To not understand why our house/life is such a shitshow?

[beclev24]

We are having dinner tonight. DS2(5) is having a tantrum because his picture didn’t turn out right and he doesn’t like the dinner. The baby is crying. There’s mess everywhere. Earlier DS1 (8) and DS2 had an argument about who know what which ended with them both crying.

We have 3 boys ages 8, 5 and 9 months. Everyday just seems to be total chaos. They are wild - tgere constantly seems to be bad behavior or tantrums or some crisis minute to minute. DH and I barely sit down. AIBU to not understand why it is always this hard? We are loving parents, we are consistent, set boundaries, give positive attention and consequences etc etc- all the stuff you are meant to do. They are sweet loving boys who are bright/do well at school etc etc. They each get lots of individual attention. I just don’t get why it’s almost always this hard and chaotic . Are we the only ones?? Are other people’s family lives very calm and orderly? If so, how do you do it??

Rainbow Yep mines are like your dcs. They are teenagers and I am yet to see them sleep past 7.30am at the weekend.....

That sounds normal to me. The other Mum’s have just figured out a method to get them to behave when other people are around. I haven’t quite figured out what their secret is yet, but I suspect it’s something to do with tasers or cattle prods.

I think the majority of families are trying to keep on top of life and have kids that sometimes can be difficult.

I only have one ds 7 and take my hat off to bigger families I don't know how you do it. I feel stressed with just the one. I work school hours so not like I get an hour for a quick tidy up etc before I start work. I drop him at school and start work 10 min later at the other end of town. Same at the end of the day I finish and have to go straight for him. It's not so bad now because he goes to an after school football club on a Monday.

I would look at triggers that set them off. I know my ds can become a nightmare when he is hungry and would never make it to after 6pm for his tea. I make his about half 4/5 and then a small supper. It works for us.

Good luck

They will have tidied for you coming round. My 2 year old seems easy and a delight. We did a full day at a wedding, she went to bed at 10 and everyone saw her impeccable behaved. But I spend hours in a dress and heels in the cold running around outside with her, have in let her have a tablet at the table, took her to the hotel room to vegetate naked in front of CBeebies in the bit between lunch and evening reception, feed her unhealthy snacks to keep her going and then had a week of nightmare tantrums at home because she had been out of routine. From the outside she looked so easy and angelic. What you see is not always what is happening.

I found that three tipped the balance a bit and was proportionally a lot harder than two. Mine were spaced similar to yours. I think being outside as much as possible helped, and I'm on the generous side re screen time when I'm cooking or busy, too. You do what you can until they're a bit older.

Turn up the music and embrace the chaos, that is my only advice. Turn up louder if they start arguing and allow them to solve their own squabbles. It isn't always easy to cope, but do so cheerfully and they will learn to do the same.

Use classical music to calm, pop music to have fun.

I feel for you- I have 3 boys with similar age gaps but we are a few years on. They are 13, 10 and 6 now and it is better. Still exhausting but better. I can remember the 8, 5 and 1 stage and it was so full on. All 3 still need me and my youngest is very demanding and at 13 the oldest isn’t really asleep until 10pm so nowadays I don’t get much evening at all to myself..... but they are easier. I only really have to do daily reading/homework with the youngest now. At 13 and 10 they are much more independent and I only get involved with homework when they want or need help - maybe once a week or so. The 13 year old gets the bus to school, makes his own packed lunch most days. This relentless phase will pass - and if you have anyone who will look after the kids, make sure you get away for a night or two once or twice a year with your husband....sanity and soul restoring!

But my house is still messy....

I've got 4 girls and so often I get praised for how lovely and polite they are at school, someone else's house etc.
Great huh?
Yesterday I wanted to lock myself in my room and cry because they were all being so vile to each other! Tantrums, arguments, complete refusal to do anything I asked etc etc. It was dreadful!
They can play well, tidy up after themselves and be helpful but they can also wind each other up no end and be completely rude and disrespectful. (Yesterday was, in part, because they wouldnt settle at bedtime so were all tired and grumpy.)
So last night I made sure the usual bedtime routine was done earlier and sat in their rooms to stop them from playing/talking. It was an absolutely exhausting day and will just be a normally exhausting one today. :)
I don't think boys are harder but kids are hard work. And to be honest, as tiring as it is, I'd rather be inputting and interacting with them and encouraging them to be who they are than turning them in tech addicts. (Although amazon video is a life saver sometimes as we all need a bit of down time!)
Hugs to you. It's normal. :)

"I have three children under 10 including a baby - why is my house chaotic"

Ummmmm you have three children under 10 including a baby! Not sure what you expect!

