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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to limit childcare for my terminally ill neighbour?

56 replies

tortoisefairy · 09/10/2018 21:43

My neighbour (of 6 months) has terminal cancer. She is very weak, due to side effects of failed chemo and other side affects. She is a single mum with 4 kids. Dad has kids every other weekend, but not too helpful generally. Kids have some special needs, and her 2nd nanny in as many months has just quit. I have 3 kids myself and also full time carer for MIL who has dementia as well as working part time. She has no family here, but a supportive group of friends. When she asks for childcare however, they are all limited by their own children’s needs and can not fulfil all the requests. I have helped out with quite a lot of childcare in between nanny’s but her kids are a handful, often quite destructive breaking toys etc, and don’t get on with my kids. I haven’t told her this as she has enough to deal with. She is bed ridden most of the time. Her life is extremely hard, my heart breaks for her. I have had to start telling her kids that they can’t come round here after school as I am on my own with my kids doing homework tea etc. But weekends are harder to say no to. AIBU to limit the time her kids spend at my house to 2 hours on a weekend? I can’t see what is reasonable anymore. The situation is just too sad, but feel I have to draw some boundaries. Please be gentle with me...I have found this hard to write.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 09/10/2018 21:44

Has she not got any formal support? How sad for her and her children.

QueenEnid · 09/10/2018 21:46

Oh what an awful situation 😞
I honestly don't know what I would do in that circumstance so my heart really does go out to you. I think being as honest as kindness would allow would probably be the best option. Speak to her and tell her that you can't help anymore than you already have and you are struggling with juggling your own family and care needs for mil. I'm sure she will understand. X

drspouse · 09/10/2018 21:47

What is going to happen to her DCs when she dies?

MorningCuppa · 09/10/2018 21:47

Very sad situation, I'm sorry but I think the children's father should be helping out a lot more than he is, especially as she is bed ridden, how old are the children?

TomHardysNextWife · 09/10/2018 21:48

How can someone bed ridden be caring for 4 children Shock.

Honest answer, I'd phone Social Services. It's an accident waiting to happen, and very neglectful.

And it's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your own children Flowers

MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 21:48

Where the fuck is the dad? What does he think is going to happen when she dies? They ideally should now be with him full time. YANBU but shit what a horrible position to be in. Surely social services should be involved?

Osirus · 09/10/2018 21:49

What a horrible, horrific situation for your poor neighbour and her kids. She must be terrified for their future. Is social services involved at all?

MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 21:49

What i mean is he would have them full time and she would have them EOW for example to give her a break. Poor lady what's her prognosis? How long has she got?

PositivelyPERF · 09/10/2018 21:50

Is it possible for her to hire a nanny that will come to yours, with the children? That way you won’t have to deal with the children by yourself? I don’t know if this would suit you and I know it’s very difficult for you, but if she is bedridden, it sounds like she doesn’t have very long. Do you know what will happen with the children when she dies. Her ex sounds like a selfish prick and it’s no wonder the poor children are acting out. In saying that, you have to look after your health too.

Angrybird345 · 09/10/2018 21:51

What’s going to happen if she goes into a hospice or dies?

MacosieAsunter · 09/10/2018 21:51

She cant meet her childrens needs, they need to go into foster care. Hard, but, you know.

flumpybear · 09/10/2018 21:52

The father needs a MASSIVE spoonful of 'step the fuck up' juice .... wanker!
That poor woman

annikin · 09/10/2018 21:55

Limit childcare if you need to, no problem, but don't call social services! They have a few months left together, don't separate them now! That would be the worst possible thing for all of them!

Loopytiles · 09/10/2018 21:57

OP wouldn’t be separating anybody: social workers are trained to deal with situations like this.

rebelrosie12 · 09/10/2018 21:57

That's not How it works annikin...they would get support not get them taken away.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/10/2018 22:01

Do you know what plans she has for when she has gone? I would have thought it would be best to get the kids used to this even if just a few hours at the weekend?

