To think my family do not care about me in the slightest?

[ucanttouchthis]

I've posted about this before so I won't go into too much detail.
I'm 32 nearly 33 I've cared for my grandad for over 10 years who has dementia and is 96.
His local son won't help,his daughter abroad won't come anymore.
Bumped into local son today and first thing he said "im off to hospital " can't talk
He lies about going here there and everywhere so he doesn't get asked a favour.
Im suffering from a anxiety disorder now,I can't leave the house,I get the taxi to and from grandads everyday and get shopping delivered.
I can't go outside now because I start getting all these physical symptoms and can't do it anymore.
In January I begged my aunt for help,told her I was so unhappy and I had self harmed.
She still hasn't been over.
My mum died when I was 14 and I honestly thought my aunt loved me and would look out for me.
Look at the state I'm in and she couldn't care a less.
If my mum could look down and see the state I'm in she would be so upset.
The stress is too much,I've told my aunt I was on the verge of a breakdown months ago.
Nothing
As long as I'm here doing my job she doesn't care that I'm broken With no life.
No boyfriend,no job and no children
She's happy for me to continue living my life like this.
Why do my family not care about me?
Why am I not important enough to care about?
Can anyone explain?
What I've done wrong please ?

Call adult social care.

Stop caring For your granddad and explain to the family you will stop.

I hate to be that person but here you say that you care for your GF 12 hours per day every day and had to give up work but on another one of your posts from Sunday you say you're a nurse?

Here you say the GP offered you beta blockers and AD but on the other post you say you're waiting for therapy/counselling. You also say on your other thread that you have a boyfriend.

I'm reporting this post.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3394073-to-think-i-can-fight-anxiety-without-medication

I've read your other posts. All I can say to you is I cared for my grandad, who had dementia. It is absolutely soul destroying and your mental health is suffering. Your family are never going to help. You are at breaking point. Your grandad needs to be in a residential home, where he will be looked after 24/7.

Nobody likes the thought of putting a loved one in a care home. I fought long and hard to keep my grandad in his own home. He was adamant that he wasn't leaving his home. He was also adamant that he didn't need anyone to look after him. He wouldn't have managed an hour on his own.

What you need to do is make an appointment with his GP. Explain to the GP how much care your grandad needs. Explain your circumstances ie you are trying to look after him on your own, with no help from anyone. Tell him you have tried carers coming in but your grandad is having none of it. I also tried that with my grandad. He was very abusive to the carers as he thought they were burglars.

Looking after someone with dementia is impossible... and extremely frustrating. You need all the help you can get to put him into a residential home, for respite to start with, say a weekend, then a week, then 2 weeks....you'll be surprised how quickly your grandad will settle there. Once he has settled you can visit as often as you like.

Dont put it off any longer. It's a tough battle to get him into a residential home but you will be no good to grandad if you continue the way you are.
Good Luck. You'll need it ...but please do it

How did ut all fall to you when you were 14?

How did your dad let that happen?

Sounds as if adult social services need to be involved.

Your GF has dementia-how then is he allowed/able to make decisions about his care?

There are no consequences to his decisions as you enable him.

It's not fair on him or you.

He likely needs more care than carers popping in a couple of times a day can give him.

sweetheart, you need to walk away from this. You need to tell Social Services that you are no longer able to care for your grandfather and that they need to put something in place with immediate effect. Please phone their emergency line and say this today. He is not your responsibility. Hand over your aunt and uncle's details and walk away. I know you will feel dreadful for doing this but it's OK - for your own sake and for his because he needs to be somewhere with specialised care. Dementia is a horrible, horrible disease and is dreadful for those who have to stand by and watch. Believe me, I resisted for quite some time in putting my mum in a home but she is happier than she ever was. If you withdraw your support, he can no longer live alone.

slashlover I think you're right, or maybe she just wants to cover her tracks a bit to prevent outing her in real life? But something doesn't add up now that you have pointed that out.

I second what another poster said, contact you aunt and uncle and tell them your GF is going into a care home and his house/finances are going to be used to pay for it (leaving them nothing). Selfish bastards tend to be mobilised when money is involved.

Phone adult social services, explain you are I'll and can't cope. Message your family once you have done so to explain what is going on.

You have to look after yourself and realize that no one is going to step in and help your DGF while you work yourself to death doing so.

Your DGF isn't himself now. A good DGF would be taking pleasure in you doing well and making a life for themself. If you had a child would you want them to end up like this?

Just walk away from them all. Email your family, tell them you can't look after your grandad any more. See your grandad, tell him you're exhausted and can't look after him. Ring your grandad's doctor and tell them the same. And then stay away.

