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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to my children. Someone has died but we never met him.

120 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 11/10/2018 19:34

I thought about posting this in bereavement but then thought better of it. This is not exactly light hearted but neither does it hold the same seriousness when measured agsinst the loss of a loved one.
About a year ago my iPhone , via the maps app started telling me how far away we were parked from a location with a very amusing name. Think along the lines of “ Rabbit Ron” but funnier. My kids found this hilarious, looked him up and his house backed on to our garden. For a year they have asked “how far away from Rabbit Ron are we today”? ... we were recently queuing for a ride at Alton Towers and the phone piped up we were x amount of time from RR . They are so invested in our little joke they want to walk around and meet Rabbit Ron. His house is literally five minutes from ours. I have no idea why my phone suggests his location or how far away we are from his home but it does.
I found out today “Rabbit Ron” died two weeks ago. I’m honestly sad , I never met him but his name thanks to Google maps has been a part of my children’s lives for a year. He gave us so much laughter.
My aibu is do I tell the children. Either way the reminders still seem to be coming. Do I laugh along or ignore the requests of “how far away are we today Mummy!”.
For context, they lost a much loved Grandad this year. They understand grief but all the same it feels a bit crap. For me as well. What do I say next time Google maps reminds me how far away we are. .

OP posts:
Judystilldreamsofhorses · 11/10/2018 21:12

As a little kid we used to live close to a house that had a load of tat in the garden - windmills, gnomes, stone animals and so on. My dad used to take me on walks to see the gnomes, and I used to wave at the “Gnome Man” who used to sit in his chair by the window. I expect a lot of little kids used to like to see his garden, and he was always in the same seat, always smiling and waving. The Gnome Man died when I was about five, the gnomes vanished, and the house was sold. I was properly gutted - we never ever spoke to him, but in my head he was a sort of friend.

I get what you mean, OP. If I passed by there now, I would still instinctively look for him, although it’s been almost 40 years.

EduCated · 11/10/2018 21:12

Back to the original question, I’m with Lougle’s sensible suggestions.

buscaution · 11/10/2018 21:13

I would probably just say 'aw, budgie Dave's turned his map off.

Excellent suggestion.

lifechangesforever · 11/10/2018 21:15

Clearly the majority of Mumsnet families don't have inside jokes Hmm

Pebblesandfriends · 11/10/2018 21:17

Why would you tell them? They don't need to know. Just invent a new thing and don't mention it again. If it comes up just day he's not there anymore.

clara787 · 11/10/2018 21:19

This thread is beyond words Hmm

GunpowderGelatine · 11/10/2018 21:21

I don't think people are being very kind sneering at and mocking the OP. I get how it's possible to be very sad about this. Through him your family had fun and laughter!

When I was in secondary school (this will DEFINITELY out which School I went to) there was an elderly man who lived in the house opposite the school who would wave to the passing children at the start and end of the day. He'd sit in his bay window with a big smile and wave at everyone, and we'd wave back. He was nicknamed 'Mr Wavealot' (we don't know his real name). The day we were told he'd died people were crying genuine tears. The teachers even announced it in registration. Never met the man but I felt really sad at his death

NoLeslie · 11/10/2018 21:22

Did you say your son is 12? In which case I would tell them. 'Sad news, I found out Budgie Dave has died, even though we never knew him I feel sad for his family' - raise a glass to him at dinner time.

Death is normal, and sometimes we don't teach kids that. They only ever get to know about the horrendous things like tragedies and very close family and friends.

(Unless you have Irish family like mine where all phone calls begin with a list of who has died lately whether you knew them or not)

NoLeslie · 11/10/2018 21:23

Mr Wavealot has got me thinking of the song Old Man Noel. Sad

LenGoodmansPickledWalnuts · 11/10/2018 21:24

Tell them once they're 30. Or 40.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 11/10/2018 21:29

Mr Wavealot. That’s a great memory. X

OP posts:
Imamouseduh · 11/10/2018 21:34

That’s nice dear.

strawberrisc · 11/10/2018 21:38

Maybe find them some new check ins. These arevmy favourites (on FB)

What to say to my children. Someone has died but we never met him.
sonjadog · 11/10/2018 21:40

This really wasn't as hard to understand as a lot of posters here are making out. I reckon telling them that he isn´t showing on the map any more is the best idea. Then when they grow up, you can tell them what really happened. I don't see any point in upsetting them about someone they've never actually met.

