Attachment parenting just an excuse for letting kids do whatever?

[Bugsymalonemumof2]

Debate on a local mum page over 3 year olds being expected to sit at a table to eat dinner. One half expect their children to sit and eat and will remove the food if the child is up and down until they sit back down. The other is very much of the view that it doesnr matter if they are up and down as they are only little.

I seem to be seeing more and more examples of attachment parenting becoming an excuse for lazy parenting and it has detracted from the whole idea of it. At my daughter's childminders you can tell the two children who have very vocal attachment parenting mothers as they are the onea who wont sit and listen to stories, wont sit and eat lunch with other kids, have zero routines and zero consideration for any of the kids and not always getting what they want.

Surely you can attachment parent without also letting your child rule the roost and only have their feelings and wants considered.

Maybe I am just a dick with firm bed times (illness and certain circumstances excused) and simple boundaries over meal times.

I think you’ll get a lot of abuse on here but I agree.

YANBU completely agree. It's still clear at school which children rule the roost at home.

I also completely agree. I am very glad I'm not a reception teacher....

To be fair a lot of the attachment parents I know are kind, loving people.

I just personally find their children unbearable.

I should add I actually like attachment parenting, just feel it has gone way too far the other way.

I agree.

I hate the labelling that some people use such as 'attachment'. All sounds a bit corny!!

My child sometimes wanders away from the table. I should take the food away but I don't, usually, not unless we're eating out. I suppose I just don't care as much as some about that particular thing. I'm pretty far from "attachment parenting", though.

I agree.
It's a parenting style that can be done well.
It's also become bastardised as a convenient way of letting kids rule the roost as sounds better than 'I want an easy life so give in'.

I agree, and always have done. I was pro routine for my dds when they were babies and toddlers and I still believe that a form of routine, structure and self-discipline is good for the soul, whatever your age!

I think that many many people who think they are attachment parenting are not.

Don't conflate attachment parenting with permissive parenting, they are not the same thing.

There will always be people who take a movement in name only and then bring shame on it - look at most world religions. But the way you phrase the question is goady as you claim you like attachment parenting but in your post title say it is just an excuse forward crap parenting. If you'd said "being used as an excuse" then that would actually have been a fair point, just as "firm boundaries" (a good thing and actually a major plank of AP) are often used as an excuse by authoritarian parents to bully, browbeat and neglect their children. This isn't a "no true Scotsman" argument - AP is a very clearcut methodology with very straightforward tenets, if people use and abuse the name whilst practising something quite different it is blatant. AP doesn't condone children disrupting and upsetting other children at nursery for example.

So I think YABU because you know and even say as much that you don't believe what you say in your own post title. But yes it is annoying when people parent lazily and then try to say it is attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is a colossal amount of work.

This doesn’t sound like attachment parenting though

That’s not specific to attachment parenting?! I know lots of kids that sound like the unruly ones you’ve mentioned and they are definitely not from AP families.
I would say I follow a lot of AP principles and always getting complimented on the excellent behaviour of my children.

Though I can think of a few ap families I know who only found out about it due to having a higher needs child - maybe needing to be held more, have processing issues etc. These kids would possibly have diagnosis of autism but all 3 are home schooled so the diagnosis isn’t needed for schooling purposes, if you know what I mean!

That's permissive parenting.
And how much time do you spend at the childminders?!

We probably do what people would call attachment parenting (natural term breastfeeding/co sleeping/ baby wearing blah blah) but my children mostly! have manners and can definitely sit still for stories etc.

I think it isn’t attachment parenting that is to blame but no boundary parenting where the little dears are allowed to do whatever they like to the detriment of everyone around them

To be fair maisy the people I know genuinely seem to believe that it’s the best thing for the child.

But when you’re soaking wet because the DC won’t get in the car seat and you’ve been stood there 45 minutes I do think ‘what the hell are you doing, this child is three, put them in the car seat cheerily and drive!’

I agree with tommy pie. Sounds like you are describing permissive parenting, whether the parents realise that this is what they are doing is a separate matter. But striving to form and promote a strong attachment with your child does not exclude boundaries, structure and loving discipline.

Attachment parenting for your friends just sounds like laziness.
I'm what would usually be called an attachment parent but am one of the strictest parents I know on table manners - my 3 non-baby DC all sit at the table, use napkins and cutlery (though the 3 year old has been known to eat off the knife!), wait to start until everyone's seated, ask to be excused at the end and know that getting down means they're done.
I know just as many Supernanny fans as Dr Sears ones who'll let their visiting child refuse a standard meal then give them tons of snacks as the toddler wanders around my living room dropping crumbs and stomping banana into the rug.

Yes,that's not attachment parenting,it's being permissive - not the same.
Attachment parenting doesn't mean no structure or boundaries.

Attachment parenting seems to me to be about following a baby's natural instinct to co-sleep, be carried around much of the time, and breast feed on demand. These things, in my experience, actually make babies calm and easygoing, so that they fit in to family life without taking over. Our kids did not have a routine when they were tiny because they travelled with us (for our work), but they were quiet and very adaptable to lots of different situations- good at fitting in without being intrusive.

I didn't rea it that you are criticising attachment parenting, OP. But there will always be parents who forget to teach their children to take other people into consideration supposedly because of the latest bandwagon they've jumped on.

That isn’t attachment parenting though is it? You can ‘attachment parent’ and still have rules and boundaries.
I thought attachment parenting was about things like co sleeping, natural term breastfeeding and baby wearing? Not about allowing poor table manners?

Attachment Parenting is to encourage a deep bond with your child through positive reinforcement and helping your child understand that there can be give and take in their relationship with their parents (through forms such as demand feeding, co-sleeping etc.) HOWEVER- I do feel that a lot of people say they are Attachment Parenting when in actual fact, they are just letting the child get its own way constantly. I have been described as an Attachment Parent to my 11-Month old twins because I will still comfort them if they cry (even when it’s not a ‘need’ cry) and it irks me - if one twin wakes in the night and starts screaming the house down I will go to them - primarily as I don’t want twin two to wake up and join in the “you’re not getting anymore sleep Mummy” chorus :’)