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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP keeps referring to his experience with ex.

69 replies

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 09:31

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, unbelievably happy, and DP is very excited also. He has a DD (8) from a previous relationship who lives with us 3 nights a week.

DP is an amazing Dad and his whole world revolves around his daughter. It's one of the things I love about him and I already know he's going to be a wonderful father to our DC.

Over the past few days, he's been getting excited about the arrival of DC. But he's been showing this to me by constantly referring to the experience he had with his ex. Her c section. How it went. Sending me photos of his daughter after she was just born. Talking about ins and outs and how she wasn't dilating properly, about her induction, about the symptoms she had in the last few weeks. Etc etc. That's scratching the surface. It really is constant.

I don't mind hearing about his ex.His DD likes to talk about her and I actually enjoy the fact that they are amicable, however I'm sick of hearing about his DSDs birth and want to focus on the birth of our baby without having a constant reminder that he's doing it for a second time.

AIBU to feel this way? WIBU to raise this with him? I'm worried IABU and that he is just excited and remembering how amazing it was. I just feel it's a lot of pressure and actually would rather he just focussed on how this birth is going to go and supporting me, as opposed to constantly referring back to his daughter...

OP posts:

JessieLemon · 15/10/2018 10:24

Oh you poor love in a weird way I’m glad it’s just the way you’re feeling right now and not a symptom of the relationship cos this time will pass and it sounds like you think he’s a fab guy and are really pleased to have a family with him.

Have you had any support throughout all of this? It must be so so scary. I can well imagine it being hard to find the strength to speak up to him about the ex stuff but I reckon the more he unwittingly goes on about it the worse you’ll feel too as you’ll continue to feel more and more stressed and pressured about your own birth.

Could you show him your opening post in this thread or edit it to be aimed at him in a message?

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 10:27

Thanks @JessieLemon - it's not him. He's probably being a bit of a plonker but trust me, he's ace.

I think I just need to talk it out with him. I have all these ideas in my head about childbirth and what it's meant to be like. PPs are right. It's about getting through it as best as I can and if it's awful then so be it. It's not a show for him or anyone else. The way he talks about his exes experience I think is what planted the thought in my head.

Think I just need to give my head a bit of a wobble.

Thanks for being so kind! Lots of nice folk on this here mn :)

OP posts:

Im0gen · 15/10/2018 10:28

I'm just comparing myself now and feel the need to recreate that amazing experience he had when in reality, it might not go that way

It’s really sad that he has made you feel like this.

It is TOTALLY not your job to give him any kind of experience . This is all a safe delivery for YOU and YOUR baby.

YANBU to feel the way you do, and you need to tell him to stop talking about it. Tell him it’s making you stressed and anxious.

It’s nothing to do with his life for his daughter, it’s to do with him centering Him and his feelings and his experience. He sounds very thoughtless and self centred TBH.

BestZebbie · 15/10/2018 10:42

Also, if the ex wasn't dilating properly and then had an induction, and it actually turned into a c-section - I doubt the entire experience was really serenity, gentle mopping of brow with a scented flannel and deep breathing.

ChanklyBore · 15/10/2018 10:58

It isn’t going to stop , OP. He will compare the baby to his experience of his first baby, all the way along, to adulthood. She was doing x by x age, and so on.

It’s what second time parents do. I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable but I do think it’s something that is not going to stop....

Im0gen · 15/10/2018 11:41

Of course he can stop it if he tries, plenty parents do. Those whose first child died or who have a child with SN.

I don’t think the OP expects his never to do it, just not to bang on about it and put her under pressure .

Aprilislonggone · 15/10/2018 11:47

Don't forget then he has dealt with sleepless nights before!! Shame if he missed out this time - make sure you take advantage of his skills and make sure he shares the duties. Tell him tonight whatever it is you are feeling.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/10/2018 11:53

I do think it's normal, this time will have triggered lots of memories for him and he is excited.

But I would talk to him. Nicely (sure you would anyway!) and explain it like you have here - that it's lovely to hear about your step daughters birth but you feel it went so smoothly and her mum coped so well that it's making you feel under pressure to cope just as well and the detail is making you more stressed. That every birth is different so you're going to focus on reading up about different outcomes rather than going over one birth. Then talk to him about various options and what it's going to be like for you and what you think you'd like him to do to help

Good luck

Ringbinger · 15/10/2018 12:12

YANBU. Given you've had a difficult pregnancy and have specific reasons for being concerned how it is going to go, I think it's particularly insensitive of him to bang on about his ex's experiences to the extent he has. Already he has factual evidence the pregnancies are different because of the physical problems you've had, so he's being even more obtuse.

