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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did I react correctly ( smacking of bum )

85 replies

Alwaysbekind2014 · 13/10/2018 23:18

We have a local supermarket won’t mention names.
We shop their regularly and the security guard is often a little over friendly, always asks questions etc
Anyway the other day I was walking home with young daughter, and he was at the bus stop he said oh you live he then ( the door next to it ) next time you come in it’s for lunch !
Anyway fast forward to this evening I went over with daughter and the alarms went off ( tag left on toy )
I laughed as it’s always me shoes receipt blah blah as I went to put you back in back he smacked my bum, I alwardlt tried to ignore it and then he said to me you need more children.
Anyway
I got in the lift to leave and then changed my mind and went back upstairs to discuss with manager.
My friend seems to think I have over reacted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysbekind2014 · 14/10/2018 07:31

Yes the original girl at the cigarette counter, who called through to manager said yes his very friendly.
I spent hours question myself, did I get it wrong ? Was it a mid understanding did he not go for my bum but I’m pretty certain.
I know he knew what he did as why come in to the shop when I was stood at customer service waiting to ask if everything was ok
He knew.

OP posts:
Flatasapancakenow · 14/10/2018 07:39

How horrible for you! Especially as your daughter enjoys going to that supermarket so much. Flowers

differentnameforthis · 14/10/2018 07:41

Bahhhhhumbug

My understanding is: op/dd walking home and sec guard at bus stop, sec sees where she lives (close to bus stop). he says next time (they see each other) he'll come in (to her house) for lunch.

Original poster
Alwaysbekind2014 · 14/10/2018 07:41

She does yes it’s basically located 60 seconds from our door and one of those big superstore ones with everything you can imagine In it.
There really is not a alternative for us near by

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysbekind2014 · 14/10/2018 07:43

Differentnametothis
I’m not sure, I don’t understand much he says !
I was walking trying not to stop as didn’t want to engage.
There is a cafe in supermarket so may have been referring to there.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 14/10/2018 07:50

Nah, I reckon he was inviting himself for "lunch", or "inviting" you to his for "lunch" .. it's what they do.

I hope you told his manager that he knows where you live. That way, they can see if he lives nr you, or has been waiting for (following) you. Sorry, I know that might creep you out, but it needs considering.

SandyY2K · 14/10/2018 07:50

This is why I never talk to anyone. It fucking sucks, but men seem to be unable to understand that friendly conversation does not equal permission to touch my arse.

Massive generalisation. I talk to a lot of men and they've not seen it as permission to touch me like that.

GoatWithACoat · 14/10/2018 08:00

Well then Sandy2K you are lucky. But when you have to live with constant sexual harassment day in day out from men and every friendly conversation ends up with some fucking sexual innuendo, a request for your number / date or a little touch of your bum / leg / wherever then you might start deciding to avoid men too.

Luckily those days are over for me now but as a woman who can now have perfectly ordinary conversations with men, I do wonder how many women actually realise how much some young women suffer and how often men will harass women / girls that they deem attractive. If my life’s experiences were based on the past ten years I’d not be aware of it either.

SausageOnAFork · 14/10/2018 08:07

You did not over react at all. What he did was completely inappropriate.

GinPink · 14/10/2018 08:09

Once a guy at work pinched my bum. To avoid the confrontation I 'laughed it off'.

I later found out he has sexually assaulted many other women in the workplace.

I regret, more than ever, not reporting it when it happened.

Under any circumstances it is not ok that this man touched your bum. It is HIS fault, not yours. There is nothing you could have said or don't that would make this ok. He is wrong and (Unlike me) you did the right thing.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 14/10/2018 08:10

He should have been immediatly suspended pending investigation... And then fired for gross misconduct. It's dangerous to have someone like that in a position of 'power'.

If a security guard tells a young girl/teenager/adult woman to stop, then they will stop. And then he thinks he has the right to do this? That's the problem here; he things it's ok to sexually harass and then physically lay his hands on women, even when they've got children with them.

I don't think you took this seriously enough and is be going back tomorrow to escalate the complaint. And make sure they tell him in his disciplinary meeting that they know he knows where you live and he must stay away from you or there will be police involvement.

