To refuse an apology?

[JellieEllie]

Just wondering whether I'm the one in the wrong or not in this situation.

Someone close to me has said some very nasty, disturbing and disgusting things about me to someone else close to me whilst they were having an argument. These things are not true and are things that they knew would definitely hurt me if I found out.
Of course the other person has told me to outline how much of a cunt the other one can be.
I have spent the last couple of days reeling and feeling very hurt and confused about why this person would be so awful about me, especially when we get on so well and have a very good bond usually.
It has now come out that these things were only said in order to hurt the someone else (the one who told me), and that they don't actually believe the things they've said about me and that they shouldn't have said them.
They have bollocked the other person for showing me the messages and said it's their fault I am upset as the messages should never have been read by myself.
I have now received a message of apologies saying that they never meant to hurt me, that they care deeply about me and didn't want to cause offence: they only said what they said out of anger in order to piss off the person they were arguing with.

I have not responded to the message nor have I accepted the apology. What they said about me was just too cruel and it opened my eyes to the person that they truly are.

Apparently now because I won't accept the apology it has been said that I am in fact the one being difficult now.
I haven't responded again because I would rather just walk away from that person now and have no kind of relationship with them.

So AIBU? Should I accept the apology and pretend everything is fine or am I right to be stubborn and dig my heels in?

YANBU to forget her. Who has the time for that drama? When people show you who they are - believe them the first time. Onwards and upwards - don’t get drawn back in.

YANBU!!!!

Someone being sorry, irrespective of if they actually mean it, doesn't magically undo the hurt caused in an instant.

Depending on circumstances its a first step to rebuilding a relationship.

I'm in a similar situation. It's my fault that I reacted badly to being slagged off behind my back and don't want to be around the person doing it.

I think the expression is 'fuck them'.

YANBU

Fuck them. They would be dead to me. You don't need someone this vile in your life.

Well I'm definitely glad that I am not the one in the wrong.
If it helps, the nasty person was my MIL (not actually by law though) and the person who told me was my BF.
Difficult to walk away from someone involved as much as that but also something I'm prepared to do!

My partner has an extremely toxic relationship with her and actually doesn't bother with her at all, whereas I have always tried to keep the peace, I make an effort with her, spend time with her and I defend her a lot even when she hasn't deserved it.
I have wanted her to feel like she has a friend in me so for her to attack me during an argument with him and actually say the things she has said really did upset and shock me.
She now thinks that I'm wrong for not accepting her apology and has told me as much as well as the rest of the family, my partner is backing me and says I'm fine to just block her out now.
Just a shame isn't it really that people can act this way and then feel put out because they haven't gotten away with it.
I don't bloody know; families eh!
Thank you though for the messages makes me feel a little better!

Omg, how awful! This was your MIL?! Delete that toxic viper right out of your life.

You don't have to accept an apology if you don't want to. And given that MIL said these things to hurt your BF, there's no guarantee she won't try the same trick in the future.

If she's as bad as you say, the apology is meaningless anyway.

An apology is offered, and as with all offers, it can be refused.

You and your partner are on the same page and blocking her, especially with his support for that course of action, is the way to go. Sounds like it will make life a lot nicer.

I would ignore her going forward. She really isn't worth the space in your life.

What a nasty bitch she sounds! Block her. I don’t know how she dares make out you’re the issue, that’s pure deflection.

Yeah sorry I didn't want to mention her in original post cause I know how usual MIL posts can go. I wanted to know if it was just a someone and a someone would the end result still be the same.
Yes she's not ever been like that with me before like I said we have had a good relationship so it was just hurtful.
She can be nasty about other people but I didn't think she would ever turn on me considering I've never done anything to offend or upset her.
I think the relationship needs to end. If I could write the things she had said about me I'm guessing people would say I should never speak to her again for as long as I live but they are too outing especially if any of the other family are on here!

Just ignore her. If she can behave later, several months or a year later, you could review it but she sounds like a nasty piece of work
It will make life harder for your dp if you cave in, let them run their own family,,keep out of it.some things can't be fixed

So she gets to run around shouting her mouth off in anger, and to be hurtful. But then says a little sorry and it’s all supposed to be forgotten?
She sounds so toxic and manipulative, you are both better off without her.

Yep yanbu to ignore the false apology and have nothing more to do with her. Sometimes saying sorry after the event just isn't enough and this is a case in point. Toxic people are just that, they poison everything and everyone around them and best avoided.

So she has apologized (and I use that term loosely) but she is placing the blame not on herself as the person who said vile things about you, but on your BF because he showed you the messages ? That's not an apology, it's a cop out. She's not sorry she said those things, only that you found out. I'd cut her lose in an instant and good riddance.

If only I could screenshot the message she sent and post it on here to show what she said about it being his fault for showing me 😂

It sounds like she’s angry at being found out and is now trying to manipulate you. The scattergun blame thing is just a way to deflect the fact that these were her words but she now wishes to disown them (whether you’d seen them or not she still wrote them; whether she meant them or not she still said them). This isn’t anyone else’s fault, only hers. There is no requirement to be guilted into accepting an apology. You’re not being ‘difficult’ - you’re just not buying into her bs. She’s shown you who she is and it isn’t a very nice person.

Don’t fall for it. She’s not interested in having a decent relationship with you.

If you don't accept the apology you will remain bitter. If you want nothing else to do with friend, accept apology and move on.
Either way, you win.

Just think how she might do it again. You will never trust her again now. Don't give in to her. Remember what Janet Street Porter says - Life's too Fucking Short.

So it's his fault for telling you what she said, and now it is also your fault for being unreasonable and not accepting her apology.

She sure likes to shift the blame, doesn't she? What a despicable character.

Just seen it's mil, same advice.
Accept the apology and move on, happily nc

If she had just said little things that were a bit petty then I would have no problem accepting they were said to wind the other up.
But instead she's delved into my very being, she has hit extremely sore points with me, things I've had years and years worth of therapy for and the things she said are completely unforgiveable. It's not that I'm bitter about her saying them, it's the stuff she's said.
She can say all she wants that she didn't mean it but as a pp said, she said them out loud. It makes me think she's always felt this way about me and has kept me close to either piss off my partner or to secretly oversee everything he's doing and make me think I can trust her.
It's just a shit feeling to now be told that I'm the one who's being stubborn by not accepting her bullshit. He didn't tell me to cause trouble, he told me because he was also extremely upset that she tried to use things against me that I've had no control over. She's brought up my past and the way things used to be for me (upbringing, family issues, mental health issues and so on) even though all of these things are no longer a part of me and I moved on a long time ago.
I'm so glad other people are telling me to just fuck it all off because I really am the type of person that shut someone out and never look back if they hurt me.

Saying sorry doesn’t erase what she said, she still said horrible things. Ofcourse you don’t have to accept her apology and don’t feel bad about it either