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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps referring to his experience with ex.

69 replies

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:31

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, unbelievably happy, and DP is very excited also. He has a DD (8) from a previous relationship who lives with us 3 nights a week.

DP is an amazing Dad and his whole world revolves around his daughter. It's one of the things I love about him and I already know he's going to be a wonderful father to our DC.

Over the past few days, he's been getting excited about the arrival of DC. But he's been showing this to me by constantly referring to the experience he had with his ex. Her c section. How it went. Sending me photos of his daughter after she was just born. Talking about ins and outs and how she wasn't dilating properly, about her induction, about the symptoms she had in the last few weeks. Etc etc. That's scratching the surface. It really is constant.

I don't mind hearing about his ex.His DD likes to talk about her and I actually enjoy the fact that they are amicable, however I'm sick of hearing about his DSDs birth and want to focus on the birth of our baby without having a constant reminder that he's doing it for a second time.

AIBU to feel this way? WIBU to raise this with him? I'm worried IABU and that he is just excited and remembering how amazing it was. I just feel it's a lot of pressure and actually would rather he just focussed on how this birth is going to go and supporting me, as opposed to constantly referring back to his daughter...

OP posts:
Original poster
MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:36

His DDs birth, not DSDs

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 15/10/2018 09:38

Sounds like he's forgetting this is your first time in his excitement

MrsStrowman · 15/10/2018 09:38

I think it's natural to compare his experiences, SIL is pregnant with her second and is always comparing her last pregnancy with this. The farthest of both is my brother, but even if not I'm sure she'd compare just the same. This isn't really about the ex, he's just thinking about when he last went through this and it's clearly excited.

SuchAToDo · 15/10/2018 09:39

Op he will always remember the birth of his daughter and will always think it is amazing (because his daughter was being born)..it is a part of his and his daughter history and it would be wrong to ask him to suppress that

Your baby together is probably just triggering the memories of excitement he had about his daughters birth and he is just sharing his me.ories with you, he probably doesn't realise it's making you feel this way,

Each time he brings it up, say that is interesting dh, but you do realise each labour and birth is different and daughters labour birth may not be the same as new baby's labour and birth (he may not realise that)

AmabelleOnabike · 15/10/2018 09:39

I think you wnbu to say: this is my first time, i would Luke to enjoy it as my first time. Your ex had her first time without being compared to a previous, let me have the same luxury.

Fwiw I think he is being unreasonable and unfair but may need that to be pointed out to him.

Good luck with your baby!

SuchAToDo · 15/10/2018 09:40

*memories...not me.ories

AmabelleOnabike · 15/10/2018 09:40

Like not Luke Blush

YuhBasic · 15/10/2018 09:41

I’d cut him off every time - “Yeah I’m me, not your ex and this baby isn’t DSD”.

Britneysfa · 15/10/2018 09:42

For him its not his ex wife's pregnancy in his head but his daughters birth.

I certainly would want to show you new born pictures, and talk about my first child. The previous Labour (especially one with complications) might have left him with worries about this one. Imagine if you had gone through labour with a previous partner, youd still carry the same anxieties and lessons learned into tour next birth experience.

Its his daughters birth, it would be weird if he didnt

Original poster
MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:43

I just feel like it's a whole heap of pressure. Hearing about how she dealt with pain really well, how it was amazing, really calm etc. What if it doesn't go that way and it's traumatic and hectic? I'm just comparing myself now and feel the need to recreate that amazing experience he had when in reality, it might not go that way.

OP posts:
BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/10/2018 09:43

I think it's sweet he's so excited. Blush

You'll find out in a few months what a massive event this is. And it is, men aren't really that different. It's life changing for.them too.

Aprilislonggone · 15/10/2018 09:43

Just remind him every pregnancy /birth is different. Maybe involve him in your birth plan so you can discuss how you want your birth to be. Remember to be open to suggestions from the mw. Being too rigid can leave you disappointed in the event!!

CountessVonBoobs · 15/10/2018 09:43

Truly, it will be impossible for him not to compare his own previous experience of the birth of his child with this experience. If and when you have a second, you'll do the same - compare the pregnancies, anticipate the details of the birth etc. You can't approach a huge emotional experience like this "cold" if you've already been through it.

