To not understand why our house/life is such a shitshow?

[beclev24]

We are having dinner tonight. DS2(5) is having a tantrum because his picture didn’t turn out right and he doesn’t like the dinner. The baby is crying. There’s mess everywhere. Earlier DS1 (8) and DS2 had an argument about who know what which ended with them both crying.

We have 3 boys ages 8, 5 and 9 months. Everyday just seems to be total chaos. They are wild - tgere constantly seems to be bad behavior or tantrums or some crisis minute to minute. DH and I barely sit down. AIBU to not understand why it is always this hard? We are loving parents, we are consistent, set boundaries, give positive attention and consequences etc etc- all the stuff you are meant to do. They are sweet loving boys who are bright/do well at school etc etc. They each get lots of individual attention. I just don’t get why it’s almost always this hard and chaotic . Are we the only ones?? Are other people’s family lives very calm and orderly? If so, how do you do it??

Surely the point is, you are loving attentive parents and that takes time. You give them lots of individual attention. More time. They do well at school, at least partly because you are interested & involved. They argue & fight because they feel safe to do so at home. And it takes more time.

So the tidying doesn’t get done.

You could ignore them, leave them on their Nintendos, do the ironing and then put your feet up, but that wouldn’t be you.

Nothing orderly about mine - it's chason, and I don't have children If that makes you feel better?

I drove 6 hours one way to visit my grandmother on Saturday, stayed the night then turned around and drove 6 hours back on Sunday.
I'm first out the door to go to work and the last one back through it at the end of the day, during the week I juggle dinner and laundry as best I can until we get to the weekend when I can really get stuck it.
I'm also doing volunteer work this month, I managed to get to bed at 2am this morning and sleep a few hours before getting up at 6am to get ready for my day job.
Picked a dirty pot up off the bench and counted the days since we had pasta....
Sometimes we have our shirt together, but most of the time we're just treading water - I cant help, but you're not alone!

You’re not the only one. My life is chaos at the moment with 3 DC. 6,4 and 8 months.
I’m not massively looking forward to half term next week as the older 2 fight about everything. 😭

seniorschoolmum that’s really lovely thank you. I think I’m just feeling demoralized because we went to visit our friends who have 3 girls of similar ages and everything just felt so calm and organized and the kids were so well behaved- it made me wonder what I’m doing wrong

Cross post with those going through similar- thank you! That’s reassuring!

I only have 2 boys and they are older but there still seems to be a lot of chaos in our house. Lots of noise, boisterousness, shouting and fuss. I hate it. As PP has said I could choose to let them play on their computers and watch tv constantly for a peaceful life but I'm not sure that is adequate parenting!

losingmindiam yes that sounds just like us. Do you think it’s a boy thing?

It's a relief to read this! Just this morning I was considering posting a thread asking if it's normal to have to be all over a 4 and 6 yo all the time (in as gentle and loving way as possible) to reinforce, correct, help, manage, teach, praise, chasten, negotiate, explain and remind for Every. Little. Thing!

My kids are loving and bright and funny and creative but some days I despair if they will ever eat a meal nicely without playing with their cutlery, moaning about the food, getting distracted, or having a fight with each other, or walk out the door with everything sorted without a thousand reminders and chivvying, or pick up and put a toy without being asked!

I think sometimes it feels worse than it really is. You have certain bottlenecks or sticking points, and they stay in your mind and become bigger than they are, and you can miss the times when your kids actually are being little angels of the sort that leave other parents wondering if their own kids are the only hellions in the world. Also, kids always seem to be a bit better behaved in front of other people.

Chin up! You sound like you're doing a super job.

Do you think it’s a boy thing?

It's not! My "worst" one is a girl!

I have two dc ds1(7) and ds2(4) and our house is chaotic and noisy without the added complication of a baby!
I find (although the it doesn't help with the tidying/ housework) that being outside as much as possible helps, long bike or scooter rides, finding playgrounds with lots of climbing equipment, den building in the woods etc helps everyone to get on better and remain a bit calmer, and then once we've done that, I pop on half an hour of tv whilst I get dinner ready,
You are absolutely not alone, I think anyone who looks like they've got it together is probably not being entirely truthful? Have you read 'why mummy drinks' by Gill Sims? It's very funny and reasonated with me!

Some of what you are reporting is DCs not coping well with emotions.

One cries because his picture didn't turn out right.

Two cried earlier as a result of an argument.

You talk of tantrums.

How are you and your H at teaching emotional intelligence and encouraging it?

How do you teach your DCs to cope with conflict - do you teach conflict resolution or do you step in and referee when you become aware of a crisis?

Do the DCs know what the word 'fair' means in practice? Do they understand the idea of a win-win or do they go for broke when they argue?

What do you teach them about effort vs. end result? By this I mean, do you comment on the end result of a project or on the effort, planning, organisational competence and follow through in the shape of cleaning up that went into it?

Do they have chores to do under your supervision?

