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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my family do not care about me in the slightest?

84 replies

ucanttouchthis · 16/10/2018 12:08

I've posted about this before so I won't go into too much detail.
I'm 32 nearly 33 I've cared for my grandad for over 10 years who has dementia and is 96.
His local son won't help,his daughter abroad won't come anymore.
Bumped into local son today and first thing he said "im off to hospital " can't talk
He lies about going here there and everywhere so he doesn't get asked a favour.
Im suffering from a anxiety disorder now,I can't leave the house,I get the taxi to and from grandads everyday and get shopping delivered.
I can't go outside now because I start getting all these physical symptoms and can't do it anymore.
In January I begged my aunt for help,told her I was so unhappy and I had self harmed.
She still hasn't been over.
My mum died when I was 14 and I honestly thought my aunt loved me and would look out for me.
Look at the state I'm in and she couldn't care a less.
If my mum could look down and see the state I'm in she would be so upset.
The stress is too much,I've told my aunt I was on the verge of a breakdown months ago.
Nothing
As long as I'm here doing my job she doesn't care that I'm broken With no life.
No boyfriend,no job and no children
She's happy for me to continue living my life like this.
Why do my family not care about me?
Why am I not important enough to care about?
Can anyone explain?
What I've done wrong please ?

OP posts:

Bluelady · 16/10/2018 13:10

I’ve seen your posts before too. My heart bleeds for you. You’ve got to the end of your rope and nobody seems to care. I think you’ve also reached the point where you can’t do anything to change it.

If you can do it tell your grandad that it’s carers or a care home. Give him a couple of days to decide, then tell social services he’s all theirs and they need to do whatever is appropriate.

Please, please don’t feel guilty. You’ve done far more than you should be expected to do, it’s time to stop now.

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 13:10

It sounds a horrible situation OP but sadly you can't make people care if they don't. You have to be selfish this time and start refusing to care for your grandad. Get some real life support, if your GP didn't listen then go and ask for a different gp. As hard as it is you really need to put yourself first now.

tumericmasala · 16/10/2018 13:14

Your GF is not your responsibility. One call to SS explain you can't care for him anymore and then leave it

You need to stop returning to your Gf and let the carers do it

Elephant14 · 16/10/2018 13:16

Your GF is using you and you are allowing him to. You need to involve adult social services and say you are too ill to cope. Only you can get yourself out of this position.

EK36 · 16/10/2018 13:18

I would contact social services and explain the situation.Tell them you're not coping and ask if he can go into a home. It's worth a try.

ThePinkOcelot · 16/10/2018 13:18

For one, your dad doesn’t get to decide to stay away. He needs to have your back!! He needs to read the riot act on your behalf.
Secondly, you contact your aunt and tell her that you’re done and she gets her selfish, lazy arse over here to look after her dad! Get in touch with SS and get him in for respite! You need a break!! Tough shit if he doesn’t want to go.
Then, when you’ve done all of that, try and get your MH sorted. You’re going to have to stand up for you!! No one else is! The lazy selfish fuckers!! Good luck xx

slashlover · 16/10/2018 13:20

You love and care for your GF and that is commendable BUT when he had the chance to have carers and give you a tiny bit of peace then he didn't.

You need to put your health first. What happens when you crash? If you're sick? You've done you bit, you've done more than your bit. Ten years without a day off, without a holiday, without any sort of break is going to grind anybody down.

Peridot1 · 16/10/2018 13:21

Call social services or ask your dad to do it for you and tell them they need to arrange for your grandad to go into full time residential care.

It’s not an easy decision to make - I know as we had to arrange the same for my mum. My dad tried to look after her but couldn’t in the end.

MsLexic · 16/10/2018 13:23

My partner's family are bad too. We are in dire housing need and they have a flat that will not rent to us (the father offered and then retracted which upset me and MY family terribly).
They just choose to berate my partner and embarrass us both telling him his 'shortcomings', insulting him with their prejudices and selfishness.They are totally horrible tbh. The father has a bad disability and my partner is very kind and has tried to help them sooooo much!
My partnerd low less self esteem and an anxiety disorder as it is, but he is making good as much as he is able. I have a chronic condition and a disability so an help would have been wonderful as we are about to be made homeless. They are very wealthy people.
I am just telling you this so you do not feel alone. Lots of people have bad families.

I do feel for you love. There is the Carers Association . Your Grandad could go into respite care for instance.
What would happen if you just went away and lived your own life? They would have to take over then... is it that you need somewhere to live?

woolduvet · 16/10/2018 13:26

Is your grandad grateful or does he just expect all this from you?
It doesn't sound like he's interested in how you are or your life, just like his children aren't.
Nothing will change unless you change things.