Cailleachian · 11/10/2018 21:59

At 12, I'd tell them the truth.

I'd also have a little goodbye ceremony, maybe just light a candle and take 2 minutes for you all to think private thoughts of the happy memories he unknowingly gave you and to wish him a peaceful rest.

It seems terribly disrespectful just to dismiss him and his death in the way that some have suggested. Death, grief and mourning are something that we all experience, and its good to allow children the space and permission to grieve....for they will miss him, despite never knowing him in person.

Haphazardhacker · 12/10/2018 07:24

I completely understand what you are on about. It’s an in joke and a thing you do and I’m a bit sad that there are some on here that don’t have the sense of fun or imagination to appreciate it.
I think at 12 they are more than old enough to understand and handle it (I went to a friends fathers funeral when I was 7, and I’m glad my parents didn’t shield me from funerals like a lot of people seem to do these days).
However with this situation would probably say , “oh he’s turned his location off” that way his memory will continue.

Velvetbee · 12/10/2018 07:42

I don’t think is at all difficult. My phone likes to tell me how far I am from the tree surgeon who lives behind us. A blokes name, though it’s not a funny one and I have met him so it’s never morphed into a family joke.

Tell DC gently, death is just part of life and you can continue your family ‘joke’ in a warm and bonding way. It’s good to recognise how attached we become to habits and place and to talk about how community changes over time.
This man has become part of your family history, don’t lie about him.

BlancheM · 12/10/2018 07:48

Joyless? Fun? Imagination? This is not supposed to be a funny lighthearted thread, as bizarre/amusing as it may be, it's about someone dying.
It's quite disrespectful. Not to mention identifying. We enjoyed having a laugh on your account. Yeah it was great you became a running joke in our family, loved laughing at your expense but now I'm finding your death problematic as I've found the most tenuous proximity to your life....do you in some way hope his wife will read this and find comfort in the joy he brought to you? Because it's insulting actually.

QueenOfMyWorld · 12/10/2018 07:55

Don't tell them just carry on what you've been doing

GrumpySausage · 12/10/2018 08:04

I am genuinely amazed at how humourless some people are when reading threads like this.

My phone does something similar OP. My parents live next to an electrician who has obviously registered his business at his address. His business is his name say 'mike spark'. Because I go to my parents regularly, my phone recognises it as a location and often says 'it'll take 5 minutes to get to mike spark, traffic is light'. This has become a running joke between me and my dh and I often say 'I'm off to see mike!'. It's not side splittingly funny or clever but it is an in joke just like the OP and her children. It is far from disrespectful as a previous poster said. They weren't mocking Budgie Dave personally rather the circumstances their phone presented.

I think honesty is the best option OP. I think at 12 they are old enough to understand and would appreciate the truth.

Shednik · 12/10/2018 08:50

They weren't mocking him! It's not insulting in the slightest.

People on mn are weird. Go and ask people irl who aren't determined to be arseholes.

BlancheM · 12/10/2018 09:02

People on mn are weird
😂 they sure are.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 12/10/2018 12:03

Family in jokes I can get. But it’s fucking weird that they wanted to go to this guys house and that the op was considering posting this in bereavement. You are no more bereaved than when I found out Geoffrey from Rainbow died last week!

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2018 12:14

I’d tell them, OP. It’s nice really, isn’t it, that Budgie Dave who you never met still brightened up your family’s lives? That we can touch people in ways we’d never imagine. I think it’s lovely.

Tell them Budgie Dave has died, so your phone won’t give you that location any more, and it’s a shame. Death is part of life, and they’re old enough to understand. If your children were very young that would be different.

Raise a toast, light a candle, say thanks for the laughter. I don’t think there’s anything disrespectful in that.

cornflakegirl · 12/10/2018 12:40

I think you need to tell them, partly because of what lougle said, and also because if they accidentally made a jokey reference about him to someone who really did know him, it could be hurtful.

Maybe even look out for a small budgie trinket or something that you could keep as a reminder of what he unknowingly meant to your family. It might even be helpful to them to be able to talk about someone dying where there isn't their own grief or yours attached to the experience - someone where it's safe to be sad because it won't be overwhelming?