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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About SIL/PIL puppy?

99 replies

Dobbythesockelf · 15/10/2018 20:27

I will start this off saying I do not get on with my in laws very well.

My Sil has been bought a puppy by her boyfriend. It is only 3 months old and she has never had a dog before, none of my dh family have any experience with dogs. She still lives at home in their very small house which only has one room downstairs, open plan kitchen lounge

I have a 4 month old and a 3 yr old. My aibu is would it be wrong for me to refuse to take my children round to their house esp ds who's a baby until the puppy is older and properly trained? MIL thinks I'm being ridiculous but having grown up around dogs I don't feel comfortable going to a house where there is no where to safely keep the dog away from children especially at such a young age.

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 16/10/2018 10:38

You have to visit because you chose to move.

Tell her they chose to have a dog so now she can visit because you won't allow the gkids to be around a puppy that the people who look after it do not even appreciate possible pitfalls/problems/dangers!

DeltaZulu89 · 16/10/2018 10:49

It’s two Great Dane puppies GDC, the eldest of which is six months, has paws bigger than my hands and is on track to be over sixty kilos. When he is calmer and older, and my baby is bigger and more robust, I will absolutely let them interact, just not while the pups are so boisterous and my baby is so small. Surely that’s reasonable?
I feel like I’ve hijacked your thread op, I’m sorry!

BumDisease · 16/10/2018 10:52

"Interesting how many people think it's your responsibility to train your 3 year old how to be around a puppy, but not your IL's responsibility to train the puppy and ensure it is ok to be around a toddler and baby"

Why would you not teach your children how to behave around dogs?

"Wait, are you actually seriously comparing getting a dog to having a baby "

I didn't realise it was physically possible to roll my eyes as hard as I just have.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 10:56

Yes I think you're right Delta given the breed. GD are beautiful dogs and are usually very good natured but given the size of them and their paws it's best to proceed with caution.

Inertia · 16/10/2018 10:59

Bollocks do you have to visit them as they chose to move! They chose to get dogs which are not yet safe around such small children, with no means of keeping them separated.

Best option is to meet halfway at eg a dog- friendly park, or go for a pub lunch.?

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:03

Ok right just to say again my dd is 3. She knows how to behave around animals we have 2 cats and my sister has a dog. However she is still 3 she sometimes gets over excited and forgets how to behave appropriately.
In laws refuse to visit us and refuse to meet us somewhere else. Or at least they have done in the past.
I don't think the dog is rabid beast. I grew up with working dogs I am fine with dogs however this is a young puppy in a new environment and a toddler, there is nowhere downstairs in their house to shut the puppy away if everyone gets to excited. That is the problem I am having. When we had a young dog we always left in the kitchen when people visited and did introductions on a lead. ILs are refusing to discuss how the dog will be handled during our visit.
As for shutting the children away.... cause dogs have never bitten kids so I have no reason to be cautious??

OP posts:

DeltaZulu89 · 16/10/2018 11:09

Thanks GDC, I know it can be a contentious issue (as proved by this thread!) and I’m probably being over cautious, but hey, what are nervous first time mums for lol. I’m sure they will be amazing with her when they are out of the silly puppy stage

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 11:11

What's DD like around your sisters dog?

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:15

Shes good. When she first started twiddling the dog was generally kept behind a safety gate in the kitchen and generally now is on a lead as we tend to see it at my parents house since my sister moved. She knows to be gentle etc. My sister has two children herself and the dog is 10 years old. We always watch her and one of us sits with her when the dog is around.
My dd loves animals and is generally very good with them but she is in a bit of a shrieking silly phase atm.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:16

Toddling not twiddling obviously

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 11:23

It's encouraging that she likes the dog and is gentle with it although I know a 10 year old dog is very different to a 12 week old puppy. You can either see how a visit goes with one of you being on hand with the 3 year old and the other holding the baby to see how the puppy behaves and how DD reacts to it, explaining to PIL that if things get too much you will be leaving or you make the decision not to go.

Personally I would try going and see how it pans out. Hopefully it will be ok and will put your fears to rest.

