To think pushy/ competitive parenting is increasing

[BackInTime]

I seemed to have escaped the competitive parents while my DC were little and and ignored all talk about breastfeeding and whos baby was sleeping through by 2 weeks.

Now as my DC are older it just seems to be getting more intense. So many parents I come across at school and extracurricular stuff seem super competitive and some are actually pretty nasty with it too. I have friends that micro manage and every aspect of their kids lives and get very anxious if their DC are not coming top at everything or if they misbehave even slightly.

AIBU to think that this pressure on kids to be perfect is more prevalent than ever before and is potentially really damaging?

I agree LalaLeona re Surrey! It’s the sneakiness that gets me. Rushing off to tutors/different sports and music clubs but not saying anything about it - perhaps they are embarrassed but it’s as if they don’t want anyone to know about it so they can keep a step ahead! I’m seriously considering a move to somewhere like the West Country!

Contemplating a move to Devon myself. Feel I don't fit in with the culture here anymore!

It's not new, I remember back when I was in primary (over thirty years ago) having a friend who did everything, two types of instrument, swimming, athletics and horse riding plus brownies, her brother was the same. My mother used to grumble after speaking to my friend's mum that all she talked about were her talented children and their achievements. For what it's worth they grew into perfectly average adults, not the world class sports heroes or concert pianists their mother seemed to be expecting.

I think this woman was more unusual then though, most children just did brownies/cubs type groups out of school back then. It seems the norm now for kids to do activities most evenings, which is fine as long as the children are doing it for fun not because of their parents' ambitions.

I wish parents would put more emphasis on teaching their children about emotions and empathy and how to self regulate etc than all this shit. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many kids with MH problems!
My DS is only 11 months but I much rather he gets to school age happy, secure and with a general interest in learning instead of knowing how to say hello how are you in seven different languages.

There can be a joy in learning/academic enrichment outside of school can be positive. It’s just not really generally culturally acceptable in the West.

There is feeling here that ‘enrichment’ should all be child led and only acceptable if a child adores it from an early age etc. Show me a musical scholar & I’ll show you a mother (usually a mother) who has ‘encouraged’ the theory homework & not left them to it.

So often I hear ‘my son hates drama so I am not keen on him being in school play’, ‘my daughter is a very talented dancer & would be brilliant in the school play. So often the parents decide & ‘make it so’ one way or another. It’s about what they perceive & value.

Show me a child at a Russell Group & again usually there is a mother/supportive parent/s who has provided the right environment & ‘made it so’.

I know so many who have ‘created’ their child’s ‘gifts’ one way or another.

Unicorn there’s a huge difference between providing opportunities and pushing/pressuring, don’t worry about it.

My two have loads of clubs but it’s up to them how hard they work at it or how far they go. For example DD doesn’t like the idea gym/martial arts competitions, so she doesn’t do them, but she does enjoy taking part in a twice yearly dance one, so she does.

Neither of mine are particularly “talented” at anything TBH but they love what they do and it keeps them fit and strong and does wonders for their confidence, because even though they aren’t “the best” they can see themselves improving. The pride they feel when they learn a new move or get a new belt etc is motivation enough. All I do is pay for the clubs and uniforms really, I will suggest practice before gradings but that’s about it.

Life is competitive - get over it. The days are long gone when little Jimmy can do beggar all at school, play all day, and still end up with a nice little job that pays enough for a car, house and holidays.

To get a decent job, you need qualifications. To get to the respected universities, you need a lot more than qualifications - you nee extra curricula interests such as volunteering, sport or music. It's all about competing against others to get the course you want at the uni you want and then against others to get a job you want.

You just have to 'check out' of it op, side swerve anyone like that. I'm by no means winning in any of the parenting stakes but did have an old friend who, it appeared, felt like she saw us in a competition when she was supermum in so may ways, immaculate house, dressed in designer clothes, very bright child and so on. Why she thought I could give her a run for her money I don't know!?!?!

LOL let me disabuse you of the idea that this does not happen in the West Country.

My DC do one club each and that is a very new development, under their own choice too. All their friends do loads of activities and clubs, including in the summer holidays and at weekends. Their schedules are packed and they kid's are glass eyed with tiredness.

I hear it all the time how they don't know whether their DC ought to stick with dance because she loves it so much or should concentrate on swimming because she's so gifted at it. The child is 5 ffs. Utterly tedious, conducted by overinvested parents who, themselves seem to have lost all personality except for being ultra competitive on behalf of their DC.

CV building for children is pointless.

I agree CV building is futile. Almost ALL the teens we know and within our friendship groups have dropped every single 'activity' with the exception of the odd sport/instrument. They now get too much homework. My dd has managed to keep up just one sport which keeps her fit and well. I feel sorry for all the mothers that have put in the volume of hours (money and energy) for seven or eight years plus just to see it all dropped like a stone at 13. Every Sunday lie in, fun days out, quiet time relaxing at home gone just like that.

The worst of it, many kids haven't even learnt how to relax or unwind so have developed mental health problems and anxiety.

If you have a child badgering to do more tell them no for their own good, they need to learn the skill of being able to recharge, play by themselves and think quietly.

I don't agree that competitive parenting is just the way of the world, there is a huge back lash now in our area and most people are scaling back not doing more.

