To have given DSD the box room?

[SarahH12]

Earlier this year DP and I bought our first house. We moved from a very small rented 2 bedroom house to a much bigger 3 bedroom house.

DSD barely spent any time at all in her room before we moved here so we gave her the box room and let her decorate it how she wanted (paint, curtains etc). We then used the other spare room as a sort of dumping ground / office (I'm studying and DP often works from home).

DSD is approaching 7 and tends to now spend a lot of time in her room. She spoke to me a few weeks ago and was a bit upset as she said her room is a bit small to play in. I feel bloody horrible that we have given her the small room now.

Our thinking at the time was that she's only here every other weekend plus half the holidays (a week at a time) and she barely used her last room to do anything other than sleep. I tend to study most evenings and DP works from home at least once a week so we thought we'd get most use out of the bigger room.

Were we unreasonable to give her the smallest room? We can't really afford to decorate the bigger room if we switched them around now.

Can you sell her the idea of a high sleeper with fold-out bed underneath so she could have friends to stay over in future?

If she's only there EOW it might not happen anyway!

“I do personally spend a fair chunk of time studying when she's there, especially when she's in bed. I'm not sure if that's relevant though?”

I just wondered if it was possible that she’s feeling like she could use more attention and has decided it’s the room’s fault?

Or reading your later posts if she’s just feeling a bit hard done by because she’s got the smallest room in both houses?

Basically I’d be talking to her about how she’s feeling more than it being literally about the room.

I that she spends more time playing in the living room because her room is very small. It's just a box for sleeping.

My 9yr old has the box room with window he doesn’t get a choice as his two sisters share the larger room. He has a high sleeper with large wardrobe/desk under and a separate set of draws and still had floor space to play should he wish too.

If a highsleeper is too high/blocks the window what about a life sleeper instead? They tend to be around window height so lock the window obviously. High enough for a child to sit under or have draws etc under freeing up more floor space.

Mid sleeper not life.

Also you can pick up metal ones for around £30 on Facebook.

My worry would be that when you eventually have your own DC are you going to let DSD keep the bigger room when she is there part time.

Your DC then gets stuck in the box room full time?

I wouldn't give her the bigger room.

Ds' room is about that size, with the additional problem of a stair box. It gets messy very quickly, I am about to get a load of Ikea furniture to maximise the space. Thought of a high sleeper or cabin bed but I like lyi g down with him for bedtime too much - you won't get me up a ladder!

That's a shame. Perhaps if she had the bigger room at the home she's at most of the time, the smaller room at yours wouldn't seem a problem?

@diddl - I totally agree with you that it is a shame. But it's definitely not our place to tell her Mum how to run her home. I can't imagine even considering giving her the boxroom if she was here permanently though. If custody ends up switching in the near future, we'd just have to make do, move her into the bigger room and find a way of making it work.

I just wondered if it was possible that she’s feeling like she could use more attention and has decided it’s the room’s fault?

Hopefully not. We do try and spend at least one of the days out of the weekend doing family things. Or on days we can't manage that she genuinely seems to like helping us do things like prepare food, sort the washing out etc bizarre child as apparently her Mum never lets her do it so she loves doing it here And of course we do make time to spend playing games, building Lego, making jigsaws etc as well as helping her with her homework.

Or reading your later posts if she’s just feeling a bit hard done by because she’s got the smallest room in both houses?

Could possibly be that.

Basically I’d be talking to her about how she’s feeling more than it being literally about the room.

@tabulahrasa I've tried to answer your questions above. I've tried talking to her about her feelings but she finds it really difficult expressing herself. So far all I've got out of her is that she's bothered about struggling with space to have teddy bears picnic.

I do wonder from that perspective, where she's trying to cram herself into a teeny tiny space for the teddy bears picnic at the end of the bed, would a mid sleeper with one of those tent things around the edges help. Such as this (yes I know the cost doesn't include the bed but it's just an example)

www.ebay.co.uk/i/401462780378?chn=ps&var=671127376316&ul_ref=https%253A%252F%252Frover.ebay.com%252Frover%252F1%252F710-134428-41853-0%252F2%253Fmpre%253Dhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.ebay.co.uk%25252Fi%25252F401462780378%25253Fchn%25253Dps%252526var%25253D671127376301%2526itemid%253D671127376301_401462780378%2526targetid%253D475551285242%2526device%253Dm%2526adtype%253Dpla%2526googleloc%253D9045383%2526poi%253D%2526campaignid%253D1485611183%2526adgroupid%253D59026619218%2526rlsatarget%253Dpla-475551285242%2526abcId%253D1139356%2526merchantid%253D9544274%2526gclid%253DCj0KCQjw6fvdBRCbARIsABGZ-vR9QusWDu495DUz1wzelmUnUjIFUkOJYg5KeXq4qqeKcAKdKjV1MvcaAmi8EALw_wcB%2526srcrot%253D710-134428-41853-0%2526rvr_id%253D1700313291694%2526rvr_ts%253D64e839bb1660ac3c0fc36033ffff93fe

My worry would be that when you eventually have your own DC are you going to let DSD keep the bigger room when she is there part time.

Well yes but then it hardly seems fair to use that as a reason considering we're a couple of years off even trying yet plus then obviously baby stays in our room for a while so she'd be 10 by that point. It hardly seems fair to stop her having a bigger room when a baby wouldn't need one until she's 10 assuming we conceived quickly at our hypothetical ttc point

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, future, as of yet non-existent DC are definitely not the reason she hasn't got the bigger room.

Hopefully not. We do try and spend at least one of the days out of the weekend doing family things.

Rereading that it didn't come out quite right. What I meant was we try and spend at least one day out and about with her doing fun stuff. The other days/ times we do of course interact with her, play with her etc as well as drag her along food shopping once a weekend too. Basically I think we have a good balance of adult oriented and child oriented activities.

When I said I do a lot of studying when she's here, most of it is when she's asleep either later at night or very early in the morning (joys of being an insomniac). And if I do happen to be studying when she's around and awake then her Dad isn't working and he's interacting with her.

“Rereading that it didn't come out quite right.”

It was fine

I wasn’t really meaning to grill you about what you do with her when she’s there. Just kind of musing because how children feel about things isn’t always how they actually are. They can feel ignored when that really isn’t what’s happening.

My youngest hated me being out when I went to college while she was at school, for instance, I think in her head she wanted me at home waiting for her, lol, and so she felt a bit abandoned... even though she wasn’t there either.

So I just was wondering if she’s feeling a bit miffed about something and the room is a tangible something she can complain about.

Doesn’t sound like a typical box room as there is plenty of space to play. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Can you move the bed around or arrange the furniture so she can drape blankets from one piece of furniture to another? My 12 yo still does this given half a chance and she has a big room! Or a canopy (ikea). Or join in the tea party and request it be moved to the ‘space’.
Keep the bigger room as a study until you finish your course.

She must have about 1 m x 3 m of empty floor space.

Then, it’s not a box room.

I have two dcs. One has the big room, the other the box room.
When they were little, they were always playing in the big room as yes, ther wasn’t enough room in the box room.
Could it be a solution for you? She sleeps in the box room but has access to the bigger bedroom when she is there. With, of course, the condition that she tidying up afterwards!