am i being fair?

[rbmilliner]

Tell me am I being unfair?
I have a feeling I kind of am but just can't seem to get over it.
It was my birthday during the week for which my DH was 'too busy' and couldn't find the time to get me a card or present for. It wasn't a big birthday and I know from old that present giving isn't his strong point (chocolates have been the present of choice - his not mine - for the last 3 gift giving occassions) but I'd have thought he could have some sort of token effort however busy.
When I told him how hurt his round about explaination for it was that he'd had to look after our DD because I was at work. After that I advised him that it was probably best he stopped talking. It resulted in us not really talking and in him spending £50 (that we really don't have) on a cake, yes a £50 cake that he presented to me unceromoniously as was feeding dd tea. When I failed to see how a cake was any different from a box of chocolates even if it does have your name on it he said sarcastically that he was sorry for showing such a lack of imagination. Resisting the urge to insert the cake up his backside I simply put DD to bed and went back to work (self employed) - perfect birthday not.
He did turn up with flowers the next day and lot's of promises of how he was going to make it up to me so I thought it was probably best to try and move on from it as not very good for DD but actually still felt resentful inside. But when we went to a party around friends house and sang happy birthday when the cake and candles had come out my DD (16 months) got really excited and I felt really angry with my husband that he'd also cheated her of this as well as me. It didn't help that the said friends lovely wife had also gone to the effort of getting me a cake as well which almost made me cry because it was so thoughtful.

So when I joked last night about how he was going to make it up to me he said in an irritated manner 'well I suppose I'll have to keep buying you stuff every day'. This seriously wasn't what I meant and made me feel like some sort of materialistic cow.
We're currently at the stage where we're not talking again.
He's said he's sorry and I do want to move on but I just feel really hurt and if I'm honest I want him to hurt too which I'm not sure is healthy but just can't get over the anger of it all and it's 4 o'clock in the morning and still cross so don't know if this might be a vent for other stresses we're both going through?
Please can someone put some perspective on this as your husband forgetting / not bothering with your birthday is a bit of a first world problem in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

You had a very specific idea in mind (a cake to blow out the candles on) and he wasn't a mind reader. My DH isn't either and over the years we have learnt to lower the surprise level and up the 'specify what I actually want' level. Remember to update you DH with whatever you require next year, because otherwise he will just repeat whatever you requested last year.

My husband's the same too. We had awful rows over it in the past when he forgot. I realised it wasn't nice for the children. I tried telling him exactly what I wanted. But that didn't work as he went to the shop, looked at it and thought it wasn't a good choice! So ended up buying me a strange looking top (with a diagonal hem that actually touched one knee) that was two sizes too big! When he saw how unimpressed i was, he shouted, "you're so difficult to buy for!" before storming off. The last two years I now buy myself something nice from our shared account. I buy the cake otherwise it never happens! He gets the card and sometimes flowers.

Is he good in other ways? My partner is so rubbish at buying presents they usually make me want to cry. She once bought me a fruit tea subscription - and I hate fruit tea so every month for a year there would arrive through the post a little reminder of how little notice she takes... However I've met her parents and they are also terrible gift givers and her birthdays were always a damp squib growing up. Like other posters, I just tell her what I want and how I'd like to spend the day - she fully admits she could never have organised it herself!

She is the most calm, caring and intelligent person I know but will never be good at celebrations and grand gestures. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Hope his strengths outweigh this weakness...

@IamPickleRick I guess in that case it's part of a phased DH training programme

I think the difference is that the not great gifts I've got don't upset me - if they were meant with good intentions. So I was pretty wtf about receiving a GoT box set, but it was because DH thought if I watched it at my own pace I'd like it (I do like other sci-fi a lot) and then watching the other series could be something we enjoy together. Which was a lovely sentiment, if not one that worked, and I was happy he'd thought it through so much - even though he got it wrong.

Not sure that's too coherent as an example but hopefully it makes sense!

If I got upset by it then I could see some training via lists and hints might help, but not as a forever plan like some pp seem to be indicating...

Ergh. You're enjoying being unreasonable IP, the issue is he's not listening and is doubling down on it.

Last year - we'd just (that day) moved into our new house. We had married two weeks beforehand. My DH, figured he didn't need to do anything for my birthday. I was upset. I ordered a cake from a local takeaway. He dashed out and bought a card, and wrote a cute note in it. I explained to him that while he may be ambivalent towarsa birthdays I love them. Especially as having a birthday in the summer holidays meant I rarely got a party as a kid. I explained I didn't expect much, I just wanted it marked and I loved getting just a simple cars with a soppy message.

