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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have given my daughter my surname rather than ExP?

56 replies

Didsomeonesaybunny · 16/10/2018 22:43

Ex left me during my planned pregnancy and hurt me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I’ve had the baby and have had minimal contact with him (my choice), but we have been in touch regarding the payment of maintenance.

During a phone call I had with him last week he asked me what I’d named our daughter so I told him. When I told him her surname he blew up at me and said that he couldn’t believe I’d given her my name and not his. He’s questionned paternity as a means to delay paying maintenance so it seems ludicrous to me that he’d expect me to give her his surname, for him it’s all about control I think. In my event , even if I had wanted to give her his surname I don’t think I’d have been able to as we are not married and he didn’t come with me to register her.

I hung up the phone from him and was dumbfounded and very upset and it’s played on my mind all weekend. Have I been unreasonable here? He’s not even met his daughter as he’s been off galavanting with a new woman he’s been dating.

OP posts:
Sowhatifidosnore · 17/10/2018 07:01

Yanbu! Why give her the surname of someone who’s not likely to be in her life much. From a practical point of view, for travelling abroad for example, having a different surname from your child can be really tricky!

PipeTheFuckDown · 17/10/2018 07:07

YANBU OP.

I was bullied into giving my DD ExHs surname (also fucked off during a planned pregnancy) - he then abandoned her and I’ve had to fight for 3 years to prove abandonment and change her surname.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 17/10/2018 07:15

Well of course you gave the baby your name rather than his because calling her Baby Utter-Cockscramble wouldn't be fair.

Tahani · 17/10/2018 07:17

Nice one starlight2,

Raven88 · 17/10/2018 07:23

You did the right thing, why should you give DD his name. You carried her, Sounds like he just wants any excuse to question paying. I would get the test so he can't deny his child and his duty to support her.

BoogieFeet · 17/10/2018 07:25

YANBU It would make no sense at all to give her his name

VioletPickles · 17/10/2018 07:28

Yanbu. No chance. He's still. Liable for maintenance and if you go through cms it will be backdated.
Im with my youngest daughters father, but not married, and she has my name not his!

Jackshouse · 17/10/2018 07:28

The tradition crap. It is traditional for the baby to have Mum’s surname but it is also traditional for Mum and Dad to be married so the Mum also has Dad’s surname.

glamorousgrandmother · 17/10/2018 07:34

As I understand it an unmarried father has to be present for the baby to have his name on the Birth Certificate anyway. My ex persuaded me, against my better judgement, to let DD have his name then failed to turn up at the appointment. I went in and did it myself in my name and he was annoyed and said I should have gone another time when it was convenient for him. I'm so glad I didn't.

kaytee87 · 17/10/2018 07:36

He is a total dick head op. Don't even rise to it, you've done nothing wrong.

AuntieStella · 17/10/2018 07:37

You're NBU, indeed you are following tradition.

Babies take their mother's surname. When they are married, that may also be the father's.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2018 07:40

Traditionally the child gets the mother’s surname. Why on earth would a sperm donor, who is challenging paternity expect you to give your baby his name? Idiot.

Angrybird345 · 17/10/2018 07:47

Traditionally the baby gets the fathers surname, not the mothers surname! However, in this particular case, I think the OP has done the right thing. The baby should have her surname

Fannybaws52 · 17/10/2018 07:48

You might also prefer to just use CMS and let them deal with the ex cock womble.

Saves you having to speak to him at all.

TheClitterati · 17/10/2018 07:51

Not unreasonable - you made a good call. I did the same and as the years go by I am so thankful for my decision.

VenusInSpurs · 17/10/2018 08:01

Who cares what the tradition is? There is no logical reason why a child should have one parent’s surname over the other. There is no logical reason why a man can’t change his surname to a woman’s. We no longer live in an age where women bear the children that continue the male dynasty, and it is as well to mix it up a bit and remind men of that sometimes.

Anyway, OP, especially in your circumstances, no way would any sensible person give the baby his name, and you are right, it smacks of control and bullying that he even thought you might. What monstrous male ego and arrogance that he thinks his half of the DNA allows him to call the shots.

Some seperated mothers might choose to give the father’s surname as a middle name perhaps so that the child has a reference if there will be a positive relationship in the future, but I wouldn’t be wanting his name under my nose all the time!

Pps are right: you can give a child any surname you like, yours, father’s, next door neighbours, pop star, whatever you choose. But the father can’t be in the birth certificate unless he is present. Surname and bring in the BC are separate issues.

Sunnystars · 17/10/2018 08:03

Op you did the right thing.

My dd is almost 17 and has my surname.
He didn't show up to register her birth.
He has never paid maintenance.
He cut contact with dd 5 years ago for no fathomable reason although it was always sporadic to say the least, he simply moved, changed his number and email and that was that.
In her entire life she has received one birthday card and two small Christmas gifts.

Kleptronic · 17/10/2018 08:03

I gave my baby my surname even though I was married, because I didn't change my surname to my husband's. The baby was given firstname middle name his surname my surname, no hyphen. I'm so very glad I did it, especially since my ex husband ran off with someone from the internet.

Pompom42 · 17/10/2018 08:08

I had the same thing. My EX left when I was 7.5 months pregnant, I invited him to register the birth but he didn't show up so I gave baby my Surname, plus I have an older daughter so wanted them both to have the same Surname.
This prompted him to say he wanted a DNA test because he didn't think baby was his as I hadn't used his Surname.
Even his mother said that if I didn't use their Surname she doubts the baby is his.
How ridiculous.
I had a christening 8 months later, I didn't invite him but his mother came and said he isn't paying maintenance as still thinks baby isn't his.
In the end I contacted CMS and I'm now receiving maintenance but didn't for first 2 years of her being born, not once has he said to CMS he doesn't want to pay as doesn't believe baby is his.
And he doesn't see her, his choice.

kaytee87 · 17/10/2018 08:17

Traditionally the baby gets the fathers surname, not the mothers surname!

Not true, traditionally they take the mothers name which traditionally, if the mother was married would have also been the fathers name. It's a relatively be thing unmarried mothers giving the baby the fathers name.

Tadda · 17/10/2018 08:17

YANBU! Why would you use his surname!!!!??
In fact, because he wasn't even there when you registered her they would have had to use your surname - sounds to me like he's using this to generally delay maintenance payments, questioning paternity etc.

I'd get one, then tell him to do one!

ExFury · 17/10/2018 08:20

You could have given any surname you wanted, but why would you have used his when he wasn’t even there?

Traditionally a baby of unmarried parents only took the fathers name if he was on the birth certificate - I.e. he was at the appointment and saying loud “this is my child”. If the mother registered alone the baby had her surname.

serbska · 17/10/2018 08:22

10000000% give your child your name. Good decision.

If ex wanted a baby with his name he should have married the mother of his child, and stayed with her.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/10/2018 08:25

I'm married but didn't change my name and still wish I'd insisted on mine! Even though we share most things equally I do more childcare on maternity leave and it really is more convenient to give the same name as the primary caregiver

In your circumstances why on earth would he think the child would have his name??

maxthemartian · 17/10/2018 08:30

Tradition is that the baby has the mother's surname. Tradition is also that she is married to the baby's father but children of unmarried mothers used to get the mother's surname.
It's a new thing this giving the child the DPs surname and I think it's a mistake.

Why on earth he'd think you'd do so I have no idea. Total tool.