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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About SIL/PIL puppy?

99 replies

Dobbythesockelf · 15/10/2018 20:27

I will start this off saying I do not get on with my in laws very well.

My Sil has been bought a puppy by her boyfriend. It is only 3 months old and she has never had a dog before, none of my dh family have any experience with dogs. She still lives at home in their very small house which only has one room downstairs, open plan kitchen lounge

I have a 4 month old and a 3 yr old. My aibu is would it be wrong for me to refuse to take my children round to their house esp ds who's a baby until the puppy is older and properly trained? MIL thinks I'm being ridiculous but having grown up around dogs I don't feel comfortable going to a house where there is no where to safely keep the dog away from children especially at such a young age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dobbythesockelf · 15/10/2018 21:36

My dh is going to speak to her again later on in the week and explain that we think it might be a bit much if the puppy has nowhere to get away from the children. It is over a 2 hour journey to see them so my dh doesn't want to make the drive if his mum refuses to listen to his concerns. Obviously there is a lot more behind the scenes, dh doesn't get on well with his parents. I'm sure I will get a lot more of you don't like your in laws etc. Which is true but my dh also has concerns so it's not all evil dil who hates pil.
I have seen and dealt with some badly treated and behaviours dogs which I am sure is colouring my view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dobbythesockelf · 15/10/2018 21:41

I will admit I would prefer not to go but as this is the only way my in laws will we the children we have no choice but to visit. I have not missed a visit in 3 years apart from when I had hyperemesis it my dh still took them then.
I am not scared of dogs etc like I said I have had animals my whole life and worked in an animal rescue for years.
I am going to leave it up to my dh to make the final decision it is his family after all.

OP posts:
Kattyy · 15/10/2018 21:46

Yabu. Monitor the toddler and the pup during the visit and make an informed decision.

CurbsideProphet · 15/10/2018 21:59

Interesting how many people think it's your responsibility to train your 3 year old how to be around a puppy, but not your IL's responsibility to train the puppy and ensure it is ok to be around a toddler and baby Hmm

I hate it when people buy dogs on a whim and pay no attention to making sure they have the kind of lifestyle that suits having a dog. If the boyfriend has bought the dog as a present (how does that not ring alarm bells for people?) then chances are they might have got rid in a few weeks once they realise what's involved (other than cute photos).

DeltaZulu89 · 15/10/2018 22:58

I’m really surprised by all the negative feedback you are getting. I have PIL currently pressuring me to let my newborn around two large breed puppies. I’ve said no. I’ve not personally trained them, I’ve not seen their behaviour over a number of years like other family dogs, they are unpredictable, and clumsy, excitable (esp spaniel mix) YANBU! The safety of your kids comes first.

MadameButterface · 15/10/2018 23:12

honestly this preciousness about babies and dogs is such a weird mumsnet thing. what do you suppose the 'two large breed puppies' are going to do to your newborn Delta? will you be leaving it in their crate with them unsupervised? honestly, I get the thing about toddlers/smaller children because they can get handsy with dogs and freak them out. but babes in arms who are not left unattended - what is the problem? only on mn have I seen this sort of aghast pearl clutching about babies and dogs being under the same roof. like a pp said, they're puppies not werewolves.

confusedmomm · 15/10/2018 23:14

I would go and see what it's like. You haven't seen the puppy and like others have said it's easy enough to keep the baby away and your 3 year old knows how to be around animals. Test the waters during this visit and then decide for future.

Strokethefurrywall · 15/10/2018 23:36

There is nothing about your OP that makes you reasonable.

It's a 12 week old puppy, not a rabid St Bernard FFS. How do you think puppies learn to socialise with humans and small children? By, you know, socialising.

As long as you don't lie your baby on the floor next to its snarling teeth, I'm sure you'll all be fine Hmm

Duskqueen · 15/10/2018 23:43

How old is the puppy? Surely the best time to start introducing them is when the puppy is little, rather than waiting until he is older and more likely to do even more damage.

Wherearemycarkeys · 16/10/2018 03:15

If it's a puppy I think you're being a bit ridiculous tbh.

DeltaZulu89 · 16/10/2018 04:48

Madame, I did already explain how puppies can cause accidents. It’s not about how dangerous the dogs are, because in themselves, they aren’t. It’s the fact that puppies get excitable, knock stuff over, bump into people, get toddlers excited, who then want to play and don’t understand sharp little teeth. How quickly can a spaniel pup jump on a couch and accidentally scratch a baby being held? It only takes a second.

I don’t think OP’s SIL dog will be a vicious killer, same as my PIL Great Danes aren’t, but accidents happen, and I don’t blame the OP for wanting to mitigate those risks. I absolutely adore dogs, and if the OPs AIBU was “my sil has a very well trained calm dog, who can be relied on to be safe around my baby but I’m still nervous in case it attacks” I would give different advice.
There is also the consideration that it might not be toilet trained and there will be a toddler running around.