Exceptionalonly · 16/10/2018 11:26

I think yabu.
I wouldn’t disagree if you wanted to wait A while before leaving your dc there without your and dh until you see how well they supervise the pup and how well they train them.
But at the end of the day both you and your husband will be there and you can tailgate your toddler if necessary and if things get too much then leave.
I think it would be extremely controlling just to say your dc can’t attend before you have even seen how well they will supervise and train the pup.
Yes there may be other issues and you and your dh may have had problems with them, but I think it would be difficult to justify refusing to allow contact because of a puppy.

MatildaTheCat · 16/10/2018 11:37

Really? All those adults to ensure dc are safe from one small puppy and you are still considering not going? What an overreaction.

I suggest you drive to a park near their house and let dc1 run off some energy. Perhaps even meet them there with puppy if it’s allowed out. Then pup will curl up and sleep at home and your dc can be centre of attention. If she knows how to behave and adults are there to supervise closely I genuinely can’t see a problem.

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:39

My dh is going to talk to his mum again next week and explain we have reservations about us all being in 1 room for a few hours without a break for the puppy. He will explain that if dd or the dog start getting too over excited and it becomes a bit much we will leave. We will have to wait and see how she takes it. There is a huge possibility it will cause an argument but we shall wait and see. They didn't talk to dh for 3 weeks last year when he changed the visit over Xmas cause I was in hospital. I'm leaving it up to dh as it's his family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:45

They won't meet us out of their house at all. Literally they haven't come to any of dds birthdays as they won't drive to us. They didn't see ds till he was 8 weeks old as they wouldn't come and visit. We tried to arrange to meet them in a nearby city when we were there for a wedding last year but they wouldn't come. We either go to their house for a certain time or we don't go at all. Like I said there is a huge backstory of us moving for dh job and his mother not talking to us etc. We are trying our best to keep the contact with their grandchildren.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 11:46

Yes let him to speak to his mum.

The park suggestion is a very good one OP. The pup will be distracted by all the other stuff going on, he can meet DD, she can "charge around" and let off steam and hopefully by the time you get back to PILs both DD and the puppy will be tired.

Is that something you'd consider?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 11:47

Sorry x post with you OP. Surely they can walk to a park near to them?

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 11:52

I will suggest it but I won't hold my breath. They have a huge thing about us moving away and not accomadating out choices. It all seems so ridiculous written down. We have to go on a Saturday and be there for midday, they complain if we are any later etc. They might surprise us and agree to meet in a park. We shall wait and see.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2018 11:56

They sound mad! Sorry for your mad inlaws OP. It’s always the humans not the dogs that are the issue!

Original poster

Dobbythesockelf · 16/10/2018 12:12

They are generally quite difficult to deal with sadly. I'm just gonna leave it up to dh this time. We have a lot going on and are rather stressed atm and I'm not sure I have the head space to deal with his mum as well.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 16/10/2018 12:23

It doesn’t sound an ideal situation but I agree, if you go along and supervise closely and monitor the interaction between the toddler and the puppy, you’ll all survive. And if the wee thing is too OTT and nippy, you can leave.

If it helps, I’m also a first time puppy owner and my puppy is ace.

(He’s also fast asleep about 20 out of 24 hours, so ...)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 12:35

If they won't agree to the park then I would ask DH to explain to them that when you initially get there that the puppy needs to be on the lead, it will be very excitable I imagine and will want to run over to you all. Also as much as can explain to a 3 year old not to shout and scream, I'd try and talk to DD and say that she must try and be quiet at first and just see how it goes OP.

At least they can't say you're not willing to go and see how it pans out. Good luck hope it's not as bad as you anticipate.

EndeavourVoyage · 16/10/2018 12:40

This could be a perfect opportunity for you to teach your DC how to behave around dogs, how to approach them and what NOT to do when they are around. Embrace this as a learning situation, keep your eye on the dogs and your DC's behaviour and act accordingly. If you want to visit and leave your kids to run/crawl around the house then I would stay away, the is not good for a puppy.

Aprilislonggone · 16/10/2018 16:03

MissSusan I implied no such thing but ils don't need to ask permission to get a ddog. Doubt the op asked for any to conceive her dc.

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