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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel utterly torn about going back to work after maternity leave?

53 replies

ethelfleda · 13/10/2018 18:52

More of a WWYD...

I’m due to start back soon after a year off. DS (nearly one) will be going to nursery twice a week and with me the other three days (I will be using accrued holiday 3 days per week) The plan then was always for me to go back full time.

Ever since his settling in sessions, the thought of not being with him 5 days per week really worries me and I’m considering asking to cut down to part time hours (maybe 3 days per week) I feel a huge sense of not wanting to miss out on time with him while he is still so young... but then I also enjoy my job and may be in the chance with a promotion if I work full time and I do feel a slight loss of identity after this first year as a mum.

DH would prefer for him to not be in nursery full time also but I know wouldn’t protest if I did want to work FT again.

I guess I’m looking for opinions on this from you. What did you do? Did you make the right choice?
I feel as though I would never regret spending more time with him but then I also feel a bit sad about ‘checking out’ of my career!

OP posts:

Biancadelriosback · 13/10/2018 18:56

Financially we didn't have a choice. I needed to go back to work in order to keep a roof over our heads.
It was hard, and I felt incredibly guilty, but it was the right choice.

tumtitum · 13/10/2018 18:56

I went back three days a week and find it the best of both worlds. I mostly enjoy my time at work, and my time with DCs. I probably won't get any huge promotions whilst part time but I'm not that ambitious, I work in the NHS anyway so unless I want to move into middle management options are limited in terms of promotions, and it's only for a few years until DCs are in school and then I have many years of working life left to progress in work!

Flatasapancakenow · 13/10/2018 18:59

I went back 3 days a week, but I really didn't want to at the time. Now my youngest is nearly 2.5 and sometimes I think part time is the best of both worlds and other times I just don't want to leave them at all.

tumtitum · 13/10/2018 19:00

Also, financially we would be better off if I worked full time but not so much so that we're on the breadline without it. Also I think it makes home life slightly easier as I can do some of our life admin on my days at home and we're not rushing everyday to get kids into bed after nursery etc.

Parker231 · 13/10/2018 19:00

My DT’s went to nursery ft from six months (that was the maternity leave then). My career couldn’t have survived with any longer off and I always planned on returning to work. If you don’t want to use ft nursery could you and your DH both work part time so the working week is covered between you?

Bambamber · 13/10/2018 19:01

I found the anticipation of going back to work a lot worse than going back. I went back 3 days a week as I wasn't going to progress in that career anyway.

I have just changed career (5 months after going back) and will be working full time, but working in the evening/night so I will be home the majority of the day. My daughter has never really settled well in nursery, so I wouldn't want her to go full time. It is really hard but absolutely right for me and our family.

There is no right or wrong answer. If you went back full time and you wasn't happy, would you be able to request flexible working a little later down the line?

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 19:01

I went back to work FT, albeit in a very flexible role with no commute. DH's work was also very flexible, so we were able to share most of the care between us with only a few hours of paid childcare each day (nanny in our own home).

DD is 13 now, and I have no regrets at all. I continued to breastfeed dd for a long time after returning to work and I had loads of lovely time with her, as did DH. She really thrived with the nanny, and we have a fabulous relationship now. At the same time, I was able to develop my career, pay for dd's expensive hobbies and build up my pension. Yes, life is busy and it's sometimes hard to fit everything in, but overall, I would say that it worked out perfectly for us.

cheminotte · 13/10/2018 19:02

Could DH drop to four days and you both do four days each so DS is only in nursery 3 days. If DH isn’t prepared to reduce his hours I wouldn’t worry too much about his preferences.
I went back FT when Ds1 was 6 m old but using accrued leave to do 3 and then 4 day weeks for ages. Once I was back full time I negotiated one day a week at home. He still went to nursery but as I didn’t have the 2 hour commute I got an extra 2 hours with him and it was a less stressful day.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 13/10/2018 19:02

I went back to work 3 days (technically 4, but I work 3 days in the office and work the other 8 hours into my spare time in the week), so I have 4 days at home. For me this is a really good balance, I get enough time with DS but I also get a chance for adult/not just being someone’s mum time. Before I get slated, I think ‘just being someone’s mum’ is absolutely enough if that’s what you want but for me, it’s not. And I surprised even myself with that one!

I’ll be completely honest though and say I think my career has suffered a bit. It took me a year to get back into it (balancing everything) especially as I was always early in and late out and able to be around the country as a moments notice where as I’m less flexible now. My last review was really positive re progression etc but I’ve put a spanner in the works by getting pregnant again!

Caprisunorange · 13/10/2018 19:04

I went back full time. IME, women get totally screwed over going part time- very few jobs get redesigned to fit the part time hours, so you end up doing a full time job for half the pay.