You say she has a supportive group of friends. Is there any way you could all approach this as a group? Say each take one kid for a half day at a weekend rather than all 4 at once? Or look after each others kids or arrange play dates for them so you can take turns helping look after them at her house? Or fundraise for some child care help that will go to hers? Sorry if some of these suggestions sound mad, just trying to throw ideas out there. I'd certainly take my friends kids to free my friend to help their dying neighbour and I'd hope most people would. What a sad situation.

Lostnafraid · 09/10/2018 22:03

If she has a child under 5 she may be eligible for help from a home start volunteer, have a look online for homestart in your area.
Can you contact her friends and try and get them to help more? Can you contact the kids Dad and tell him he needs to come and take care of his children? The fact he’s letting them go home to their mum in no fit state to care for them is shit beyond words.
You could also try and get some advice from McMillan, the night be able to help her access support.

Addictschild · 09/10/2018 22:03

I’d say call social services also these children do not need to be traumatised by finding their mother dead or being helpless they all need urgent help ASAP where is that dad the gp health visitors McMillan nurses why are they just leaving them all to struggle like this ?

SemperIdem · 09/10/2018 22:04

What a sad situation. I think AmIRight’s suggestion is a good one.

WeakAsIAm · 09/10/2018 22:04

If you don't feel able to contact social services; though I agree with pp they will try to help not cause upset.
Have you contacted McMillan nurses there are lots of charities out there set up to help in these circumstances, granted they won't provide 24 hr care for children but will step in and start creating constructive time for the kids in the evening and weekends
This hopefully will take some of the pressure off you where you don't feel guilty or unsupportive.
Best of wishes to both you and your neighbour

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 22:04

What age are the children? How does she cope if she is bedridden.

I think you need to contact social services. This is a very dangerous situation. The dad must be totally useless so more formal intervention is required.

It is very sad but unfortunately you can’t fix this.

Mummyshark2018 · 09/10/2018 22:06

Like others have said if her illness is so significant then she would/ should be eligible for social care support and other agencies e.g Macmillan care. Well done for helping out but it's really not your role. The mum, dad, external support including school and social card should be thinking about longer term support, is she aware of what support is available? The kids will need support to help them in loosing their mum eventually also

Dontfollowme · 09/10/2018 22:07

Gosh I took a deep breathe before reading your replies, as I know you guys are honest. So I feel better that you aren’t telling me to do more, as I don’t feel I can. Youngest kid is 8, oldest is 14, though acts about 10 due to SN. She was told 2 years but who knows. I think her being bed ridden is due to infection in leg. She also can’t sleep so is exhausted, so I don’t think end of life yet, but I don’t like to ask..I think she is in denial as she talks about there being a cure in 2 years time...

Yes the dad needs to step up... but she hates him and says he is awful to kids. I don’t know situation well enough to judge, other than agree he should be around more, basic humanity. Her current plan is kids into boarding school, where they are now when she goes. She has set up a trust etc.

Importantly kids basic needs are being met. Definitely. and I would not call social services on her. I would rather call her husband if I suspect something seriously wrong.

I can’t have 7 kids here... it’s too much....even with nanny to help out.

How can I help her find a resilient and tough nanny who won’t quit???

SunflowerJo08 · 09/10/2018 22:07

I can only echo the advice to ring Social Services. These poor children are going to need as much help as possible when they lose their mum. Are they of school age? Ring the school as its a safeguarding issue as well.

Oly5 · 09/10/2018 22:08

I also agree that they need some support.. but I think you should ask her what support she has before just calling SS. Then you can work out what she’s tried and the best way to help her.
A death from cancer is hsotrific and painful. If you can, find it in your heart to have her kids for as long as you can stand it. The poor kids need a break and so does she. Like you said, it’s not forever. You’d be an immense friend for helping her as much as you can

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