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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband will probably lose his job next week

88 replies

Sickandtired02 · 10/10/2018 23:40

And when it does the shit is going to hit the fan.

Background- my husband has been suspected twice in the last 8 month's. First time for fucking around with a work friend over the company email system. This time for wasting company time and basically not doing his job.

We have a 2 year old dd and our 2nd baby due early next year. I am majorly pissed off with him he knew the last time I wasn't happy with him for being suspended I told him to keep his head down do his hours and earn his money and look for a job he wants in the mean time. He's done nothing to look for a new job continues to piss ass around doesn't take his job seriously and has now wound up being suspended again. This wouldn't be the first job he has been sacked from.

Over the last couple of months things have been a little strained I just can't cope with the stress he brings to the household. His poor work ethic and his sheer laziness. His excuse for not helping out so much is that he works but about 6 months ago he dropped his hours to part time because of a medical problem with his back.. I will admit we had some strong words over that as I feel like I didn't have any say in that at all.

I work from home and care for our dd i dont earn mega money but what I get does afford us a couple extra luxuries a month nothing big think along the lines of Netflix membership, a take away or 2 a month or a meal out and a couple of other small non essential things.

Aibu to feel like if dh loses his job next week I might actually leave him? I dont want to be with someone who is going through life being such a loser and I dont want his attitudes towards working to rub off on our children.

I know I took vows for better or for worse but I just dont feel proud of him and I feel like he has not only let himself down but also his family. It's like he didn't give a flying fuck about us when he was at work being the office clown.. how long will it be til he realises his colleagues aren't laughing with him? None of them are sat suspended pending a disciplinary hearing.

Think the whole thing is one fucking joke and I think he is a joke aswell. I feel nothing but anger and resentment.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 11/10/2018 09:28

The money. Is a concern. If you dont like living on the edge then definitely dont tie your future to this man.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2018 09:29

Is he selling drugs? That's a very unusual update.,,,

Snog · 11/10/2018 09:29

Great advice to get yourself a full time job and have him provide the second income around childcare

Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:29

But why is it easy money? What the hell is he doing? Whatever the source though which I do want to get to the bottom of it doesn't give him the right to leave his job or deliberately get fired that's our security for all I care he could have thousands I dont know about it's not about how much money is has its whether he is willing to work hard or not I dont find an unemployed bum attractive.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 11/10/2018 09:35

Weirdly enough, I would actually not focus on the money...because that takes the focus of you getting rid of him. If you boot him out, you wouldn't have access to that 12 grand in cash anyway, so just forget that it even exists.

I would boot him out and change the locks. The flat is in your name anyway. Use the benefits calculator that a PP posted for you and start planning to pick up more work. You'll probably find that you'll be able to afford things just fine without him when you start counting benefits and you'll be less stressed worrying. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:35

I dont don't think he knows anything about drugs neither of us have ever been into anything like that. At first I thought it was the money we had put back trying to save for a car but then i found that money seperately in the same envelope i put it in and it's not anywhere near that amount! I've been saving for 6 months I've managed to save up just under 2000 as my car isn't going to make it through the next mot but this money in the lockable box was totally seperate cash. I dont know what to make of it but I did think if he was hiding something he wouldn't pull that out in front of me he avoided the question when I asked him.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 11/10/2018 09:39

Seriously, I wouldn't focus on the money even though it feels really weird and shady. That large amount of cash would make me distrust him as well, especially if he's not telling you where it originated. If anything, think of it as future child maintenance money if need be, but I would put it out of your head and get him out of your home.

Cath2907 · 11/10/2018 09:39

I didn't leave my husband back when he first got fired 12 years ago. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Left him this weekend for basically the same issue. 12 years and long periods not working, lots of jobs lost and me carrying the financial can. You'd not be unreasonable to be leave imo.

Rhiannon13 · 11/10/2018 09:40

Just a few days ago he pulled out a lockable box it had around 12 grand in it

How much?? He doesn't come across as the type to successfully rob a bank so he's very likely to be taking out loans (hugely likely, in fact). Is it possible these could be secured on your house? I'm beyond appalled that you haven't asked for evidence of where this money is coming from!

Smurfie12 · 11/10/2018 09:40

Just a thought, has he maybe had an exceptionally good win with gambling and decided that it its in cash in the house it takes temptation away from gambling with it. Have you asked him outright where the money has came from? Sorry if you have already said and I've missed it. You both need to be brutally honest with each other and more importantly listen to what each other is saying, if deep down you still love him and can see a future with him and your children its worth fighting for, but only you can make that decision once you have all the facts

Merryoldgoat · 11/10/2018 09:41

Wtaf? You know this isn’t normal, right?

