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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect BM to lay for a contact centre ?

62 replies

Lalameme · 13/10/2018 12:10

My step daughter 12 lives with us as her mother BM is an alxhkoic and drug abuser

Her BM pays nothing at all toward SD so my DH said she should pay £15 for a contact centre.

BM said she can’t afford £15 but she’s been seen out drinking and taking cocaine a lot she also cane into my daughters work bistro and had steak and wine !

Thing is Sad is down as her BM isn’t seeing her social services have told DH SD can’t be in BM care or she’ll get taken into child protection, so it has to be a contact centre. We can’t afford to pay for this as we have 3 children living with us and a large rent and BM does not pay anything towards SD.

AIBU thinking BM should pay £15 to see her daughter ?

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 13/10/2018 12:13

If her dm wants to see her dd she should find the cash imo.

trojanpony · 13/10/2018 12:14

I think your poor step daughter has been through the mill.

Personally, i wouldn’t be facilitating contact if the BM can’t be bothered to find £15.
long term it’s probably more damaging for her.

I would use your efforts and resources to integrate your SD into your family and make her feel secure and loved.

Starlight345 · 13/10/2018 12:14

Yanbu .

How much does she want to see dc?

It doesn’t sound like there is much benefit to the child. My understanding was you have to be sober and not under the influence of drugs to attend contact centre

Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 14:59

@aprilslongone sorry dd is dear daughter ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 15:00

@trojanpony she has been with us 1/2 the week for 5.5 years she is 100% in our family ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 15:02

@starlight346 SD wants to see her mum as much as possible but Mum doesn’t bother and SD isn’t seeing that as I suppose it hurts too much I also have children at home one her dad never bothered in 15 years so I have been there with my own 2 eldest children - they had to both learn the hard way that one parent didn’t care enough ?

You have ask for them to be breathlised they’d have to pay £5

OP posts:
NWQM · 13/10/2018 15:14

It might be worth checking out naccc.org.uk and seeing if there is a local contact centre that doesn't charge. However, I'd be going back to ask Social Service or the Court if they will only accept a contact centre or what else they would suggest. Will they fund some sessions and observe to see what might work. I'm not at all sure that you are liable to pay. You are happy / willingly and want your stepdaughter to have the contact with her Mum that she craves. You will support her and facilitate by taking her etc but I wouldn't quickly take on the financial liability even if you could afford it.

Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 15:43

@NWQM I personally don’t feel BM should see SD until she gets her volent behaviour sorted out along with her emotional blackmail of SD and her addictions - yes SD should see her mum but when her mum realises she can’t use emotional blackmail and get drunk around her children but it’s been going in 7-8 years now.

Tbh it’s down to DH not me to sort this all out so I just was asking AIBU to expect BM to lay to see her daughter as she lays nighjng else towards her child’s upbringing just like my ex

Thankyou

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 13/10/2018 15:48

If your step daughter wants to see her mother, and mother refuses to pay, I'd have to find the money to pay it, but step daughter should be aware of the situation.
We had a similar situation with my DC father, but I did everything I could possibly do to facilitate contact, until they were ready to decided one way or another for themselves.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 13/10/2018 15:55

Difficult one. YANBU to think she should be the one to pay, if she’s not paying anything else at all. And if you can’t afford it, you should n’t be paying.

But, if you can afford it without having to cut back or the children having to go without somewhere then I would pay for it. At that point at least she will know you’ve done everything possible to facilitate a relationship with her mother, even if she doesn’t realise it quite yet.

Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 16:15

I'd speak to SD & explain the issue re the contact centre cost. If it was me, I'd offer to pay it every other week. That way BM can either do the same or not. Either way, you're doing your part to help SD & BM keep contact & in the future, SD will slowly learn to accept what sadly is.

PinkHeart5914 · 13/10/2018 16:22

How crap a parent do you have to be to choose drug & alcohol over your own kid then not even £15 to see said child and try to make up for your failings? Some people really don’t deserve dc.

Yanbu if course she should be the one paying. If I felt it was in SD best interest I might offer to pay once per month.

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 16:24

Have you adopted your step daughter? Just unsure as you're using the term 'birth mother' instead of mum.

Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:32

Why would we pay when all this women has done is mad our lives an absolute misery
When I lost our baby to sepsis late in pregnancy this women was on an all inclusive holiday abroad for 16 nights with her now ex husband !
We had SD even though I was seriously ill. She cane back when I was in intensive care and had SD 1 night and kept texting DH to have SD !!! I was nearly dead 8 blood transfusions lost our baby girl and this women had been away 16 nights leaving her children behind and was back 1 day and was going in and in at my husband to have SD with me on deaths door literally !!
Then I was home 2 days after and SD was brought round to us to look after.
BM has child maintenance child tax credits and child benefit we had SD 4 nights a week her 3 and we had to buy everything SD needed for both houses as BM refused to clothe her and feed her rubbbish So why should we pay for SD to see her mother ?
It’s just £15 it’s the principal this women was eating starters a steak drinking red wine in the baitrik my daughter works in when she had the choice to eat in 15 other places in our town she can afford £40 meal and then into the pub after she told my daughters boss so why should she pay nothing for her child and live a single women’s life and not finacalky support her own child ? If she can eat £25 steak meal and drink a £6 glass of wine I’m sure she can afford £15 to spend some time with a child she doesn’t even talk to?

