To refuse an apology?

[JellieEllie]

Just wondering whether I'm the one in the wrong or not in this situation.

Someone close to me has said some very nasty, disturbing and disgusting things about me to someone else close to me whilst they were having an argument. These things are not true and are things that they knew would definitely hurt me if I found out.
Of course the other person has told me to outline how much of a cunt the other one can be.
I have spent the last couple of days reeling and feeling very hurt and confused about why this person would be so awful about me, especially when we get on so well and have a very good bond usually.
It has now come out that these things were only said in order to hurt the someone else (the one who told me), and that they don't actually believe the things they've said about me and that they shouldn't have said them.
They have bollocked the other person for showing me the messages and said it's their fault I am upset as the messages should never have been read by myself.
I have now received a message of apologies saying that they never meant to hurt me, that they care deeply about me and didn't want to cause offence: they only said what they said out of anger in order to piss off the person they were arguing with.

I have not responded to the message nor have I accepted the apology. What they said about me was just too cruel and it opened my eyes to the person that they truly are.

Apparently now because I won't accept the apology it has been said that I am in fact the one being difficult now.
I haven't responded again because I would rather just walk away from that person now and have no kind of relationship with them.

So AIBU? Should I accept the apology and pretend everything is fine or am I right to be stubborn and dig my heels in?

For someone to comment and say something, they must first think it. Your MIL does indeed believe the things she has said. Her mistake was putting it into text, so now she can't deny it, she is trying to turn the tables and play the victim and at the same time she is still bad mouthing you to anyone who will listen. Don't accept her apology, this is giving her the green light to say anything she pleases and get away with it. Do as your partner says and block her out of your life, you will be glad you did.

I have been nc with my only sister for 5 years now, over a similar thing (only said to my face). 5 sentences that just seriously can’t be unsaid. And a text the next day to say she ‘stood by everything she said’.

After so long, it’s rare that I have to hear about how unreasonable (hard, cold, etc) I am not to have accepted her solitary ‘expression of regret’ years ago. There was no apology, not reparations, no nothing. If I recall it was a card under my door saying she hoped we ‘could both put it behind us, since both said things they regretted’. Nope, I didn’t get a single word in during her (public) tirade.

The first 2 years afterwards were hard, so many friends & family wanting to talk about ‘our tiff’ with me. I usually took the line (which I recommend to you) that I had actually forgiven her almost instantly. Because that’s the way I choose to live my life- with no lagging hatred & feuds. However I also choose to live life surrounded by only genuine positive people who had my interests at heart and can be a positive role-model for my kid. She showed herself to be a kind of person I won’t have in my life. But she’s technically forgiven (as you would forgive a toddler, pet, person with brain damage, etc). They don’t know where to go with that, it works a treat. No point banging on about forgiveness, hey?

Be prepared to think about and set carefull boundaries with your MIL if you do choose NC. It’s not as straightforward as it sounds. And these cfs will immediately jump on any loopholes, causing you to feel you have to communicate with them (against your own boundaries). Figure out every detail (contact with grandkids, Christmas, illness/emergencies, etc). Then put it in place (via email) and be prepared to police your boundaries for a good while.

Eventually they usually give up, and leave you to the peace and happiness of a life without regular injections of their toxins. Good luck with it.

Maybe you ought to look at the Stately homes threads and even look at the books Toxic Parents and Toxic In Laws.
I think she has slipped and shown you some of the real her. Don't let her reel you in again. And support your boyfriend.

And I hope she doesn't know too much else about you - because she obviously would use anything she knows against you when it suits her.

@NobodysChild you have just summed it up in that paragraph. She IS still badmouthing me now to anyone who will listen. By saying that I'm am stubborn and wrong for not accepting her apology she is actually still being nasty towards me and trying to involved others.
Thank you for that, it hadn't really occurred to me. She's trying to play the innocent but actually hasn't learnt anything by still continuing that behaviour.

I think you have tried to have a relationship with her but she ruined it. Now it's time to accept she's not that nice and it's more healthy for you to keep your distance.

'Being difficult' here seems to mean 'not doing what she demands'.

You do not have to accept an apology. You get to make that choice.

Take this is your trigger for you and DP to go fully NC. She's a horrible person who can go stew in her own bile.

They both sound awful. How old are they? 10?

YANBU to be upset, I'd avoid further contact with either of them to be honest.

Perhaps she needs reminding that if she insists on playing the victim You will be forced to share her vile tirade with the rest of the family.
She can fuck off.
She is not sorry for saying those things She is sorry she got caught.

