To think pushy/ competitive parenting is increasing

[BackInTime]

I seemed to have escaped the competitive parents while my DC were little and and ignored all talk about breastfeeding and whos baby was sleeping through by 2 weeks.

Now as my DC are older it just seems to be getting more intense. So many parents I come across at school and extracurricular stuff seem super competitive and some are actually pretty nasty with it too. I have friends that micro manage and every aspect of their kids lives and get very anxious if their DC are not coming top at everything or if they misbehave even slightly.

AIBU to think that this pressure on kids to be perfect is more prevalent than ever before and is potentially really damaging?

I feel like it’s sometimes done with the best intentions and has just got a bit out of hand. The with others it’s like they are proving something about themselves and their magnificent parenting through their children.

There is also a huge fear of just being average.

I've just read "the subtle art of not giving a f*CK". Much of that centres around values and realisation that being normal is what we will pretty much all be.

It's really changed my mindset and I'm seeing so many 'sh*tty values and metrics' which translate to one form or another of entitlement. Which is exactly what this is.

A friend has started this with their lo who is around 2yo... get WhatsApp updates of latest achievements. I haven’t quite decided whether its:

A) a competition,
B) to help Mum’s self esteem,
C) to indicate how inadequate the other kids are, or
D) a proud mummy moment

I’d normally opt for d) (as I give the benefit of the doubt and try to be kind) but the regularity of it suggests otherwise.

How do others deal with it?

I was going to send a really sarcastic message back at the weekend suggesting her lo submit the latest thing to the local museum, but my hubby said it was a bit too mean!

@Satine2018 your options are:

1.ignore
2.make appropriate noises
3.sarcasm
4."nobody cares".

Depends how much you value the friendship.

Kids are under enough pressure without their parents adding to it. I am pretty certain that this drive for perfect kids is in part responsible for the rise in some mental health issues in young people

I've a friend who is a child psychologist and she would agree with you. Self Harming is on the increase. .

Yes it is damaging, I think.

I think this idea is beautifully explored in the film Inside Out.
The little girl learns (the hard way) what life is like and that things don’t always go your way. And that it’s ok to be sad, sometimes.

I think it’s really useful, as a sort-of antidote to all the Disney-type films that do the complete opposite.

Satine are you good friend and do you also have young DC?

Me and my close friends who are also mums made ourselves a seperate 'mum' whatsapp and share all our DCs art/music/sporting achievements (preschoolers so scribbles and renditions of nursery rhymes) and send each other hearts and smileys....we do it because we know no one else will care

Hang on a sec, what has Surrey ever done to you lot?

I grew up in Surrey and my mum worked full time whilst studying so she didn't have time to pressure me or my siblings into anything. I did the free after school activities which was all sorts of sports (I signed myself to them).

Maybe I was just an innocent child back then, I didn't sense or see anyone competing.

We are more aware of it now because of the internet, also because schools don't seem to be doing their job as well as they used to so extra measures have to be taken by parents of children with special talents.

I do think this is area/school/activity dependent. We live and my DC go to schools in a very "mixed" area. Never seen any real competitiveness but most families are concerned in paying the bills and their own children and don't have time to worry about anyone else.

I do remember having a chat with a friend (who lives in what I will call a pushy middle class area) about whether her Reception age child was doing enough out of school clubs - she was doing 5. When I pointed out that that was already surely enough, she said that actually every other child in her DD's class was doing more. Round her it would be rare for a Reception child to do more than 1 or 2 clubs- I think you lose sight of what is normal if everyone is doing it!

Try.
North.
Oxford.

I tell you - never seen anything like it.

@MissMarples I really must read that book

1 or 2 clubs in reception is the norm around here, one of which usually includes swimming.

IME parents are just trying their best for their kids, and often following the kids lead in terms of what they'd like to try. Any playground discussions tend to be "Phoebe has really enjoyed this class, have you heard of it? It's really cheap and the kids love it, yours might too, be great to see you there if you can make it"

Such a relief!

There are a couple of tiger moms but they are very much in the minority and I just feel a bit sorry for them really.

We know a family who have DC the same ages as ours. They're very tiger-parent-y and over the years have enrolled their DC into so many activities that they look perpetually exhausted.

