To think my family do not care about me in the slightest?

[ucanttouchthis]

I've posted about this before so I won't go into too much detail.
I'm 32 nearly 33 I've cared for my grandad for over 10 years who has dementia and is 96.
His local son won't help,his daughter abroad won't come anymore.
Bumped into local son today and first thing he said "im off to hospital " can't talk
He lies about going here there and everywhere so he doesn't get asked a favour.
Im suffering from a anxiety disorder now,I can't leave the house,I get the taxi to and from grandads everyday and get shopping delivered.
I can't go outside now because I start getting all these physical symptoms and can't do it anymore.
In January I begged my aunt for help,told her I was so unhappy and I had self harmed.
She still hasn't been over.
My mum died when I was 14 and I honestly thought my aunt loved me and would look out for me.
Look at the state I'm in and she couldn't care a less.
If my mum could look down and see the state I'm in she would be so upset.
The stress is too much,I've told my aunt I was on the verge of a breakdown months ago.
Nothing
As long as I'm here doing my job she doesn't care that I'm broken With no life.
No boyfriend,no job and no children
She's happy for me to continue living my life like this.
Why do my family not care about me?
Why am I not important enough to care about?
Can anyone explain?
What I've done wrong please ?

You've done nothing wrong, you just have a very selfish family by the sounds of it.
You need to start taking care of yourself. could your grandad go into a home to give you a break?

You’ve posted before several times. Your family are never going to help you. who knows the reasons why - presumably they’re just bad selfish people. You need to get appropriate help from elsewhere to deal with your caring responsibilities and your own health

I arranged for carers to come in after my grandad was in hospital 5 weeks ago.
My grandad after a week refused them so that was that.

I have posted before sorry.

I didn’t mean my first post to sound harsh it’s just that your posts are worrying in that your MH seems so low. Focusing on your rubbish Aunty and uncle is not going to help as it seems to me they will never step up. They’re just bad people it’s not something you’ve done or deserve.

I agree with Duvet. I’ve seen your previous posts. Your family are never going to step up so you have to focus on getting more support for yourself and you GF.

Speak to the GP, find out about local caters groups, call ss if you need to.

I don’t know how your GFs state of mind is but you also need a frank word with him about needing help and that means him accepting halo as well.

Look after yourself

Sorry but if someone is doing something and they've always done it - nobody is going to take over

Have you thought it's not you they don't care about but grandad?

You need to write to them and say you will do X Y and Z days the rest is for them to sort out and stick to it

Then concentrate on getting yourself better and living the life you want

Maybe its time to give your grandad some tough love. Have a chat with your grandad and tell him you need some help as it's affecting your health. If he refuses help then leave him to care from himself for a day and see how he goes on, I know this is easier said than done but you need to take care of yourself!
I've seen some of your previous posts and nothing seems to be changing.
You know your selfish family aren't going to help so you need help from elsewhere.
Wishing you all the best you deserve a life too

I've spoken to my grandad but he doesn't understand.
Then will just say I'm lying and there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm like a broken record.
I'm never going to meet someone now because I can't even go outside.
Don't think there's a hope tbh.

How did responsibility for your GF fall onto you?

Your GF doesn't get to decide that you give up your life to care for him. Why on earth did you let the carers go?

So sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Think of the positive and that while your family are horrible people, you aren't. It sounds like it is just you and grandad. As sad and unpleasant as it is, you can't rely on them. They are being selfish and ducking out of their responsibilities. I doubt it is personal (imagine how your grandad must feel). Try to push thoughts of them away. Concentrate on yourself and your grandad.

You probably don't have the energy to organise help, but you need it. Can you start by going to the GP and explaining your situation? Contact charities and social services to see if there is any relief help?

Just by posting on here, people can see that you are a very kind and caring person. While that doesn't physically help you, hopefully it may make you realise that you are valuable.

My mum used to look after him then when she died it came on my shoulders.
It started off shopping once a week then it meant reducing my hours at work then quitting my job.
Now it's 12 hours a day every day.
I didn't want the carers to go but my grandad said no and they had to terminate at his request.

Luckily I have my dad.
My dad isn't related to this lot of family and doesn't like them so stays away.

Hi OP, I've also seen your previous posts and I'm very worried about your MH.

I think you have to realistically give up on your family and get the big guns involved.

Can you get an emergency appointment with your GP, explain your situation - be as honest as you can, don't pull any punches - and see if they can get the ball rolling with Social Services, or at the very least a local charitable support network?

This is all too much for you to cope with, and you need help, which you mustn't be ashamed of asking for.

I've been to the GP and he has offered me beta blockers and anti depressants.
He spent the whole time staring at his computer and sighing.
Gave me a leaflet about mindfullness and sent me away.

As harsh as it sounds, your family do get to decide whether or not to be carers for your grandfather, and so do you.

