To have given my daughter my surname rather than ExP?

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

Ex left me during my planned pregnancy and hurt me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I’ve had the baby and have had minimal contact with him (my choice), but we have been in touch regarding the payment of maintenance.

During a phone call I had with him last week he asked me what I’d named our daughter so I told him. When I told him her surname he blew up at me and said that he couldn’t believe I’d given her my name and not his. He’s questionned paternity as a means to delay paying maintenance so it seems ludicrous to me that he’d expect me to give her his surname, for him it’s all about control I think. In my event , even if I had wanted to give her his surname I don’t think I’d have been able to as we are not married and he didn’t come with me to register her.

I hung up the phone from him and was dumbfounded and very upset and it’s played on my mind all weekend. Have I been unreasonable here? He’s not even met his daughter as he’s been off galavanting with a new woman he’s been dating.

You have done the right thing

You can name a baby what you like. But in this case you were 100 percent right!

YANBU, especially as it sounds like his presence in your DD’s life is going to be sporadic and on his terms - can’t believe he’s off gallivanting rather than meeting his child, or that she’s not his when it comes to his wallet, but is his when it comes to name!

I know a couple of adults who have changed their names to their mum’s as adults because their dad couldn’t be arsed with them as kids, so you’ve probably saved future her some paperwork.

Congratulations on your LO, carry on doing what’s right for her, screw tradition and screw the ex’s feelings.

My parents were not married to each other, and she gave me her surname - and this was over 60 years ago.

Coming back from holiday recently I saw notices up at the passport checking bit saying if you are travelling with children who have a different surname from you to be prepared to be asked for proof that they are legitimately travelling with you (paraphrased from memory).

Thank you all, I’ve been really distressed about it over the last few days, I would have loved for him to have stuck around and had the family life he’d been asking me for but it didn’t work out that way and consequently I had to chose what was best for her, it just seemed odd to give her his name and would have confused her imo.

For those posters who kindly gave me advice on maintenance, he’s asked to cut out the CMS and deal with it between ourselves, I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that and would rather go down the official route else I know I’d be chasing him for the £ every month (he did this with his wife re her rent).

I am feeling much better now thank you!

@luvsmalldogs - his eldest has changed her surname to his ex wife’s so it figures!