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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you can afford a 'private' school in the UK but have chosen to send your child/children to a state school why?

999 replies

Foreverexhausted · 13/10/2018 15:11

My three year old DD has just started a nursery attached to a fee paying school. I chose the nursery because it is by far the best nursery in the area but unfortunately we can't afford to send her to the school itself as fees are £15k per year per child and we have two children.

We have friends who could afford private schooling but their children are in state schools and then others who can't afford it but are just scraping by because they like the status of children attending a private school.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 17/10/2018 10:56

Its not derogatory or mocking to say the education system in the UK could be a little more even handed

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2018 11:17

"Indeed. Wouldn’t it also be great if we could have a reasonable discussion about education without the snide comments about private education."
I do hope that wasn't directed at me......

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2018 11:55

I do hope that wasn't directed at me

Well I don’t think you’ve been particularly snide. One comment was a little bordering that way

But no. A general comment like I assume yours was.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 17/10/2018 11:57

I went to private school for both primary and secondary school, so from 7 to 18. I can only speak for my own experience and obviously I don’t know how different my life would have been if I’d gone elsewhere. But if I have my own kids then it’s hard to imagine sending them to private school, especially for primary.

I do realise not all private schools are alike and I think mine was particularly pushy academically, but I remember coming home crying every single night in my first few months because the teachers were so strict and I felt like I was constantly being told off (and I was a very well behaved child terrified of doing anything wrong!) We also got a ridiculous amount of homework which meant I basically couldn’t do anything fun with my evenings because I was doing my homework from the time I got home until bedtime. For a 7-year old I think that’s far too much and can’t see what benefit that can really have in the long term.

I had a really mixed experience in secondary school too. On the one hand I came out with great grades and that was definitely because I was constantly pushed to do better, but that came at the cost of my self esteem. Nothing we did ever seemed to be good enough and the school was ruthlessly focussed on league tables. People who ‘only’ took 9 GCSEs were treated like absolute dunces. I did 12 and I had to wake up at 6 every day to attend extra lessons before school to fit them all in. I was also told I couldn’t do theatre studies (which I was desperate to do) because Oxbridge wouldn’t take me seriously if I did that. I didn’t even get into Oxbridge in the end and one of my teachers made me feel so, so shit about it.

And even if you were very good academically, which I was, you were still made to feel like crap because you should also have been on all the sports teams and play an instrument to Grade 8 level. It was brutal and I think my ongoing mental health struggles and chronically low self esteem have a lot to do with that Sad

SleightOfMind · 17/10/2018 12:19

DH and I were both full boarders at very well known schools from a young age.
We’ve given our children a big say in which school they’d prefer - state comp, grammar, private day, half or full boarding.

So far, they’ve all chosen the state school option and are all doing really well academically and emotionally.

DS2 wants to study medicine and getting top grades at a state comp will give him a significant advantage.
His life experience will also make him a much more empathetic doctor and capable person all round.

I also think the private education system in the UK is desperately unfair and a pernicious influence on society - if all MPs/journalists/CEOs etc had attended schools with children from diverse backgrounds, imagine how different things would be?

Schnickers · 17/10/2018 12:37

His life experience will also make him a much more empathetic doctor and capable person all round

Oh fgs. That means everyone that went to state school is empathetic?

Balaboosteh · 17/10/2018 12:40

Because state schools can be amazing these days and private schools aren’t necessarily better. Rich people can be nobs and their children ill-mannered and entitled. Because state schools are more accountable. Because private schools can’t support and discriminate against even the mildest special needs. Because... many things.
I personally think that if you can afford it and have reasonably good state school options near you, the best solution is date school plus a tutor to push things on a bit. Spend money supporting learning in other ways - eg trips abroad to help with languages.
Kids in private schools are often tutored as well!

Noqont · 17/10/2018 12:43

I've got one in state, one in private. Personally I don't think the private one is all that. But as my child has nearly finished there's no point changing it now. Would never go private again.

Shitlandpony · 17/10/2018 12:45

Schnickers it’s just ridiculous isn’t it? Very few people challenging these assumptions on this thread too. It would be uproar if it was the other way round.

It’s not fair that my dd has a disability, it’s not fair that some dc live in temporary accommodation. It’s not fair that some dc get fed organic food.

I only have one dc in private education, the rest are in state. What a load of absolute nonsense being spouted on this thread about private schools.
If they are so useless and produce such hideous children, why do people care if others want to waste their money?

Schnickers · 17/10/2018 12:47

It's absolute rubbish. BTW, my friends dd has just got a place to read medicine. She went to a very posh prep followed by a very swish expensive private secondary. She's lovely, always asks about me and my dcs, is kind, volunteers, couldn't be easier to get on with and stunning she'll be a tremendous doctor.

Ninoo25 · 17/10/2018 12:48

Both of ours are in state school. We could have sent them to a private school if we had lived in the same town as it (about 30 mins away) as the houses are much cheaper. However, we chose to pay a lot more for our house to be in an area with outstanding state schools and we get the bonus of living in a nicer area too. I’m happy with our decision

Shitlandpony · 17/10/2018 12:50

Balaboosteh what experience do you have if the private school system? I currently have one with SN who was discriminated against by two state schools locally.