You should stop focusing on what the other people in your family are doing and start thinking about yourself. Right now you’re choosing to take all of this on and be his carer, but you don’t have to continue if you don’t want. The state has a duty to care for elderly sick people, as evidenced by providing carers to your GF. He has refused them because he’s got you doing it all, and from his perspective why wouldn’t he? Anyone would prefer their granddaughter who is seemingly available 12 hours per day with no boundaries to paid professionals who you don’t know and have to keep adjusting to when they change.

But that’s your decision whether you are okay with that or not, not your grandfather’s. Not your relatives. Yours.

If you decide it’s not working for you anymore and is interfering with your ability to live your own life, contact social services and let them know you’ve been a carer for him and are now stepping back so they need to organise care (and apologise for dismissing the last lot of care they arranged, even though it wasn’t you that did that).

He won’t like it but he will accept it if it is compared to having nobody to care for him at all, once he realises that you’re not going to step in and take over again.

In the meantime I would take a step back from seeing your GF for a few weeks to allow him time to adjust to his new carers, so he doesn’t try and tell them you’re there now and can do it all. Then you can start seeing him again in a grandchild role.

I’m not sure how bad his dementia is, as you say he needs care yet he obviously still recognises you and has his own thoughts and wishes on who provides his care. Carers and SS are very used to caring for people who are reluctant to be cared for, it’s nothing they haven’t seen before.

You seem to really struggle to assert your own boundaries and like you don’t realise you have choices in all of this and are continuing with how things are because on balance, it’s the best option for you, and that you can change. I don’t think focusing on your family and trying to break down their boundaries and try persuade them to care for him is the solution here. If I had a relative who needed constant professional care and a family member was choosing to do that care (despite the fact other care is available as you’ve told us) I wouldn’t be impressed by them trying to force me into joining in when I’d made that decision not to. Which is valid. Not everyone wants to or even can give their lives up to care for somebody else, most people have their own lives and families to deal with. I wouldn’t care for a non immediate relative nor would I want a relative of mine to have that burden if I needed care.

As you’ve identified, you’re not living your own life, you’re just in service of your grandfather. If that works for you and you’re altruistic enough not to regret it then great, maybe you’ll have chance to start working on your own life when he’s gone. But if you want things to change, change things.

Re your GP, if you have agoraphobia and need help you can just self refer straight to your local IAPT service. I’ve used them and they were amazing. Bypass the GP.

I get the sense you’re not happy they offered treatment with medication?

I'm not asking them to be carers.
I'm asking them to take responsibility and sort out care for my grandad.
Not to give me that pressure on my shoulders of deciding what happens to him.
Why should I be the one to put him in a care home then I have to have that guilt.
Then I would be the one sorting out his house/finances etc.
I want a break,I want them to give me a break.

If you have a father why would you not even sort out his care?
Why would you not give a damn and let your niece sort it ?
I've asked them to arrange a solution because I can not do it anymore and nothing.
I don't want to be the one and I haven't got the will to try and find a solution.

Nothing is going to change unless you take drastic action, which is going to be pretty terrifying, depends how much you want it.

Just refuse to do anymore caring. Inform your GFs children and SS.

Starr building a life for yourself. You've done your bit, stop being taken advantage of.

Don't feel bad. Your GF obviously has little consideration for you if he was prepared for a young woman to give up her life for him, and even refuse respite for you in the way of carers.

Stand firm. You've only got one life and you're still young enough to make something of it. Don't leave it another 5 years.

Op we have been here before, and have given you some good advice. You are the only person who can change this, not some randoms on Mumsnet. You need to contact your Aunt and Uncle and tell them that you are not looking after grandad anymore. What would they do if you weren't there. They would have to take responsibility for their father. I would not go into look after grandad however hard it is and however much you love him. YOu need to put yourself first now. YOu need to contact SS and tell them that you are no longer able to look after your
grandad. It has to be tough love. YOu need to withdraw now.

No your family do not care about you, they don't even care about their own father. You have to think about how sad your mum will be at you wasting your life away, this is not what she would want from you. Do not go back to your grandad, due to his dementia, he is not in the right frame of mind for making any decisions.

The only way they will take responsibility, if you withdraw and there is noone there.

Your guilt is holding you back, and you need to let that go. I think you need professional help, as you sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you are not in a good place yourself. I have tried hypnotherapy for my panic attacks, and worrying, and it has really helped.

The reason why the carers came in was because I went away for a day with a friend and my uncle was meant to look after him for 6 hours.
I got back and my uncle had phoned a ambulance and said there was nobody to look after him.
He didn't even go to hospital with him,left him crying and screaming.
This was because I asked for 6 hours break.
We then got the carers to support us for a week.

If that is what happens op than that is what happens, if they send him to hospital than he will stay there. If here is nobody to look after him, then they will proceed with a care home. YOu have to be tough with your Uncle and Aunt, if they send him to hospital let them deal with him. You have to emotionally detach from this, it is not your problem now, you have done your bit, time for them to deal with their father. You are not helping by always being there.