I feel sorry for all the mothers that have put in the volume of hours (money and energy) for seven or eight years plus just to see it all dropped like a stone at 13. Every Sunday lie in, fun days out, quiet time relaxing at home gone just like that.

It isn’t ‘gone’ though is it? They’ve had seven or eight years of enjoyment out of those activities! Most parents are sensible enough to recognise that their dc are not heading to the Olympics or the Royal Opera House. As a pp said, they support their kids in these activities because they keep them fit, teach them discipline, teamwork, confidence etc etc - and most of all, because they have fun doing them.

I wish parents would put more emphasis on teaching their children about emotions and empathy and how to self regulate etc than all this shit. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many kids with MH problems!

Ethelfleda - exactly this! Agree 100%

I just thought I'd say, I live in the West Country and it does go on here. This is especially true round the 11+.

Do you think the 'pushiness' starts showing when the kids get older? All of these stories remind me of 'Dance Moms', if you've ever been unfortunate enough to watch it.
I think it happens in every aspect of parenting; not just academic or extra-curricular. Ive witnessed competing home edders that get into really nasty arguments over how much they let their respective child play, or read.

I have met a few. Two of my friends have become very pushy with their kids much to my amazement (we live in different parts of the UK) so am often taken aback by it all when I see them.
A friend of DD (8yo) has activities out of school every day-some days 2 and one parent does extra homework each weekday morning with the kids before school. I have heard her ask if she can just have a day on the sofa watching TV but no. I get tired thinking about it!

To get a decent job, you need qualifications. To get to the respected universities, you need a lot more than qualifications - you nee extra curricula interests such as volunteering, sport or music.

This.

Its the pressure to put grade 8 piano/county hockey team/gold Duke of Edinburgh blah blah blah on applications....because University admissions lap it up.

I'd take a self-reliant child who has achieved academically and spent every hour outside of school/homework caring for siblings or a disabled parent, say, than a child who has been ferried around for years by parents with time and money or had activities laid at their feet by their cosy private school.

The whole system is perpetuating this. And Uni applications are the first offenders.

I have never come across any parents like this but mine are still young and perhaps I haven't met any yet!

I don't quite understand this though: "ignored all talk about breastfeeding"...

I think some of the intensive competitiveness stems from fear of how unequal society is becoming, lack of social mobility etc. There is a sense of this huge split opening up between haves and have nots and everyone is desperate to make sure they and their kids are on the ‘right’ side.

about the university thing : I've heard that Cambridge/Oxford are willing to take on 'other' applicant's (people from working class etc) if they have a second language. Does anybody know if this is true?

My neighbourhood isn't too bad, but I think the Tiger types move off to the neighbourhoods in the "outstanding" catchments as soon as they can. The local primary is a secure "good" but not easy to get in, and there is no obvious great secondary on the doorstep. It is a nice enough area to be affordable to a well educated, professional set of parents who tend to be supportive, just not attractive enough to the very ambitious.

My DCs do a lot, but they are all low pressure, non-competitive activities. They are nearly all local so travel time to all but swimming is a 5 minute walk. If they had to be ferried everywhere, they would do less. They will drop things with age. DS1 has swapped gymnastics for karate- I saw the gymnastics as a foundation for something else as he got older, and I saw a change in his confidence at things like balancing and jumping so it has met my hopes when I signed him up a couple of years ago. I didn't need him to be great or competitive.

They still get a good amount of downtime to entertain themselves and chill out at home.

I used to say to mine that as long as they had done their best, that was fine by me; and if they had an off day and could not achieve their best, then that too was fine. Nothing would shake my love for them.

I know that the latest thing is to push and push children into the professions - but I know so many people whose lives have been ruined by the pressure of the jobs that they sacrificed their childhood and youth to attain.

Most of the happy people I know are not rich materially.

I always told them that nothing mattered at all except that they should grow up to be kind people. They all have qualifications and satisfying jobs and are much loved and respected by those around them.

re universities.

Admissions tutors often come on here and say they don't really care about extra curricular stuff. Seems to vary uni to uni. Some rely a lot on the personal statements, some don't read them.

Oxford/Cambridge - They positively want people from state schools and do a lot of outreach. But they do need people who will be up to the courses whatever their background. I don't think speaking another language would be the benefit, but succeeding when English is not your first language would I would think be seen as a positive. There are various threads on the higher education pages on Oxbridge (and uni admission in general).

One of my offspring was/is dyslexic. She got a place at one of the top universities simply because her enthusiasm for her subject bubbled through her application. When she went for interview they told her they had already decided to give her a place as they loved her application; but called her for interview just to say hello!!

She did not have rafts of extra-curricular stuff to wave under their noses.

Its the pressure to put grade 8 piano/county hockey team/gold Duke of Edinburgh blah blah blah on applications....because University admissions lap it up.

I think there is a lot of this and the fear that if you do not provide these opportunities for your DC they will be disadvantaged. But really if universities are making decisions on lots of extra curricular stuff then surely this is discriminatory as not all parents have the time and money for this.

BTW my DC do their share of extracurricular activities that they enjoy. I think it is a good way to meet new friends and develop interests outside school. What ruins these things is the pushy parents that are super competitive trying to live out some of their childhood dreams. There’s also the pressure to participate in all the extras like extra training, holiday activities and private coaching or risk getting left behind. A whole industry has developed around preying on parents fears.