This year we had wanted to go out, but I was son modified bestest due to pregnancy complications. But my DH had listened to me and my love of birthdays. He bought a card - and wrote a soppy message in it. Poured me a bubble bath. And bought me a cute, inexpensive pair of silver earrings he'd seen that he knew I would like (little dragon flies).

It did not break the bank. It was not ostentatious. It did not require tons of planning. Just a bit of thought.

You're upset because you've told your DH this and he has ignored you. He is now trying to make you feel bad instead of looking at what he can do to fix this.

@EnterFunnyNameHere

Agree. The thought does count! This is what I've always assumed the saying meant. You don't:t have to get it perfect, as long as love and a bit of mental effort has been used.

Thanks everyone, I'm pleased that the general feeling is that I'm not being unreasonable and reading through the responses has helped me see it for what it is.
I think what annoyed me most was that all this could have been avoided by just simply getting a card, I'm really not about presents (although they are nice, can't lie) so I don't really think 'i'm difficult to please' and for the record we don't have spare cash to spend on flowers either which only made the situation worse AjasLipstick.
That aside yes he is a very loving and supportive husband to both my DD and I which I think in hind sight made it feel worse. So when you look at it from that point of view it doesn't feel so bad, I just have to accept he made a mistake and is just not good at birthdays (and we all have things we're not good at). I think the suggestions about magazines circled will have to be the way forward and I really don't think he'll ever forget a card (or buy a cake or box of chocolates for that matter :)
Question is have I made him suffer enough for now ;))
Thanks for listening all.

Me and dp are great at buying presents for other people but not for each other

I think it is because both of us are a bit 'see it, like it, if can afford it, buy it'. So when it comes to Christmas, birthdays etc there isn't stuff either if us really want. If it is something I couldn't really afford, I would be really cross dp had got it anyway, even if he saved, as that is money we could have saved for holidays etc.

Now we just don't do gifts or cards and just book a holiday each year (although last year I booked a holiday when really pissed - it was a bloody good deal- so presented it to him on Christmas day haha)

But YANBU op if you don't have this sort of set up in place

OP, I can relate - DP was really bad at this in our early days. As hurtful as it can feel, some people just aren't good at present buying and need help with it. I've found Pinterest really helpful here. You can share ideas on there throughout the year. You just need to make sure the images link to the exact present you'd like and also remind him about it here and there. Also, don't assume he understands subtleties like inference - you probably need to be quite specific in your language on this issue.

Right straight here is what we do.

Never celebrated Valentine's day we both find it tacky plus our anniversary of getting together is March so made a small gesture for a few years.

Then that stopped after we got married because we had an actual wedding anniversary to celebrate. Then on.our 4th wedding anniversary we were in Ireland and forgot had the best day ever decided there and then never to buy cards or gifts and do something fun. Swim in the sea. Climb a tree.

We don't do birthday cards because they are tacky. Sometimes we make them sometimes not.

We never buy each other wife hubby cards for father's and mothers day as I think that's fucking creepy.

We do not do Christmas cards and when we do Christmas gifts it's from our girls as we put the effort in don't need to be over the top.

He does not buy me flowers. Thank God remind me.of fucking funerals.

People comment that we are weird and not romantic however our marriage is strong because we understand that it's all commercial bullshit.

Of course you want your husband to make an effort. But he did. He got you a cake what did you want diamonds because you aalready stated you were skint. I think your really pissed off about something you may not even realise but I'll tell you know you will have a miserable life and marriage if you head fuck like this. He may have made no effort but then you really fro..What I hear took the piss banging on about it.

Congratulations user1484424013, glad it works for you and your strong marriage. To me sounds bloody boring. Don't see the harm in wanting to be treated with a bit of respect over something that's important to you be it by your spouse or a fellow mumsnet user so if you don't mind I'll ignore the pop psychology and think I'll continue 'banging on' in my not so miserable 19 year marriage complete with it's up and downs - this being one of them - whilst I live my not so miserable life.

I had to spell it out to DH that I'm not much into things, but I like spending time with him and doing things together, so I'm quite happy without a physical present if we go and do something fun for my birthday instead. At first he thought it was a trick and I still wanted gifts as well (bad advice from clueless male friend), but now a number of years on, he knows I mean it and we've done some lovely things at all didn't budgets. From low key romantic dinners, hiking with a lovely picnic, bands I loved when we were younger that are now a bit past it but great fun to see, theatre, fine dining, and next year he's promised to take me away for a weekend including Alton towers, yes I'll be 35 but I do love a rollercoaster and we were going to go with friends this summer then couldn't because I was pregnant and wouldn't have been allowed to go on anything good. His ex was very into material things so it took a really clear message for him to get what works for me. If you spell it out and he still doesn't bother, he doesn't value you.