Blondebakingmumma · 16/10/2018 05:52

I think I’d feel more comfortable the puppy getting used to my kids whilst it’s still young, rather than introducing it to kids as a grown dog that isn’t used to little ones
I’d make sure to hover and be vocal
“No jumping on the baby”
“Yuk, don’t lick her face”
Incase the in-laws are totally useless and need to be given cues as how to train a dog

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 05:57

When will you introduce your child to dogs then Delta? You do realise that you're going to pass your irrational fear on to your child don't you? There is no reason that you can't take your baby to your inlaws house while the dogs are there. You will be there with your baby and at least one other adult but possibly 3 to monitor the dogs. If you let them get used to the baby now by the time he/she is toddling they won't bat an eyelid.

Obviously this is only if the dogs are well socialised, normal happy dogs with no history of being aggressive or snapping etc.

Grammar · 16/10/2018 07:13

Delta Zulu and Inertia, absolutely right.
The puppy will NOT get ' used' to the children as they are geographically a long way away. That's different from dogs and children in same house, coexisting together.
FWIW, there was a safeguarding initiative a few years ago, where every pregnant woman/ couple expecting were screened by health visitors as to whether they had a dog at home. This is because babies and young children ( even teens, if I remember one situation) can be fatally or otherwise injured by dogs.
I think it's hard enough visiting somewhere with a 3 year old and a 4 month old, you have to be constantly vigilant anyway, let alone with a puppy who might get distressed by all the faces, noises and activity.
YANBU OP, visit by all means as long as the are safeguards in place. This from a dog owner with 3 children
I agree about making it about the puppy's welfare, it is, as much as your DCs. ( The puppy should have a crate or ' safe place to retreat to). Do I understand your SIL has not taken any time off a 40 hour week to settle the pup in or are PIL doing it?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/10/2018 07:23

I think I'd go, but have a back up plan. Ask your husband to closely look after the 3 year old while you look after the baby and make sure they are never unsupervised with the puppy. If it looks like it's all getting a bit much then you can always take the 3 year old out to the park or for a walk, or just turn round and go home

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 07:23

Grammar so what do you suggest the OP and Delta do then? Never visit their inlaws? Is that what you're saying? All dogs need socialising with children and hopefully the dogs in question will have been or will be doing. No need for such a hysterical response.

It's all about being sensible and evaluating the situation, never leaving any dog alone with a baby or small child and watching carefully. If these dogs are friendly, well socialised, happy, healthy dogs there is no reason at all not to visit unless of course you're using the dog as an excuse to visit...

Grammar · 16/10/2018 07:25

GreatDuckCookery, Delta has 2 large dogs and a baby, so she already inyroduced her child to dogs and is not passing on ' an irrational fear'

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 07:33

Which is even more confusing why she won't take her baby to her inlaws, she knows the dogs in question don't you think?

Unless they are aggressive and have a history for snapping/attacking I don't think there's any reason not to visit.

LakieLady · 16/10/2018 07:37

Interesting how many people think it's your responsibility to train your 3 year old how to be around a puppy, but not your IL's responsibility to train the puppy and ensure it is ok to be around a toddler and baby

I think both apply.

Dogs need to get used to small children in a safe, controlled way. You can't train a dog to be calm around small children if it never meets any, and you'd be amazed at some of bizarre things children do around dogs if they aren't taught how. (My first dog was happily snoozing under a pub table when a toddler crawled over and poked a straw up the dog's nose.)

The basics (not jumping up and bite inhibition) can be taught easily and quickly, I'd quiz them on these two points before you decide. Your 3-year old needs to understand not to go near pr disturb the dog when it is eating or sleeping, and to ber calm around it.

Grammar · 16/10/2018 07:40

The problem is, OPand her DH have had no such reasurrance that the puppy is being looked after with strange children around.
I am a dog owner but I'm afraid I've seen some atrocious, irresponsible owners who will not or cannot train their dogs.
I'm not against dogs, I'm against owners who are irresponsible. OP needs reasurrance that the owners her SIL and PIL are not airing disregarding her and their son's concerns.

Grammar · 16/10/2018 07:41

' airily'

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 07:42

There's nothing to suggest the puppy isn't being trained though. They only got it last week and the OP hasn't even seen it yet!
Big old fuss about nothing.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 16/10/2018 07:43

YANBU

Grammar · 16/10/2018 07:43

I don't understand your last post GDC.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 07:44

Interesting how many people think it's your responsibility to train your 3 year old how to be around a puppy, but not your IL's responsibility to train the puppy and ensure it is ok to be around a toddler and baby

My response was to this, I x post with you Grammar.

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