Going Away for Christmas Leaving Mother at Home
red989 · 15/10/2018 11:35
My Mum has been on her own for 10 years she is 72 and very fit and healthy, we have been taking her away on holiday with us usually once a year but it's always stressful with a demanding husband and teenage Son it's difficult to keep everyone happy.
We recently bought a holiday home and decided to go away this Spring just my Mum and Son but may husband decided he wanted to join us half way through. This caused huge problems as he wanted to us to do our own thing during the day and just get together with my Mum in the evenings. It is difficult as she doesn''t enjoy sitting around or going to the beach, doesn't swim etc.
She was very angry and we spent the rest of the time arguing about my selfishness and her being neglected. When we got home she told everyone and they said my behaviour was disgusting.
We now want to go at Christmas - my Mum refuses to come to our house at Christmas as she says we make her feel uncomfortable so if we stay at home we wouldn't see her on Christmas day anyway. Feeling guilty I asked her to come with us at Christmas but this caused a big argument as she believes I have only asked her out of guilt and we don't want her there.
Am I being really selfish to think she could go off for walks and do her own thing in the day time and we all go out for meals and drinks in the evenings. My husband doesn't want to spend a week hanging around with my Mum and I feel tied trying to keep them both happy.
I have tried to explain this to my Mum but she says I just feel sorry for myself and being a victim.
She says we make her feel uncomfortable all the time and that she doesn't want to come anywhere when my husband is around which makes spending time together at weekends difficult. He works away during the week so any time together is precious.
Is it unreasonable to just book the flight and leave her at home. I feel as though I have to choose between what I think is right or having a relaxing holiday with my husband and son.
LillianGish · 15/10/2018 18:13
I can't work out from your OP whether your DH doesn't get with your mum because she is irritating or if your mum doesn't get on with him because he genuinely makes her feel unwelcome. Personally I think if you invite your mum to join you on holiday then you should reasonably expect to spend time with her. When my parents were both alive they would stay with us and then have days out on their own. Now it's just mum I'd expect her to do things with us (same for MIL when she was alive) although when we stay with her we might go out as a family to give her a break, but that's different because she's in her own home. I think if you invite someone for Christmas then they can reasonably expect to be included in most activities. Personally I think your DH ought to be capable of being nice to your mum on the occasions when she is staying with you (you don't say how often this is) - maybe even allow the two of you to have a bit of time on your own while he does something with your son. In her shoes, spending Christmas with you at your holiday home doesn't sound like a very tempting prospect at all - apart from anything else it just sounds like it would be too long. If she won't come to your house for the day I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go away with you. I'd be cross with my DH in this situation for making my mum feel uncomfortable, but that's my mum - if yours is awkward, demanding, rude and unreasonable it's a different matter.
SaucyJack · 15/10/2018 18:28
“ I feel as though I have to choose between what I think is right or having a relaxing holiday with my husband and son”
Need a bit more information here. Given the free choice, in an environment where nobody was guilting or pressurising you, would you prefer to be relaxing on the beach with your husband and son, or off out in the day with your Mum?
One of the other two people involved is a demanding PITA, and it sounds very much as though the other person is well aware of that and is refusing to kowtow.
Impossible to say which way round tho from the information given:
diddl · 15/10/2018 19:53
I could see how disappointing it would be to think that she would be spending time with her daughter & GS & then for that not to happen for as long as she thought it would.
However-to be angry & call you selfish seems OTT.
Why would she begrudge you three time as a family on holiday?
Maybe you have a demanding mum & husband!
Motoko · 15/10/2018 19:54
Your DH sounds quite controlling. You yourself describe him as "demanding". He says he doesn't want to come on holiday with you but then turns up part-way through and demands you ditch your DM to do what he wants to do. He has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to spend time with your DM and sees her as an inconvenience, so no wonder she feels "uncomfortable" in your home.
Nail on the head. I'd have been pissed off if I thought I was going to have a nice holiday with my DD and DGS, and then half way through, my SIL waltzes in and demands that I now had to occupy myself. He sounds nasty, and OP sounds either selfish, or abused, to have gone along with it.
Anyway, it doesn't look like OP's coming back, so I guess we'll not get any questions answered to clarify.
Stillme1 · 15/10/2018 20:12
Your DM was the person who gave birth to you and brought you up. She was the person on which your very survival depended. Just the way it was when you were tiny.
