Going Away for Christmas Leaving Mother at Home

I think your DH was BU on the holiday, but on the other hand, your mum is BU regarding Christmas.

She says you make her feel uncomfortable. So why does she want you at her house?

Frankly, if she's that hard to please, I would be saying sod it and she can do her own thing at Christmas.

She's 72 and very active. She could decide to volunteer. She could decide to spend Christmas with friends. She could decide to enjoy a nice, quiet day by herself.

It's not all about her.

I don't think the OP said anything about the mother wanting them to come to her house.

I think the poor woman has got the message loud and clear that her son in law does not want her around. Therefore she doesn't want to spend Christmas feeling like she's intruding on her own family (because her daughter and grandson are her family). It's a sad situation and I would really be trying to find some kind of compromise OP.

Your DH sounds quite controlling. You yourself describe him as "demanding". He says he doesn't want to come on holiday with you but then turns up part-way through and demands you ditch your DM to do what he wants to do. He has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to spend time with your DM and sees her as an inconvenience, so no wonder she feels "uncomfortable" in your home. Is he as intolerant of his own DP's or are you expected to be more understanding where they're concerned?

I feel sorry for the OP
I don't think any of them ask what she wants.
Please think about what you actually want.

You seem to be between a rock and a hard place, OP. I sympathise, as I also have a DM and DH who don’t get on.

They both sound unreasonable, as each wants things their way. Your DH wants you to himself, so does your DM. Neither is thinking of you in all this, and the pressure it puts you under.

Normally a compromise could be reached whereby you and your DH spend the odd day out together, and other days including your DM. It sounds as though your DM is being rather selfish in begrudging you time together when you don’t get much anyway as your husband works away all week. She should be capable of amusing herself from time to time.

As regards Christmas, it is your DM who has chosen not to spend it with you. She has made her choice, you should be allowed to make yours. She doesn’t take your feelings into account when she refuses Christmas with you. I suggest you go ahead with your plans. She will no doubt be upset, but it might make her think about her relationship with you all and perhaps value you more.

I really don't see why the OP's mother should agree to spend Christmas with a man who is rude to her and deliberately excludes her. That is not her fault. I think the OP is in a difficult situation and should try and find a way of ensuring her mother is not alone all over Christmas but is not pressured into spending it someone who makes her feel in the way.
The OP's mother is her responsibility to a degree, and her DH has put her in a very difficult situation.

Your DH sounds quite controlling. You yourself describe him as "demanding

So do I. He seems to 'demand' quite a lot.

I would have been upset if I was your DM on the holiday too.

I really don't see why the OP's mother should agree to spend Christmas with a man who is rude to her and deliberately excludes her. That is not her fault

I agree

Whose holiday home is it?

If yours & your husband's-why shouldn't he turn up to hos own place?

Why couldn't he join in with what was already planned though or do his own thing if he didn't want to do that?

If yours & your husband's-why shouldn't he turn up to hos own place?

It's not that he turned up it's that he wants her DM to not be around during the day.

I think the poor mother is facing a choice of spending Christmas day alone, or with her family but trying to keep out of their way. I would hate to have to make that choice.

Your DH sounds quite controlling. You yourself describe him as "demanding". He says he doesn't want to come on holiday with you but then turns up part-way through and demands you ditch your DM to do what he wants to do. He has made it crystal clear he doesn't want to spend time with your DM and sees her as an inconvenience, so no wonder she feels "uncomfortable" in your home. Is he as intolerant of his own DP's or are you expected to be more understanding where they're concerned?

All of this.

Of course it was outrageous for the OP's DH to turn up at his OWN holiday home to join his family. Perhaps he was able to get some time off at short notice. If he works away a lot why wouldn't he want to spend it with his wife and son?

The OP said that her mother doesn't like doing things that people normally do on holiday, like relax. Perhaps the DH didn't want to trail around after her. The OP hasn't said what she wanted to do.

Looks like the DH has got the measure of the OP's mother but the OP is deep in the FOG.

Go enjoy a Christmas in your holiday home OP. Suggest your mother goes to a friend or neighbour. She's not your responsibility.

You're not being kind to your mum and your husband sounds like a dick. Not nice.

That is so sad! Your mum was looking forward to a holiday you arranged and then your husband decides he's coming and she has to spend most of the day on her own? The poor thing! I bet she feels so rejected. You'll regret treating her like this when she's dead.

I must have read a different OP to the majority of you.

Third paragraph........

I must have read a different OP to the majority of you.

No you haven't. Her DM was probably extremely hurt. How would you feel going on holiday then getting dumped and told to do stuff on your own? I can't imagine it's nice. She was wrong to take it out on OP but she isn't wrong to be upset and angry about it.

I don't even think she was wrong to take it out on op. The op is just as wrong as the husband for allowing it.

Absolutely madmum.
I know a woman like this, she is vile to her daughter, and treats she son like a king.
But the son does fuck all, whilst the daughter runs round after her.

@Redshoeblueshoe which is nothing like the OPs situation.

I read half way through your op and thought you are being mean until I read how difficult your mother is. She doesn't like the same things as you and the rest and it's not fair to base your holiday around her.
I dont think you're selfish you just want to enjoy your holiday

Well seeing as the DM called her selfish, and told everyone else she was selfish, when the OP has taken her away on holiday every year for the last 10 years then I would say she sounds nasty. Also as the OP has not been back we don't know if the DH or the DM is controlling.

Perhaps your DH and DS could go on holiday without and you could go stay with your DM to keep her company over xmas, then you can catch up on the holiday later.

You really need to sort out your priorities, do you chose your family first or your mother first.

What does your mum want to do on holiday? I'm struggling or I don't have enough imagination to think what you can do during the day which your mum finds acceptable and is agreeable for you and and her grandson / son.
I don't think it was unreasonable for your husband to arrive - a pleasant surprise which has ended up a nightmare.

Does your mother really want to spend Christmas with you. I am near to her age and would be much happier on my own with my feet up in front of the TV and a glass of wine than I would be in the company of someone who resented me being there. I agree that neither your husband or Mum are considering YOUR feelings at all. Your husband sounds rude and bossy. Do what suits you best, don't spend every Christmas feeling tense because you are pulled between them trying to please them both.