Didn't mean to post so soon -
Wrt chores - you should have age appropriate chores for the boys. Your H needs to assign them and supervise the work. It should be something the boys do daily so it becomes a habit after they get through the first month or so when it is being established. They will need feedback (on effort) and encouragement (of effort).

They should definitely be helping tidy up their own toys - not in a punitive way but in a way that makes them feel they are contributing to the family wellbeing, and growing in maturity and responsibility, and your verbal input should focus on how proud of them you are for their contribution.

Helping a little with dinner prep or setting the table might also be a good way to create a family team atmosphere. They could also help with clearing up.

Sometimes kids need to let off steam when they come home from school but sometimes they need to be left on their own in a quiet place to decompress. Figure out which one is suitable for each of your boys and try to provide that.

Look at an after school snack that provides protein as opposed to something carb heavy or sugary that can lead to a sugar crash and cranky moods.

It's a relief to read this! Just this morning I was considering posting a thread asking if it's normal to have to be all over a 4 and 6 yo all the time (in as gentle and loving way as possible) to reinforce, correct, help, manage, teach, praise, chasten, negotiate, explain and remind for Every. Little. Thing!

Wow, I’m exhausted just reading that. Seriously considering if DC2 is the right thing to do now tbh.

@AhoyDelBoy having two is in equal measures wonderful and awful.

Two boys here as well, nearly 4 and 2 and it's pure chaos. There is regular fighting, tantrums, wrestling, whining. There's also an awful lot of fun, double cuddles and fantastic imagination. Hard work, and mostly worth it.

Mine are much older, but it's still chaos when they're doing something together and invariably end in tears. We have pre teen stomping when asked to do homework/tidy stuff/shower and little one over tired from school moaning/procrastination, so feel the pain.

What does get done is washing and cleaning during the day and all toys put away by bed time. That means that even if it's 8:30 or so when I sit down, the living room is tidy and the dishwasher is run...but it is hard and unrelenting at times.

I have only 2 - 8 and 5, and the thing that helps me most is knowing their triggers - DS1, can't cope if he's hungry, DS2 can't cope when he's tired.

Yes, the house is generally chaos (unless they're not in it) - yes, generally they play well, but sometimes I have to go in there and separate them.

If either of them is getting tearful, it's because of one of the two reasons at the top, and some days, it's just going to happen because they were up late, or dinners not ready yet - and there's just nothing to be done. On these days I give them a break, because I know it's not their fault, I just send them off in different directions to calm down.

Ermmm. Definitely not a boy thing. I have two girls and a boy. The fact I was drawn to read your thread should say it all. My house life body you name it is not just a shit storm but a shit tsunami. Wouldn’t change it. Well maybe a bit would be nice. My DC will be amazing creative adults.........

I had 4. The two eldest were girls and were a total nightmare. They loathed each other and tbh, 40 years on they still do. Nothing was ever right between them and whilst I knew there were outside influences playing a huge part that never helped with the day to day tensions.

The two boys, in contrast were so easy!

We didn't have mealtime problems, we were very short of money and I think they knew there was just no point fussing about food as there was honestly nothing else. They had individual real dislikes.. one hated rice, another fish.. but it was easy to work round that.

Yes, the house was frequently -always- chaos but I kept one room reasonably clear which meant I could relax in the evening rather than look at all the things that needed doing. I can totally relate to the PP who mentioned the pasta pot!

It all seems worth it when your adult children turn round and actually thank you for a fantastic childhood. They grow so fast, grin and bear the chaos and treasure every moment you can.

You are not doing anything wrong.

People with quiet, compliant, well behaved children are just lucky imo.

I find kids most irritating when they are tired or hungry.

If you are waiting til 6pm so you can all 'sit together', try feeding them at 4 pm and put them to bed at 6.

Eat together at a weekend.

“people with quiet, compliant, well behaved children are just lucky imo”.

Completely agree. Also some children get tired and are happy to sit so you can get stuff done. My DDs have friends who are ‘exhausted’ after parties and sleepovers and residentials and have PJ days and things. Mine don’t even blink. I don’t think it’s a boy thing.

I absolutely despair of my disorganisation and my house and can’t see a light st the end of the tunnel for it .

Iv'e only got one left at home, a teen and it's still chaos. We seem to lurch from one crisis to another. Id just like a calm life, even if just for one week!

That sounds normal to me. It passes. Mine are past that stage in theory but it still happens sometimes.

I only had two DC but the scene you describe is very familiar!

Seriously I urge you to cherish the chaos - my DC are grown up, my house is clean and tidy, I have all the time I want to pursue my own interests and I look back on the chaos days as the happiest of my life.

Take them out. That’s the one thing that has always helped with my two boys. It seems that spending time outside, doing some exercise, running around, spending energy has been the best way to avoid them fighting all the time and climbing up the walls.
Granted you can’t quite do that with the baby yet. But you can with the older two.