I teach reception and genuinely think that instead of making them perform like monkeys at clubs every night DC need to simply play and have down time. The happiest DC I know are the ones who know they're perfect as they are.

I work with teenagers and the number who suffer with mental health problems; stress, anxiety, fear of failure is shocking. Pushy parenting has no doubt contributed to some of these issues.

@Camomila I’m not the best friend in the world (are any of us), but I give my time freely to my friends (as I love spending time with them) and always happy to be a listening ear (at any time, even if it is not reciprocated). And yes I too have a LO who is 4 weeks older than hers. I’m also in Surrey (if that makes a jot of difference ).

I also get the need to share achievements, but this is something else... (@RebelRogue on the ignore issue) if no one responds (within a short period of time, say an hour) we get ‘are you ok hun?’ (I am serious on the wording!). There is also the passive aggressive comments when we are out and maybe another of the kids is playing up, this mummy will say ‘we don’t do that’.

I am pleased her LO is doing really well and happily say so, but some of it clearly is BS. Additionally if anyone else says anything about their LO achievements (which is hardly ever) there is never a response.

I don’t see the need for the competition because it is irrelevant. Her kid is doing well, so are the others, and they will all excel in different areas!

Set an example and don't be sucked in is my best advice.

It is likely you find other like minded souls, and steer well clear of the pushy parents brigade. They are quite easy to spot, usually speaking at twice the volume of everyone else and cackling. I also try to avoid lining up play dates with their dc, as once they get to a certain age their kids are like it to and are best avoided.

If those parents are content to ruin their dc childhood that is up to them. Those types seem to suck the very joy out of life and are always running from one activity to another without realising that those children will almost certainly drop it all once they are teens and it was all a waste of time and money and effort, and they sacrificed the most important thing we can do for our kids, teach them to use their imagination, the benefits of rest and relaxation, sleep and quiet time. What a shame for the poor kids they will never learn how to relax.

Be happy with your decisions and choices, and choose to leave the hamster wheel.

I have never parented this way and now my dds are in their late teens (18 & 15) they are choosing how to challenge themselves and what risks to take in sport and academics. I want them to be independent and resilient and to enjoy life. I don't want to them to feel constantly compared and judged. I just can't spend time around parents who are so controlling of their kids. Life is too short.

I would agree that Surrey is the motherland of this sort of nonsense!

To me there are things in life parents should teach their kids. Resilience (essential for good mental health), how to swim, manners and to be kind to everyone.

Mandarin, Spanish, Tutors etc...... entirely unnecessary in my opinion. Kids need to be kids. They don't want to be shoved off here, there and everywhere.

They don't want to be shoved off here, there and everywhere

I wish someone would tell my dc that! They are the ones nagging to do every activity anyone mentions to them. I’m left trying to limit it and making them prioritise. I really hope they start to focus down on one or two in the next year or so instead of the current crazy schedule. But they love it, and I don’t want to be like my mother who said a blanket ‘no’ to everything except Brownies and Sunday School.

See growing up I was never sent to any extra curricular activities. Parents couldn't afford it... I have friends who have done hobbies such as judo gymnastics competitive swimming and it makes me in awe.. Ie I wish I started something when I was younger.

I have my bun in the oven and I always said that I would make sure my child would get to do any activity he or she is interested in.

Perhaps other mothers are in the same boat? Just a thought..

Often this ‘advanced’ potential/behaviour due to extra curriculars is effectively rewarded by teachers

In an all through school a girl was singled out because of her exceptional gifts in English at 6 years old. She received intensive sessions from a very early age & benefited from the best resources. She’d been on a special literacy programme (outside of school) since Reception & whilst perfectly bright not necessarily gifted I think. She was seen as tremendously able and benefited from a real belief in her potential by the staff.

The same is true re: Kumon, a teacher remarked on a child’s exceptional arithmetic. This child has been at Kumon for years, purposeful practice has made him excel. Again this child is perceived as more able than others.

These ‘beliefs’ can create virtuous circles/provide opportunities & propel children to greater academic heights in a world where educational resources are increasingly scarce. Conversely, we can see they create real pressures sometimes in children.

The difference between an ‘average’ & ‘above average’ child is often an ‘interested parent’ - look to Asia to see that at play.