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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being fair?

60 replies

rbmilliner · 14/10/2018 04:38

Tell me am I being unfair?
I have a feeling I kind of am but just can't seem to get over it.
It was my birthday during the week for which my DH was 'too busy' and couldn't find the time to get me a card or present for. It wasn't a big birthday and I know from old that present giving isn't his strong point (chocolates have been the present of choice - his not mine - for the last 3 gift giving occassions) but I'd have thought he could have some sort of token effort however busy.
When I told him how hurt his round about explaination for it was that he'd had to look after our DD because I was at work. After that I advised him that it was probably best he stopped talking. It resulted in us not really talking and in him spending £50 (that we really don't have) on a cake, yes a £50 cake that he presented to me unceromoniously as was feeding dd tea. When I failed to see how a cake was any different from a box of chocolates even if it does have your name on it he said sarcastically that he was sorry for showing such a lack of imagination. Resisting the urge to insert the cake up his backside I simply put DD to bed and went back to work (self employed) - perfect birthday not.
He did turn up with flowers the next day and lot's of promises of how he was going to make it up to me so I thought it was probably best to try and move on from it as not very good for DD but actually still felt resentful inside. But when we went to a party around friends house and sang happy birthday when the cake and candles had come out my DD (16 months) got really excited and I felt really angry with my husband that he'd also cheated her of this as well as me. It didn't help that the said friends lovely wife had also gone to the effort of getting me a cake as well which almost made me cry because it was so thoughtful.

So when I joked last night about how he was going to make it up to me he said in an irritated manner 'well I suppose I'll have to keep buying you stuff every day'. This seriously wasn't what I meant and made me feel like some sort of materialistic cow.
We're currently at the stage where we're not talking again.
He's said he's sorry and I do want to move on but I just feel really hurt and if I'm honest I want him to hurt too which I'm not sure is healthy but just can't get over the anger of it all and it's 4 o'clock in the morning and still cross so don't know if this might be a vent for other stresses we're both going through?
Please can someone put some perspective on this as your husband forgetting / not bothering with your birthday is a bit of a first world problem in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

OP posts:

KC225 · 15/10/2018 21:30

Ignore the difficult to please - you are NOT. I would be hurt. Its the lack of thought, effort and wanting to do something nice. A birthday, like Christmas is the same time very year - you don't have to buy something that week, three days before hand. Its NOT about the money. The cake proved that - 50 quid could gave bought you a lovely gift and flowers are just another generic 'here you go-'

He is being an are. Sorry you had a miserable birthday OP

Brightblues · 15/10/2018 21:48

Glad you have decided to put it behind you OP . Maybe drop into conversation next year that it's your birthday the week after just to kick him into gear. Like you said with a bit of perspective he's a lovely hubby the rest of the year so just enjoy that and give him a gentle nudge next year.

user1484424013 I wish you and your family all the best I cannot imagine the heartache you must be enduring

Original poster

rbmilliner · 15/10/2018 22:52

Thanks Brightblues will do

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2018 23:05

I find the whole expectation issue more damaging than the thoughtlessness. to be honest.

Yes, I can see that if you have zero expectations of your partner, that you might think that. Easier just to expect nothing.

People replying to this thread, and perhaps the OP in a past life, for example, will be used to more thoughtfulness from their partner. Because it's what you do when you care about (like!) someone.

They will have some expectation of some thought/care/consideration/small gesture - purely because their basic standard isn't so low.

I don't expect DH to get me a birthday present; I just know he will, because he's decent like that, and likes to do it.

It's a bit crap when you get a dud partner that just can't be arsed.

Firesuit · 15/10/2018 23:28

If you gave me two weeks notice to buy something good for myself, and warned me that I would be regarded as a shit human being if I failed, I still wouldn't be able to come up with something.

Obviously I would have even less chance of success buying for someone else.

If I somehow ended up in a relationship where someone was disappointed in me for this, I hope I have the sense and strength to just walk away. (Presumably they would be glad to see the back of me, and obviously we should never have been together in the first place, given such different ideas of what matters.)

CSIblonde · 15/10/2018 23:55

It sounds like the gift thing is the last straw because you're feeling neglected. IME you need to be very specific when it comes to gifts if your partner has form for being rubbish at them. So a list or website or picture of what you'd like well in advance is best, with your size/colour choice too etc. And talk to him about 'the other stresses' you mention.

Original poster

rbmilliner · 16/10/2018 00:55

I don't think it's about the perfect gift in specified space of time Firesuit , it never was. I think CSIblonde was right we were both feeling neglected (it was 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other so can't proportion blame) and a bit shut out from each other. After talking we've agreed to spend the closest weekend day to both our birthdays as a family next year (and in years to come) as we had such a lovely time once we stopped fighting

OP posts:

Original poster

rbmilliner · 16/10/2018 01:20

KC225 and TheDowagerCuntess thank you, As I've said wasn't after gifts, a card given with sincerity would have done don't think involves much expectation AjasLipstick, probably far less than sending your spouse into a specific shop with instructions of what to come out with.
Anyway thank you for the birthday wishes KC225, to be fair was probably a bit of arseness on both parts by the end so as you probably read after a much needed talk we are reconciled

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/10/2018 02:13

All's well that ends well.

catlady3 · 16/10/2018 09:34

My DP and I started out having very different expectations around birthdays and holidays. Took us several years, often with me ending up upset because he didn't do xyz and him slightly baffled and unable to compute what went wrong.

We've now settled into something similar to what user1484424013 described. My birthday is around a spring bank holiday and his is roughly 6 month later, so we tend to take a few days off for each and maybe go on a little break, or spend some time together at home and take each other out for a nice meal.

That said, I think you need to be on the same page about this, otherwise you'll end up disappointed.

I sometimes think that these rituals (gift giving etc.) aren't just for ourselves but also for the people around us. It's a signal to others that we love each other etc., a story we can tell people. So another thing to think about is whether that is actually important to you.

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