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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about Hen Do?

57 replies

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 11:30

Background:
We have been friends since starting university 12 years ago, had lived together for a year, been on holiday just the two of us together. I've considered her one of my best friends and she has referred to me as that before too. She was the maid of honour at my wedding a few years ago.
Basically, I am hurt she didn’t invite met to her hen do and was wondering if I am being unreasonable to think I would have been. I asked her a few months ago if she had plans for it (partly so I could put it in my diary),and she just said she was having a small hen with a few friends. I did feel sad about that, but she has a group of friends from where she grew up who are her bridesmaids, so I could understand it might just be them.
Recently the photos went up on facebook and... It really wasn’t that small. I mean it wasnt huge- maybe 12 people? But definitely more than I would have thought from her description.
I don't really think there is anything I can do- it is her wedding day next week and I have no intention of making a fuss so close to it. I think for the day I'll try and have as good a time as possible. But possibly post wedding it might be worth telling her I was hurt? I don't know, I think it is likely she doesn't feel as close to me as I did to her and maybe I should just accept it.

OP posts:

ShartGoblin · 11/10/2018 11:41

That's a tough one. If it was me, I probably wouldn't say anything and accept that the friendship isn't what I thought it was. I would feel pretty sad though as it sounds like she's given you no reason to doubt her before this.

Could there be another reason you weren't invited? My friend lost a bridesmaid because she didn't invite her to the hen do. Her logic was that it was clubbing and the bridesmaid was heavily pregnant, she didn't dislike her she just didn't think that it would cause upset.

Original poster

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 11:55

@ShartGoblin Thanks for your response.
Possibly- I think they went out clubbing, which I am only do occasionally, so she may have thought I wouldn't enjoy it...

OP posts:

MiniCooperLover · 11/10/2018 12:07

It's the not being asked that's hurtful isn't it

ErickBroch · 11/10/2018 12:12

This sucks I am sorry. I would be very upset but agree, would not bring it up before or after the wedding. I think it is pretty obvious that she does not value the friendship or see it the same as you do. I feel really sorry for you honestly, but confronting her won't do anything. Take time to heal and continue as you were, but value other friendships more.

Cric · 11/10/2018 12:17

Could it have been something organised as a surprise for her and so she wasn't expecting it? Maybe her work friends organised something?

justfloatingpast · 11/10/2018 12:22

Do you think there's a possibility that she didn't really want a hen do, a couple of friends from her home town were pressurising her to have a night out with them, and it escalated when she agreed. It may have been the friends who invited the others along, and she had no choice but to go with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 12:25

It does suck, and it tells you that she does not value you as a friend as much as you value her. Not having you as BM and not asking you to the hen do is crap. That would be a dealbreaker for me, it would make me not want to go to the wedding tbh. Really shitty from a supposed best friend.

elessar · 11/10/2018 12:33

There's quite a few potential factors at play here. You say you were very close in the past - are you still or has your friendship drifted as you've got older? I assume you aren't a bridesmaid for her?

Do all the other hens belong to one friendship group? If so she may have felt you'd be left out or maybe wouldn't gel well with the rest.

And only you could answer this, but there could be something you do that might make her hesitate to have invited you - for example if you had a tendency to drink too much, or get stroppy on a night out, or want to go home early if you don't much like clubbing?

It's not unreasonable to be hurt or to ask her after the wedding, but be prepared you might get an answer that you might find hard to hear.

ConkerGame · 11/10/2018 12:45

I’m sorry OP, that really sucks. How long ago was she your MoH? Did she seem happy to take on that role? And have you stayed close since then or grown apart?

YWNBU to ask her about it a little while after the wedding. I would probably phrase it as something like “I’m worried I’ve done something to upset you as I wasn’t invited to your hen - please could you let me know if I have, so I can put it right?” Then if you have done something without realising you can apologise. If not though then I think you just need to accept she doesn’t consider you as close a friend as you consider her and I would pull back from the friendship a lot.

WhichSchoolForDS · 11/10/2018 13:10

Of course YANBU to be upset. It does sound quite thoughtless of her not to include you when she was your maid of honour. I think it's fairly obvious you were going to be hurt. It is possible that she only included one particular group of friends and didn't want to have the hassle of mixing in other people who wouldn't know each other. Still if I were her I would consider my other friend's feelings and maybe arrange a separate night out with you or at least explain.