You've done your bit. Your famaily are monumentally selfish and will never change. Your grandad is selfish too - if he's compos mentis enough to be able to turn away carers, he can't be that demented.

If it was just one or two differences then I'd agree but OP says on the other posts that she doesn't want to take ADs as she wants to get pregnant.

There's also a different post where she asks whether she should go on a night out from Friday because she could get a takeaway and buy a new top instead. She does talk about her anxiety as well.

BTW, I was not hunting. PP mentioned OP had posted before so I did a search.

I've also read your previous threads, the only way you are going to solve this is by being stubborn and getting angry but I worry that you've reached a point where you don't have that in you.

I think you need to go back to the doctors and insist on a different GP.

You also need to know that it isn't that you are not important, it is that the family who should be sharing/taking the burden are very selfish people.

Good catch slashlover. Other thread OP has a boyfriend and works as a nurse, here she has ‘no job, no partner, no life’z

Reported. Pathetic.

1. Start job-hunting. Local shop, anything. Get a job in place.

2. Book a week's holiday. Borrow money from your dad if you need to. But book it.

3. The day before you go, email your aunt and other family members, plus social services. Outline the situation with your grandfather, tell them you are going away and you will not be taking over his care when you return.

4. Ignore all calls and emails from them.

5. Go on holiday, come back and get on with your life.

Please, for your sake and for his, you need to do this.

Like somebody has suggested, give your Aunt and Uncle a date as to when you stop caring for your grandad. Chat to your grandad, that from this date, I will stop caring for you. I love you, but I cannot cope anymore, and need to look after myself now. Due to the Dementia, I don't think grandad is all there anyway. I would also inform SS that as from this date, you stop caring for your grandad, pass them your Aunt and Uncle's details as they are his next of kin. Then detatch and don't look back. If he's in hospital, don't go. YOu need to be cruel to be kind.

No none of them care for you now, not even grandad, because of his ill health, so you have to look after and care for yourself now.

Do not be cross with your aunt and uncle because their choices are having different consequences on their lives, your life is a result of the choices you are making. There is no legal obligation to be anyone's 'carer' in this country, the responsibility lies with the state. If you can't live with the 'guilt' of stepping away then that's up to you. Crack on. Your grandfather certainly doesn't feel guilty your life is passing you by. Or your family. Only you can change things.

Op...I remember you and have commented on your previous posts.

Seriously...you need to walk away. Stop being your granddads carer. It's absolutely destroying you and your life. Never have I heard of a grandchild having to take on caring duties in this way. It's a disgrace you are having to do it.

PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

You are too young to be doing this...please live your life!

If you can't live with the 'guilt' of stepping away then that's up to you. Crack on. Your grandfather certainly doesn't feel guilty your life is passing you by. Or your family. Only you can change things

Well said

OP everyone is saying the same thing - this is the solution to your problem.

Op you have to be selfish in life, you cannot help the world, so just help yourself, rather like your Aunt and Uncle. Step away, let them know that you will no longer be doing his care, as you have a job coming up, or you just cannot do it anymore. Let SS know that there is a vulnerable man without care so they can organise something. If he is admitted to hospital, do not go and see him, you have to be tough. If Aunt and Uncle call you to come, say no you are done now, you have done your bit and its up to them. Let his the HCPs organise care for him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3394073-to-think-i-can-fight-anxiety-without-medication?pg=1

OPs previous post where she is a nurse and doesn't want to take antidepressants as she wants to TTC with her boyfriend

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3392295-to-not-go-on-this-night-out

OPs previous post where she wonders whether she should go out with her friends

So if she's a nurse, has a boyfriend, and TTC, how can she look after her ill grandfather. Looks like she has a full life .

Have a chat to Carers UK. They may be able to give you some advice. It sounds to me like you need some respite and therapy.

Your life is being destroyed. Your Aunt and Uncle on the day he dies will have their hand out, and you will be given no help or thanks for his years of care. They want you to wear yourself out for as long as possible, until you drop to save on the money it would cost to place your DGF in care. They don't care you or him. Your Father should be telling you to step back. This is not your problem and it will ruin your physical and mental health if you continue like this. Your DGF needs to go into care.

Hi op, my mum was in a similar situation last year - one of four kids, doing all the care for my (mean and ungrateful grandad). In the end she had to put him in a home and things improved greatly. Hope you are ok xxx

slashlover, it's generally considered bad form to link to an op's other threads, very rude. We are all capable of Advanced Searching.