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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you can afford a 'private' school in the UK but have chosen to send your child/children to a state school why?

999 replies

Foreverexhausted · 13/10/2018 15:11

My three year old DD has just started a nursery attached to a fee paying school. I chose the nursery because it is by far the best nursery in the area but unfortunately we can't afford to send her to the school itself as fees are £15k per year per child and we have two children.

We have friends who could afford private schooling but their children are in state schools and then others who can't afford it but are just scraping by because they like the status of children attending a private school.

OP posts:
dapplegrey · 16/10/2018 08:37

I don't see why my children should be advantaged (if they are) just because their parents have more money than other children.

If you have more money than other people then your children will be advantaged even if they go to state school.

JacquesHammer · 16/10/2018 08:39

AlexaShutUp

As I mentioned up thread we actually chose private for little more than proximity after not getting a school place in our area

With hindsight it turned out to be excellent for our very bright DD, both from the work she was able to be given to stretch her and the small class sizes. My friend with equally bright kids in a local state school has acknowledged the programme for G&T kids (or whatever the official term is now) was far superior in our school than state.

Now obviously that’s a sample size of one vs one, but I think worth mentioning private can be incredibly useful for brighter kids too.

Miladymilord · 16/10/2018 08:42

And we'll do what any parent can do and read to her at every opportunity. I genuinely believe that will be of far more value than private school

This made me laugh. Reading to your kids is brilliant but to suggest it gives them a massive academic advantage is crazy.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 08:44

Also, happiness! My DP was sent to private school and was unhappy there and still unhappy about it, because for all the talk of inclusivity it is still largely populated by the children of the generationally rich and privileged. The son of a struggling working class family, it was all very well being clever and fee paying, but on top of that and fees for his two sisters they couldn't afford the right shoes, the right holidays, the right etc etc. He felt his difference to the majority of the kids with their horses and skiing etc, and it isolated him. I wouldn't want that for my kid (and God knows we aren't buying her a horse 😆).

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 08:46

Milady Hmm she doesn't need a "massive academic advantage" though. She just needs to do well at school so she can get a job in a field she likes and be happy. Reading to her will instill a love of words and knowledge - much more important to me than a "massive academic advantage". It's all this willywaving that puts me right off private school - as if all that matters in life is "winning" at everything 🙄

Miladymilord · 16/10/2018 08:48

OK. I reserve judgement as I don't think you have older kids.

Barbie222 · 16/10/2018 08:49

Not RTFT but I'm not convinced that private is better at primary level just from my own anecdotal evidence of the sorts of teachers who I knew in both sorts of schools. There are some really good prep schools around, I'm sure, but taken as a whole I'm not sure they offer value for money. Some people I know couldn't afford private when it came to secondary as the good ones cost so much more. Unless state really does not work for your child I'd save the money for extra curricular activities and so on.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 08:52

Well fair enough who knows how I'll feel in 10 years. I'll have to see what kind of person she is by then, what her needs and priorities are or seem likely to be. But I can't imagine I'll have changed so much that a "massive academic advantage" will suddenly trump her happiness, freedom to learn pleasurably rather than under intense pressure, and sense of belonging for me.

A lot of course will depend on the context. I'd like to think in the next 10 years society might have re-evaluated a bit and put the consumerist ratrace on the back burner a bit, so life choices will be less about competition and more about exploration. But then you may say I'm a dreamer Grin

JacquesHammer · 16/10/2018 08:53

But I can't imagine I'll have changed so much that a "massive academic advantage" will suddenly trump her happiness, freedom to learn pleasurably rather than under intense pressure, and sense of belonging for me

We had all that IN a private school.

It’s never going to be possible to say “state is better than private” or “private is better than state” because it’s simply such a wide range within each sector.

KennDodd · 16/10/2018 08:55

In my area the state schools are better than the private ones, honestly it baffles me why anybody would pay all that money when we have two of the best secondary schools in the country (both in top ten) on the doorstep

Miladymilord · 16/10/2018 08:55

Yes it's very personal decision. Dd1 literally bloomed before our eyes at private school. She liked the rules and the order, the quiet and the respect for teachers. It made a huge difference to her mental well being.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 08:55

Absolutely Jacques hammer. Depends totally on your family, your circumstances and your child. For us, private school wouldn't give my daughter what we'd like her to have. For your family the situation may be entirely appropriate.

pacer142 · 16/10/2018 08:56

because otherwise the “comprehensives are hot beds of drugs and knives and gangs inhabited by knuckle dragging Neanderthals” narrative might need to be questioned.