There are a lot of kids needing extra support at dd school, this is not a special school btw, it’s a pretty academic one who works with the pupil and can be flexible because it’s not restricted to government policies.

I still wouldn’t spout off saying that all state schools are useless for dc with disabilities. Even though I think it’s a myth that they all are.

All schools are different, I don’t know why I bother actually, same old posters with same old anti private school agendas.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 17/10/2018 12:51

I also think the private education system in the UK is desperately unfair and a pernicious influence on society - if all MPs/journalists/CEOs etc had attended schools with children from diverse backgrounds, imagine how different things would be?

Absolutely. At my private school (in London) I had absolutely no black girls in my year, while the all-girls state school just up the road was probably at least 50% black. I remember a teacher commenting on it once in primary school (saying something like ‘you would never see this many white faces in a class at other schools’) and I was genuinely taken aback because it had never even occurred to me. It makes me so uneasy when I think about what a separate world I grew up in, and the unconscious biases I know it must have given me.

dapplegrey · 17/10/2018 12:54

I also think the private education system in the UK is desperately unfair and a pernicious influence on society
Sleight so why did you give your children the option of private schooling if you think it’s so appalling?

SleightOfMind · 17/10/2018 13:08

We talked about the various options and I clearly laid out my feelings but, at age 10, I expect my DC to be developing opinions and an outlook of their own.

If one of them had chosen a paid education, we would have discussed the reasons why.

They may have felt overwhelmed by class sizes/had a particular extra curricular talent or other valid objection to our local state schools.
I’m not a parent who imposes my beliefs on my children unless I have to.
That said, if they’d chosen a school we thought particularly ill fitting for them, or our family, we would have no problem vetoing it. We did not include religious schools in their list of choices for example.

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2018 13:18

“Schnickers it’s just ridiculous isn’t it? Very few people challenging these assumptions on this thread too. It would be uproar if it was the other way round.”

You just have to accept that assumptions-often wrong- are made on both sides. Did you miss the poster who confidently asserted that her child would not have got AAB at A level, a gap year job that enabled him to tavel , the confidence to reject drugs and the whatever you need not to be a smoker if he had gone to a state school? Not to mention all the references to bullying, knives and gangs?

SleightOfMind · 17/10/2018 13:19

Oh and I did not say that privately educated medics are boorish oafs while state school doctors are beacons of empathy.

I said my DS will be a more empathetic doctor because of a particular set of experiences he has had due to his state schooling.

I’m being very specific about one child, my own. It is ridiculous to extrapolate that to all state school DC or even further, to surmise that I’m insulting any privately educated trainee doctors.

Calm the fuck down. I think the system negatively affects society. I don’t attach a shred of blame to any parents or FFS, children who are a part of it!

Had one of mine chosen to go private for good reasons (not because their best friend is for example) I’d have sent them.

Ennirem · 17/10/2018 13:27

As in all situations Sleight, I think those most vociferous are less than happy/confident of the choices they have made. If they were, what would the opinions of some randomers on MN matter? Indeed from the private school parent's perspective, surely the more people who favour state school the better as it reduces the competition for their DC.

Far too many people think the choices others make and their reasons for them are a direct judgement on those who choose and perceive differently. cf the SAHP/WOHP brawls that regularly pop up on these pages.

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2018 13:32

Indeed from the private school parent's perspective, surely the more people who favour state school the better as it reduces the competition for their DC

What do you mean “competition”?

Shitlandpony · 17/10/2018 13:32

BertrandRussell don’t be ridiculous, it’s been a tiny minority in comparison. In the 15 years that I have been on this site, I have never once seen you challenge the sweeping statements made about private schools and the often spiteful assumptions made against children whose parents have made the choice to send them there.

Complete hypocrisy.

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2018 13:36

I don’t think the discussion should be about individuals at all. It’s about how we want out society to be. I don’t want to live in a society in which private education-at least as it is now- exists.

Schnickers · 17/10/2018 13:38

Well you won't get that by challenging everyone's experiences of private education tbf

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2018 13:39

Shitlandpony- this thread alone has more negative statements about state schools than about private schools!

JacquesHammer · 17/10/2018 13:39

The only fair way I could see in doing away with private education would be a gradual withdrawal.

So current pupils get to finish, without new intakes.

ss2011 · 17/10/2018 13:39

We could maybe afford private but we don’t think it’s fair. We also live in a place with good local schools, and where there is a really great sense of community...we want our kids to go to the local schools with kids from next door, just round the corner etc. They would miss out on a lot if they travelled to a private school instead and so would I as a Mum...I have some great friends amongst local mums and like getting involved in school activities when I have the time. I can walk my kids to school and then walk to work. I am really really lucky I think...have no reason to think my kids would have any better an educational experience at a private school compared to what they would miss. And....my brother went to a state school and I went to a private school so I can directly compare...he has his own business, is really successful and he is a great role model for any child. I have done ok too but you would never say that I have been more successful.