To think pushy/ competitive parenting is increasing

[BackInTime]

I seemed to have escaped the competitive parents while my DC were little and and ignored all talk about breastfeeding and whos baby was sleeping through by 2 weeks.

Now as my DC are older it just seems to be getting more intense. So many parents I come across at school and extracurricular stuff seem super competitive and some are actually pretty nasty with it too. I have friends that micro manage and every aspect of their kids lives and get very anxious if their DC are not coming top at everything or if they misbehave even slightly.

AIBU to think that this pressure on kids to be perfect is more prevalent than ever before and is potentially really damaging?

My kids are in their 20s now. 'Twas ever thus!

A friend of mine does this about her daughter and it’s incredibly tiresome.
My son had his birthday party last week and i was told that she is coming, no she isn’t, no, wait - she is. And then on Friday evening, i was told (once more) she can’t come.

And all of this twaddle was to demonstrate how popular and wonderful her daughter is. She had ballet, then gymnastics and another birthday party to go to.

I genuinely didn’t give a shit and certainly don’t give my friend the satisfaction of asking why or why not.

Do you live in Surrey?

It isn't like this in the West country.

Lol performance parenting is everywhere. Not just at schools either; it's ripe in HE community.

I found it too when I lived in Surrey!

Haven't lived in Brighton long enough to see if there's a difference.

Don’t live in Surrey but glad to hear the West Country has escaped!

Sounds like moving to the West Country is a good option. It’s so effing dull, the boasting about kids, and using their kids (too)many activities to validate their own lives and choices. My kids have a few extra curricular things, things that they love and I don’t pressure them at all over, but other than that I put my energies into actually hanging out with them, keeping them fed and healthy, and giving them plenty of opportunities to be with friends and to play. God even that has come out sounding like a stealth boast. I just mean to say, that when these motherland types start jabbering on about all of little Lucifer’s clubs, and how brilliant their kid is because of the clubs and how they’re such a hardcore super mum because of all the ferrying around that they “have to do”, all I can think is.... the poor sod must be bloody exhausted!

Here there's two distinct groups - ultra competitive parenting whose 6 year olds have a dozen activities each week and the ones that don't even bother to send their kids to school or cook them proper food, let alone get a job themselves. This place is like chalk and cheese and the boundary is the railway track, so cliche!

Meh the kids will burn out sooner leaving time for the slow starters to catch up 🤞

Do they call their daughters princess too ? 😂

pollygreen7 do you not think being exposed to some failure is a good thing?

Absolutely. I limit my kids to 2/3 activities each. That's enough. Swimming us a non negotiable until competent, plus one or two others.

I piss myself laughing at some of the parents at my children's school.

They're the definition of lawnmower parents, and are often the ones who need to crow about little Esmeralda's ballet show etc and how Miss Bella was telling her just how TALENTED little Esmeralda is. Miss Bella actually says this to shut you up, you daft bint, because if she doesn't you'll go marching in demanding to know why Esmeralda isn't the lead blah blah blah.

They then smugly swan off in their range rover, with poor Esmeralda dragging behind, off to intermediate level mandarin, followed by Kumon maths. Poor Esmeralda is grey with tiredness and just wants to play Lego for a bit.

And yes, these kids can't cope with failure because there is so.much expectation placed on them, and mummy and daddy just railroad any obstacle instead of letting their child learn something from failure or disappointment.

Haha i literally KNOW several mom squad members who own Range Rovers, and do the Dance Mom thing. The kid s always look fed up.

I think it's always been the case, but it's more 'showy' these days with social media.

We will soon have the 'look at how many things we have done today to make memories' posts on the lead up to Christmas. Then the picture s of presents etc. Which we never saw before.

Yup plenty of these parents in my dc ultra "performing" 11+ obsessed school. They've just started year 3 and the talk has turned to senior schools particular grammar already. One parent has been to see all the secondary schools already but our children are 3 years away from applying! Totally bonkers as schools can change dramatically in 3 years. Some children are already being tutored for the 11+ exam already & they're only 7!

Arf at Do you live in Surrey?

I think it was ever thus. Wasn’t there a scene in one of Jane Austen’s novels when mothers are boasting about their children? Sense & Sensibility?

I think it is partially down to women dropping out of careers. Childcare can be so all consuming that you don't really get to do much with yourself as a person. Some SAHM take this as a que to become mummy of the year like its a justification for dropping out if work or something. I don't get it. If my kid asks to do sonething he does, if he doesn't then I sure as hell am not going to drag him out to do if for my own benefit.

I remember a mum trying to qui z my daughter on what book's she reads, if she has extra tuition for maths etc. She was comparing my daughter to her son. I found out about it when the mum was making snotty remarks about us to her mate - who I happen to live next door to. I heard the whole thing over the garden fence lmao

@Maccycheesefries I can beat that. I know a mum worrying,fretting and planning for grammar school in reception.

That being said,I am a pushy parent,but not competitive. As in, I want DD to do her best but I don't give a shit how she does compared to x,y,z or what books they are on or what scores they got or whatever.
Atm she's in a shitload of clubs but that's because 1.she asked to be and 2.it's childcare. We're going to reassess at the end of term and see which she'll be sticking with.

Yep and it ain't limited to Surrey try bloody Dudley ffs!

I work pretty much full time. We do classes on weekends (just 2). I am constantly astounded at the things I hear of, classes every night; Spanish, fencing; scouts, brownies, ballet, karate, rugby, art.....

I am literally baffled.

Even more so when recent discussions began regarding tutors in year2!

Even more baffled by people who don't work telling me they are too busy to do certain things due to all their classes - but that is a whole other thread that has been done to death.

And yes, these kids can't cope with failure because there is so.much expectation placed on them, and mummy and daddy just railroad any obstacle instead of letting their child learn something from failure or disappointment.

^
YY to this.

Kids are under enough pressure without their parents adding to it. I am pretty certain that this drive for perfect kids is in part responsible for the rise in some mental health issues in young people.

Absolutely. They feel that they've got to be the best constantly. Mummy and Daddy fix everything so that Esmeralda and Ptolemy only ever achieve success.

Trouble is, this gets harder to achieve. And without the child building resilience they can't develop the skills they need later on.

Then when mummy and daddy can't help, the kids flounder. It's not their fault. Their paths have been cleared for so long they can't get over the simplest of obstacles.