Is it even a realistic option in your job? What would you propose you/ your company needs to do it make it work for both sides

It I were you I would see how it goes whilst you’re part time

whittingtonmum · 13/10/2018 19:06

I would ask for part time hours. Looking back in 5 years time you probably will regret not asking to go part time more than not getting a promotion (if they are indeed linked). If your employer doesn't let you go part time than at least you know you've tried. If they let you do it you can always go back to full time working when your child starts school.

AnotherEmma · 13/10/2018 19:07

“Could DH drop to four days and you both do four days each so DS is only in nursery 3 days. If DH isn’t prepared to reduce his hours I wouldn’t worry too much about his preferences.”

This!!

FWIW I went back part time (3 days a week). I’m not progressing but that’s ok for now, I am still working and will increase my days as DS gets older.

DH works 4 days a week so DS has a day with him and is only in nursery 2 days plus the occasional half day when I need to catch up on jobs or rest.

mangowango · 13/10/2018 19:07

What you are feeling is pretty much what every mum goes through towards the end of Mat leave. I would say go back and see how you feel then. Once you settle into a new routine and the idea of it you may change your mind. It's very daunting leaving them for the first time but if you have a good Childcare setting that you are happy with it will be ok

loveyoutothemoon · 13/10/2018 19:18

I went back part time 6 moths after with both children. I felt ready to go back but I also missed them. They needed to spent time with other children and adults. I strongly believe that the time you spend with them before they start school is so precious and important, better to work more when they're in education.

autumn18 · 13/10/2018 19:21

I went back 3 days but as a compromise and if it would keep you in with the chance of promotion how about doin. 4 days and asking dh to do 4 days? That way ds could be at nursery 3 days and with mum and dad 1 day each.

You could even do compressed hours

southeastlondonmum · 13/10/2018 19:28

I have done everything from full time ,three days, four days and nine day fortnight in the last eight years (two kids 6,8). Honestly if you want to maintain a career either full time or job share is the easiest.
I am now in a very senior job share arrangement and am yet to trade seniority for flexibility but this is often not the case for others. I now work three days as part of my share but the level of work means that this can easily be 35 hours in three days. I then have two days to do the school run, prep for weekend and look after myself (have a long term condition). It is amazing and a great balance. My children have no memory of me working full time now and tbh prefer me being around a few days at school gate now they are older

Oysterbabe · 13/10/2018 19:40

I work 3 days and it's the right balance for me. I didn't want them in nursery full time but also feel quite strongly that I need to work. I don't mind my career taking a backseat until they are at school considering I'll still have 30 years to focus on it.

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2018 19:44

I became a full time mum after having DS who is 18 months. Fortunately we could get by financially. It's now I'm starting to think about work but I'm wanting a complete career change and don't want to work full time. Whatever you decide it has to be right for you and you maybe need to try out the original scenario first, see how it goes and go from there.

greendale17 · 13/10/2018 19:45

I went back three days a week and find it the best of both worlds.

^This. The most miserable of my friends are those that work full time

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2018 19:50

If finances aren't a concern, I would either work part-time or not at all. Our children are babies for such a short time. I stayed at home with mine when they were little (all adults now), and I have never regretted it. No career advancement would ever have made up for not having that time with them. You have years and years to work full-time and your career will sort it self out. The fact is, it's just a job. That's just my opinion.

Momo27 · 13/10/2018 19:57

The thought of it before you actually go back is far harder than the reality! It’s totally normal to feel apprehensive and I imagine it’s far harder after a year off (3 months with my dc1, 6 months with my next two dc as maternity leave wasn’t nearly as long back then.) first time round if someone had waved a magic wand the week before I went back and paid our mortgage for us then I’d have stayed home because frankly it would have felt like the far easier option! However, really quickly I got into the groove and I can honestly say returning to work was the best thing. I did 3 days and then stepped back to full time when my youngest was starting school. Win win. Happy children, and I’ve been able to retain my career.

Coldilox · 13/10/2018 20:01

Went back full time and never regretted it. Love my job (although it's tough, and stressful and theee have been times I hated it) but it makes me feel like me. DS goes to nursery 3 days a week - DW decided to go down to 4 days and my amazing MIL offered to have him one day a week. Nursery has been really good for him, I think he'd be a lot less confident without him.

DS and I have an amazing bond so I don't think working has affected that.

Even if finances weren't an issue I would have gone back full time.

inabox · 13/10/2018 20:01

I work 3 days a week. Love it. I enjoy work more because I'm not there as much and I like having a couple of days just me and the kids and then family time with all of us at the weekend.

If you can afford it I would do it. You could always go back to FT when your kid(s) are at school.

Neverender · 13/10/2018 20:09

I went back full time after a year but to a new job doing 8am-4pm. It was the right thing for me to do. But if you'd asked me just before I went back to work, I'd have told you I was dreading it and couldn't imagine anything worse. Try it out, you might like it?

If you don't you can always change your mind.

Neverender · 13/10/2018 20:10

Just to add...before you stop working you cannot imagine not going to work...it's the same the other end but you have no idea how you'll feel until you do it.

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