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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I too harsh? What to do now...

100 replies

ASundayWellSpent · 11/10/2018 11:23

In my early twenties I was friends (ONLY friends) with a guy, and from that his partner too. They had a young daughter who I used to visit regularly, help out with small things as and when. At the time I was earning OK money working in a hotel while studying, with almost no outgoings. So when he asked me to borrow 50€ for a week, I gave him 100€ and said I would ask for it back when I needed it, no worries.

Skip forward two years, I got married to DH. They were invited to the wedding including daughter, had ordered special menu for her, high chair etc sitting on a table with other friends. They bailed last minute. Like the day before. I can't even remember the excuse now as at the time I was too busy and focused on other things (it wasn't illness or an accident anything major like that) so just said ok no worries and didn't really think about it too much more.

About 9 months later, now with a daughter of our own, DH and I found ourselves short before the end of the month, so I messaged friend and asked for the 100€ back within the next two weeks. Explained how it was urgent due to not being able to pay rent. Instead of saying no, or explaining he kept saying yeah yeah and arranging to transfer or meet me and then not following through, so it wasn't until the v last minute that he admitted he didn't have it and I had to sell our telly instead.

It felt so hurtful that he had let me be in trouble, when I had helped him out. Part of me thinks, if he didn't have the money what could he do? At the time I just told him I was disappointed, that he had let me down and ignored him from there on out. Didn't feel majorly upset over it all, just chalked it up to experience and put him on the "not real friends" pile.

Fast forward five years and last night at 1am I got an email from him asking to get in touch, that he wanted to know how we were and left me a phone number. I know through the grape vine that he has had a second child, as have we. We did used to be good friends and have a laugh, so now am wondering what to do...

Part of me thinks I haven't missed his friendship in these years and he did leave me on my arse with the loaned money. And another part of me thinks we have all grown up now, situations are different and it might be nice to get back in touch.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

oldmum22 · 11/10/2018 13:58

Proceed with caution

chocatoo · 11/10/2018 14:03

I'd meet up and see what happens with the friendship. One of my first things to say would be ' you owe me a very nice, expensive lunch!' and see what he does. He sounds regretful - see what his actions are like now after his years of reflection.

GlassSuppers · 11/10/2018 14:04

Just read this thread.

I'd be very wary. He's not going to ask for anything on the first message.

Have your wits about you OP. Tread carefully.

IndieTara · 11/10/2018 14:10

I had a similar thing Op. split up with fiancée a number of yrs ago and we sold our house so I had some money.
Quite a few people asked to borrow money inc one of my then very best friends (£2000)
He wanted it as he was moving down South. Promised to pay it back within a certain timescale.
He moved. I heard nothing for months so got in touch only to find his number didn't work.
I tracked him down to where he worked but never managed to get hold of him.
We've never spoken since

alphajuliet123 · 11/10/2018 14:14

God there are some negative people on here.

His message made you smile after all these years, of course you should try and see him, get the nice expensive lunch and catch up! Let us know how it goes!!

Dillydallyingthrough · 11/10/2018 14:18

I would contact him, you could always cut contact again if he asks for money.

Something similar happened to me, a friend contacted me after no contact for 10 years. Her friend had died suddenly, and it made her realise how much she missed our friendship but also how short life is. We have been in contact ever since. To be clear, she didn't contact me as a shoulder to cry on, she had grieved already she just wanted to continue our friendship.

yellowspottedwellies · 11/10/2018 14:21

Omg there are some serious narrow minded people on MN.

What I've picked up on so far is, that a friend asked for £50, and you gave him £100 (he didn't ask for the extra £50)
If he was in a financial bind you actually added to his problems by increasing his loan.

If he couldn't pay you back when you needed it; he would have been embarrassed and couldn't face you properly with the truth.

I think you're both in the wrong here. I think you need to mentally cut his debt to you in half, back to what he actually asked for. The extra £50 was something you added because you were flush at the time. It was a nice thing to do. But expecting him to pay it back when he was already strapped was a bit much.
Secondly. You probably shouldn't have waited for so long before asking for it back - He is in the wrong also - he shouldn't have waited for you to ask for it - he should have made sure he paid you back when he could, and thus would have wiped out the potential for a fall out.