JessieLemon · 16/10/2018 13:26

Never bend over backwards for someone who wouldn’t lift a finger for you, OP.

Rudgie47 · 16/10/2018 13:27

What would you like people to say that hasn't been said before OP?
You keep posting about this all the time.
People have gone into this in great depth with you about this problem. You say the same things nearly every week.

I am sympathetic but theres only you that can do something about this.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2018 13:36

I want you to think about this: At some point your GF is going to die or be forced into care. And these same selfish people (his children) are going to swoop in and take everything he has. Don't think for an instant that they will say "Oh, uncant really deserves the house/money/car/whatever because she took such good care of Dad". Then where will you be? You'll be homeless and without funds. It will put you in an intolerable situation.

I know you said your dad doesn't want to be around this, but can you go to him and say "I want out" and will he give you the emotional support and/or guidance to get out? Could you stay with him whilst you sort things out?

Remember that when you are dealing with selfish people, your first duty is to protect and look out for yourself. If Granddad has to go to care, then he has to go to care. No one should ruin their own life to care for another person. And if that person (or others) expects them to then they don't deserve care in the first place.

Your GP sounds like shit. Can you see someone else?

Tighnabruaich · 16/10/2018 13:40

You've done more than enough. You've done more for him than his own children have. You deserve to have your own life, starting now.
If you had a breakdown, who would care for him then?
This has gone on long enough and you have been far to patient - and dare I say it, passive, though I don't mean that unkindly, you are obviously a good person. But enough is enough!
I think you just have to walk away. If your GF is that lost to dementia, would he even noticed who was caring for him? Please consider it. Your other posts, and this one, are heart-breaking. So horrible of everyone just to wash their hands and leave it all to you.

Judygarlandspills · 16/10/2018 13:41

So your family don’t give a shit and your GF doesn’t respect you enough to allow some respite with a Carer? Fuck them all off.

JessieLemon · 16/10/2018 13:41

What are you looking for here OP? What advice are you actually looking for?

Tighnabruaich · 16/10/2018 13:42

And I agree with others - why is your dad not getting involved. I know it's the other side of the family, but you are his daughter, does he not see how worn down you are by this, does he not want to step up and tell them to get lost?

maddening · 16/10/2018 13:45

Does grandad own his own home?

If so be sly and get power of attorney in place - position it as needed so you can care for him.

Then tell them that you will need to put him in a dementia home if they can't help and his house will need to pay for it-

MsLexic · 16/10/2018 13:46

I do not think it would be selfish of you to walk away. I think it would be very sensible. You can do it x

slashlover · 16/10/2018 13:50

Text your aunt and uncle now and tell them that you wont be doing it any more and follow through on that. If it makes you feel better then you can give them a deadline.

There comes a point when you need to look after yourself. Your family, including your GF, are incredibly selfish and using you as free care. You are doing more than double what a paid carer would be doing. You are working at least 84 hours per week. On the deadline, send one text that you wont be attending to your GF then turn your phone off and leave the house so they can't contact you to try to manipulate you. You may need to go NC but these people are incredibly toxic to you.

beelover · 16/10/2018 13:54

I have read your other posts too and my heart breaks for you and the situation you are in. I don't actually blame your Grandad, Dementia has many symptoms and one of them can be to cause people to become selfish and self centred and only interested in their needs. Your family on the other hand have no excuse at all for their shitty behaviour. I know from experience how hard it is to say I can't do it any more but you have reached that point now. If you have a complete breakdown you wont be in any position to do any more caring anyway. Tell your family you are done now, for the sake of your own health. If they send Grandad to hospital then that is down to them. Also you may well find that if he is transferred to a care home he actually settles very well. For you

Jux · 16/10/2018 13:55

Stop. Set a date and then stop.

Let your aunt and uncle know that you won't be available from X date, and then don't be.

You could ease into it by starting with two days a week, pick them yourself. Send an email a week ahead. When you are comfortable with two days off, move it up to 3 and so on.

You're right, they should be taking responsibility for their dad, not you.

Do they pay you?

Juells · 16/10/2018 13:59

My grandad after a week refused them so that was that.

I can't even finish reading the thread it's so upsetting to hear how little support you have. Your grandfather is being very selfish, but like your aunt and uncle he's getting away with it so the current situation suits him. You have to stand up for yourself and tell them to make alternative arrangements - and stick to your guns.

AnnabelleLecter · 16/10/2018 14:02

Time to start putting your needs first and care for yourself.
Your grandfather is not a child, he has to accept professional care now as you have other commitments.

BeaTrewts · 16/10/2018 14:03

Your grandfather needs carers whether he wants them or not - your mental health and well-being is at stake here. He is not mentally capable of deciding who looks after him. If necessary he will have to go into a home. You can't sacrifice your daily life and your future for other people.

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