Plus you don’t have a good budget - you’d understand all funds coming in if you did. You just have a list of expenses. That’s not a budget.

Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:41

Oh I dont want any access to that money or want a penny of it because I dont know where it came from. I told him If wasn't going to tell me where it came from he could get it out of my house I dont know where he hides it otherwise I would check it isn't here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:46

Apologies what I meant was I thought I had a good budget in place off both wages all bills were paid and all essentials covered. I think he is still gambling but not from his own account. If I had to hazard a guess id say off his friends account.

I know it is not normal.

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 11/10/2018 09:48

I know this is such an unhelpful comment, but I see this situation all the time on mumsnet... Why have another child with him if you knew what he was like? Honestly not being goady just trying to understand why so many do.

But yes, I would run. Cant see what he brings to your life.

Rhiannon13 · 11/10/2018 09:50

he avoided the question when I asked him

How can you possibly consider bringing up a family with a man who has such a huge lack of respect for you? You'll be doing absolutely the right thing if you decide to end it. Please don't put up with this crap.

ShatnersWig · 11/10/2018 09:52

Well that's one HELL of a drip feed from a first time poster.

Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:59

Filthy I know you're not being goady to be honest I've asked myself the same question I feel stupid for putting myself in this situation but I dont regret my dd or my current pregnancy.

A pp asked if dh has any good points and I will say that in terms of just being a dad he is a pretty good one as in he takes Dd out on a regular basis, he spends time with her at home he sits and plays with her and spends time teaching her things the way he is with his child is not where my problem lies it's the way he is with me and giving me help it's great he does all those things for dd but when it comes to making sure dinner is cooked or clothes are clean or the house isn't a mess he is worse then useless I've tried telling him that there's more to being a parent then playing tea parties and reading a few books.

I think many women like myself see their dc as something good in their life and a distraction I throw myself into trying to be a good mum. I'm not saying this is a right answer but it's an honest one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 09:59

I'm not a first time poster I've just nc

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 11/10/2018 10:04

Well OP it is obvious he does not want a normal job and has something else planned. The question is if it is something dodgy are you prepared to put your children through police breaking your door down at 6am in the morning or daddy getting arrested and carted off for who knows how long.

I guess you need to sit down and demand to know what his plan is and whether you can live with what he has planned for your future.

And as someone else suggested, you go and work and he be a stay at home dad until her can grow up enough to realise he has just as much responsibility in providing for the family as you do.

Whatever you decide it is your decision to make at the end of the day, but you have to think about what impact it will have on you emotionally as the way we feel and react has a huge impact on our children.

Juells · 11/10/2018 10:07

I wouldn't trust him to be a SAHP looking after children. You need to be a responsible person to do that.

Sounds like you dislike him, and with good reason.

MatildaTheCat · 11/10/2018 10:11

That kind of cash is extremely likely to be coming through drug dealing or a similar level of criminality.

I would ask him to leave if he won’t explain himself to you. Of course he’s making himself unemployed, he’s too busy elsewhere for a real job.

FishesThatFly · 11/10/2018 10:16

I told him If wasn't going to tell me where it came from he could get it out of my house

So has he gone then? No point making threats if you're not going to carry through with them

loveka · 11/10/2018 10:16

It really does sound like he's gambling.

Has he maybe got into gambling on stocks and shares on the internet? There can be massive wins on that.

Original poster
Sickandtired02 · 11/10/2018 11:33

If he is doing anything illegal I would call the police myself I dont have time for criminals and dh knows my views on this so for that reason gambling seems the more likely of the 2 but surely he can't seriously think gambling is a way to make a living?? I've had a good search around the house for the money box and I can see no sign of it here he was out early this morning as he took dd to a local toddler group I had some work to do so I've been able to snoop around in peace I haven't found any evidence of anything I have noticed he has changed the password on his laptop though not that I have really any right to go snooping through his personal computer.

I hate what this is turning me into I feel wrecked with anxiety and that's not me at all I'm usually a really strong person and snooping isn't the sort of thing id usually resort to.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 11/10/2018 11:42

Has he maybe got into gambling on stocks and shares on the internet? There can be massive wins on that.

He does seem to have all the attributes of a modern day George Soros.