Dragongirl10 · 14/10/2018 08:15

Op from now on you need to blank him, if he tries to chat , don't smile, just walk away.
If he asks you questions, say 'please leave me alone l do not want to talk.'

If he follows you tell the management.

We all know 'over friendly men' and do NOT have to put up with them.

Jeffers3 · 14/10/2018 08:16

You did not over react and he should know it’s not okay to touch people like that without their permission.

The comment about having more children was probably meant like ‘you have so many toys, you’ll need another child for all of them’

speakout · 14/10/2018 08:24

Contact store HQ and police.

Booie09 · 14/10/2018 08:26

He sould not of touched your arse! Even if he was a friend I would be offended.

PipLongStockings · 14/10/2018 08:38

Alwaysbekind2014
Could you ask the manager for his working days/work timetable?
He can't work 7 days a week and in the interim you can still stop on his off days.
Obviously you shouldn't have to and I hope they deal with this swiftly and seriously, but it might be an idea?

Cutietips · 14/10/2018 08:52

OP you absolutely didn’t overact at all. This guy is to a certain extent in a position of trust. Who knows if he might be able to take young women into a back office for suspected shop lifting, if they’re ill etc? I think i should be a sackable offence for gross misconduct personally, it sounds like you handled the situation really well. A more vulnerable woman may have not been able to complain, and who knows it could have escalated. Your friend is ridiculous. Does she have no idea that sexual pests can escalate, starting with flashing, inappropriate touching etc. It may not be the case with this man, but he definitely needs to learn to keep his leering and his hands to himself.

buscaution · 14/10/2018 08:55

Could you ask the manager for his working days/work timetable?

Yes, because they are going to hand out the guys rota to customers Hmm

Sometimes I wonder what level of cloud people live in.

RaininSummer · 14/10/2018 09:00

I think that is very threatening in a way. 'You need another child' is very creepy. I think I would borrow a big bloke to go shopping with next time to put him off as he sounds like he has ideas about you. I think I would pursue a proper complaint.

NeepNeepNeep · 14/10/2018 09:08

Honestly, I think you need to talk to the police. He knows where you live and has assaulted you. Don't minimise that. The "you need another child" was so disturbing. Let's say the shop sack him, that doesn't help you much because he knows where you live.

AuntBeastie · 14/10/2018 09:12

You have completely done the right thing, he is a gross creep and honestly he should be fired for that.

BlueJava · 14/10/2018 09:23

You have absolutely not over-reacted in my view - well done on standing up for yourself. He shouldn't touch you and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/10/2018 09:28

Be prepared for the shop to
a) deny
b) lose the camera footage
c) virtually accuse you of trying to cover up a shoplifting episode (though they will not say that) in order to detract from your complaint

I hope I'm wrong, but I had a shopping experience which ended as above. He will get a private dressing down, but I suspect they won't do ANYTHING that will make them look bad, or risk a lawsuit.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/10/2018 09:29

OP, I really think you need to contact the Police in this instance, and as someone who works closely with the Police and knows how overstretched they are I rarely say that. It's good that the store manager seems to have taken your concerns seriously but she can really only address the inappropriateness of the security guards behaviour at work, she can't do anything about the fact that this man knows where you live and has also approached you and made comments in public. Unwanted sexual touching (such as a slap on the bottom) is a form of assault and as such it is a matter for the Police. If the store manager follows protocol it is likely he will be suspended from work pending an investigation, which means you wouldn't risk running into him doing your shopping, but the Police could speak with him and 'advise' him about what would happen should he be foolish enough to hang around your home address or approach you in the street. If nothing else it may make him think twice and it puts him on their radar.

Dollymixture22 · 14/10/2018 09:34

You have not over reacted at all. This isn’t just a friendly man - I cannot beleive he touched your bum! He is a security guard, employed by the store so you had to interact with him when the alarm went off.

The store will be very concerned about this. It is completely unacceptable. See what the store do. I am a little worried this man has no boundaries so keep a close eye on the situation. I agree a chat with the police might be a good idea. This could become a stalking situation - hopefully not - but if he knows where you live it’s bound to be a little unsettling.