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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have given my daughter my surname rather than ExP?

56 replies

Didsomeonesaybunny · 16/10/2018 22:43

Ex left me during my planned pregnancy and hurt me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I’ve had the baby and have had minimal contact with him (my choice), but we have been in touch regarding the payment of maintenance.

During a phone call I had with him last week he asked me what I’d named our daughter so I told him. When I told him her surname he blew up at me and said that he couldn’t believe I’d given her my name and not his. He’s questionned paternity as a means to delay paying maintenance so it seems ludicrous to me that he’d expect me to give her his surname, for him it’s all about control I think. In my event , even if I had wanted to give her his surname I don’t think I’d have been able to as we are not married and he didn’t come with me to register her.

I hung up the phone from him and was dumbfounded and very upset and it’s played on my mind all weekend. Have I been unreasonable here? He’s not even met his daughter as he’s been off galavanting with a new woman he’s been dating.

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 16/10/2018 22:45

YANBU at all, op. Of course you would give her your name.

Novasglow · 16/10/2018 22:45

YANBU. You've done the right thing, and this just confirms it. I wish I'd done the same.

Inertia · 16/10/2018 22:47

You are absolutely in the right, don't doubt yourself.

He is an arse.

He's still liable for maintenance payments even if she has your surname.

GreenLantern53 · 16/10/2018 22:49

I dont get any woman who gives their baby exes surname personally.

I wouldnt unless we were married and all shared the samr surname.

AnotherEmma · 16/10/2018 22:49

YANBU
Good for you, absolutely the right decision.
He is a prize twat isn’t he?!

GreenLantern53 · 16/10/2018 22:49

but just to answer your question, pretty sure you can give your baby ANY surname.

AgnesBrownsCat · 16/10/2018 22:50

You did the right thing . Why would she take his name when you’re the resident parent . I’d never give my child a mans name if we weren’t married but not even together anymore ? He’s taking the piss .

AnotherEmma · 16/10/2018 22:50

He still has to pay child maintenance even though he’s not on the birth certificate, btw.

NotANotMan · 16/10/2018 22:51

You were absolutely right. He's a complete prick for many reasons including this one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2018 22:51

YANBU. You’ve done exactly the right thing, as you say, it was the only thing you could do.

Congratulations on your daughter.

Don’t waste any of this precious time giving head space to your wanker of an ex. Focus on her and getting to know each other. You don’t need him to agree with you.

Pretty sure he’ll have to pay the cost of a paternity test and if he doesn’t they’ll assume he’s the father.

FittonTower · 16/10/2018 22:51

The child lives with you, will be raised by you and will (mainly) be finacially supported by you. Call your daughter what ever the hell you like, it's got bollocks all to do with him.

TightPants · 16/10/2018 22:53

I did the same OP, in fact our situations sound very similar.

My child has my name because I carried him, gave birth to him and I’m raising him alone. No brainer!

Also you can have difficulties travelling abroad if your child has a different name to you, so you’re avoiding all that too.

TooTrueToBeGood · 16/10/2018 22:54

You did the right thing and he's just a dick. He probably knew the answer before he asked the question and was just setting himself up for some faux righteous outrage to justify fucking you about.

pallisers · 16/10/2018 22:54

of course you did the right thing. I am married, didn't change my name, dh is lovely and a wonderful father and 20 years on I now wonder why I didn't give them my surname instead of his (he'd probably have been fine with it).

Why on earth this man thinks he can feck off, you go through childbirth and have sole responsibility, he dithers about actually supporting his child - but that child should have his name. christ there is a level of entitlement and up your own arseness there that makes me wonder how you ever stomached sex with him.

megletthesecond · 16/10/2018 22:55

Yanbu.

DolceFarNiente · 16/10/2018 22:58

YANBU at all! I'm actually so angry on your behalf! He sounds like a complete and utter dick and you're well shot of him.

lifebegins50 · 16/10/2018 23:01

I wish my dc had my name..you absolutely did the right thing.

Longdistance · 16/10/2018 23:03

If he was that bothered he would have gone to the registry office with you to take on his surname. If he’s not there, tough!

ohfourfoxache · 16/10/2018 23:07

Why on earth would you give her his name?

starlight2 · 16/10/2018 23:07

I'm kind of in the same position my ex left me at 18 weeks and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and I was quite civil until a few weeks ago when I told him I wanted baby to have my surname, he tried to say it was traditional to have the fathers surname.

I tried to explain it's also not 'traditional' to leave your partner mid pregnancy or to have sex outside of wed lock so I'm not going to start following tradition now because it suits him and I absolutely will not change my mind as I'm unsure he will stick around!

Congratulations on your little one! It makes sense for her to have your name as you're the main parent and he hasn't even met her yet!

SausageSimon · 16/10/2018 23:12

I gave my son my surname and it still makes me feel relieved at times. People weren't happy with my decision and gave the "traditionally you give them the fathers surnamed" argument, which is only correct when married.

Unmarried women would traditionally give their baby their surname!

Uncreative · 16/10/2018 23:14

YANBU

He is being a controlling wanker

Travis1 · 16/10/2018 23:16

You completely did the right thing and more women should be like you rather than blindly follow this ‘tradition’

footballmum · 16/10/2018 23:27

I’ve never understood the tradition of giving a child the father’s surname when the couple aren’t married, even when they’re together, let alone when they’re not. YANBU.

IVflytrap · 16/10/2018 23:32

It isn't even traditional! Traditionally a baby always got the mother's surname if the parents aren't married. It's only in the last couple of decades that men have started insisting that their child gets their name even without marriage.