Exercise is really crucial especially for boys. Take them out early in the day if you can and let them run!

and all of the above is why I've advised my kids not to have kids. it's a shit show most of the time and before you know it you have lost 20 years of your life with precious little to show for it. It's ridiculously hard work, especially if you work out of the house full time, and personally speaking, not a lot of fun.
(Flamers, please note the personally speaking comment!)

My house was the same when kids were younger, it does get better I promise. As pp said, I also made sure kitchen, living room, bathroom was clean and tidy before bed, and the stuff they needed for school was ready. This made mornings so much easier. I did it once the kids were asleep - even if it meant I was doing it at 11pm.

I think it's an individual child thing. My friends dd is the same age as my ds and she is a tornado. My ds is the calm child in comparison. But with my niece who is just a few months older he is the tornado.

I think maybe in your case, they have each other to wind them up. Every one tells me it will pass, so hang on to that!

It's not a boy thing, one of my sisters has three girls and my god...the arguments I really think it's down to personality. My first two are fairly easy, my third is a bloody nightmare and causes all the chaos.

Kids just suck, basically. It’s not a boy thing- mine are all girls and our house is bedlam too.

It’s not your parenting either. They want your attention, because you’re their Mum- and they know you’ll respond if they’re upset/pissed off. For better or worse.

I've found my people!
I have dts7 and on most days they drive mr crazy, to the point I want to just leave the house and let them get on with destroying it.
On the two days I have off work during the week I generally spend it cleaning the whole house, only for them to come home and trash it. There isn't usually much fighting between them, unless of course it's about who's watching which movie of an evening, but good Lord the arguments I have over dinner time.
Dts2 is so fussy that I just don't know what to feed him anymore, he wants chips with every meal I really do despair.

Last night dts1 had a full on tantrum whilst doing homework even though I was sat next to him helping, he's ended up handing in a pisspoor piece of work that makes me look like a crap parent who has no interest in helping him, whilst at school he's a model student that helps other children when he's finished his work.

This morning they've both gone to school with a flea in their ear, because they won't get up in the morning so I ended up shouting at them as we were late, again!

My sister in law has 3 and she never gets a minute either,the more you have the more little bodies causing havoc 😁

God I was considering another child i might be better leaving it at 1

You are DEFINITELY not alone.
Please take some reassurance in knowing that the situation you describe is, I believe, very normal.
(I see some families where it seems that the kids are allowed to do basically whatever they want, in order to avoid chaos and have a calmer home, as the moment any rules or boundaries are articulated, the kids raise hell. (One of my friend's kids even said to me, 'you know why we get to be on our ipads all the time? Because if mum/dad tried to take them, all hell would break loose' - his own words!))
I'm about to look for books that might help my little girl with her tantrums, something aimed at kids.
In terms of mess - maybe try to get a system going - storage boxes, storage areas, kids helping to tidy, de-clutter, clean things as you go along etc. Sorry that seems like silly advice.
Just try to stay calm; try not to shout (this is my downfall - I do try hard not to); and try to retain some sanity. I tell myself 'serenity now'. Sending hugs. And wine.

I have 3 boys - 9,8 and 11 months. It's chaos. DS1&2 constantly fight, bicker, make mess....They are feral. We are like you, invest so much time in our kids, there are consequences, routine and they do amazingly at school, in all the sports teams and to the outside world are just amazing. But they are like feral animals.

Then there is the baby. Finding his feet, demanding alot of attention.... you are not alone! Being a mother of boys is interesting....just think... theyll always love their mum's and won't be as bad as teenage girls 😂😂😂

Echo senior school mom that's why it's hard! They are still really quite young and you do have a baby. Things will get easier soon especially when the 8 year old gets older xxx

Also don't compare yourself to parents if girls!! Completely different cup of tea! They will have it harder when puberty comes 😂

Thanks everyone- v reassuring to know I’m not alone.

@mathanxiety yes they do chores- DS1 sets table and takes out recycling. DS2 empties dishwasher and waters plants. They both clear up toys and own plates etc after meals. We do focus on their contribution to the family/give lots of positive feedback etc. getting them to do it each day is still a battle and in itself generates loads of work.

Re conflict t resolution- it’s getting better and I’ve read all the books etc and try to apply the techniques but often they are all screaming/ hitting etc within seconds so we are a loong way off from the UN!

@bythebeach so good to hear that it gets easier from someone in the same situation but a few years on. Thank you! Do you remember when/ how things started to change?

Thanks so much for the reassurance and kind messages everyone. Whenever I read mumsnet it always seems as though everyone's kids behave so well and other parents are so much more in control- my kids seem so feral in comparison. This is making me feel much better.