We can't afford gifts

My DP gets me a card

I often make him a cake and get a card

The value of my relationship is not based on material gifts.

Your cake was personalised and maybe if you'd not been so agro you could of enjoyed doing the candles with Dc

I remind my DH that he has to buy a card, cake plus gift for my birthday and a card for mother's day, as well as a gift for Christmas. Usually I start warning him two weeks ahead of time and he dashes out at the last minute. He used to grumble that it was daft, but hasn't complained at all in a year or two and he gave me the cutest card "signed" by the baby as well as his own, so he does get it very right sometimes. He's also got excited that he gets cards, cake and presents too. His present choosing needs work, he puts a lot of thought into it and they're at least always practical things that I can use, but it's lucky that the chopping board was only one of many small Christmas gifts! He's getting better though because he understands that it matters. I think it just takes time and lots of reminders for it to become habit; appreciate you might prefer for him to remember, but sometimes it's better to help a partner get it right than leave them to fail.

It's not about affording something it's about thought.

I'm not materialistic in the slightest. I don't want grand gestures or diamonds. What I want is something he saw and thought "ahh nokids would love that". That's all. It doesn't matter what the monetary value was, as long as he hadn't needed to be prompted by me.

et it - ts about having the curtesy to sort a card for the dday and if its just chocolates thats fine but it has to be ON THE FUCKING DAY. tea and toast in bed is nice so long as its done with a pleasant face and no moaning. Its taking a short time out of the day to think of someone other than themselves. My Hubby did this and he was left in no doubt if he did it again he wouldn't ever have to do it again. I tired Amazon lists and he just gets me everything - he doesn't understand he needs to choose and be reasonable I hate waste and overspending - am tight if anything so a decent mug, a card and a few chocs is fine.

Bloody hell some joyless folk on here.

I'd have been pissed off at lack of effort too Op.

Guess I'm also 'hard to please'

I must be easy pleased then. I couldn't care less if anyone even mentioned my birthday.

I know how you feel OP it was my birthday not so long back and my DH completely forgot .

I wasn't bothered about presents but was really annoyed he'd not got me a card from the kids. Luckily his sister dropped by later in the day and the kids were making cards for me bless them (which were much lovlier than a shop bought one but did not excuse him for bieng so thoughtless). She went straight out and got a card from the kids, cake and bottle of wine then phoned him and told him .

I was pretty snappy with him for a few days but suppose in the grand scheme of things it's one day out of the many years we've been together. Hopefully he'll not make that mistake again.

You have every right to be angry but if he's a good husband usually, he's apologised and tried (albeit not very successfully) to make it up maybe let it slide this time.

Think your right Brightblues. Have made up as figured probably not good for anyone and had a lovely day yesterday and making a bit of time for each other albeit with DC in toe which I think is probably what I wanted in the first place without realizing as life; work, caring responsibilites etc seemed to get in the way for both of us. I still think he'll be just as bad next time bless him - think it's in built:)))) but your right he is a good husband otherwise so if that's the worst of it DD and I are lucky to have him

Ouch. I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through User. But to be fair, the OP wasn't to know this and your post to her was quite critical. She just responded like with like. We're all different and respond differently to gestures or apparent lack of thought. I'm sure that neither you nor she meant each other any ill will. I hope things start looking up for you.

@AjasLipstick i can't afford a £50 cake, that doesn't mean I don't have £50 that I could technically spend on cake, it means it's a waste and should be spent on something more useful.

She also didn't want an afterthought cake... she wanted a card and some appreciation, whether it was a silly something cheap he thought she'd find funny or something with thought and love in it.

It's hard to fix it when the upset has happened, a good conversation and genuine apology would've worked much better than random gifts where he's trying to buy forgiveness.

People say women are hard to work out but we're really not...

Seriously user1484424013 I genuinely am sorry for your problems, you must be going through a horrible time right now and I'm sorry you feel aggrieved by my reply but I'm not going to apologies for defending myself after your initial post. I, like you, have no idea of other users back stories, what they have been or are going through and have every right to respond. I'm not going to respond to name calling and don't want to cause you anymore upset by trading insults so I wish you and your whole family the best of possible outcomes.

I find the whole expectation issue more damaging than the thoughtlessness. to be honest.