Attachment parenting just an excuse for letting kids do whatever?

[Bugsymalonemumof2]

Debate on a local mum page over 3 year olds being expected to sit at a table to eat dinner. One half expect their children to sit and eat and will remove the food if the child is up and down until they sit back down. The other is very much of the view that it doesnr matter if they are up and down as they are only little.

I seem to be seeing more and more examples of attachment parenting becoming an excuse for lazy parenting and it has detracted from the whole idea of it. At my daughter's childminders you can tell the two children who have very vocal attachment parenting mothers as they are the onea who wont sit and listen to stories, wont sit and eat lunch with other kids, have zero routines and zero consideration for any of the kids and not always getting what they want.

Surely you can attachment parent without also letting your child rule the roost and only have their feelings and wants considered.

Maybe I am just a dick with firm bed times (illness and certain circumstances excused) and simple boundaries over meal times.

We did attachment parenting and had/have loads of rules, because I can’t stand fannyi g about, such a waste of life.
My kids were taught that if they left the table the meal ended. They didn’t need to be taught to sit and listen to stories as they both really liked them anyway.
The basic tennant of attachment parenting is creating attachment by responding to your child’s needs. Afaik no child “ needs” to run around at mealtimes? That’s just not knowing how to say no.

The children I know whose parents have chosen to attachment parent are not a good advert for it. They are no more happy, secure, well behaved or calm than other children. In fact I'd say the opposite. It thickened my resolve to set some boundaries.

I think you're mistaking attachment parenting for passive parenting

I think it's unfair on the kids if people don't parent properly as other adults will think they are bloody annoying and it's not their fault they haven't been taught to behave. I thought attachment only applied to babies?

I'm never exactly sure what attachment parenting is supposed to mean (beyond 'crunchy') but what you're describing is simply poor parenting

I must have been in a coma because I've never heard of all these parenting styles. I simply parented & still do.

Kids with bad manners, lack of consideration etc, I look at the parents & think 'you're a couple of ginormous assholes'.

Omg, yes! I agree! After spending time with a woman with an almost three year old who NEVER and I mean never leaves her side I started to wonder if it was a form of munchausens...

We would hang out (me and my almost 4 year old) but the conversation was always stifled and my son always ended up playing on his own or with other children because her son literally never left her side. I had never seen anything like it. SEVERE attachment issues. And the mother would not discourage it. It is absolutely not healthy to let your children sit on your lap while you poop because they cry or tantrum, or force you to sit right next to them when they should be playing with other children in a playground.

It hurts to force your kids to be uncomfortable when they're first learning to be independent but it's essential for their well being and for yours! So yeah, I think it's not a good way to parent, it's damaging.

I'm completely lost, I've done a bit of all of those things listed.
My kids had/have boundaries but we aren't strict.

'The children I know whose parents have chosen to attachment parent are not a good advert for it. They are no more happy, secure, well behaved or calm than other children. In fact I'd say the opposite. It thickened my resolve to set some boundaries.'

^^THIS

I was pretty attachmenty - bed sharing, bf for ages, carried the youngest for about 2 years, natural consequences, loathed all that Gina F bollocks with a passion, sahm for over a decade. I am also one of the strictest parents I know. My dcs are exceptionally well behaved, even the teenager. They have always known clearly what the boundaries of acceptable behaviour are because I told them very clearly and repeatedly.

I think you are conflating attachment parenting with being permissive. But I also agree that some people who say they are doing attachment parenting are also confusing attachment parenting with permussiveness and they just let their dcs get away with murder with no consequences. While this might be OK for some dcs who are naturally compliant or easy going, it can be a complete disaster for more "spirited" kids who turn into total pain in the bums. This is not a good outcome for anyone, least of all the kid.

Definitely passive/just crap parenting!

I have four ds and have always attachment parented, in terms of bf on demand/co sleeping/baby wearing.. right back with my first in my mid 20’s - during the Gina Ford heydays when I felt as though I almost had to hide it, as it seemed everyone else thought the opposite was best. But, it just felt natural to me. I just ignored my health visitor and mother who were ramming ‘The Contented Baby’ book down my throat!

However, that has had nothing to do with guiding, raising and setting boundaries for my children! They all have bedtimes, good table manners and are polite considerate people, and I will say so myself!

Lazy parenting is too often incorrectly labelled as attachment parenting and gives it a bad name.

Well I guess I attachment patented when DS was small (breastfeeding, sling, co-sleeper cot etc) and breastfed until he decided he wasn’t interested (mercifully at 16 months) still go to him if he wakes in the night and on a bad night he still co-sleeps but since he started full time nursery at 10 months the AP type groups would probably slaughter me! We use positive and largely gentle parenting techniques (the ‘how to talk so young children will listen’ book is great) but that doesn’t mean we don’t have boundaries. We shout and use ‘no’ and ‘stop’ rarely but when we do it startles him so much that it seems to work. What the OP is describing is just rubbish parenting - not associated with any one official ‘style’.

unlimited Yes I get really fed up with parents who say that a child of a certain age can not do something, when plenty of other children of that age do. Maybe your child can not, they may not have reached that developmental stage, but do not say that children of that age can not do it.

