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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to limit childcare for my terminally ill neighbour?

56 replies

tortoisefairy · 09/10/2018 21:43

My neighbour (of 6 months) has terminal cancer. She is very weak, due to side effects of failed chemo and other side affects. She is a single mum with 4 kids. Dad has kids every other weekend, but not too helpful generally. Kids have some special needs, and her 2nd nanny in as many months has just quit. I have 3 kids myself and also full time carer for MIL who has dementia as well as working part time. She has no family here, but a supportive group of friends. When she asks for childcare however, they are all limited by their own children’s needs and can not fulfil all the requests. I have helped out with quite a lot of childcare in between nanny’s but her kids are a handful, often quite destructive breaking toys etc, and don’t get on with my kids. I haven’t told her this as she has enough to deal with. She is bed ridden most of the time. Her life is extremely hard, my heart breaks for her. I have had to start telling her kids that they can’t come round here after school as I am on my own with my kids doing homework tea etc. But weekends are harder to say no to. AIBU to limit the time her kids spend at my house to 2 hours on a weekend? I can’t see what is reasonable anymore. The situation is just too sad, but feel I have to draw some boundaries. Please be gentle with me...I have found this hard to write.

OP posts:
Hassled · 09/10/2018 22:08

You really need to call social services. You're doing as much as you possibly can and that isn't enough - this will only get worse as she gets more ill. The sooner plans are in place for the children the better. It's awful, and I really feel for you.

TheBigFatMermaid · 09/10/2018 22:08

Whatever is going to happen to these poor children when she passes away, or heaven forbid, they wake in the morning and find her dead?

Why has their Dad not stepped up to have them now, as he is the logical person for them to go to when that happens?

I would ring SS, not for spite, but because she and the DC clearly need support they are not getting.

Bluewidow · 09/10/2018 22:09

Having just lost my husband to. Terminal illness I would help this woman out as much as I could. You say her kids are unruly of course they are they have a terminal ill mother and even if they don't understand this, they will know something's going on . You perhaps need to speak to the father - does he know she's unable to cope and actually needs extra help? PerhAps the father feels daunted by all this and needs a gentle reassuring push in the right direction.

Dontfollowme · 09/10/2018 22:10

@amIRight’s yes, thanks good idea, I think dividing the kids up would make it easier on everyone...

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 09/10/2018 22:13

This is really sad. Why does the father not have them?

DancingDot · 09/10/2018 22:14

@Tortoise and @Dontfollow Just in case you are worried about being recognised irl, I think you've had a name change fail.

Sorry to hear about your friend - speak to your friend about how she is managing and encourage her to seek help either from social services or from MacMillan, Marie Curie etc. You sound like a good pal.

TheBigFatMermaid · 09/10/2018 22:14

Oh yeah, splitting them up while their mother is dying before their eyes, that would be just what they need-NOT! Have a bit of compassion for them, for goodness sake.

heligoland · 09/10/2018 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PositivelyPERF · 09/10/2018 22:16

I’m so sorry Bluewidow. As a widow due to cancer, I can relate to what you’re going through, I know it gives you a very different perspective. 💐

TheBigFatMermaid · 09/10/2018 22:18

Just read your failed NC post. Their basic needs are not being met, their mother is dying and they don't know where they will be after that. Boarding school is no answer!

SputnikBear · 09/10/2018 22:20

Another one saying you need to call SS so this family can get the support they need. The lady can’t look after her DC and the father isn’t stepping up. There appears to be no plan in place for where the kids will live when she dies, the only option seems to be a father who is apparently awful to them. Boarding school isn’t an acceptable solution - you can’t just put kids in boarding school with no parent and nowhere to go during the holidays.

Dontfollowme · 09/10/2018 22:22

I guess I feel like I am only a neighbour, not a life long friend and that I could have these difficult conversations with any of my close friends in this situation, but not a neighbour... if that makes sense. Perhaps I should contact her friends to do this? I just don’t know what to do for the best.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/10/2018 22:24

They need social care services to help, its not a punishment! And they could be signposted to charities or organisations who could help.

