AIBU - to limit childcare for my terminally ill neighbour?

[tortoisefairy]

My neighbour (of 6 months) has terminal cancer. She is very weak, due to side effects of failed chemo and other side affects. She is a single mum with 4 kids. Dad has kids every other weekend, but not too helpful generally. Kids have some special needs, and her 2nd nanny in as many months has just quit. I have 3 kids myself and also full time carer for MIL who has dementia as well as working part time. She has no family here, but a supportive group of friends. When she asks for childcare however, they are all limited by their own children’s needs and can not fulfil all the requests. I have helped out with quite a lot of childcare in between nanny’s but her kids are a handful, often quite destructive breaking toys etc, and don’t get on with my kids. I haven’t told her this as she has enough to deal with. She is bed ridden most of the time. Her life is extremely hard, my heart breaks for her. I have had to start telling her kids that they can’t come round here after school as I am on my own with my kids doing homework tea etc. But weekends are harder to say no to. AIBU to limit the time her kids spend at my house to 2 hours on a weekend? I can’t see what is reasonable anymore. The situation is just too sad, but feel I have to draw some boundaries. Please be gentle with me...I have found this hard to write.

Pinky, I am afraid that was my first thought. I maybe wrong and I felt cynical thinking it hence advice offered. However in these circumstances I cannot believe four children are flying under the radar. At the very least one would be of school age.

Have you got at Action for Children office near you? They maybe able to advise what help she could get or put you in touch with someone but in all honesty I think you need to call social services. This woman needs help as she is very ill no court would take someone’s child for that but they can put in support services and charities that can help her. She should be entitled to support staff for the kids and respite for her and the kids.

Do any of you saying ss will help have any direct experience of their involvement? I used to believe this too.

Going behind this lady's back isn't ok. She has so little control in this situation, it would be a devastating thing to do to take her decisions out of her hands. Difficult as it is, it's far more respectful and kind to have this conversation with her and look for solutions.

Totally agree with Shednik. Don’t take control away from her. She’s probably already worried sick

OP has concerns about the DCs’ welfare as their mother is physically unable to supervise them and their father (whom OP doesn’t know) isn’t around much.

IMO OP’s primary responsibility here is to the DC.

Health professionals involved in OP’s neighbour’s care, if aware of her health and home situation, should anyway have referred to social services - as part of good child safeguarding practice. But they may not be aware of her responsibilities or that she’s so unwell.

Yep shednik, I agree and think they have no experience of social services. It may be chaotic but kids that age can make their own meals and get washed, dressed etc so I'm sure they would rather be there in their own family unit than split up.

In a perfect world ss may help but it is too much down to individual sw's and some are plain unkind and crap at their jobs, making a bad situation worse.

If mum is there then kids should stay with her and she is probably doing a lot of directing from bed. This is the last few months with their mum, they should not be separated.

OP just offer whatever help you can and don't feel guilty as we all have our limits.