Was I too harsh? What to do now...

[ASundayWellSpent]

In my early twenties I was friends (ONLY friends) with a guy, and from that his partner too. They had a young daughter who I used to visit regularly, help out with small things as and when. At the time I was earning OK money working in a hotel while studying, with almost no outgoings. So when he asked me to borrow 50€ for a week, I gave him 100€ and said I would ask for it back when I needed it, no worries.

Skip forward two years, I got married to DH. They were invited to the wedding including daughter, had ordered special menu for her, high chair etc sitting on a table with other friends. They bailed last minute. Like the day before. I can't even remember the excuse now as at the time I was too busy and focused on other things (it wasn't illness or an accident anything major like that) so just said ok no worries and didn't really think about it too much more.

About 9 months later, now with a daughter of our own, DH and I found ourselves short before the end of the month, so I messaged friend and asked for the 100€ back within the next two weeks. Explained how it was urgent due to not being able to pay rent. Instead of saying no, or explaining he kept saying yeah yeah and arranging to transfer or meet me and then not following through, so it wasn't until the v last minute that he admitted he didn't have it and I had to sell our telly instead.

It felt so hurtful that he had let me be in trouble, when I had helped him out. Part of me thinks, if he didn't have the money what could he do? At the time I just told him I was disappointed, that he had let me down and ignored him from there on out. Didn't feel majorly upset over it all, just chalked it up to experience and put him on the "not real friends" pile.

Fast forward five years and last night at 1am I got an email from him asking to get in touch, that he wanted to know how we were and left me a phone number. I know through the grape vine that he has had a second child, as have we. We did used to be good friends and have a laugh, so now am wondering what to do...

Part of me thinks I haven't missed his friendship in these years and he did leave me on my arse with the loaned money. And another part of me thinks we have all grown up now, situations are different and it might be nice to get back in touch.

Thoughts?

Forget the money now, it's been too long. Unless he offers of course, or if you're chatting about "what went wrong" you can say it pissed you off. Joke that he owes you a meal out or whatever. I wouldn't directly ask him for it in cash though, what, 8 years later? Nah.

Worth another chance so get in touch, nothing to lose. I had a good male friend at uni, fell out, made up, pissed me off at my wedding, lost touch, and just as I was wondering how he was I found out he had terminal cancer and was not able to communicate any more. He died without us settling our differences and I regret it. Message your friend back, a friendly "hiya how's tricks" and see what he has to say. Good luck!!

He'll have forgotten all about the little unpleasantness last time you were in contact, and he's been going through his little book to see who he hasn't hit up for a loan recently.

I'd want to know what he wanted and why he didn't come to the wedding, and to have the money back before I even considered meeting him. 1am smacks of opportunism (unless he's in a different time zone). After all of that I think he needs to be giving you chapter and verse.

Additionally, if you're content I just wouldn't rock the boat by getting back in touch with him.

I don't think it was wrong to ask for the money withing 2wks if you needed it within that time scale.

He'h had almot 3yts hadn't he to pay it back/put some aside.

I'd be tempted to message back-"if it's not to pay back the money I lent you then I'm not interested".

Probably best not to get drawn back in though if you're not bothered abiut the friendship after all this time.

Juells I agree, two weeks notice of an emergency is actually quite a bit of notice and that’s not factoring that they were due to return the favour/money to you anyways.

I'd really want to know....would reply, but with my finger hovering over the block button lol, in case he's being ridiculous!

I can't under why other posters are suggesting he wants money when he only ever asked for £50 nearly 8 years ago

^ This!! It's not like he was constantly borrowing money and never paying back and owes the OP thousands!

And also don't understand those posters suggesting the OP still ask for it back and to send her bank details to him

I think asking for it back almost 3 years later was unreasonable.

Also, what's the relevance of the wedding anecdote OP?

I'd probably message back to find out what he wants but I'm nosey like that.

My guess FWIW is that his wife never liked you and was suspicious of your friendship, hence why he never helped you out and lost contact. He now has relationship problems and is free to rekindle the friendship or is wondering whether you might be a new relationship option.

And also don't understand those posters suggesting the OP still ask for it back and to send her bank details to him

Well he owes it to her, he will always still owe it until the day he pays it back.

It's her money, she's not being cheeky in the slightest!