I agree and I dislike gentle parenting.
I have 3 under 3 and we have routines, rules, boundaries and a really happy home life. They're polite and well behaved children but they wouldn't be if I let them do what they wanted and push boundaries.

I think you are whinging about something that you actually don't understand.

I baby wear, we don't co sleep but out daughter mover out of our room at 3 and our son at 18 months is also in our room and BF on demand until my daughter was about 12 months and around the same for my son (son is still BF but more of a routine now).

What you are probably seeing is children who have different personalities, not children who are entirely shaped by parenting methods.

Plenty of 'strict' parents out there with shitty kids..... maybe even yours but you don't see it...…. Attachment parenting tends to make kids more sensitive to the needs of others while also being confident to do their own thing knowing exactly where their safe home base is should they need it, nothing to do with letting kids walk all over you.

I'd class myself as an attachment parent and believe me, my DDs have always had boundaries! Yes to bedtimes, yes to routines, yes to eating as a family.

But also yes to going to them in the night if they cried, feeding on demand when they were babies and babywearing. My two are 15 and 17 now, but they know that if something really, really upsets them at night they can still come to me. It happens maybe once a year and it's always something that needs attention.

It's about meeting their needs, and stability and boundaries are among those needs. Letting children have everything they want isn't attachment parenting - it's lazy and damaging.

See, this is where i get really confused. I can totally relate to this pp, yet I'd never ever consider myself an attachment parent. I did boundaries, bedtimes, routines, eating at the table - and yet my kids, two young adults and two primary aged, know they could come to me at any time of day or night and I'd be there.
Maybe I just don't really understand what attachment parenting really is? I lived in Brighton when my youngest two were babies/toddlers and absolutely everyone described themselves as an 'attachment parent' - in all honesty, that really just meant that the kids did what they liked with no boundaries whatsoever. So, to me, that's probably the issue - too many parents hiding behind the label of "attachment parenting" to absolve them of doing any active parenting at all.

Like so many others, I wouldn't call this attachment parenting. For me it is about meeting their needs, building a secure attachment and a connection with your child. Boundaries and guidelines are definitely a part of this, just gently implemented.

I'm not an attachment parent but I don't think having children who won't sit for meals or listen to stories has anything to do with it, honestly. I don't know how old your children are either but all the APs I know really resist sending their children to nurseries or childminders as well.

I don't think it really matters if a 3 year old sits quietly through a meal. Is that supposed to be some mark of achievement or something? Do children who can't sit at 3 become serial killers? I genuinely can't figure out why this particular issue is so significant in terms of parenting.

I’ll lend you one of my D.C. age 3 and see how far your rules about mealtimes and firm stance on bedtimes get you.

(Clue : not far.)

She had and continues to have SN and food intolerances.

She’s one of 6 and she’s the only one I had who was as challenging and the rules had to relax. But she looks normal so you would never know that she had an illness (or a “certain circumstance” if that’s your way of saying SN).

It’s nit always just that simple.

I mean I’ll lend you her when she was 3.

She’s now a pleasant, charming adult. Who still doesn’t sleep much and who manages her own meal times.

Having a secure attachment has nothing to do with permissive parenting. Confusing the two is not helpful for anyone.

But surely if the children you are basing your theory on were the product of parents who believe in attachment they wouldn’t be without their primary career at a childminder?

Having a secure attachment doesn't exclude other people from looking after children, attachment theory considered it to be a feature of it. This may be misunderstood because sometimes being with those other than the primary caregiver can be distressing to the child and so parents wouldn't just pass off a crying baby to a stranger for their own sake rather than helping the child settle with the right person. Meeting the child's needs with consistent care and safe healthy relationships from a range of people is part of having a secure attachment. It would affect the choice of care, such as choosing a childminder over a busy nursery, having more one to one attention and an environment that best suited the particular child's needs (e.g. home environment vs nursery), ensuring individual emotional and physical needs were met, positive discipline rather than punishment and rewards etc. Attachment parenting doesn't mean keeping the child glued to the parent at all cost. Indeed those overly close and those who misidentify the child's needs are as far away from attachment parents as those who neglect the child.

I do a lot of attachment parenty things (cosleep, bf with 2.5 year old, reasonably relaxed about bedtimes)
But I actively picked a nursery over a CMs because I thought it would suit his personality better.

I don't recognise the 'feel sorry for reception teachers comment' ime attachment parenting goes hand in hand with trusting DC to do things by themselves...I was a bit apprehensive when DSs nursery said they only use real crockery and glasses in the pre school room but I've started doing it at home too and its absolutly fine.

I might be wrong but I was always under the illusion that with attachment parenting came attachment, which in turn came watching your children and paying attention to what they were doing and having a close bond? Wouldn't this develop a stricter parenting style? I don't know, maybe I'm missing the point of the post entirely 😂