Today SD meet her 1/2 sister for lunch she hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and BM rang SD phone didn’t want to speak to SD she had only just saw her other daughter she wanted to speak to SD 1/2 sister she saw 1/2 hour ago = the women is playing nasty mind games with her 12 year old child my SD. She cane into the restaurant where my daughter works on purpose to show us she can drink it’s her life = her words.
She then refuses to speak to SD on her phone and didn’t need to ring her other daughter this women is evil I’m sorry she’s always been controlling hence 3 husbands being attacked and kicked out her house when they didn’t do as she demanded.

It’s not upto me to lay for SD to see her mother it’s down to her mother or my DH, we don’t have joint faunaves we pay 1/2 the bills each I cloth everyone and do everything for DH and BM child I certainly won’t be paying for SD to see her BM that is not my place or my responsibility seeing BM let’s me clothe her child for 6 years as she spent all her child benefit and child tax credits on alcohol and drugs I will not be paying money for a women who can find money to eat like a king in an expensive bistro - it’s her child she has to show her child she loves her that is not our job we are doing well - well I a I am bringing up a child with a mound of my win personal stuff going on -

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:37

@kaytee87 everyone on step parent forum says BM when speaking about the birthmim and tbh no I haven’t adopted her but I am mum to her as her BM isn’t bothering at all

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 13/10/2018 16:37

You need to have child maintenance transferred to you if you’re the main carer for you dsd.

I’d also apply for child miatnenance.

Then I’d set up and pay for contact via a contact centre.

confusedmummy76 · 13/10/2018 16:38

Yabu referring to her mother as "birth mum"

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 16:40

Yanbu regarding the money situation you are being very unreasonable to refer to her as 'birth mother' she is her mother unless you adopt her.

JodieWhittakersBraces · 13/10/2018 16:41

Well... I guess you've made up your mind. I don't disagree with you OP but I don't think you're necessarily looking for advice here

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2018 16:42

kaytee87 Hmm

There’s always one isn’t there. Feel better about yourself for picking on the OP who is taking the place, full time, of the “mum” who wants nothing to do with her daughter and prefers to spend her cash on drink and drugs than bother to be a parent for an hour?

OP, sorry you’re all going through this, how painful for your DSD. It’s up to her to prioritise the money to see her child and if she won’t its not your job to facilitate it when the upshot is inevitable more hurt, confusion and rejection for an already traumatised 12 year old. She’s lucky she’s got you and her dad. Keep being there for her, I’m sure you have more tough times ahead but you’ll get through them.

Make sure you get child benefit registered to you and anything else you’re entitled to. Her mum should be paying child support although I doubt she’ll bother. Put in a claim with the CSA.

Is DSD having any counselling or extra support through school?

Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:42

Thanks for your replies my last comment

  1. I should not lay for BM to see her own child ! I don’t even know why anyone thinks a step parent should pay for they’re step child to see a parent it’s not my responsibility.
  1. I have done more for this child than both her parents I feel not guilt or remorse about not paying for her birth mother seeing her- her birth mother can drink take drugs instead of feeding and clothing her child and doesn’t pay her rent so doesn’t that tell you everything about this women.
  2. We have just found out this mother has got rid of all zzzz personal stuff she no longer has a bedroom at her mothers house when this mother should be fighting her demons tibahiw her child she has a place in her home for her BUT NO
This birth mother as she’s not a mum has rejected her child in every way possible.

So I feel I am doing more than I should I’m the one who does all SD washing cooking cleaning emotional needs and there Sir her every day.
I posted this to see what people though even after you read how bad BM is you still feel I should pay for her mother to see her daughter
This make me sad for society it really does.
This child was brought into the world buy a man and women who wasn’t me I’ve picked up the pieces of her life.

OP posts:
AamdC · 13/10/2018 16:43

Some of the replys on here i can gurantee they would be entirely different if it was a useless "dad" rather than " mum " how many times do people refer "dads" as sperm donor?Hmm

Original poster
Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:45

@kaytee87 a Mum looks after her child doesn’t she ?
Is this mother looking after her child ? NO
Your very young and haven’t lived.

Sorry everyone puts BM on step parent forums so go pick on someone who cares bye bye

OP posts:
SputnikBear · 13/10/2018 16:45

Tbh it’s a blessing in disguise if SD doesn’t see her BM. No, you shouldn’t pay the £15. Either BM finds the money or she doesn’t see SD. Clearly it’s not a priority to her anyway. SD is better if without her, even though she might not see it now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2018 16:46

Oh look, x post with another one.

Ignore the posters gleefully taking a swipe OP.

Some people make shit parents. A proportion of those are women.

How the fuck is the OP remotely in the wrong? Amazing people have more sympathy for the neglectful druggie child abandoner in this scenario than the woman picking up the slack and actually parenting this girl.