I would find out what he's after. And yes you didn't give him much time to find 110e but it was an emergency. And he could have just said no giving you more time to find it from somewhere else. Not a great situation. But given he was flaky with your wedding too I can see why you cut contact.

Still, time has passed, find out what he wants. and then tell us

I think your plan to contact him by email and find out a bit more about what's going on first is a good one and will give you more time to think about it and suss out what is going on and if you want to get caught up in it all again. There's no reason you have to pick up the phone immedately. I don't think he would expect to borrow money after all these years. its more likely that something has happened and he feels he needs a friend to talk to and remembers you. Or perhaps he feels bad about the friendship breaking up. Sometimes when people have young kids they don't have time to do much more than get through the day and time flies by so quickly. It could be as simple as that.
You were not being unreasonable asking him to help you out of emergency by repaying the debt, as you had done the same for him. Doesn't matter how much time passed. Messing you around and then not paying up is unreasonable. So is missing your wedding with feeble excuse. I wouldn't demand the money back in first contact - that seems a bit agressive but I probably would bring the subject up and say how hurtful it was and then maybe ask for it, as it clearly still rankles. Worth finding out or you will never know. I hope his motives are good and you rebuild your friendship if that's what you decide you want. Best of Luck

I guess for me the bottom line at this point would be do I want the friendship back? Other than the loan, was he (and his wife) a good friend and someone who added positive things to your life? Do you miss spending time with him?

Owing someone money can make people act weird. Maybe the reason they bailed on the wedding was because they were embarrassed? And having wealthy in-laws doesn't mean you have generous in-laws. In fact, quite the opposite in a lot of cases. If getting money from them was that easy, he'd have asked them for it instead of asking you.

I tend to be 'let bygones be bygones' for small(ish) things when it comes to friendship. If at this point I didn't need the money and the person added to my life I'd probably get in touch just to see what they wanted and then take it from there. If he apologized for not paying the money back I think at this point I could just forget it. Obvs if he asked for more money or tried it on because his marriage was over or on the rocks I'd terminate the conversation with a 'have a nice life'.

I think you sound like a lovely, generous friend. No wonder he misses you!

FWIW I think you were within your right to ask for the money - you gave loads of notice and the guy stitched you up.
The wedding thing was bloody rude too.

I think havaina’s advice is good.

As a word of caution I has a similar but different “getting back in touch with a lost friend” and ultimately they were a shitbag a second time around too and really hurt my feelings so I would proceed with extreme caution as you sound caring, generous etc and from what you have written he seems to have a different value system.

Good luck whatever happens

Lenders always have much better memories than borrowers, I've noticed. Odd that... hmm

This is true. But even people who are meticulous about repaying money can go wrong sometimes.

My sister once paid for a meal at a restaurant, but paid the whole thing so I couldn't pay my share with a card. I then said I would give her the cash later as I didn't have cash on me. She didn't say anything, and unfortunately I completely forgot to pay her. Clean forgot.

A year later she brought it up very angrily. It seems like she had resented it all that time. All she had to do was send me a quick text to remind me.

The kicker is that I often paid the whole bill when we went out for dinner with mum and never took any money from her.

There's no way I'd ask for my money back after all that time. I know you said you'd ask when you needed it but basically it sounded like you were not that bothered about it at the time and therefore he took it as you were helping him. After all these years he was probably shocked abd taken aback you even asking and probably embarrassed to admit they were skint too so didn't have it. The friendship shouldn't be about the money imo.

Well he owes it to her, he will always still owe it until the day he pays it back

Yeah I get that, but he's sent her a message asking to talk, albeit out of the blue, it's pretty damn rude for the first reply to be 'oh, you finally have my money? Here's my bank details, thanks'

Also it's been 8 YEARS...honestly I'd hate to be the kind of person to hold onto something for so long, I'd have to let it go for my own sanity.

I think YABU. I once asked a friend for £10 in desperate times for electric and some food. She gave me £50, said she wouldn't see me struggle and to just get her a bottle of wine or something when I was better off. A few weeks later she started sending demanding text messages saying she needed the £50 back and how could I take the piss? I never asked for £50, I asked for £10 to see me through a couple of days. WTF? Haven't seen her since.