Years later he's desperate to get back to where you both were friendship wise as you're all fully-grown-family-owning-adults now and life is too short to fall out over £50!

Get back in contact.
Value the friendship and never lend anyone money again.

It's been a harsh lesson for you all - but now you have the opportunity to start over.

Haworthia · 11/10/2018 14:23

Call me cynical but I think he has some gall to call you up after all these years of no contact, expecting to be best buddies again. Money aside, they snubbed your bloody wedding.

Life’s too short for shit friends.

ElectricMonkey · 11/10/2018 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 11/10/2018 14:35

In this particular situation, I'd just ignore him. And consider those 100€ lost.

However, I think you need to revisit how you lend and recoup money.
Not a good idea to give more than what you're asked, and don't get it back when you need it, but as soon as they can pay it.

Also, try to save some money, so that you don't need to ask people for as little as 100€.
You could have received the money when he could pay it, and safeguard it in a savings account for a rainy day. Much safer.

Live and learn.

SandAndSea · 11/10/2018 14:38

OP, your update brought a tear to my eye. I'm so glad that you're giving him another chance.

The reason I thought you should get the money back is because firstly, I think he should offer it and secondly, I thought it might remain an issue between you if you didn't. However, if it's not an issue for you then don't worry.

alphajuliet123 · 11/10/2018 14:47

Tell him to do one
Be very wary
Run a mile
Proceed with caution
Don't get sucked in

Jesus, what has happened to some of you to view life with such suspicion? Even if his reasons aren't genuine I'm sure the OP isn't a total fuckwit who will hand cash over on a whim.

Do you know if he's still with his partner? As a previous poster said it's possible she had an issue with the friendship (because some people just don't believe platonic friends can be a thing, probably the same sort of people looking furtively over their shoulder being suspicious of everything and everyone)

ElectricMonkey · 11/10/2018 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Westwing1 · 11/10/2018 14:53

I would ignore. Block his number and get on with my life. He's not a friend.

alphajuliet123 · 11/10/2018 15:02

Lots of us can spot fakery and bullshit a mile off.

What, without knowing the OP, the friend, the tone of voice on the message, their history, their memories, their good times? Perhaps lots of you just think/assume you can spot fakery and bullshit a mile off. Glass half empty and all that.

I'm not naive (though I am an optimistic person who tries to see the best in others, because it's just a nicer way to be) and if his reasons are nefarious you bin him off again. But is it not worth giving what was a good friendship another go, especially as the reasons for falling out aren't exactly world-stopping? Of course it is. One more chance. Nothing to lose. Glass half full.

trojanpony · 11/10/2018 15:32

Another proceed with caution

Lweji · 11/10/2018 15:56

Nothing to lose.

Quite a lot to lose, actually. Particularly if he's setting himself up to present the OP with a sob story at some point.

The question is, why has he reached out to you at this specific point?

Havaina · 11/10/2018 16:21

If I had messed up like him I would be making a gesture to prove I was sorry, like saying 'please text me your latest blank details, I'll ping over the £100 to you right now, and send me your address so I can send you something for a thank you.'

The absence of a gesture is telling.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 11/10/2018 16:56

Life’s too short for shit friends.

This.

If he said to any of you, give me €50 and call it a gift, would any of you hand it over? Surely not, yet this is what the situation is until it is returned.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/10/2018 17:48

He still owes you the bloody money. I’m gob-smacked he can send a fishing message without any mention of repaying you!

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/10/2018 17:48

I meant gushing, but fishing could be apt!

CinnaMessala · 11/10/2018 18:14

I’m completely gobsmacked that you’d even think about inviting him back into your life after that message. So it’s been on his mind, he thought you may have been evicted due to him .... and yet no offer to actually pay you what he owes you.

User.

This is not how decent people apologise for a mistake.

straightjeans · 12/10/2018 08:22

Everyone is going on about the cash. What about the wedding he bailed on the DAY BEFORE.

straightjeans · 12/10/2018 08:24

Also if this money has been on his mind, he could have sent it at ANYTIME during the last few years. Maybe he couldn't afford the 100 bucks at the time, but he has had years to save up. Nothing?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2018 13:03

I'm glad you contacted him. You're both older and wiser now and will be better able to judge whether this 'new' friendship will be one you want to keep. I hope it is for both of you.

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