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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I too harsh? What to do now...

100 replies

ASundayWellSpent · 11/10/2018 11:23

In my early twenties I was friends (ONLY friends) with a guy, and from that his partner too. They had a young daughter who I used to visit regularly, help out with small things as and when. At the time I was earning OK money working in a hotel while studying, with almost no outgoings. So when he asked me to borrow 50€ for a week, I gave him 100€ and said I would ask for it back when I needed it, no worries.

Skip forward two years, I got married to DH. They were invited to the wedding including daughter, had ordered special menu for her, high chair etc sitting on a table with other friends. They bailed last minute. Like the day before. I can't even remember the excuse now as at the time I was too busy and focused on other things (it wasn't illness or an accident anything major like that) so just said ok no worries and didn't really think about it too much more.

About 9 months later, now with a daughter of our own, DH and I found ourselves short before the end of the month, so I messaged friend and asked for the 100€ back within the next two weeks. Explained how it was urgent due to not being able to pay rent. Instead of saying no, or explaining he kept saying yeah yeah and arranging to transfer or meet me and then not following through, so it wasn't until the v last minute that he admitted he didn't have it and I had to sell our telly instead.

It felt so hurtful that he had let me be in trouble, when I had helped him out. Part of me thinks, if he didn't have the money what could he do? At the time I just told him I was disappointed, that he had let me down and ignored him from there on out. Didn't feel majorly upset over it all, just chalked it up to experience and put him on the "not real friends" pile.

Fast forward five years and last night at 1am I got an email from him asking to get in touch, that he wanted to know how we were and left me a phone number. I know through the grape vine that he has had a second child, as have we. We did used to be good friends and have a laugh, so now am wondering what to do...

Part of me thinks I haven't missed his friendship in these years and he did leave me on my arse with the loaned money. And another part of me thinks we have all grown up now, situations are different and it might be nice to get back in touch.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
almondfinger · 11/10/2018 11:59

He got in touch at 1am and left a cryptic 'call me' message. He's more trouble then he is worth.

He had your bank details, he never transferred the money.

If he was wondering how you were and wanted to get back in touch, would a text at an normal time with a bit more of the 'Hi OP, haven't seen you in years. Would love to hear from you and maybe catch up' be the more usual method?' Or pick up the bloody phone.

This 'I want to get in touch with you so can you call me?' would get my back up. You want to get in touch with me, you pick up the bloody phone and do the legwork...

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2018 12:00

I'd guess the wife has left and he's feeling lonely and sad and wondering where it all went wrong and who can he dump his load of angst on.

My guess also, Juella.

Howhot · 11/10/2018 12:03

I can't under why other posters are suggesting he wants money when he only ever asked for £50 nearly 8 years ago Hmm you have both been unreasonable but he should have paid you back as soon as he could afford it. I don't think I'd reply tbh

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2018 12:04

This 'I want to get in touch with you so can you call me?' would get my back up. You want to get in touch with me, you pick up the bloody phone and do the legwork...

This also.

He wants money, or a shoulder to cry on, or something - this isn't a disinterested contact. There's something in it somewhere for him.

Someone else suggested that you say something like "Yippee! Be lovely to see you. You can repay me that €100. Here's my bank details."

See what happens.

sockunicorn · 11/10/2018 12:06

i would have to reply just to see what he wants! my bet is his marriage is broken down and he needs a favour

TheOrigFV45 · 11/10/2018 12:09

"Hello Old Friend, I got your text. I was very surprised to receive your text after all this time. Can you tell me what prompted you to get back in touch with me?".

He wants to talk to you, he can jolly well give you more info.

greendale17 · 11/10/2018 12:13

Shows you what kind of a person he is as he has had years to pay you back the money but hasn’t bothered.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2018 12:14

I will differ from the other responses. It's highly unlikely after five years he's getting in contact to touch you up for more cash,

But maybe he's not well, or something is wrong. I'd probably call him and see what it's about. You don't have to resurrect the friendship.

Badtasteflump · 11/10/2018 12:20

I would be highly suspicious - why ask you to call him? And why at 1am?

I doubt he's planning on paying you back now or he would have said so, so I would ignore.

TomHardysNextWife · 11/10/2018 12:21

Hm I think I'd talk to him, but I would proceed with a lot of care.

I had a male friend that I adored, we were the best of friends until I lent him money. That he never gave back. It was such a kick in the teeth, as he knew it left me short. When he tried to get in touch later, I more or less replied that " I miss you but I can't be friends with someone who still owes me money. If you are going to repay the debt, then we have a chance of building a friendship again but if not, then there is no even ground". Never heard back.

