Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

am i being fair?

60 replies

rbmilliner · 14/10/2018 04:38

Tell me am I being unfair?
I have a feeling I kind of am but just can't seem to get over it.
It was my birthday during the week for which my DH was 'too busy' and couldn't find the time to get me a card or present for. It wasn't a big birthday and I know from old that present giving isn't his strong point (chocolates have been the present of choice - his not mine - for the last 3 gift giving occassions) but I'd have thought he could have some sort of token effort however busy.
When I told him how hurt his round about explaination for it was that he'd had to look after our DD because I was at work. After that I advised him that it was probably best he stopped talking. It resulted in us not really talking and in him spending £50 (that we really don't have) on a cake, yes a £50 cake that he presented to me unceromoniously as was feeding dd tea. When I failed to see how a cake was any different from a box of chocolates even if it does have your name on it he said sarcastically that he was sorry for showing such a lack of imagination. Resisting the urge to insert the cake up his backside I simply put DD to bed and went back to work (self employed) - perfect birthday not.
He did turn up with flowers the next day and lot's of promises of how he was going to make it up to me so I thought it was probably best to try and move on from it as not very good for DD but actually still felt resentful inside. But when we went to a party around friends house and sang happy birthday when the cake and candles had come out my DD (16 months) got really excited and I felt really angry with my husband that he'd also cheated her of this as well as me. It didn't help that the said friends lovely wife had also gone to the effort of getting me a cake as well which almost made me cry because it was so thoughtful.

So when I joked last night about how he was going to make it up to me he said in an irritated manner 'well I suppose I'll have to keep buying you stuff every day'. This seriously wasn't what I meant and made me feel like some sort of materialistic cow.
We're currently at the stage where we're not talking again.
He's said he's sorry and I do want to move on but I just feel really hurt and if I'm honest I want him to hurt too which I'm not sure is healthy but just can't get over the anger of it all and it's 4 o'clock in the morning and still cross so don't know if this might be a vent for other stresses we're both going through?
Please can someone put some perspective on this as your husband forgetting / not bothering with your birthday is a bit of a first world problem in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2018 05:08

This isn't just about your birthday. You're feeling unappreciated and neglected, all of which has been made worse by his pitiful attempts to make it up to you. Never mind his passive-aggressive, gaslighting digs with the intent to make you feel that YOU are the one being ridiculous and petty.

I don't think you're ridiculous or petty, and I would be every bit as hurt as you are. You weren't asking for the moon and stars. All you wanted was acknowledgment and to feel special. That's not too much to ask from your spouse.

AjasLipstick · 14/10/2018 05:09

You do seem quite difficult to please.

He should have made an effort but when he DID make an effort, by getting you a personalised cake, you say "which we can't really afford"

So why then did he buy you flowers the next day? Either you've got spare cash for gifts or you don't!

Why don't you suggest a shop for him to visit for your next birthday. I did this with DH who had no idea about what to get me AND a small budget.

I said "Go to Accessorise and look around till you see a pair of earrings or a nice bracelet that I might like"

And that's what he did. He actually bought me about 5 things and I was really pleased. He knew where he was in there because he knows I like their stuff.

Moaning about it again...(joking about it) was silly in my opinion, He'd tried his best.

Weenurse · 14/10/2018 05:13

I usually circle a few things in a catalog and place it under his nose. After 28 years of marriage, and 30 years together, he still has no idea. At least this way I get something I want and he doesn’t have to think too hard

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2018 05:19

You do seem quite difficult to please.

No you don't.

I suggest sitting him down and saying that you want to move on from this, as stewing and not speaking isn't good for any of you.

His current behaviour makes you feel unloved/unappreciated/unliked (the latter being the clincher for me).

In future, could he possibly make a small effort to X, Y, Z - it's important to me, I think DD would enjoy it, too. I don't need A, B, C - just a bit of thought and kindness from you would go such a long way. Could you at least think about it?

And then put this behind you.

Jakethekid · 14/10/2018 05:51

My partner rarely ever buys me a present or even a card. This year he couldn't even be bothered to say happy birthday. He thinks that because (suposedly) he's not big into birthdays for himself that no one else would be. I have decided from now on going forwards I'll just not bother buying him anything.

I will still buy from my son (he's 2) because I'm not an utter bitch.

rainbowstardrops · 14/10/2018 06:47

I'd be upset too. It's the utter lack of appreciation.
I don't agree with having to point someone in the right direction to a shop either - they're grown adults!!!! They don't even have to leave the settee with all the on-line shopping available!
It's lazy, thoughtless and inconsiderate.
Here, have some virtual presents OP 🎁💐🍰🍫🛍🍹

TheStoic · 14/10/2018 07:02

You do seem quite difficult to please.

No, you really don’t.

You’re still resentful because it sounds like he still hasn’t actually ‘heard’ you.

Do you know how you would’ve liked the day to be acknowledged? Really think about that, and then explain it to him.

Henrysmycat · 14/10/2018 07:18

You are not unreasonable and you have every fucking right to be resentful. And it’s not about the present. First, he looked after the child so you could work? Like is he the parent of this child or not? Wtaf?
And again, rushing to buy a cake with no thought is neither here or there.
I don’t get presents, I don’t care as I buy what i want when I want it, but when my birthday comes and I get homemade cards made with DD and coffee in bed before being showered with love and consideration then I’ve had the best of birthdays, the rest are just frilly unwanted bits.

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2018 07:21

You're not being unreaosnable. He doesn't seem to appreciate you and he absolutely shouldn't have forgotten your birthday. He sounds like an arse. Is he always this dismissive of your feelings?

Ceebs85 · 14/10/2018 07:24

YANBU and you are perfectly within your rights to be upset. I would be too. This isn't about the gift/no gift. If he'd just got you a card, ran you a bath and poured you a glass of wine that would have shown more thought.

