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AIBU to expect BM to lay for a contact centre ?

62 replies

Lalameme · 13/10/2018 12:10

My step daughter 12 lives with us as her mother BM is an alxhkoic and drug abuser

Her BM pays nothing at all toward SD so my DH said she should pay £15 for a contact centre.

BM said she can’t afford £15 but she’s been seen out drinking and taking cocaine a lot she also cane into my daughters work bistro and had steak and wine !

Thing is Sad is down as her BM isn’t seeing her social services have told DH SD can’t be in BM care or she’ll get taken into child protection, so it has to be a contact centre. We can’t afford to pay for this as we have 3 children living with us and a large rent and BM does not pay anything towards SD.

AIBU thinking BM should pay £15 to see her daughter ?

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 16:47

Your very young and haven’t lived.
I didn't realise 30s was very young, that's odd.

I've never seen anyone refer to a non resident father as birth father. Don't like the term sperm donor either FYI. I don't think it's fair to the child, it undermines their relationship with their parent.


Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 16:48

You'd be paying the money for your SD not her mother. Whilst you know it won't make her happy & probably won't turn out well, she at this point doesn't. She's 12 & wants a relationship with her mum despite all the upsetting stuff.


confusedmummy76 · 13/10/2018 16:49

@Lalameme you have posted in aibu not a step parent forum


Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:49

@kaytee87. I don’t listen or care what silly spiel think when they aren’t kivhng what I’ve kived through
Your 100% right this mother is not a mum she hasn’t seen her child in 3 weeks pays nothing for her and plays mind games with a 12 year old is that a mum ? No but some people like to go on and on at other on here and as she has nothing intelligent to add I’ll ignore her.

I do this mother’s jon and father’s job I am proud and I stepped up when I didn’t have to.
This BM in my mind doesn’t deserve any mum or other title she is an egg doner and if I get bashed for that then shoot me.

This women should be thanking me but no she makes threats of volience towards me most women would walked away years ago but I’ve stuck it out Thankyou xxx

OP posts:

Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:50

@confusedmummy76 anytime anyone talks about a mother they call them BM nothing to do with a certain forum

OP posts:

Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:52

Answer me this

Why should I be paying anything ?
I’m not her dad or mother ?

If her mother wanted to see her wouldn’t she pay ?

Simple questions obvious answers

  1. It’s not my responsibility.

2. She’s not my child she has parents with money.

3. Her mother doesn’t want to see her she can afford drink and expensive meals out so if she really w aged her child she would pay .
OP posts:

confusedmummy76 · 13/10/2018 16:52

*@Lalameme *
Sorry everyone puts BM on step parent forums so go pick on someone who cares bye bye. It was you who referred to step parent forums.

Generally the term birth mother is used if the child in question has been adopted, which you have stated isn't the case here. This being said, your husband or the child's mother should be paying the contact centre fee, not you!


Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:54


Is this what a mature women would do keep bashing another women for stepping up and being a person who’s the only one bothering about a young child ?

Please stop commenting on my post you made your point it’s not even important.
A mum looks after her children this ‘muk’ Doesn’t so there is your answer.


OP posts:

Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:55

@confusedmummy76 100% wrong so surf hundreds of threads about step parents and BM
Why do you also keep on and on at me

Does it matter what she’s called !

What matters is she’s not being a mom of any sort to her child

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 16:55

In what way am I bashing you for stepping up and looking after the child?
I said I agree with you about the money situation.
The term birth mother in incorrect if the child hasn't been adopted. You've even said on a subsequent post that she's not your child.


Soontobe60 · 13/10/2018 16:57

What you do have, OP, is a 12 year old step daughter whose mother is, in your words, an alcoholic and drug addict. That's a serious illness, not a lifestyle choice. An illness that makes the sufferer only able to focus on one thing- their next drink or fix. You're very bitter towards her aren't you? It wasn't her fault you sadly lost a baby and became very ill, was it?
You say that your SD wants to see her mum, but her mum can't or won't pay for the contact centre. You should be putting the needs of your DS first before judging her mother. The money should be paid by the people who claim to care for her, i.e. Her DF. Even children of alcoholics love their parents regardless of how they have been let down. Enabling her to see her mum is a kind, compassionate thing to do. Preventing her from doing so by not paying the fee is just cruel. In fact, if she has pocket money, she'd probably pay for the fee herself!
Get off your high horse, and stop letting your complete anger towards this woman get in the way of doing the right thing!


Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:58


Thankyou - amazing isn’t it they defend a drugged up drunk skank who ignores her child and does nothing for her but bash a women who stepped in and does their women’s job

Weird people on here but tbh they are probably the same as theirs women.

