AIBU to expect BM to lay for a contact centre ?

[Lalameme]

My step daughter 12 lives with us as her mother BM is an alxhkoic and drug abuser

Her BM pays nothing at all toward SD so my DH said she should pay £15 for a contact centre.

BM said she can’t afford £15 but she’s been seen out drinking and taking cocaine a lot she also cane into my daughters work bistro and had steak and wine !

Thing is Sad is down as her BM isn’t seeing her social services have told DH SD can’t be in BM care or she’ll get taken into child protection, so it has to be a contact centre. We can’t afford to pay for this as we have 3 children living with us and a large rent and BM does not pay anything towards SD.

AIBU thinking BM should pay £15 to see her daughter ?

[Threadastaire]

Is there anyone available to supervise contact? £15 sounds like a room hire rate, unless it's a charitable organisation it would be a lot more than that to have someone supervise. And on another note, contact centres for 12yr olds suck. They're artifical environments with a chaperone and not a lot to do once they're passed the playing with toys stage.
Op, your SD 's mum needs to commit to contact and turn up sober. Your partner needs to either facilitate it or find a friend willing to do it. You need to stay neutral.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I would start by applying to get child benefit transferred to you and go to cms to get maintenance.

And then yes I would pay for the contact centre as that’s what DSD wants. I suspect that contact will soon drop by the wayside given the issues this girls mother has but I think you need to play the long game here. Think about how it will affect DSD if she has no opportunity to see her mum. Is it possible for her to receive counselling through her school? She sounds like she has a rough road ahead of her and will need support.

Teenage years are tough enough but knowing that your mum places more importance on drink and drugs than seeing you will have a terrible effect on her self esteem and feelings of self worth

[Purpleartichoke]

If she is an addict this is a blessing for your step-daughter. When her mother gets her addiction under control enough to come up with the visitation money, it will be a sign that she is starting on the path to being an actual parent. Until then, your step-daughter is better off without her in her life.

[ShalomJackie]

Noone is bashing you or supporting the child's mother - they are merely correcting your terminology. You should not use the term BM that is all.

You are doing the right thing by your SD and clearly love her but you should perhaps be the bigger person. If your SD wants to see her mum then I would pay the £15 (or at least her father should pay) to enable this to happen in the same way you'd pay for swimming lessons, ballet etc or something else she would like to do.

IT would be galling yes but it would be doing the right thing by your SD. If her mother fails to turn up then SD will see the sense in not continuing contact and you'll need to be there to pick up the pieces for your SD again.

Try not to let the hatred you have for her mother prevent you from doing the right thing for your SD>

[Yabbers]

This is nothing to do with paying for a contact centre. This is just you deciding SD shouldn’t see her mum because you don’t like her lifestyle and you are taking care of her daughter.

If the girl wants to see her mum, her dad should do everything in his power to make that happen.

[perfectstorm]

Leaving everything else aside: it's not in the child's interests to see a mother who uses her as a cash cow and can't be arsed to see her. She gets maintenance, child benefit and tax credits for a child she does not see. Social services have said contact has to be supervised (that's very, very rare as an extended, ongoing provision). Sadly, if you paid for a session I doubt the mother would bother to go, but even if she did, how would that benefit your SD?

I'd start the ball rolling for a mediation appointment to get the residence and contact arrangements formally altered, because there's a fair whack of money intended for her benefit that her mum is pissing away while not bothering to see her. She probably won't show, but if you self-rep in a court over this one I can't see how you can lose. Worst case scenario is you pay for a contact centre (which she won't attend, in all likelihood) from the child benefit and possible tax credits. It could mean you get a residence order or whatever the name is now which names you, giving you parental responsibility alongside her mum and dad. That could be handy in medical and educational terms, in this scenario.

It's very sad that her mother is so prey to this but the focus needs to be your DSD and she is best served by you not blocking, but not facilitating, contact. Make her available if her mum can be arsed but don't create a fantasy that she is more fussed by her child than the reality, either.

It sounds a really hard and painful situation. I'm glad she has you. I'm sorry for everyone involved - addiction is a horrible condition for her mum, and it's wreaking havoc on everyone. But focusing on the child here does seem to equal that her mum has to be the one to initiate contact, and you need to ensure money meant for child welfare does in fact go on that.

[TwoGinScentedTears]

Anyone else feel desperately sad for this 12 yo girl?

[Duskqueen]

I agree with you she should find the money to see her DD and it isn't up to you, but I would pay it as a one off and see if her BM turns up. The problem is your SD might see it as you stopping her from seeing her mum and that will out a strain on your relationship with her, at least if you pay it once for her to see her she will know you have tried and that you aren't stopping it, then you put the ball in her BM's court and if she doesn't sort it again then she knows that it is her mum and not you.

[Jakethekid]

It must be a very stressful situation for you, your husband and most importantly your step daughter. You wouldn't be getting so invested and stressed if you didn't care, that's what stands out to me most.

What does your husband say about it all? I was a little bit confused about when you said she stays with you half the week. Was this prior to recently or does she stay somewhere else the rest of the time? I wonder how all this must affect her education. I'm not a step parent but I think the best thing you can do is be open with her and let her know she can always be open with you and her dad. Her mum will feel guilt, if not now, in the future when her daughter has her own children and she isn't involved. People like that never become grown up enough to see past their selfish ways unfortunately though.

Make sure you know that your step daughter IS loved, by you, her father and her half siblings atleast.

I wish you all the best

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

Why would we pay when all this women has done is mad our lives an absolute misery

I haven’t had a penny off my ex in 10 years. He sees his children every week. Contact and maintenance should never be mixed. Be careful your anger at your DSDs mum doesn’t punish DSD.