What you can do is talk to him and tell him that his constant comparing is bothering you, that you don't expect him not to think it, but can he tone down mentioning it for now and just support you by expressing general excitement and anticipation.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 09:44

'Hearing about how she dealt with pain really well, how it was amazing, really calm etc.'

'Good for her, I'm just concentrating on me though right now. Be great if you'd just do the same'

BestZebbie · 15/10/2018 09:46

It would annoy me too, but I think what other posters have said is true - he is just thinking about it being a birth he had experience of and when his daughter was born, not really about his ex as a person.
HOWEVER you need to make sure that he is very very clear on what your wishes are for how your birth should go and what interventions you are happy with at any given situation - I would be quite worried that in a moment of panic he will just revert to what he agreed with his ex before that labour (as that was the first time he had to think about it) or what she said she liked afterwards (as that is first hand info, forgetting that everyone is different) and forget about your wishes.

Original poster
MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:47

Worried he's going to take it the wrong way or as a personal insult towards his DD. I think I'm being over sensitive, but then I'm 37 weeks pregnant - to be expected?

I guess I just don't want to hear about his ex anymore. The photos of his DD are lovely but I just want to relax and think about our baby. That sounds so awfully selfish doesn't it...

OP posts:
EmperorTomatoRetchup · 15/10/2018 09:49

I'm sick of hearing about his DSDs birth and want to focus on the birth of our baby without having a constant reminder that he's doing it for a second time

Because he is a second time parent. Why should he pretend otherwise. He will have two children whom he will love equally.

This is an incredibly difficult time, but try and get your head round the idea that whilst this baby is your first and only, it isn't his and whilst it won't diminish what he feels for this child, if he's any sort of decent person he won't favour or give greater priority to this new child in the long term.

For those who can't or won’t come to terms with this it never ends well, take a look at these boards and you'll see people on here making snarky comments about how the ex is living the life of riley on their coin and how much of an inconvenience it is when the child from the previous relationship comes round to the house or why is he going to the exes house on Christmas morning for an hour to see his other child.

Please don't become that person.

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 09:49

Stop worrying about it

Friendly and direct

He'd be driving me fookin' mad by now

SlowlyShrinking · 15/10/2018 09:51

I doubt his ex would be particularly pleased about having all the details of her labour constantly discussed. How disrespectful of him to be going on about how much her cervix was dilated at which point. Give her some privacy!

MemoryOfSleep · 15/10/2018 09:51

I think you're probably allowed to be a little less than rational at this point in your life tbh. Tell him to stop it because you don't like it. Nuff said.

Gizlotsmum · 15/10/2018 09:51

Tell him!! Say you love his daughter and don’t mind hearing about her birth but you are worried you won’t be as strong as his ex and are struggling with the comparison. Say you don’t know how you will be in a labour and don’t want to feel like a failure by comparison. He probably doesn’t even realise he is making you feel that way

Original poster
MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:52

@EmperorTomatoRetchup I think you've jumped the gun a little bit with your comment. We are a family and I get on well with his ex. I never have an issue talking about or with her, ever. I have no issue with his daughter who has been in my life for 6 years. I just don't at this moment in time want to hear about how her birth went from start to finish. It's not about denying the fact that it happened.

For those who can't or won’t come to terms with this it never ends well, take a look at these boards and you'll see people on here making snarky comments about how the ex is living the life of riley on their coin and how much of an inconvenience it is when the child from the previous relationship comes round to the house or why is he going to the exes house on Christmas morning for an hour to see his other child.

Where did ^ come from?

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 15/10/2018 09:53

Or urgh I don't want to hear about your exes fanjo thanks!!
I had a dc with dh - his first - and I specifically made sure he had things to' find out 'about ds that I could have told him about. Her dh should hold back a bit and let her have her moment so to speak.
Sure the op doesn't want to think he is sat thinking about ex the rest of the pregnancy /birth.

KittensAndCake · 15/10/2018 09:54

This would wind me right up. Just tell him straight, 'I don't want to hear about your ex's birthing experience thanks'

TatterdemalionAspie · 15/10/2018 10:00

Why not try just explaining to him how you feel?!

If he's doing any of this within earshot of his DD, I wonder whether it's a way of letting her know how excited he was when she was born, how special her birth was, how loved she is, etc - to reassure her at what may be a challenging time of transition for her?

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