I agree with @Im0gen that he's centering himself here and I do wonder how much attention he's giving to your worries and experiences. Does he talk about his ex a lot in other circumstances?

Original poster

MRSMOE · 15/10/2018 12:22

Thanks all.

@Ringbinger he doesn't talk about her much at all. Obviously when his DD talks about her, and we always make a point of asking 'how is mummy?' etc but nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary or excessive. I don't think this is so much about her, but more the experience he had of his daughter being born.

I'm really glad it wasn't traumatic for either of them and that she had a straightforward pregnancy. I wouldn't wish what I've been through so far on anyone. I think I've got it in my head that I've failed a little. I know. Ridiculous. You can't really fail at pregnancy! Just had a lot to deal with and need to stop putting so much pressure on myself.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 15/10/2018 13:57

Talk to him. He needs to just realise what he's doing and that it's upsetting or unsettling for you. There's nothing wrong with that. Better to speak to him now, in a positive and calm way, than wait until it comes out in a temper during the post natal period when you're sleep deprived, anxious and hormonal.

WellThisIsShit · 15/10/2018 14:28

Oh you poor thing

It’s a really tough time at the moment for you. Can you talk to him, don’t start with his ex, start with you... start by telling him how scared you feel, how weird this time is and how up and down it all is, and then you feel ever more distant from this vision of perfection he seems to be wanting.

Hopefully that will get you back in sync with each other, and him stopping day dreaming about what has been, and start focusing on what will be...

AmabelleOnabike · 15/10/2018 16:33

My cousin had her 5th baby when I was expecting my first. I asked for her advice and experiences and she said every single birth she had was completely different so I could expect my own experience to be unique to me and my baby. Great, realistic advice. In any case OP, when you are giving birth it will be all about you and your baby. Not even your dh will matter!

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/10/2018 16:51

I was the opposite and asked DP about his and his ex birth etc. However that was before I was pregnant etc. But even when pregnant I'd ask if she'd had same experiences and he said he couldn't remember.

I think he was just being nice and wanting me to experience it myself.

funinthesun18 · 15/10/2018 16:56

Because he is a second time parent. Why should he pretend otherwise. He will have two children whom he will love equally.

And the op is a first time parent. She has nothing to reminisce about with him and that’s a fact because she wasn’t there. I can understand the odd comment from him as it’s only natural he will remember when he had his first child, but it must be sooo fucking tedious constantly hearing about his ex’s pregnancy and the birth and the early days after birth. This is her own individual experience and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she should do things a certain way just because they did it such and such a way when his DD was born. She certainly shouldn’t have to have a full break down of his ex’s labour. Why on earth would the OP want to have endless conversations about that?
I can understand if this was the OP’s second child and SHE was going through pregnancy and giving birth a second time, as it would be HER body going through it all again. I compared all of my pregnancies and births, because I did them all. But in all honesty I couldn’t give a fig about my DP’s ex’s pregnancy/labour/early baby days.

When my first was born I am so glad he didn’t ram it down my throat that he and his ex “did it this way” when his DD was born.

Loopytiles · 15/10/2018 17:03

You are not being sensitive. Your H is being very insensitive, to talk with such frequency and detail about his ex’s birth experience (and his as her birthing partner) and to bang on about how positive it was! If he’s not usually so dense and insensitive he will surely cease!

His ex would surely not be amused either!

averythinline · 15/10/2018 17:24

MRSMOE - I really feel for you I to had a high stress high risk preganncu and it was crap....your post where you say you feel weird and down really chimes.... I too found it hard to talk it out with DH as didnt want to put even more of a damper on things, and he hadnt even had a previuos experience... please talk to him about how you feel..... yes its nice he's excited to be a dad again but its not helpful to you.....

you will have the birth that you will have.....if I could give myself a message looking back it would be to focus on getting through it......
you and your baby getting born..not how/what/why

OutPinked · 15/10/2018 17:27

It’s natural to compare. I come at this from the opposite side as I have three DC already whereas this is my DP’s first child. Of course I have compared this pregnancy experience to my others, it’s only natural really. I don’t mention xH all that much though but it’s obviously different for your DP being the man.

I don’t think he’ll realise this would upset or annoy you in any way, it’s quite a human and normal thing to do. Just tell him it’s irking you.

lifecouldbeadream · 15/10/2018 21:01

Tell him, that while you love his Dd dearly and chuffed that he has a fab relationship with her DM, you would really rather not have lots of stories that involve her foof.

It’s crossing a line......

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