Thankyou xx

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 16:59

Who's defending anyone Confused


Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 16:59


Isn't she yours? I think she is & everything you've done has been in her best interests despite all the troubles. You can't pick & chose when she's part of your family. Didn't you say to another poster she was very much 100% part of the family. I think that young lady loves you very much tbh.

As I've said, my view is, the money is for your SD because it's something she needs right now. I totally understand why you feel as you do, it's another bloody slap in your face. BUT in the not to distant future that little girl is going to cry in your arms about it all & be forever grateful she has you.


Lalameme · 13/10/2018 16:59


I know all about addicts my father was one my brother my ex husband and my friend

No I don’t think SD should see her mother I wish I never had to see my father and my children now adults feel exactly the same about they’re father

So stop bashing me.

I have an illness too doesn’t stop me parenting 4 children does it.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 17:04

Surely the money isn’t for this awfull woman p, it’s for your step daughter?

You clearly have very understandable anger towards this woman, who is a dreadful mother.

However the important person in all this is this poor little girl! Not her mother and I am sorry to say not you, in years to come how would you feel if this girl found out she could have seen her mum, but her step mother refused to pay for it, yes her mother refused to pay too, but I think we have already established she is useless


Lalameme · 13/10/2018 17:04


It’s not my responsibility to pay for her to see her mother it’s her father so I won’t feel guilty about that.

I was made to see my alcholic father I wish I never had to as I know the damage he caused.

This is my last reply there’s some sick peope on this netmukd and I’m out of here

So you who are bashing me

Well I have an illness too never stopped me being a good mum and putting myself last.

Stop making excuses and blaming me.

Imagine if I vanished out the child’s life she’s has no ken care her dad is a workaholic and her mother an addict sonwhis going to lay for her to see her mother ?

Why wouldn’t I be bitter this women had made my life unbearable

Good bye and thanks to the intelligent people who replied glad there’s some of you out there who realise some women take on amounts of problems to aloe sure a child is cared for when they simply could just walk away.

Please don’t bother replying I’m hissing this so won’t see your nasty replies

OP posts:

Volant · 13/10/2018 17:06

If you do pay for the contact centre, realistically how likely is it that the mother will actually turn up? I'd be a bit concerned about prolonging your SD's hopes only for her to go through the disappointment of getting to the contact centre and finding her mother didn't make it.


diddl · 13/10/2018 17:09

You say that you wish you hadn't had to see your dad-but your step daughter is asking to see her mum.

Don't her wishes count at all?


Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 17:10

Can I check OP, do you have any emotional or anger issues? Have you sought advice on how to help your husband parent this child, and do you hide your very low opinion of this woman fro her daughter?

tHB your posts don’t demonstrate a lot of emotional intelligence, or kindness towards your step daughter. Just a huge amount of anger at your personal circumstances.

I think this is a call fro your husband, it mispght be b st of you take a step back from the parental access situation and just listen to your step daughter when she needs you.


saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/10/2018 17:13

Agree with @soontobe


kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 17:16

@Soontobe60 op was told pretty much the same thing on the other thread she started today in step parenting. DSD only moved in with them 6 weeks ago so it's very sad for the poor girl.


Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 17:17

I notice you've taken this issue of paying on your own shoulders & are talking about it from a very singular point of view. You, as far as ive seen, haven't discussed what your husband thinks or wants to do.

However, you do seem more intent on venting about the child's mother than doing anything on an emotional/loving level to help your SD through this point. Perhaps that's because to me, you seem completely burnt out with all the stress & upset, who can blame you. Unfortunately, you're taking it out in the wrong people. Best of luck x


AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2018 17:18

Bottom line is.....what is in the best interests of your SD? You may have to reach through your understandable animosity to figure that out. My BFF's ex was a waste of space, but his son loved him. She dug down into her resolve and took him to see his dad. She facilitated visits until the ex's behaviour became such that it was not healthy for the child.

IF I believed that my SD's mother could see her at a CS and have peaceful, non-manipulative visits then I'd pay for it because it would be best for the child to have a relationship with her mother. Perhaps it might even end up making the mother want to clean her act up.

IF I believed that the mother would be under the influence, manipulative, or would be a frequent 'no show' (disappointing the child) then I would refuse to pay.

What you think of the mother is irrelevant. One should never punish a child for a parent's sins. At 12, SD is probably old enough to decide if she wants to see her mum. If she does, and it's not emotionally disruptive, grit your teeth and facilitate it. 'Why should I....' with a list of the mother's behaviour and her spending habits isn't thinking of the child. If SD doesn't want to see her mother, then there's an end to it.


ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/10/2018 17:19

Sorry everyone puts BM on step parent forums so go pick on someone who cares bye bye

This is not a step parent forum and no they do not.

She is your SD's MOTHER.

Your SD wants to see her Mum and I think it is up to You and your dh to help facilitate that in a safe way.

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