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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly torn about going back to work after maternity leave?

53 replies

ethelfleda · 13/10/2018 18:52

More of a WWYD...

I’m due to start back soon after a year off. DS (nearly one) will be going to nursery twice a week and with me the other three days (I will be using accrued holiday 3 days per week) The plan then was always for me to go back full time.

Ever since his settling in sessions, the thought of not being with him 5 days per week really worries me and I’m considering asking to cut down to part time hours (maybe 3 days per week) I feel a huge sense of not wanting to miss out on time with him while he is still so young... but then I also enjoy my job and may be in the chance with a promotion if I work full time and I do feel a slight loss of identity after this first year as a mum.

DH would prefer for him to not be in nursery full time also but I know wouldn’t protest if I did want to work FT again.

I guess I’m looking for opinions on this from you. What did you do? Did you make the right choice?
I feel as though I would never regret spending more time with him but then I also feel a bit sad about ‘checking out’ of my career!

OP posts:
Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/10/2018 20:23

Thank you for the replies. Some really well balanced views here. I am leaning more towards trying to go back 3 days a week. At least until DS starts school.
I have to actually check if I will be allowed to though or this will be a pointless worry!

Those of you that worked PT... what did you do with your children on your two days off?? DS is my first (and stopping at 1!) and at the moment, even though he is nearly 12 months I feel like each day I have off with him is mainly spent caring for him rather than actually doing things with him if that makes sense. We barely seem to get any ‘play time’
I had a romanticised view that I could spend those days off with him doing craft stuff, baking, going for forest walks etc etc... am I kidding myself?? Will it be 1pm and I’ll realise that the day is half over and we’ve not done anything??

OP posts:
Fatted · 13/10/2018 20:25

The dread of going back to work is natural and common! I was in tears both times when it came to going back. I went back when both were 6/7 months old.

With my eldest I went back full time. I'll be honest, I didn't like it. I felt like I was missing out on time with my DS and I also didn't really enjoy the job very much. I was pregnant again a year later and my job was made redundant while I was pregnant. So that along with child care costs kind of forced my hand into working part time evenings while DH worked days. I liked that much better and was able to be at home with my kids. It got harder though when eldest started school and I hardly saw him.

I've gone back to full time now youngest is 3 and we get the funded hours. My career and pay has taken a hit, but I would have been in that position probably anyway because of redundancy. Now I'm able to focus on myself again.

I would say while your DC is young, do what you can to spend the time with them. You can always get back on the road with your career, but you can't get the time with them again.

zebrapig · 13/10/2018 20:25

I'm just about to go back on 4 days. I'm very lucky that I can choose to work from home if/when I want as the whole company works remotely (DH and I share an office in town). There are certain times when I have to be in front of the computer but otherwise as long as the work gets done timings are flexible.

I went back on 4 days after my first mat leave but the commute and hours were too much and I left after 2 months. It became apparent that work/life balance was really important to me and I wasn't prepared to sacrifice time with DD because I needed to stay late at work. Changing jobs was the best decision I ever made, even though the role I have now is nowhere near as mentally challenging the flexibility and life balance is so much more important right now. I might feel differently once the children are a bit older and independent but they're only 3.5 and 10months and I want to spend time with them before they start school.

zebrapig · 13/10/2018 20:27

With our day off we go to play group, Tiny Talk & Jo Jingles or go out with friends in the holidays. I find it much easier to be out the house than in it, it stays tidy and they're occupied too!

inabox · 13/10/2018 20:32

It depends really, some days we just pootle around the house, kids seem to like that after a busy week at nursery!

DD has a ballet and swimming class so we do that. Most days I try and go out somewhere though, swimming, farm, park etc.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 13/10/2018 20:32

With our days off together I plan something for the morning and then home in the afternoon. In the morning we do a class, go to softplay or swimming. We also do play dates with friends. Then afternoon, he sleeps for an hour (if I’m lucky!), then time in the garden if it’s nice or play in the house. We occasionally bake, he loves it but is also very independent so it’s can be quite stressful! I would love to do craft but DS spends most of his time trying to eat it (glue paint, paper anything!). TBH because he’s not home all the time I think he actually likes to spend his time playing with his toys and he absolutely loves the garden! So we’re lucky in that respect!

BabiesOneSleepNone · 13/10/2018 20:37

I went back 3 days a week after exactly the same dilemma almost 4 months ago. Some weeks I wish I was at home more, and some weeks I wish I was at work more - on the whole I think it's a good balance though.

I definitely think my progression has been halted whilst I'm part time though, but I am (almost!) comfortable with this - I just don't think you can have it all, you have to choose what's more important and for me right now it's time with my daughter. I've just watched one of my friends send her 4 year old off to school and it's really made me realise how precious the time when they're little is, so if you have the choice I'd definitely give 3 days a go if you can. You can always change your mind after a few months if you decide it's not for you!

On our days off we have a great time! Mat leave seemed all about feeding and washing etc, whereas on our days off now we go to the park, softplay, go out for lunch or just play at home. The older she gets the more fun she gets too 😊

cheminotte · 13/10/2018 20:40

Singing at library
Toddler group
Swimming
Meet friends

All in the morning and then a quieter afternoon.

nosleepnosense · 13/10/2018 20:42

I found 3 days a great balance but with my second I'm tempted to have a long break from work. At 1 year old I just tend to go to the shops/do errands on days off until he got old enough to grouch about that then started going to play cafes, stay-and-play toddler groups etc. I miss that one-on-one time now I have 2 dc!

