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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Hen Do?

57 replies

KTkaleidoscope · 11/10/2018 11:30

Background:
We have been friends since starting university 12 years ago, had lived together for a year, been on holiday just the two of us together. I've considered her one of my best friends and she has referred to me as that before too. She was the maid of honour at my wedding a few years ago.
Basically, I am hurt she didn’t invite met to her hen do and was wondering if I am being unreasonable to think I would have been. I asked her a few months ago if she had plans for it (partly so I could put it in my diary),and she just said she was having a small hen with a few friends. I did feel sad about that, but she has a group of friends from where she grew up who are her bridesmaids, so I could understand it might just be them.
Recently the photos went up on facebook and... It really wasn’t that small. I mean it wasnt huge- maybe 12 people? But definitely more than I would have thought from her description.
I don't really think there is anything I can do- it is her wedding day next week and I have no intention of making a fuss so close to it. I think for the day I'll try and have as good a time as possible. But possibly post wedding it might be worth telling her I was hurt? I don't know, I think it is likely she doesn't feel as close to me as I did to her and maybe I should just accept it.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 11/10/2018 15:56

Well yeah that update changes tho ha completely.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 15:56

Yes seeing your update now about your 30th birthday, that was pretty shitty of her, and obvious she would rather spend time with her other friends and she had a better offer. I would just distance myself from her after the wedding and just spend time with other friends.

Ellapaella · 11/10/2018 15:56

Changes things

Honeyroar · 11/10/2018 16:12

Yes that update underlines that she isn't treating you very well, and perhaps doesn't think of you as as much of a friend as you do her. Not nice when you realise that. I've had a few friends like that over the years. How would she feel if you suddenly had a better offer on the day of her wedding, I wonder??

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 16:14

Honeyroar I was thinking just that actually, would rather stay in with a good box set, then go to a wedding of a friend who does not value me.

Sunnyday1203 · 11/10/2018 16:18

OP Your friend sounds horrid. She would be deleted from my life, you deserve much better from a friend let alone a "best friend" the 30th birthday is piss take.

Oblomov18 · 11/10/2018 16:28

The 30th update changes things and she doesn't actually sound like someone I'd want to be friends with! Take comfort OP, you're worth more than this.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 16:30

I bet if you look back over the years, there will be a lot of little tell tale signs like this.

Angrybird345 · 11/10/2018 16:38

I think she’s distancing herself from you. Sorry.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 16:47

I'd personally be ill with a bug or flu, and just leave the friendship. To you she is your best friend, to her, you are a friend from uni. It is shitty not to invite you to the hen do, really it is, no excuse. If she could get away with it, she would not have asked you to her wedding either.

Honeyroar · 11/10/2018 16:50

@aeroflotgirl the trouble is, if you don't go at the last minute you'd be as bad as her. I think I'd go to this, but never put myself out in the slightest bit for her ever again.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/10/2018 17:14

What she did to op, not inviting her to her hen do, is shitty, and by that point I would not care less if I were in op shoes. As if op won't notice, and be offended, espcially when she has been asking when it is, and then to do that to her, shitty as hell.

Original poster
KTkaleidoscope · 12/10/2018 08:25

Thanks everyone.
It's the wedding tomorrow, and I can't quite bring myself to pull out at the last minute, as tempting as a sofa and a boxset is! On the plus side, I am working from home today, so I can spend the day with a face mask/hair treatment on, and have a loooong pamper in the evening so I'll feel as ready as I can for tomorrow.

Post wedding- well, I think I do just have to accept the friendship isn't what I thought it was. I am sad about it, but I think it is the truth. I think I will try and talk to her about it though, as I have found when I have tried to ignore stuff that upset me in the past rather than face an awkward conversation, I have come to regret it.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to respond, it really helped clear my head a bit, and also helped me feel like I wasn't being unreasonable for being upset.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2018 10:32

Just try to plaster a smile on your face, you might meet people you know, just chat tothem. Maybe leave early, don't stay right until the very end.

livefornaps · 12/10/2018 11:09

Hey you know what I would do?

If you've got her a gift - keep it.

Write a very bland card.

She'll never know if it got separated from the gift and she won't dare ask

Then tomorrow take EVERY freebie going, don't hold back - if they've budgeted 2 glasses of fizz pp and 3 canapes take 5 and 10(...!!!)

Be the life and soul

Then sash-ay away, daaaaaarlink

elessar · 13/10/2018 07:18

Hope it goes ok @livefornaps - come back and update us Smile

elessar · 13/10/2018 07:19

@livefornaps sorry I meant @KTkaleidoscope ! Blush

UserName31456789 · 13/10/2018 07:29

Sorry OP it does sound like to her you're just a nice friend from uni but not a priority. I think it was really unkind of her not to invite you on the hen night, you don't sound like the kind of person who would have been a difficult guest and it's obvious you would have been upset. I would just back off from the friendship - she's just a friend who will come out with you if she doesn't have a better offer. You'll never be her priority.

UserName31456789 · 13/10/2018 07:29

I love livefornaps's suggestion! Grin Good luck OP.

pictish · 13/10/2018 07:30

I feel for you. It is horrible to realise that a friend you think of highly and who means a lot to you just isn’t actually that bothered about you in return.
The thing about friendships is that although they can and do endure throughout the years, they are also just as likely to be transient and shifting in prominence. You probably were a close and valuable friend back at uni and even beyond...but over time her priorities and circumstances have changed and you no longer feature in her life or awareness as you once did. It won’t be anything you’ve done or even a slight upon you in any way...but life has changed and so have her relationships and priorities. You have fallen by the wayside somewhat and it’s a shame...but it does happen.
Sorry you’re feeling sad about it. It IS sad and one of the sucky things about life. Xx

Hellywelly10 · 13/10/2018 07:39

I would leave after the speaches.

LoudJazzHands · 13/10/2018 07:51

I think I'd not bother going and see if she contacts me to ask why. Her reaction - or lack of - will tell OP everything she needs to know.

pictish · 13/10/2018 08:02

LoudJazzHands - isn’t that a bit childish? Putting anyone to a silent test is a hiding to nothing as really isn’t a very mature way of dealing with things.
It’s a case of accept that she is no longer the close friend she once was or talk about it. Those are the choices. Playing games is for kids.

underneaththeash · 13/10/2018 08:49

I think that's really odd OP, surely you invite your women friends who are attending your wedding to your hen do.

I wonder if they are into something that she knew that you wouldn't be into or approve of like drugs or picking up men? Might make more sense tomorrow when you meet the other guests, ask around and she who else was invited. IME people who are into clubbing drugs are usually not averse to taking a couple of lines at a wedding and if some of the hen party guests look like they've been partaking, it may explain your non-invite.

pictish · 13/10/2018 09:09

“I think that's really odd OP, surely you invite your women friends who are attending your wedding to your hen do.”

Not neccessarily or even commonly. There’s no rule on that, even unofficially. It depends on the hen do and the wedding.

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