When you married your DM probably felt that she would have to take a step back but she still had importance with you as she was still your DM. Another step back for DM when DC arrived. She became a DGM. She likely thought she would have lovely times with you and DGC
Then your DH happened. Was he always hostile to your DM or is this a recent thing? Did something happen that turned his mind against you DM or did DM do anything to you DH? The DC/DGC probably want a DD DM and DGM. I certainly would not want to spend time with your DH given the way he treated an elderly lady. You say she is independent and capable but she is still an old lady. It is nasty to be making things uncomfortable for a lady especially one of senior years and maybe even cowardly. Would he have done this when DF was around or treated him in this way?
I think most people have had at some point had to bite tongue and endure someone they would really not have in their lives.
MrsPworkingmummy · 15/10/2018 20:17
From your initial post, it sounds like your DH is behaving like a spoiled, entitled brat. His behaviour sounds horrid and its no wonder your mum feels uncomfortable. You couldn't go away with her and expect her to do her own thing during the day... that's just rude and nasty. Do you have siblings or would your mum truly be on her own otherwise ? I couldn't bare a week away with my own mother in law, but would always be civil and friendly. Wouldn't put myself in a position where we'd end up going away together to be honest .
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/10/2018 20:20
Has anyone asked what OP wants? What do you want OP? Forget the husband Forget the mother what would make you happy? I would suggest a meeting with husband and mother and you and tell both of them to sort themselves out cos you are being pulled always and you feel you cant win with either one of them and its making you unhappy..maybe if they air their differences with each other you can all move on and life will be happier all ways round...Grief off her grief off him bugger that OP you matter too...
Twillow · 15/10/2018 20:45
I think your DH is the problem here. Surely he can accomodate SOME together time and make your mum feel welcomed. While I certainly appreciate that happy families don't shine as bright as they are often painted and that MIL's can be a right pain, it IS unreasonable to expect a lonely 70+ to come on holiday and spend the daylight hours occupying herself.
NailsNeedDoing · 15/10/2018 21:06
I must be reading a different OP, it doesn't sound to me like the Dh has done anything wrong except not want to spend his entire holiday with his MIL. Lots of perfectly nice MNers don't want to spend all that much time with their in laws either, especially when they go to their own holiday home with their partner and child.
Your dh is rightly conceding to have your mother around for mealtimes and in the evenings, and lots of that he'll just have to deal with because she's your Mum. He is not BU to want to go to the beach and spend his time off work with his wife and child, and yanbu to think that a healthy independent woman should be able to spend a few hours alone.
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/10/2018 21:14
nails it wasn't his holiday his wasn't meant to go then decided he wanted to and showed up half way through. that's all fine but then he took over and decided he didn't want op to spend the time with her mother and wanted to leave her alone all day, not just a few hours. notice how op says a demanding dh in her op
LillianGish · 15/10/2018 21:18
yanbu to think that a healthy independent woman should be able to spend a few hours alone. She does spend a lot of time alone - she’s been on her own for ten years. She goes on holiday with them once a year - not unreasonable to think she might not have to be alone on holiday , otherwise why invite her in the first place? Imagine being invited on holiday and then half way through being told to do your own thing. Understandably the Mum would rather stay at home than do this - I don’t blame her. To be honest OP your mum probably thinks if she’s going to spend time alone then she’d rather do it in the comfort of her own home - especially at Christmas.
diddl · 15/10/2018 21:21
"Actually, it reads to me that the OP would be happy to sit on the beach all day with her husband and son- but it’s the mother that won’t join in with them."
It does read like that to me also.
Of course everyone is jumping on the fact that Op has called her husband demanding.
NailsNeedDoing · 15/10/2018 21:26
It's not clear to me from the OP whether the dh decided to join the holiday halfway through while they were actually on the holiday, or whether he decided after it was booked that he wanted to go too.
Either way, can you imagine how the thread would look if an OP said they were being excluded fro my going to their own holiday home with their husband and child just because the MIL was going?
Moussemoose · 15/10/2018 21:28
72 and alone at Christmas.
So she can do anything she wants and that's ok because she is 72?
She got back from the holiday and told everyone the OPs behaviour was disgusting. She was given free accommodation but because it didn't work out how she wanted she slagged her off and that's ok?
The OPs mum says the OP feels sorry for herself and is a victim. The poor old lady also says she doesn't want to come away when the OPs DH is around.
She doesn't sound like a defenceless old lady to me.
Maelstrop · 15/10/2018 21:36
Ok, the dh didn’t want to spend his entire holiday with his mil, but she was already there on the understanding that he wasn’t! And why did the OP dump her mum on a holiday they were meant to be sharing to fuck off and leave her mum alone? I’m not surprised the mum was angry. Meet up at night while you entertain yourself? Oh yeah, right!! Charming! OP was weak to let this happen.
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