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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP keeps referring to his experience with ex.

69 replies

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:31

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, unbelievably happy, and DP is very excited also. He has a DD (8) from a previous relationship who lives with us 3 nights a week.

DP is an amazing Dad and his whole world revolves around his daughter. It's one of the things I love about him and I already know he's going to be a wonderful father to our DC.

Over the past few days, he's been getting excited about the arrival of DC. But he's been showing this to me by constantly referring to the experience he had with his ex. Her c section. How it went. Sending me photos of his daughter after she was just born. Talking about ins and outs and how she wasn't dilating properly, about her induction, about the symptoms she had in the last few weeks. Etc etc. That's scratching the surface. It really is constant.

I don't mind hearing about his ex.His DD likes to talk about her and I actually enjoy the fact that they are amicable, however I'm sick of hearing about his DSDs birth and want to focus on the birth of our baby without having a constant reminder that he's doing it for a second time.

AIBU to feel this way? WIBU to raise this with him? I'm worried IABU and that he is just excited and remembering how amazing it was. I just feel it's a lot of pressure and actually would rather he just focussed on how this birth is going to go and supporting me, as opposed to constantly referring back to his daughter...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 15/10/2018 10:01

Whilst it's sweet that he's excited, I'm afraid I would have done the pregnant snotfest all over him by now. Tell him while you love the newborn photos you dont want to hear repeatedy about a labour that's nothing to do with you can can he stop please. If he gets uppity then tough.

He might be a bit apprehensive and is trying to control his thoughts a bit by clinging on to his experience. Men get a bit scared as well but it's not helpful as no 2 labours are the same.

Tell him to stop.

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 10:02

@TatterdemalionAspie well my AIBU was whether I should raise this with him or not or whether it'll just make me look a fool or like I have an issue, so I will bring it up. Just didn't want to come across as having a problem with his DD as I really don't.

OP posts:

Redken24 · 15/10/2018 10:04

Hallo - it sounds like you are all getting on great but there is no harm in saying although I love hearing about your newborn daughter. Our child's birth will be completely new and Im not wanting to think about anyone else's labour apart from my own.
At the end of my first pregnancy I was very good at saying it when anyone and their aunt would try and tell me horror stories 😇

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 15/10/2018 10:05

@EmperorTomatoRetchup I think you've jumped the gun a little bit with your comment

Quite possibly, apologies. It was the stuff about wanting to to focus on the birth of our baby without having a constant reminder that he's doing it for a second time that sent my alarm bells ringing for me, seemingly wrongly so.

Where did ^ come from?

Possibly me projecting due to a situation in my previously very close extended family, where that occurred and as such caused such a rift.

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:06

Oh just talk to him! You’re perfectly reasonable to feel this way and he’s perfectly reasonable to be doing this, but he doesn’t know to stop unless you ask.

I’d imagine he’s probably a bit nervous and going on about the last time when it went fine to reassure himself, probably trying to reassure you in a roundabout ‘don’t worry I’ve done it before so I won’t freak out I’ll be your rock’ way. I’m sure he means well and will knock it off if you let him know calmly “I appreciate all of the info you’ve given me and I’m glad at least one of us has been through this before and has experience, but I’ve heard enough now and it’s making me feel a bit compared to your ex, worried I won’t birth as ‘well’, and making me sad we’re losing the focus on THIS baby who is about to arrive. Would you please stop talking about your ex’s birth of DD?’ and see what he says. Any reasonable man will realise he’s been sticking his foot in his mouth and calm down.

TheVeryThing · 15/10/2018 10:06

It's all very well remembering how amazing he felt when his did was born and reminiscing about that.
But why is going going on about his ex's experience of the birth? - you're not the same woman and he didn't actually give birth to his dd himself.
His ex's birth and labour experience has no relevance to you and it would really piss me off.
It would also piss me off if my (hypothetical) ex partner was going into the gory details of my birth experience with a new partner.
What goes on in the delivery room stays in the delivery room, unless the woman herself wishes to share it.
Just because you're in late pregnancy it doesn't mean that your feelings are irrational and should be dismissed as 'hormonal' (bloody hate that).
Point out to him how unreasonable he's being and that his ex might not be happy with the level of detail he's sharing and that another woman's experience is not relevant to you.

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 10:07

@EmperorTomatoRetchup sorry to hear about the upset a similar situation caused you. Family dynamics are funny things...

This really isn't an issue with his DD or his ex. I think actually I am being a bit sensitive as I'm terrified of childbirth, worried something will go wrong and feel like he has an expectation of this amazing, calm, lovely birthing experience. I can't promise to give him that. Maybe I shouldn't explained better in my OP.

OP posts:

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:08

I don’t actually think it’s much different to you both planning a holiday to Mexico and him banging on for months beforehand about the time he and his ex went to Mexico, where they stayed, best places to eat etc when you just want to explore it together and not live under the shadow of a previous partner. He can have those thoughts all he liked and discuss them with anyone else he likes but it’s totally understandable why you would be sick of hearing it and a bit rude.

TheVeryThing · 15/10/2018 10:08

Honestly, the fact that he's supported one woman through labour does not make him in any way knowledgeable or qualified.
I don't see how his past experience is in any way helpful to you.

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:10

You’re not being over sensitive.

And it’s a lot of pressure to put on you.

I’d be feeling pissed off if I was about to give birth for the first time, was nervous and scared and my OH kept reminding me of how his ex’s birth went fine, she coped like a champ, etc cos there’s so much bullshit cultural pressure on women to have the ‘right sort of birth’ when ultimately it’s pretty much luck and whether yours goes like a dream or is more challenging isn’t remotely influenced by how his ex’s went!

