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AIBU? Single parent with migraine

62 replies

VinoBlancoPorFavor · 10/10/2018 21:47

Rant alert!
Yesterday I had a raging migraine. Made it through the day at work practically on my knees, drove to collect DD (13) from after school activities at 6.15. She called me at 6.20 to see where I was parked- she didn’t listen and spoke over me when trying to explain as had to park 2 mins further away than normal- not far or complicated but she talked over me so didn’t understand. 6.30 still not got to car I’m panicking she’s been kidnapped/feeling like my eyes are going to start bleeding from migraine pain. 6.40 she arrives at car but realises she’s left jumper inside. More waiting while she gets to it.
Pull over twice on way home with head pain. Feel like I shouldn’t be driving but have no one to collect us and no public transport anywhere near (no money for taxi).
Get home, full of relief that my head hasn’t yet exploded.

DM is at mine- granted she’s done this mornings washing up and put on a load of laundry but that wasn’t expected and isn’t usual.
I literally collapse in tears on my bed as felt so bad. DD washes hair, DM oversees her putting pizza in oven etc then leaves.
DD needs hair in plaits for dance show tomorrow. I can’t see and she threw a tantrum because I refused to do them as I can barely lift my head. Compromised with one low plait that I can do with closed eyes. DD shouty and makes me upset so I cried, then she cried. My poor neighbours.

No one asked if I was ok. Not even this morning. No one checked to see if I needed a drink. They literally ignored my sobbing.
I get that DD was upset but so was I. I get that it’s not her fault that she has one parent, that’s its not her fault, that she gets a shit deal. But so do I.

AIBU to think that one of them should have stuck their head around the door to see if I at least needed a drink of water??!
Why don’t they care?!!!!!
Sick and tired of doing everything and no one noticing when I’m on my knees.

OP posts:
birdling · 10/10/2018 21:54

Poor you! Kids don't always think about their mum's needs, do they Sad.
I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Queenofselfdoubt · 10/10/2018 21:54

Gosh that sounds like an awful day. Can you talk to DD and make her understand that this is a condition that just makes you feel like death. I feel your pain. Migraines are no joke.

In anticipation of days I like this, I tend to keep some snacks and water bottles, meds, in my room for when the going gets tough. Also, if DD has a habit of losing things, make sure she gets them in her own time.

Also, please see your GP. It’s not safe to be driving whilst in extreme pain.

Holidayfromreal · 10/10/2018 21:55

That sounds really horrible OP but your DD is only 13 it's a hard age, everything is a personal slight and unfair in a 13 year olds eyes. Also if you've never had a migraine you can't imagine how painful they can be so to her you were making a fuss over a headache.

Your mum could have asked if you were ok but it's also ok to ask her to help and not just hope she asks.

Hope you feel better Flowers

AwdBovril · 10/10/2018 22:04

You really should not be driving with migraines. It isn't safe.
Unless the was an absolute one-off, as you are a single parent, your DD really needs to have a hairstyle she can maintain on her own, including styling. I could plait my own at 13.
I get very frequent migraines (sorry if I've missed anything in your OP - I'm recovering from one at present) & my DD brings me a drink of water if I need her to. She is 6. Perhaps your DD needs to realise it's time to grow up a bit.

civicxx · 10/10/2018 22:05

Oh god that sounds like a horrendous day! I hope your feeling better. I think teenagers are very wrapped up in their own world, although I'm not excusing her. Although, if she left the jumper the jumper would be staying there. My 8 year old forgets her lunch box at least twice a week and it stays there and she has to have hot dinner the next day, same with school shoes if she's came out in pumps, cardigans, homework, anything really. Apart from her swimming kit, because then they ring me for it Angry I hate nothing more than waiting around like that! Hope today was a better day & that you and DD have made up! :)

SpankTheMonkey · 10/10/2018 22:15

Sorry but if it was a real migraine, im amazed you can work, or even attempt to

You are a better person than pple I know, my OH he is bedridden with them and has to be injected

VinoBlancoPorFavor · 10/10/2018 22:16

Couldn’t have left jumper as club venue is used by others throughout the day and we’re not back until next week and as we hadn’t left I wasn’t going to abandon it!

Hair not always plaited abd usually maintained by her- but she specifically needed double Dutch plaits in her bum length curly hair so can’t do that herself. Felt guilty about this but at one point I was considering getting a bus to a&e so plaiting hair really was at the bottom of my list!

Thank you for your kind words, just needed to hear a bit of sympathy as I dont see/talk to many adults most days and I’m still upset about it!
DD staying at her friends tonight after doing a homework project, so have some rare time out from her! So we shall see tomorrow. But she will prob have just forgotten all about it!

OP posts:
VinoBlancoPorFavor · 10/10/2018 22:19

Yes it was a real migraine PP, some of us just have to continue to function until we can collapse in bed.

FYI it’s not a competition thanks.

OP posts:
Stupomax · 10/10/2018 22:19

That is crap of them. I have a 13 year old and when I have a migraine he understands that he has to do the things I can't do, keep quiet or go elsewhere to make noise, and put himself to bed without asking for stuff. I don't think that's too much to ask of a 13yo.

My mum however runs for the hills if she thinks anyone is ill...

What meds do you have for your migraine? You need something as effective as possible, especially as you don't have another parent to step in and help on the worst days.