She is despicable. Cut her out without a second thought.
I'm so happy for you that you have survived and grown.
Move on from this hurtful disappointment. Its a disappointment in relation to what you have already coped with. I don't mean that to sound trite. I've been where you have, and life throws up these moments.
Its about seeing them as a mere side product. An unpleasant one that you probably should block out of your life.
I'm 50 and tbh only just learning that the limiting and language about past trauma really matters.
As does letting the shit that comes along as a result.
I wish you well

Yadnbu

Is your partner going NC with his Mother too?

Oh thank you everyone I honestly feel so much better after reading all these replies. I definitely am going to cut her off. Even if I was to try and keep her at arms length I would always just remember the things she said and feel that hurt all over again.
Sole he's already NC with her has been for years. They were arguing because she got in touch to discuss a family matter of which he wasn't interested. Because she didn't get her way with how she wanted that conversation to go she turned it around on him and said the things she did about me.
I do think a small part of her is jealous that he is finally happy in life.
You know what the worst part of it all was, after she had finished her tirade against me she mentioned 2 of his friends both in separate messages, both of whom have never even met her. The things she said about them were also vile. Which did suggest to me that she was genuinely trying to upset my partner. But still, she's said them now and like I said, I can't just forgive that and pretend like she wasn't vicious. She said them for maximum effect and hurt me in the process.

She shouldn't have dragged an innocent party into her spat, especially after the efforts you have made to build a relationship with her.

Having been found out, the only remote hope she might have had of restoring her relationship with you would have been to accept full responsibility for what she'd done and apologise PROPERLY. Blaming her son for showing the message to you, and blaming you for refusing to accept her apology, indicates she isn't sorry at all. She has blown it. Walk away.

Think you might owe your DP an apology tbh...

OP, i most definitely don't think you should forgive and forget, but imo accepting the apology accepts you see that she is sorry.
Probably sorry for herself, sorry she got caught, sorry she's lost another family member, but sorry.
I could have no further contact after this, so please don't think I say this for her sake.
Accepting her apology will help you move on.

Sorry why would I owe my partner an apology?

Because it sounds a little like he's been telling you a long time what she's like but it's only now that you've been bitten that you believe him! Your partner was obviously NC with his mum for very good reasons. Why did you go out of your way to befriend her?

Ohh. Thank you for explaining.
Yes he did in fact tell me to keep her at arms length and said she was poisonous.
I just felt it was more a case of their personalities clash and they couldn't get on as mother and son.
I befriended her because I take people at face value and she had never displayed any kind of animosity with me in the past.
I wanted to believe she was a good person and that we could get on for the sake of the kids in the family.
He did tell me earlier that he warned me about her and I did accept that he was right all along about her, but he didn't say it in an 'I told you so' way but more of concern that she has in fact hurt me as he predicted she would.

I wouldn't accept her fake apology, you'd stand a good chance of regretting it at some stage. She's not a bit sorry for what she said. You've seen her being nasty about other people so it shouldn't come as a surprise that she'd eventually be nasty about you.

Your DH sounds lovely.

Is it worth saying that you understand she's sorry for what she said but you are too hurt to forgive her right now?

Then go NC.

My DM has raged against my SIL for the past 8 years, plus subsequent son. The tables have turned and she is now ranting against me. We took her out for dinner where she delivered a well practiced speech about how fantastic SIL and DN are but how rude my kids are and what awful parents we are. Only, she forgot that she was delivering it to my DH and this was his wife and his kids she was slagging off. I said I was deeply insulted and she then said "it was a joke"

And then she wonders why we don't have a loving mother/daughter relationship. What makes people do this?

Ignore the MIL and go NC. Then say sorry fir not listening to your dh. Block the spiteful woman and don’t feel bad or guilty.

I had a horrible situation that was witnessed by 4 others earlier in the year. I left the situation and I know the person was really told off by the others.

They approached me within 15 minutes and I told them I accepted their apology but that I wasn't ready to forgive them. They wouldn't stop crying that I wouldn't forgive them. But what they said crossed a line and I still 7 months down the line don't feel ready to forgive. I don't feel bad for feeling this way. I still believe what they said was unforgivable.

People need to understand that their behaviour actions can have consequences.

Definitely cut her out of your life. I've known people who will think up what they believe to be the most hurtful thing to say, without any regard for its relationship to the truth, in an argument and will look for someone's weak points to hurt them even more and that is how your MIL is. Vile.

There are a lot of people like this, who think they can do whatever they want as long as they apologise. As if the apology is the end of the matter. Well it bloody well isn't and you don't have to accept it.

What do we do we all need to do if people treat us like shit? We cut them off. No exceptions.

I’m not sure your dp should have shown you the messages if he knew they would hurt you tbh.

Normally I don't agree with passing on this sort of stuff, but the OP really needed this information.