If I say to somebody 'pay it back whenever you can' it means I don't want it back but I don't want it to feel like charity for them. You were not BU to ask for help but you were very U to ask for your "loan" back after such a long time.

If you want to be friends with them them forget the money and reply to the message.

There is a high chance, he misses your friendship and just wants to reconnect.

Money situations are hard. I hate lending as I always feel awkward about asking for it back and once had a situation where the friend turned on me and said I owed her anyways. Anyways, I didn't let that ruin the friendship, have gone on to be friends with her for another ten years, recently lent her £70, made it clear I'd need it back and as soon as she got paid she sent me £80. So people can change.

With this situation, I'd send a warm email back. If you ask what he wants? He may get defensive.
If he needs something and you're really warm, he'll ask pretty soon and you can weed him out.
If he doesn't and just wants to reconnect, you can decide on that yourself.
Either way, I'd probably write off the 100 euro and be very careful who you loan to in future.
I always like to help people but I struggle with money myself so it always stresses me out!

I think YABU. I once asked a friend for £10 in desperate times for electric and some food. She gave me £50, said she wouldn't see me struggle and to just get her a bottle of wine or something when I was better off. A few weeks later she started sending demanding text messages saying she needed the £50 back and how could I take the piss? I never asked for £50, I asked for £10 to see me through a couple of days. WTF? Haven't seen her since.

So you just took the £50 and never even gave her a bottle of wine? And when she asked for it back you ghosted her? You're the CF here, not your friend.

Ok so I went for a mid way of contact, didn't call like he asked, but didn't email either. Send a whatsapp just saying "hey, saw your email from last night, long time, what's up?"

He answered straight away with a voice note (which I bloody hate!) saying "oh my god I can't believe you actually got in touch, I genuinely thought we would never speak again! I'm so sorry for what happened, please forgive me and say you managed to find the rent, its been on my mind for years, I kept asking Friend Y about you to make sure you were ok (we live in a country where a months late on the rent means eviction, no messing around). Your DDs are beautiful (from my profile pic) I can't believe how grown up DD1 is and DD2 is the image of you! Please say we can be friends again, we've got so much catching up to do, I have a DS now, and since he's been born I haven't been able to stop thinking how sad it made me that you would never meet my son. Thank you so much for writing, it means the world".

So. Despite what some PPs interpreted from my OP, I'm genuinely not tight, not one for holding a grudge, and not one for giving mental space to anything that isn't good for me.

Maybe I'm being a mug, but I reckon I'm going to give the friendship a second try. I was younger and less understanding back then, and the urgency of my situation made me a lot more pissed off with him than perhaps was necessary! Also it seems that most think I was U for asking for it back in that way in the first place, so maybe we both behaved badly.

Defo won't be lending him any more money! But from his message I think he sounds genuinely regretful, and it did make me smile to hear him after all these years. :)

Thanks for your advice everyone, really helped me get my thoughts in order! Good old AIBU :)

"its been on my mind for years, "

But not enough to keep in touch/pay you back!

Well forewarned is forearmed as they say, so if things start taking a direction that you don't like, you can stop being friends.

Just be careful, OP. He can take advantage of you in more ways than just monetary.

Still no mention of the £100...

If you do meet him, have enough cash to pay your share of the bill and don't sub him. And don't him kip at yours.

Sorry I but I think YABU. You don't lend someone who is struggling more than they ask for to pay back at an unspecified later date then drop the bombshell 3 years later you need it back within 2 weeks or you will be evicted.
Maybe he was stringing you along as he was trying to gather the money to give you? Most people have life commitments that mean they can't just pull £100 out in 2 weeks!
Also regarding her parents having money maybe they don't just hand out cash, fair enough taking them on holiday or even buying gifts, but that doesn't mean they would give them money if they asked

Havaina it was a couple of weeks! I didn't want to waffle on with too much detail but unfortunately I didn't become a millionaire overnight and I didn't have even the £10 to give back after such a short amount of time. I was drowning in debt, didn't have a pot to piss in. She knew this. I'd bought extra food and electric with the money. I was very grateful and thanked her profusely I didn't just snatch it off her and skip off into the sunset. I tried to get in touch with her several times but she ignored me. What else was I supposed to do?

Money lend
To a friend
Lose both
In the end