VinoBlancoPorFavor · 10/10/2018 22:22

Can’t afford the prescription the doctor gave me, so just use migralief or the neurofen migraine one.
Prob get one every couple of months so it’s not terribly bad, just crap when they strike on top of a bad day.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 10/10/2018 22:25

I’d be more annoyed about your mum that your DD, she’s 13, everything is a drama and crisis and all about her - that’s to be expected and she was probably worried about you and maybe scared and doesn’t know how to express that.

But your mum should have rung or texted to check up on you.

NoShitHemlock · 10/10/2018 22:28

I dont want to read and run vino, hope you are feeling better now Flowers

I know exactly how you feel - sometimes being a single parent sucks Sad

sweetkitty · 10/10/2018 22:33

You have my sympathies I have regular migraines and end up in bed unable to move. My DH has to do everything for the DC which is not an option for you.

I would ask about getting something stronger on prescription, won’t cost much more than Migraleve or preventers.

MrMeSeeks · 10/10/2018 22:34

Sorry but if it was a real migraine, im amazed you can work, or even attempt to

Ffs you do realise that migraines are diff for everyone?
Some of us have to work/function with a migraine, we simply have no choice.

MrMeSeeks · 10/10/2018 22:36

Getting a prescription isn't much more than the things you’re buying ( as gp can give you a few tablets in one prescription).
You need proper migraine medication op.

cookiesandchocolate · 10/10/2018 22:38

OP can you not apply for help with prescriptions so you don't have to pay for them?
I've had one migraine in my life. I thought I was going to die. Hope you feel better soon.
Please don't drive if you feel like that again. Taxi money is cheaper than funeral costs (sorry)

RedHelenB · 10/10/2018 22:38

I think yab a bit u as your mother had done jobs for you. A lot of single mothers really are on their own with much younger children. Having said that I agree it would be nice to be asked how you are.

AwdBovril · 10/10/2018 22:39

Spank - until I went off long term sick, I worked some days with migraines. I actually get 2 different types of migraines. One type I've had for over a decade, the 2nd type I'd been getting for about 2 years - and struggling to work through - before my GP told me that I'd developed a new type of migraine. They'd got so bad, with temporary blind spots, numb fingers & vomiting, that I was worried I had a brain tumour. But because they weren't my "normal" migraines, I didn't realise. Some of us don't have sympathetic employers.

Vino - if you are having frequent, or even occasional migraines, would your DD consider having her hair shorter? If there's the chance that you need to style it even occasionally, it's not really practical. FWIW, my DD also has bum length, curly hair! But my DH is perfectly capable of doing at least a normal plait in it (I'm trying to teach him french plaits but dear God it's a slow process!) My migraines are the main reason I have a buzzcut... sometimes sacrifices have to be made. I can neither wash my own hair without pain (one arm permanently hurts, so quicker is better) or style long hair properly every day, as it needs two good arms to do a ponytail.

Maidsrus · 10/10/2018 22:39

Illness as a single parent is pants. Hope ur ok Flowers

AwdBovril · 10/10/2018 22:43

Vino - have you checked if you're entitled to free prescriptions? If not, depending on how many you get per month, it might work out better value to get a pre-pay card, it's a flat rate for the card, no matter how many prescriptions you get. Assuming you're in the UK, apologies if not.

HolesinTheSoles · 10/10/2018 22:44


I think teenagers do sometimes not realise parents have feelings of their own and need some TLC sometimes too. I'm surprised your mum didn't stick around to help. Migraines are bloody awful.

ButAIBUtho · 10/10/2018 22:50

I remember when I was 12 and my mum had a migraine.

I crept in and admitted to her that I had pierced the top of my own ear about 2 months before.
She looks up with one eye and said "I don't care. I'm in too much pain." And I really realised she must be in agony to not kill me dead, let alone not even comment.

I felt really sorry for her after that.

I think your daughter lacks empathy and is being really selfish.
She's 13 years old, she has no excuse to treat her parent that way when her parent is genuinely that unwell.


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GruciusMalfoy · 10/10/2018 22:55

I'll sorry you feel like no one cared you were unwell, OP. As evidenced in this thread some people really don't understand migraine. I hope you're migraine-free for a while after this episode.

VinoBlancoPorFavor · 10/10/2018 22:56

No, she doesn’t need to cut her hair. I think she’s had to make enough sacrifices. She can plait it, but as I said she can’t double Dutch it herself.

Not entitled to free prescriptions and don’t feel I get migraines often enough to warrant the costs.

Don’t reallu understand RedHelenB??
My daughter was younger once too and actually in a way (not every way granted) it’s eaiser when they’re smaller. You can decide what time they go to bed, you can decide if they miss out of school activities, you can decide to skip a hair wash if you are physically unable to facilitate all that- at 13 they have much more of an input that you must listen to.
And I do parent single handed with no money or input from her father.
Tbh I’d be responding kindly to anyone with kids having a bad day and not feeling well, single parent or not.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 10/10/2018 22:58

I think you need to chat with your dd about this. When I get a migraine, I get a cup of tea and left alone in bed- I don't do cooking, I don't do driving to clubs, I just don't. If anyone shouted at me or had a paddy then I would be very upset indeed, and not feel like taking them anywhere for a few days. I think you need to be frank with your dd that she is coming over very selfish, that when you are ill you need her to be more self-sufficient, and that you will not be driving when dangerous in future, not for non-essential activities like clubs.

You are a person in your own right, and not an accessory to her lifestyle, but only you can put your foot down and transmit that message in actions- so sometimes she won't get a lift, and she will live!

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