Of course don't say anything before the wedding but I think it's fine to ask her about it after it.

SEsofty · 11/10/2018 13:13

It’s awful when you realise that you think someone is a more important friend to you than you are to them.

Original poster

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 13:22

Thanks for responses. I'll try and answer the various questions :)

I don't think it was a surprise, as she knew where she was going, but it is possible that on of the Bridemaids or MoH was in charge of the guestlist. But It wouldn't have been a surprise to her as I wasn't invited, because I asked quite a while before the event if she was having one, so obviously knew nothing about it.

The other hens were a mix of the bridal party and other women- it seemed quite a mixed group. I have met most of them before.

I am pretty certain she would have wanted a hen party, rather than being reluctant about having on- she hasn't explicitly said that to me, but she posted a few things about being excited for it on Facebook, and I guess she is the sort of person who would want to do a hen do (sorry that's a poor way of wording it, it's not meant to sound negative- I just mean from knowing her, I would be very surprised if she wouldn't want one)

I'd don't think I haven't behaved in a way that would mean she wouldn't invite me, but I'll reflect on it- I agree asking her opens me up to the possibility of hearing something difficult to hear.

She was my MoH three years ago, and she was really enthusiastic/touched about it. I hadn't thought our friendship has changed since then- we have both had quite busy periods in our lives since then (moving cities, travelling, buying a house, job changes), but have made an effort to be in touch and meet up fairly often.

I think I might follow @ConkerGame's suggestion. I hate confrontation and tend to avoid it where I can, but I think asking gently might be a way to stop me wondering for years later what the hell happened!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 13:28

It sounds as though you see her more of a best friend, than she does you. Were you hurt not being asked to be bridesmaid.

Original poster

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 13:32

@Aeroflot- I think you are right about her not seeing me the same way, which makes me feel a bit pathetic really.
I was hurt not to be asked, but her bridesmaids are all friends from where she grew up, and kind of come as a group, so even though I felt sad, it also made sense.

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 11/10/2018 13:33

Some people don't like mixing groups of friends, it's awkward and affects enjoyment as you feel 'responsible' for everyone getting on. Just spoil her for her wedding, be there for her.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 13:41

Go to her wedding, maybe reassess the friendship afterwards. Take a step back from her, and spend time with other friends. No, its just hurtful that someone who we thought was a best friend, does not see us in the same light.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 13:43

Even if she did not like mixing friends, she could have told op, and maybe do something with her and some uni friends or something. Did the bride not think that her close friend would be a) hurt at not being asked to be bm and b) not invited to her hen do of all things.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 13:43

On my hen do i had a big mix of friends, from school, uni, recent friends, so does not make sense.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 14:08

I am surprised she invited you to the wedding st all tbh. It's events like these, that let you know where you stand with friends.

Clothrabbit · 11/10/2018 14:18

She sounds quite insensitive, and a bit lacking in social skills. Has she done stuff like this before?

Ellapaella · 11/10/2018 14:40

Don't make any presumptions OP - just ask her. If she's been a good friend in the past she won't mind you asking and will probably be mortified to know you're upset about it.
Give her a chance to explain/apologise. She may not realise how hurt you will be by this.
Do you live near by? If not she may have thought it would be too far for you to travel, she might not want you to have felt obliged to spend all that money on a big night etc as well as the wedding etc.
Just ask her.

Witchofwisteria · 11/10/2018 14:48

Sorry that you are hurt, I don't have many friends so this would of upset me greatly, especially if she was your maid of honor. I personally would feel too embarrassed to admit I was hurt, just move on and accept the friendship was not what you thought it was.

Original poster

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 15:27

@ClothRabbit she has been a bit rubbish with things like birthdays in the past- for my 30th she cancelled on me the day before the party because she was going 'to Brighton for a little jolly with friends' Typing that now has made me feel I probably should have seen this coming!

OP posts:

Fiveletters · 11/10/2018 15:34

I’d be sad too and I think I’d have to ask. But given the story about your 30th she doesn’t even sound like a good friend, let alone a best friend.

Clothrabbit · 11/10/2018 15:36

To be honest, after that update re your 30th I would write her off as a selfish and pretty lousy friend. You sound too nice for her and deserve better.

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