Prometheus · 13/10/2018 20:47

Echoing what people above said - only if your DH is prepared to reduce his hours and let his career take the hit do his preferences count.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/10/2018 20:55

DH would be prepared to as well - and is already planning on asking to do half a day on a Friday each week so he can spend the afternoon with DS while I am at work.
Same story though isn’t it, he is the main breadwinner so it makes more sense for me to cut my hours down etc etc and so it begins!

OP posts:
OoohSmooch · 13/10/2018 20:58

I started a new 3 days per week job after maternity leave earlier this year, after my previous employer were complete arse holes over my flexible working request (I work in HR so I know my stuff in that area!). For me it was a bit of a promotion job, however I'm logging in on my days off but they did allow me to do a 7 hour day when everyone else works an 8 hour day. My main issue is 3 days per week is the same salary as I was earning full time 8 years ago so I feel a bit of a failure there but have to remember my FT salary is good and I get the best of both worlds. It's hard as my husband has had a few promotions in the past couple of years and he's flying ahead career wise. HOWEVER, I will never ever get this time back again with my little girl so I swallow my pride and enjoy every minute.

Viper84 · 13/10/2018 21:02

I work 28hr over 3.5 days.... my little one spends time with my mum and then is in nursery.

Can you compress your hours or work in the evenings/weekends to make your hours up?

With my 1.5 days off I try and get a balance of keeping on top of the housework and doing fun things 😊 walks to the park, visiting children’s museums, library and booking a class or going to playgroups if it fits in with our days off.

You will soon get into a groove with what ever you choose to do, good luck 😊

bnotts · 13/10/2018 21:03

I went back full time. Meant good marternity package when I had No.2 two years later. Meant I have been promoted and able to negotiate much more flexible working now one is at school - which is actually when childcare becomes rubbish - as they need you to help with homework/want friends round etc.

Tigger001 · 13/10/2018 21:03

I completely understand how people worry about their career if they take time away, but I just feel if you can financially afford to go PT, for me it's a No brainier.I think I would definitely ask for PT, think it just goes so quickly and they

ondablobo · 13/10/2018 21:04

I couldn't face leaving mine, which shocked me as I felt so frazzled during ML. I ended up not going back and had 3 yrs with my child. Went back to work April this yr and I'm glad I had that time.

Tigger001 · 13/10/2018 21:08

Sorry posted too soon, I think the grow so quickly and you can miss so much. As PP I know personally I would regret missing time with my baby more than a promotion. I would hate the thought of someone else seeing all those "first" time things and being told about them at pick up from nursery.

Promotions can come around again , first step and first words won't, and I know which one I would choose.

But it is such a difficult decision and I hope think deep down you know which is right for you, so just follow your gut I think.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 13/10/2018 21:10

I recently had a thread about going back to work full time after maternity leave. I actually wanted to go back part time for a year but my request was refused. My son isn't a sleeper and knew it'd be hard.

I decided to leave after a month back as I was utterly miserable, the job had changed massively and the staff team had dwindled. Also my son had a month long cold which meant that he was waking every other hour. I was exhausted and was spending no time with my other kids.

I'm returning to work when my son is 3 , I have applied for some (very) part time work to tide us over but I have no regrets.

Good luck making your decision op , it is tough.

ImogenTubbs · 13/10/2018 21:14

I went back four days a week. Still got my promotion - working part time shouldn't be used as a reason not to promote you. I don't regret it, but two years on DH and I both quit and took six months off to spend time together as a family. Without that promotion we couldn't have done it and it has ultimately led us both in more interesting directions. I realise this is not an option for most people, but you asked for people's experiences and that has been mine.

IsBabyHereYet · 13/10/2018 21:17

If you can financially manage part time then I'd do that, he will be in school before you know it.
At the end of it all, your kids are more important than your job.

RockinRobinTweets · 13/10/2018 21:18

We both condense hours and work slightly part time, no one taking a huge drop and both parents spending time with the kids. I think it also helps to keep the housework/paid work/parent balance equal as well as promotion opportunity and pension conts etc.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/10/2018 21:19

I feel as though I would never regret spending more time with him

This is how I saw it. I work 2 days a week. My oldest is turning 8 now and its just whizzed past! My youngest is 1. I have 3 DCs and my career has taken a backseat but after returning from maternity this time it is starting to be more important to me again and in a few years I will be increasing my hours and starting to try and climb the ladder again. I am glad I didn't give it up completely but glad I got that time with them.

I guess age plays a part too, I am 35 now so have over 30 more years of my career! Financially we have coped but I want to increase our earning potential fairly soon so that we can give the DCs some fab holidays, a decent computer for h/work etc. and maybe upgrade our house which we are beginning to outgrow really and start saving for their futures. These things are less important to pre schoolers and I would have preferred a smaller house and UK seaside holidays to working 5 days.

Also some jobs are better suited to part time than others. Mine was easy to organise part time, will yours be?

IsBabyHereYet · 13/10/2018 21:21

As for doing stuff with him on days off - it will come, he's still really young. 😊

Stuckforthefourthtime · 13/10/2018 21:21

Dreading it is completely normal, even for people who love it later. That said, I'd always choose part over full time, working 5 days a week I miss my DCs and are never on top of things.

Could you do 4 days? Some people complain that you do as much work but for less money, which is sometimes true, but that day at home is precious and it takes a bit of stress off - yet at the same time you are close enough to full time that you can still be up for promotions in most places.

MyBabyBoyBlue · 13/10/2018 21:21

I have just gone back after a year of maternity leave, doing 4 days a week. I'm really struggling to adjust and DS is having a hard time settling in too. Unfortunately I'm in the sort of career where time out would mean the end of it most likely. But, I'm considering it as I am not convinced it's what's right for us as a family. My DH is supportive of anything I want to do and we are having a check in after I've done three months to see how it's working.