Going Away for Christmas Leaving Mother at Home

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My Mum has been on her own for 10 years she is 72 and very fit and healthy, we have been taking her away on holiday with us usually once a year but it's always stressful with a demanding husband and teenage Son it's difficult to keep everyone happy.

We recently bought a holiday home and decided to go away this Spring just my Mum and Son but may husband decided he wanted to join us half way through. This caused huge problems as he wanted to us to do our own thing during the day and just get together with my Mum in the evenings. It is difficult as she doesn''t enjoy sitting around or going to the beach, doesn't swim etc.

She was very angry and we spent the rest of the time arguing about my selfishness and her being neglected. When we got home she told everyone and they said my behaviour was disgusting.

We now want to go at Christmas - my Mum refuses to come to our house at Christmas as she says we make her feel uncomfortable so if we stay at home we wouldn't see her on Christmas day anyway. Feeling guilty I asked her to come with us at Christmas but this caused a big argument as she believes I have only asked her out of guilt and we don't want her there.

Am I being really selfish to think she could go off for walks and do her own thing in the day time and we all go out for meals and drinks in the evenings. My husband doesn't want to spend a week hanging around with my Mum and I feel tied trying to keep them both happy.

I have tried to explain this to my Mum but she says I just feel sorry for myself and being a victim.

She says we make her feel uncomfortable all the time and that she doesn't want to come anywhere when my husband is around which makes spending time together at weekends difficult. He works away during the week so any time together is precious.

Is it unreasonable to just book the flight and leave her at home. I feel as though I have to choose between what I think is right or having a relaxing holiday with my husband and son.

The trouble is that this won’t be resolved while youre in the middle. Both your dh and your mum are telling you over and over what they want, but they’re not actually talking to each other to work through their differences and call a truce.

I’d be very tempted to book myself a flight elsewhere and leave them to it tbh!

I think that if you've asked her for Christmas & she has said no, there's not much you can do tbh.

Presumably if you make her uncomfortable, then going to her for Christmas isn't an option either?

She certainly can't be thinking that you would leave your husband behind?

What a difficult situation for you. When your Ma is on her own is she able to make her own way into a town or village by herself. |t works for me but I know not everyone is physically able. I am a Widow and have one grown up daughter. Sometimes she is here for a day or so at Christmas and sometimes with friends. I always encourage her to go and have fun with friends if she can. I really don't mind being on my own as I am used to it. Christmas is only one day after all.

Perhaps, as other posters have said you can take her away without your husband another time.

I do hope you get it sorted and enjoy your Christmas.

Ffs not everyone is lovely and reasonable just because they are 72! Your mum sounds like a guilt-tripping pain in the ass, your dh sounds like he's had enough and started to push back. You, OP, sound like you're stuck in the middle.

Think about what YOU want and then tell tell both their options and let them choose what they want to do.

For some pps, giving birth and being over 60 is not a free pass to behave badly and no have to think about anyone else's needs.

It seems DM was absolutely fine until her son in law gate crashed and ruined her holiday.. Even if he was "pushing back" it's not his job - DiLs are always being told to leave MiL negotiations to their husband

OP, I think your mum's set out her stall for Christmas - she doesn't want to be anywhere near your husband. That's fair enough, go to your holiday home without her and point out if she complains that she had the chance to come but turned it down.

Hmm, I can see why she was annoyed on the previous holiday. If I’ve understood things correctly, DH arrived and she was expected suddenly to spend her days alone?

I don’t think that is reasonable at all. Think how you’d feel if you hadwent on a trip away with your DM in the past and your DF unexpectedly turned up. At that point you were told that you couldn’t spend time with them and that you could only join them for meals. How would you feel?

Tbh, I see no point asking her to come with you if you don’t actually all want her there.

I really wish the OP would come back. Whether she intended to or not, she has really portrayed her husband as a selfish, childish and inconsiderate man. It there is some back story between him and her mother then I think, in the interests of fairness, she should let us know.

If there isn't, then she should really be taking a long, hard look at how she lets her husband treat her mother. Also, what kind of terrible example is he setting his son?

At the moment my sympathies are entirely with the mother who seems to have been treated like dirt by her SIL and has now had enough.

I agree with this too. Sounds like you can't do anything right so go and enjoy your holiday at Christmas. Your DS won't be a child forever x

It was the DH who arrived in a holiday that he was not expected to be on.
If the OP had been on the holiday with her Best Friend or D Sis would they be at fault if the DH turned up?
I know that MNs would be outraged if a DH stopped a MN from seeing friends or was rude to the female friends. It would be considered bad if a DH did this to anyone other than a mother.
Why is the DM being made out to be the bad one here. It is totally understandable that the DM is not happy to be with her SIL As for the mother being angry with the daughter it would be natural to speak to the closest relative when unhappy as the DM clearly is.

My mum has been single (well not single as such but ‘dating’ on and off) my whole life. She’s 72 and in 42. So every Christmas she’s been with me, wherever I’ve been, on Christmas Day.
I'm married (16 years) and we have 2 children (14 and 9).
So the past 7 years we’ve had Christmas Day at our house, mum comes, and we have our friends round with their kids. Around mid afternoon mum would disappear back to her house without a word, she’d literally just leave.
Two years ago, in January, mum brought it up about how she felt ‘left out’ on Christmas Day as we have our connection with our friends… which is why she just leaves as she does. I was shocked to hear this as we’ve always felt we made a conscious effort to include her in the day. However after long conversation (and a bit of heated argument) I did try to understand what she was saying.
I added that I don’t particularly enjoy Christmas as I find it stressful and (as I’ve told her before) I would love to just go abroad somewhere for Christmas and not have to worry about it all. To which she said “don't worry about me, I have lots of options at Christmas”.
Tbh, I was delighted as this meant we could go away somewhere with the kids and not feel guilty for leaving her at Christmas!
So me and and hubby booked to take the kids away to Disneyland Paris for the following Christmas, absolutely buzzing!

When we told mum she was devastated. Told me how selfish I was being leaving her but eventually (seemed to) accept it.

We had the most incredible time in Disney, the kids absolutely loved it as did me and hubby, it was perfect!

Kept in touch with mum throughout, including video calls.

Btw we also had our ‘Christmas Day’ with mum a week before we went.

So when we got back we booked to go back the following Christmas…

She’s just told me how upset she feels that we’re leaving her at Christmas. We had a major row about it.

My feeling is that if she was with someone (eg married or in a stable relationship where she would be with them at Christmas) then this wouldn’t be such a big thing.

I have my own family unit separate to her so why should I not be able to do this?

She said she was just telling me as it was how she feels and she’s entitled to tell me. I said how did she think I was going to feel about her telling me that apart from awful and guilty?

I guess I just wanted to put this out there to get people’s views on the situation.