Bertram. A state comp can be crap even when it doesn't have drugs, knives and gangs. My comp had none of those (not that I was aware of anyway), but it was crap because of low level crime/disruption that the teachers turned a blind eye to for an easy life. My teenage years were ruined by daily bullying, low level theft, low level physical assault (fag burns mostly), low level damage to property. None of it particularly serious, but when it's daily it just makes you want to hide and ruins your education and social development. All made worse because the teachers just shrugged it off and did their usual victim blaming by telling me to toughen up!

MyOtherProfile · 16/10/2018 08:59

@AlexaShutUp that's why I keep banging on about progress 8. It gives an indication of the value added of a school.

labloomster · 16/10/2018 08:59

We chose to send our children to state school despite being able to afford to send them to private school because we felt that it was important that they are able to understand and get on with people from all walks of life.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 08:59

And it's about how much you think your kids will need the benefits of private school, how much they will be able to leverage them if there, and whether what will be lost by the family in terms of time together/disposable income is worth that net benefit. Which will depend on your budget of course, as if you are already rich it won't impact too much on time/readies. It's a balance! But what I mean is I don't think, like for like, private school is just "better" across the board. Depends so much on what you want/need out of it and what you can put in to your child otherwise.

BertrandRussell · 16/10/2018 09:00

“It's not just extras though is it? The gcse results are a lot better.“

No they aren’t. The sort of children who go to private school, and who will get stellar GCSE results will get them anywhere. Because they are privileged and supported.

Ironically, the children who would benefit most from private education are the sort of children who will never have the remotest chance of getting it.

JacquesHammer · 16/10/2018 09:05

The sort of children who go to private school, and who will get stellar GCSE results will get them anywhere. Because they are privileged and supported

You can’t possibly make such a generalisation.

Very much anecdata but my bright, engaged and supported sister ended up getting few A-levels and dropping out of education all together because of her experiences at state sixth form. A very good state school on paper, but the pastoral side was abysmal and bullying wasn’t dealt with.

Contrasted to my school with a “one strike and our policy” for bullying.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 09:07

Bertrand exactly this! The very fact someone's parents are willing/able to pay for their education shows that they are already in the right environment to foster success in academia. It's very difficult to take the statistics at face value as they do not compare like for like.

missyB1 · 16/10/2018 09:09

Can we stop repeating the myth that that children from certain families will do well in any school? In schools up and down the Country some kids are not reaching their true potential because of conditions in that school. I was one of those children.

Akanamali · 16/10/2018 09:13

We chose to send our children to state school despite being able to afford to send them to private school because we felt that it was important that they are able to understand and get on with people from all walks of life.

I don't see how a private school prevents this unless your child does no socialising outside of school.

Ennirem · 16/10/2018 09:15

I hate this "full potential" thing. It's such s burden on clever children that they have this "huge potential" they absolutely must fulfill... Because... You have such HUGE POTENTIAL. Talk about pressure. Made me miserable in my teens at a grammar school, even though I did well, and in later life as I bumbled about a bit I felt like shit I didn't have some burning ambition to climb to the top of some well-referenced ant hill because I had such HUGE POTENTIAL and was wasting it. Strewth. Just why? I had every ability and opportunity to "succeed" by society's lights. But I wanted different things, and it took me forever to find out what they were, because being a mum or a little pottering job helping nice colleagues do something worthwhile wasn't good enough for such a clever girl 🙄

boymum9 · 16/10/2018 09:17

We could afford it if we were more careful in other areas but we're sending them to state primary and saving the money otherwise spent on private primary to go towards private secondary.

We live in an area with good primary's and awful state secondary schools, there's a huge amount of great private schools.

Yura · 16/10/2018 09:19

@missyB1 agree. there us s group of children who is at risk in many state schools. its the quiet, shy, academically in the middle ones. quote from a teacher about my son and her school (just brlow national average for results, good ofsted): don’t sent him to us. Loud and confident kids do well here, because they demand attention. Kuds with SEND and lower abilities do well at our school, because we are lucky enough to have great ressources for them. Shy, quiet and academically ok kids do well below what they are capable off. we don’t have time or ressources left for them. we can’t cater for all, we have to puck
priorities andvthere is oy so much time and mo ey“

Growingboys · 16/10/2018 09:23

I think there's a huge difference between, say, a private day school in the north of England (or somewhere that is not the moneyed south east) and a super smart boarding school in the south east. Huge difference in terms of fees, pupils, and experience.

The only thing I would pay for is the boarding experience as that is brilliant fun. But my DC go to a very good and well known state school and are v happy there and I don't think it's worth paying several hundred grand for them to enjoy the fun of boarding.

I certainly wouldn't pay for a private day school unless the state options were bad.