This sounds to be about feeling unloved and unappreciated generally and he's not getting this. He won't get it though if you don't spell it out to him. Don't internalise it, it'll only lead to resentment. If when you've explained he doesn't get it or doesn't want to understand you've got bigger problems.

Hope he steps up xx

SelinaMyers · 14/10/2018 07:34

I think the issue with the cake is it came across insincere and was a ridiculous price to pay for a cake you were just going to eat at home.

DragonGoby · 14/10/2018 07:44

Is he loving to you in other ways, OP? Does he support you and help you generally? I think some people me do have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to present giving!

Flowerpot2005 · 14/10/2018 07:44

I'd be upset too.

From what you say, rather than a full & frank conversation about, you've made comments & digs. He's interjected with some offerings & an apology...but you aren't believing him. I do get why.

Think through properly why you're so upset & then sit him down & explain. He's a man so you might have to keep to it to words of one syllable lol. As someone else said, & I agree, this isn't fully about the birthday.

Gizlotsmum · 14/10/2018 07:49

I give my husband several options of things I would like (this year I went further and sent him a link to the booking page for Hamilton the day the released the next batch of tickets 😏) but it means I have the birthday present I want ( I don’t know where our seats are so still have a surprise). Over the years a list for Christmas and Birthday has taken the pressure off both of us...

IamPickleRick · 14/10/2018 07:51

DH is terrible for this but has got better.

His sisters helped him before we lived together but now I have amazon wishlists that I send to him with a huge range of stuff on there from £1-£30 so he can pick his budget or whatever. I also say “I want to see this film for my birthday” so that he knows what we are doing that evening. And his family are very good at organising cake so that has never been an issue.

I think you need to preempt him. I hate saying that as you’d absolutely want him to do it himself and it’s not your responsibility, but maybe after some positive results next year he will get the message and take the lead.

Yanbu x

Gizlotsmum · 14/10/2018 07:51

However he does make an effort all year and is just very disorganised. I think your issue is you don’t feel appreciated but you are communicating to him that it is about a present not actually about how you are feeling.

Maybe try that approach.. that when you saw your friends approach it made you feel.....

Jimdandy · 14/10/2018 07:54

With Moonpig and online ordering there’s really no excuse. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone treating me so poorly.

SandyY2K · 14/10/2018 07:57

He apologised. He bought you flowers...I think it's time to let it go.

In the future as it's near your birthday, send him a list of gift ideas. That's what works for me, although H does also get some gifts without my input... like tickets for a show he knows I like.

No need for you to fall out over it. I agree 50 quid was a waste of money on the cake... for the 3 of you.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 14/10/2018 07:59

I do understand why pp are suggesting hints and lists, but really I hate all that crap.

IMO your partner, even if they are "rubbish at gifts" should be able to sit down and THINK about what you'd like. I'd rather get something that I know my DH has really thought about, even if it misses the mark, than something I've told him to get.

OP YANBU at all, I have friends in the same boat and it annoys my hugely on their behalf. It's not just about forgetting, it's then following that up with "1 x generic wife present".

bluetrampolines · 14/10/2018 08:02

My stbxh used to do this. Women's Aid told me it was a way of keeping me down. Keeping me in my place.

My stbxh was very good at making sure he had treats and sleep.

If have a look at the overall picture. The £50 cake stinks. I feel angry for you.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 14/10/2018 08:04

possibly projecting a bit there as my best friends DH is like this.

But why are so many men "bad at presents" but most women aren't? I strongly suspect it's just most women care enough to take the time to really think about what someone would enjoy receiving, whereas a lot of men seemingly can't be arsed!

IamPickleRick · 14/10/2018 08:05

I do completely understand that and also agree. But my DH was horrific at gifts. And I’d get upset, which would stun him in to inaction the next year because he’d be so scared of getting it wrong that it wouldn’t do anything (which is even worse than a poor taste card and a mug from Poundland) So after 4 years of crying every birthday, I took control of it, and now he knows the drill and we are all happy. I don’t want ownership of my birthday for the rest of my life, but he’s got a feel for it now. And yes there are totally issues here with communication and not being appreciated but he can learn from this and so can OP.

Oddcat · 14/10/2018 08:17

I would feel the same as you Op , you are not being difficult at all !

I think it’s about time we stopped making excuses for men that ‘aren’t good at presents’ . Ffs they know when your birthday is , it’s not as if it’s a bloody surprise, same day every year . They know what sort of things you like and if they’re not sure they can ask for Christ’s sake .

‘Not being good at presents’ is a fucking poor excuse for being lazy and uncaring .

WickedGirl · 14/10/2018 08:18

It’s lack of thought and effort isn’t it?

It really hurts .....I totally get where you’re coming from

My ex used to do the same.....grab a card and maybe a bunch of flowers at the end of my birthday day from the local petrol station and then tell me I was ungrateful.

Flatasapancakenow · 14/10/2018 08:20

I think he could have made an effort on the day itself without prompting. As PP said a tea/coffee in bed and a card would have been good, and even a cheap £6 supermarket cake in the evening for your DD to enjoy blowing the candles out on. I do see where you are coming from and his attitude hasn't been great, but I think you both need to draw a line under this and move forward.

Saying that the first Christmas my DH and I were together I got a ginornous bundle of tat off him. It has obviously cost him a fair amount and he had put effort in, but I'm not that sentimental or into bath stuff. Now we either both chip in for a weekend away in a nice hotel or i tell him exactly what I want....this coat.... this breadmaker... dinner in This restaurant. His heart is in the right place, he s just a bit clueless and I don't want to see anymore money wasted on crap. Next year and for Christmas I would spell out to him exactly what you want.

Flip

1 2 3