TheVeryThing · 15/10/2018 10:10

It's nothing like being on holiday, Mexico will be pretty much the same country whoever visits it. I don't think giving birth is in that category!
I don't think the op thinks he's spoiling it for her and is upset that he's had a baby before. that's not the issue.

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:13

I would really encourage you to try and realise how sad it is you’re viewing it as ‘I’m not sure I can give him that’ about a calm birth when it’s YOU that has to actually do it! Your birth isn’t a performance, you don’t owe him anything, all you owe yourself is to get through it as best you can and recognise a lot of it is up to chance (and that you’ll be in a fab position if anything does go wrong, being in a hospital with trained staff).

I’m starting to suspect it’s his going on about his ex that has led you to build this pressure up in your head about giving him the right sort of birth. I’d tell him that. He’ll understand if he’s any sort of decent partner.

TatterdemalionAspie · 15/10/2018 10:14

I just think that discussing your feelings/hopes/worries around the birth with your DP is pretty fundamental stuff, especially at this late stage. He is your partner - in the relationship, in life, and presumably at the birth. You need to be able to be open and honest with him about how you're feeling.

If you don't feel that you can talk openly to him about how you're feeling about the birth, have you got a close friend/your mum/a sister or someone who you can discuss your fears with?

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:14

😂 good point re Mexico. Not meant to be an exact like for like comparison though, just an analogy.

PinkHeart5914 · 15/10/2018 10:14

It’s not his ex partners birth though to him it’s how his dd was born, it’s his dd birth! Once you’ve had a child once it is difficult not to remember the birth of the last when it’s nearly due date for the next.

I don’t see his doing anything wrong but you don’t like it so fair enough, but no need for any drama or anything just talk to him and say you’d rather he didn’t mention his ex.

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 15/10/2018 10:15

@EmperorTomatoRetchup sorry to hear about the upset a similar situation caused you. Family dynamics are funny things...

Nevertheless it wasn't fair of me. To project, I'm sorry.

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 10:15

Exactly @TheVeryThing - I adore his daughter! And actually get on with his ex. I know he's had a baby before and I'm so glad he has because it's enabled me to see what an awesome dad he is! I never even thought about it to be honest in last 6 years until now.

No issue with the fact that he's had a baby before, at all!

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 15/10/2018 10:15

'worried something will go wrong and feel like he has an expectation of this amazing, calm, lovely birthing experience. I can't promise to give him that.'

Hang on Op

This isn't about him you know.

obligations · 15/10/2018 10:15

I'd say talk to him but try not to be too cross, maybe he's a bit freaked out and voicing his reassurance to himself as well as you out loud. I'd just say something along the lines of you've heard a lot of different birth stories and all labours are quite different so you'd love to just focus on being prepared for the birth yourself without comparing it to anyone else's including his ex's so please stop talking about it, if he doesn't mind, thanks.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 15/10/2018 10:16

DP, you've told me about your DDs birth, which was a very exciting time. But I don't particularly want to hear any more about the personal internal workings of your exes private area.

It is different for you as you had a relationship with her, but if I am going to talk about birth experiences it will be about/with people I am close to, rather than someone you have previously had sex with.

We can talk about our child's upcoming birth, but can we look at all the possibilities of how it could go as a unique experience, rather than bringing your ex into our personal experience. I feel pressure to have a good experience, like it was with your dd's birth, which is stressing me out and stress can cause problems with labour. Please can you tone down talking about your ex and focus on what we are doing in the next few weeks.

OP, if my husband had a child before we got together I would probably be ok hearing about it once, but wouldn't want him going on about it, it must not be nice for you. He probably doesn't realise you don't want to hear about it again and again so you will have to find a way to let him know.

PoesyCherish · 15/10/2018 10:16

YADNBU or irrational or hormonal. I'd be so pissed off it DP was doing that to me. I don't want to hear about this ex's fanjo or birthing experience or pregnancy. If I want to know, I'll ask. If I don't ask it's safe to assume I don't want to know.

I think you should just talk to DP and tell him how it makes you feel. If he doesn't at least accept how you feel then he's being an arse.

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:16

Is there a reason you don’t feel like you can just say to him what you’ve said on here when it has come up? To echo PP, discussing your thoughts and feelings and fears is a fundamental part of a relationship, he obviously has no issues with telling you how he feels and what he’s thinking about the birth coming up, is it a pattern where you don’t feel you can be honest in return for fear of being seen as being ridiculous or sensitive?

auntyflonono · 15/10/2018 10:16

Could you try turning the conversation away from c-sections? Maybe try talking about other types of childbirth and your plan and if he come back to it gently point out that you would like to talk about your options now, not what happened to him last time.

flamingofridays · 15/10/2018 10:18

when dp did this, (for the first and last time) I just told him straight I didn't give a shit about what she did, I am a different person, this is a different baby.

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 10:19

@JessieLemon you know what I think I'm just really down at the moment. So much has gone wrong during this pregnancy. I'm high risk. I'm concerned for my baby and don't even know if they are okay. I was nearly induced and had to have steroids as they were predicting bringing baby out early. I'm tired, I'm scared and I think I'm just avoiding having any sort of serious conversation with him because I don't have the energy.

He's a wonderful bloke. I actually think he would feel really bad. He's not got a bad bone in his body.

I think I'm just in a weird place at the moment and feeling quite scared.

OP posts:

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