SecretNutellaFix · 09/10/2018 22:25

She needs to speak to social services- they can potentially get carers in for her and also make plans for the children when she does die, so that they know what will happen when she dies.
Even 3 decades ago, my family had a social worker because my father was terminally ill with cancer and we needed a hand.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/10/2018 22:25

Like outreach youth services, young carers or help around the home.

heligoland · 09/10/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/10/2018 22:31

It's an accident waiting to happen, and very neglectful

What exactly is it you expect a terminally single parent to do? Not be I’ll? Magic a nanny out of thin air?

annikin · 09/10/2018 22:31

I know people on here are saying ss would help. I wish I'd heard of more situations where that was the case. The ones I have heard of, the children were taken away and separated from each other as well as their parents. Maybe others know of happier stories than the ones I know of.

Dontfollowme · 09/10/2018 22:32

Thanks for your advice everyone. I’m off to bed and will delete this thread in the morning as I don’t want to be outed. I just wanted some honest advice and I thank you all for your thoughts.

Jent13c · 09/10/2018 22:36

Can she speak to a Macmillan nurse to see what support is available, or maybe speak to a school nurse? (Not sure if the role is different as I’m in Scotland but they are essentially a Health visitor for children of school age here so they would know what support is available).

It’s not a matter of grassing her up to social services, it’s getting her the support they all need. The situation is not sustainable as it’s incredibly exhausting to know who has your kids when if you have a few flexible childcare arrangements in place. She may need some support to take some of that burden from her.

It’s also not a case of SS taking kids off her, I recently told a family member to contact his HV when his wife was admitted to hospital for severe mental health issues. He was terrified in case SS became involved but actually the HV organised funding for an emergency nursery place. He was struggling to afford nursery and having to work extra hours and more time away from kids and then up seeing his wife every night to help her recover and he was drowning and the HV was such a great help to them.

willstarttomorrow · 09/10/2018 22:39

Totally agree with Blue Widow, as a parent of a child who lost her father and also as a social worker. I work in child protection but in the past worked with life-limiting illness, mainly oncology. I find it very odd that if the mum is as ill as you say no one working with her has ensured her children are okay, are offering support and made referrals as necessary. Her children (and mum) should be supported, not only in managing their mother's illness and future death, but also in knowing there are plans in place for the future. This should be happening now. The obvious conclusion would be dad steps up however from your post it sounds like someone should be having these conversations with him now. A referal to CSWS would kick this off and should support mum and children in the time they have left. There are plenty of options before from foster care (very unlikely unless there is something else going on). As a SW the first thing I would be looking into is getting the family to step up, maybe some respite/childcare and therapeutic work for the children. I would also link in with whoever is supporting their mum and ensure everything is being done to allow her to parent as well as she can in the time she has left as possible. Good luck.

giggly · 09/10/2018 22:41

I’m a bit confused as to why her GP has not referred to SW as they will be aware of the family situation. Again referral would have been made under child protection legislation which would enable home support to be put in place.
If she has an infection then surely there will be DN visiting (as she has mobility issues at present) or a return visit to GP. GP have a legal responsibility to follow child protection legislation.
I don’t know where you are op but in Scotland there is Maggie centres which provide amongst other things suppprt for children of terminally ill women.

SputnikBear · 09/10/2018 22:46

The ones I have heard of, the children were taken away and separated from each other as well as their parents.
Well if that’s what has to happen for their own safety then so be it. It’s simply not reasonable for the kids to be left with no functional parent and being foisted on kindly neighbours.

Pinkyblinder · 09/10/2018 22:46

OP has gone to bed and she says will delete thread in morning. But I find it difficult to believe that a neighbour of only six months has has brought her into this and that the OP feels guilty that she can't cope with it all.

Something does not feel right. Is the OP being hoodwinked?

I'm sorry if I appear rather cynical about it all.

Pythonesque · 09/10/2018 22:49

I agree that you aren't unreasonable - papering over the cracks by helping more than you can will only reduce the chances of necessary support getting put in place. I hope some of the suggestions above point you in the right direction to help her get help that is more viable and long-term.