Either BM finds the money or she doesn’t see SD. Clearly it’s not a priority to her anyway. SD is better if without her, even though she might not see it now

There is lots of research which demonstrates long term, children are better off knowing their parents on a warts and all basis rather than being protected from them or not knowing them at all. Contact should be facilitated as far as possible for as long as the child wants it.

Sorry everyone puts BM on step parent forums so go pick on someone who cares bye bye

No, they really don’t. BM is generally considered an unacceptable term in the context of step parenting. It is a term used in adoption and fostering. Your attitude in this sentence is appalling and sadly, I suspect your poor DSD will be caught between a rock and a hard place and will struggle as a result. Very sad.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

Sorry everyone puts BM on step parent forums so go pick on someone who cares bye bye

This is not a step parent forum and no they do not.

She is your SD's MOTHER.

Your SD wants to see her Mum and I think it is up to You and your dh to help facilitate that in a safe way.

[AcrossthePond55]

Bottom line is.....what is in the best interests of your SD? You may have to reach through your understandable animosity to figure that out. My BFF's ex was a waste of space, but his son loved him. She dug down into her resolve and took him to see his dad. She facilitated visits until the ex's behaviour became such that it was not healthy for the child.

IF I believed that my SD's mother could see her at a CS and have peaceful, non-manipulative visits then I'd pay for it because it would be best for the child to have a relationship with her mother. Perhaps it might even end up making the mother want to clean her act up.

IF I believed that the mother would be under the influence, manipulative, or would be a frequent 'no show' (disappointing the child) then I would refuse to pay.

What you think of the mother is irrelevant. One should never punish a child for a parent's sins. At 12, SD is probably old enough to decide if she wants to see her mum. If she does, and it's not emotionally disruptive, grit your teeth and facilitate it. 'Why should I....' with a list of the mother's behaviour and her spending habits isn't thinking of the child. If SD doesn't want to see her mother, then there's an end to it.

[Flowerpot2005]

I notice you've taken this issue of paying on your own shoulders & are talking about it from a very singular point of view. You, as far as ive seen, haven't discussed what your husband thinks or wants to do.

However, you do seem more intent on venting about the child's mother than doing anything on an emotional/loving level to help your SD through this...at this point. Perhaps that's because to me, you seem completely burnt out with all the stress & upset, who can blame you. Unfortunately, you're taking it out in the wrong people. Best of luck x

[kaytee87]

@Soontobe60 op was told pretty much the same thing on the other thread she started today in step parenting. DSD only moved in with them 6 weeks ago so it's very sad for the poor girl.

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

Agree with @soontobe

[Dollymixture22]

Can I check OP, do you have any emotional or anger issues? Have you sought advice on how to help your husband parent this child, and do you hide your very low opinion of this woman fro her daughter?

tHB your posts don’t demonstrate a lot of emotional intelligence, or kindness towards your step daughter. Just a huge amount of anger at your personal circumstances.

I think this is a call fro your husband, it mispght be b st of you take a step back from the parental access situation and just listen to your step daughter when she needs you.

[diddl]

You say that you wish you hadn't had to see your dad-but your step daughter is asking to see her mum.

Don't her wishes count at all?

[Volant]

If you do pay for the contact centre, realistically how likely is it that the mother will actually turn up? I'd be a bit concerned about prolonging your SD's hopes only for her to go through the disappointment of getting to the contact centre and finding her mother didn't make it.

[Lalameme]

@Flowerpot2005

It’s not my responsibility to pay for her to see her mother it’s her father so I won’t feel guilty about that.

I was made to see my alcholic father I wish I never had to as I know the damage he caused.

This is my last reply there’s some sick peope on this netmukd and I’m out of here


So you who are bashing me

I AM NOT THIS CHIKD MUM
SHE HAS A MUM WHI APPARENTLY IS ILL?
Well I have an illness too never stopped me being a good mum and putting myself last.

Stop making excuses and blaming me.

Imagine if I vanished out the child’s life she’s has no ken care her dad is a workaholic and her mother an addict sonwhis going to lay for her to see her mother ?

Why wouldn’t I be bitter this women had made my life unbearable

Good bye and thanks to the intelligent people who replied glad there’s some of you out there who realise some women take on amounts of problems to aloe sure a child is cared for when they simply could just walk away.

Please don’t bother replying I’m hissing this so won’t see your nasty replies

[Dollymixture22]

Surely the money isn’t for this awfull woman p, it’s for your step daughter?

You clearly have very understandable anger towards this woman, who is a dreadful mother.

However the important person in all this is this poor little girl! Not her mother and I am sorry to say not you, in years to come how would you feel if this girl found out she could have seen her mum, but her step mother refused to pay for it, yes her mother refused to pay too, but I think we have already established she is useless

[Lalameme]

@Soontobe60

I know all about addicts my father was one my brother my ex husband and my friend

No I don’t think SD should see her mother I wish I never had to see my father and my children now adults feel exactly the same about they’re father

So stop bashing me.

I have an illness too doesn’t stop me parenting 4 children does it.

[Flowerpot2005]

@lalameme

Isn't she yours? I think she is & everything you've done has been in her best interests despite all the troubles. You can't pick & chose when she's part of your family. Didn't you say to another poster she was very much 100% part of the family. I think that young lady loves you very much tbh.

As I've said, my view is, the money is for your SD because it's something she needs right now. I totally understand why you feel as you do, it's another bloody slap in your face. BUT in the not to distant future that little girl is going to cry in your arms about it all & be forever grateful she has you.

[kaytee87]

Who's defending anyone