3luckystars · 11/10/2018 12:24

He has won the lottery and wants to pay you back.

Definitely!

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 11/10/2018 12:24

I’m too nosy not to get in touch. Very rude dropping out of the wedding with a days notice though.

Twentyseventrombones · 11/10/2018 12:27

If someone messages you at 1am they’re either drunk or unable to sleep as they’ve got some issues... maybe money problems.

100% this ^.

I suppose there is a tiny chance it could be a time zone difference (He's moved to Australia kind of thing) but doubtful.

And especially after a long break. 1am email = no good comes from that.

Absla · 11/10/2018 12:28

You were good enough to give him the money as soon as he asked, so requesting it back within 2 weeks is fair enough as far as I’m concerned. It doesn’t sound like this guy has any problem other than being selfish and a user. He’s probably contacting you back as people have said for something, most likely not your money but your time. In which due to his behaviours, he does not deserve. You should surround yourself with like minded people, who would do for you what you would for them. I would reply, to know. 100€ is 100€ he has TWO YEARS to pay it back! You should NEVER have asked for it back, he should have been a decent bloke and paid it back!!

Original poster
ASundayWellSpent · 11/10/2018 12:30

Thanks for all the responses, definitely given me food for thought!

Just to answer a few questions; I thought the fact that her family had money and they were close was relevant because, to me, that meant he did have a way of getting hold of it, rather than see his friend and her family be evicted.

I really don't need the money now, so it hadn't really occurred to me to ask about it now! Guess that's how I got done over in the first place...

Why did I give more than he asked for? Because I had it, didn't need it, and he needed it for his daughter. Though when it was the other way around that didn't seem to bother him!

Why did I give only two weeks notice? I know that wasn't great, honestly. In my defence, those two weeks panned last and first weeks of month so was hoping he would get paid in that time. Was mostly hurt that he lead me on to think he had it, leaving me no time to make other arrangements when at the twelfth hour he said "no, actually..."

Think I will message in a "Hey saw your email, long time, what did you want?"

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 11/10/2018 12:31

I don’t think you can let a debt go for 3 years and then ask for it with 2 weeks notice. He should obviously have paid you back timeously but you’d let him believe for years that the debt could drift indefinitely.

That said, if you do get back in touch don’t lend any more money!

MrsStrowman · 11/10/2018 12:34

If I loaned someone money and didn't ask for it back for three years, I'd consider it written off. YABU especially to give him only two weeks notice. So yes I think you were too harsh.
He should've paid it back shortly after borrowing it, you should've only given him the 50 he asked for, and you shouldn't have written off a friendship if it was one, over something so absurd. It's now years later and you still seem hung up on it.

SandAndSea · 11/10/2018 12:35

You can't give someone 2 weeks notice to pay money back from years ago

^^ Completely agree with this.

You also over-lent to him in the first place. He only asked for 50 - you gave him 100. Then you left the loan hanging over him indefinitely and expected to be able to call it back at your convenience?? It sounds like you both mismanaged this loan situation and he certainly wasn't responsible for your later financial problems.

I would have been upset over the wedding though - that was poor form on his part by the sounds of it. These things happen though.

From what you've written, I think I'd give him another chance. Be honest with him but own your shit and ask for the money back.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2018 12:36

As said, it could be he's in trouble, possibly he's very ill and looking up old friends I don't know but I'd maybe tread cautiously. The " what did you want" is quite harsh really and implies you think he is only getting in contact becayse he wants something,

Original poster
ASundayWellSpent · 11/10/2018 12:39

Fair enough, I accept that asking for it back the way that I did was U by majority! Am honestly not hung up on it at all though, hadn't given it a second thought for years until cluster feeding in the night and seeing the email pop up! My reaction was to message straight away, then stopped to think... and ended up asking all of you!

OP posts:
Havaina · 11/10/2018 12:40

If he had any integrity, he would have got in touch with you to pay you the £100.

He wants something that's for sure.

For your own sanity, ignore him.

If you want to confirm your suspicious, get in touch to see what the wants (but only if you're sure you won't get sucked in).

And please update us :)

Juells · 11/10/2018 12:42

I don't think it was unfair to ask for that money back at two weeks' notice - it was an emergency for you. You helped him when he needed it, and now you were in a bind.

SandAndSea · 11/10/2018 12:42

I love it when an OP says, "Fair enough"! Good on you!! Smile

Juells · 11/10/2018 12:43

Lenders always have much better memories than borrowers, I've noticed. Odd that... Hmm

Talith · 11/10/2018 12:43

I think you've every right to give two weeks notice if they've had three years to sit on it!

I'd get back in touch but at the first whisker of grabbiness delete and block and cut them off.