Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas AIBU thread

59 replies

BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 13:29

My SIL is in her late 40's, is single no DC and earns a very good salary. Every Christmas she expects an expensive present from us. She will say what she wants and expects us to get it for her. It is usually around £60, although before we had DC it was more than this. She buys my 2 DC presents and sometimes remembers their birthdays but she is by no means generous with them in any way.

Aside from parents, SIL is now the last adult we have to buy for. I do not buy any of the adults in my family (except parents) and I am getting sick of this. A couple of years back I just went ahead and bought her some consumables but she opened it and looked upset and annoyed and MIL said something really sarcastic about it.

I have cut back on Christmas quite a lot and made it more about tradition and good times. I've stopped sending cards and got the waste right down. It's not that I don't like her. Its just that we barely have a relationship with her so I don't see why I should have to buy her a present. Because she doesn't have a partner I feel that we are expected to spoil her when DH and I don't even buy each other presents. I totally begrudge the money I have to spend on her present. It seems like it is well I buy your DC so you owe me back. I would actually rather call it quits as in you don't buy my DC and we won't buy you but I don't think my MIL would like that.

Am I ever going to get out of this or am I stuck with buying for her into her 80's?

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 09/10/2018 13:36

Nah sod that. Send an email to the effect of 'now the children are getting older and more difficult to buy for we feel it simpler to stop buying family gifts altogether'

It's not about what MIL would like, it's about what suits your family.

KittyMcTitty · 09/10/2018 13:37

That is so rude - I don't like being asked to buy anything - some do but to demand is CF at its best!

If you resent it, it goes against Christmas anyway. Why don't you say, you are cutting back this year and only buying for parents and children and obviously don't expect her to buy for your children if she doesn't want to. How much does she spend on both your children? Why don't you just pick a £30 gift for each and ask her to buy that and then no one can get upset and you could be less annoyed?

Sounds a bit spoilt to me! Or just call it quits!!!

Hillarious · 09/10/2018 14:01

It if reciprocal for the presents she buys for your DC, why not let your DC choose a gift and be subject to your SIL's disappointment and your MIL's sarcasm? It will probably go straight over their heads.

Thatstheendofmytether · 09/10/2018 14:04

If she knows what she wants and she earns a good salary she can buy herself the expensive present. Screw that, no present for her this year!

insight483479 · 09/10/2018 14:04

Make this the year you stop it. You will end up resentful if you let her keep bullying you in this way and it IS bullying.

insight483479 · 09/10/2018 14:12

There's another Christmas thread about cutting back.

woolduvet · 09/10/2018 14:15

I do buy for adults without ch, who still buy for my children.
But I wouldn't be spending £60. Spend what makes you happy, but get your dh to choose it then it's not your responsibility.

Original poster
BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 14:19

Its not that I am tight. I am very happy to buy her a box of chocolates and a bottle of decent wine. I just don't want to enable her massive sense of entitlement which at nearly 50, is really childish.

OP posts:
PurpleOctober · 09/10/2018 14:20

What's it got to do with your MIL?

Say you're not buying presents this year for anyone outside DC and she doesn't need to buy for your family either.

insight483479 · 09/10/2018 14:20

You are quite right, OP. It's nothing to do with being tight. Christmas isn't about appeasing childish entitled people of any age. Don't give in this year! The first year will be the worst, then she'll get used to it. She won't have any choice.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2018 14:24

I'd be well happy with a box of chocs and a bottle of wine.

Just tell her you're not buying for any adults any more.And ask her not to buy you anything either.

We stopped a couple of years ago as we all have everything we 'need' and just felt like we were wasting money on crap that no-one actually wanted. (Still buy pressies for the kids, obv).

Piffle11 · 09/10/2018 14:25

This is why I put a stop to adult gift-giving years ago! My DM would always give me an 'idea' of what she wanted, eg a dressing gown, and I would get her something I thought she would like. One year she opened the gift and couldn't have looked more pissed off if she'd tried. I think she was hoping for a premium name, like Chanel (it was moisturiser), and it wasn't. She made a sarcastic remark to her friend who was staying for Christmas, and I was hurt and rather humiliated. In return, my DM is crap at gifts and expected me to tell her exactly what I wanted, and in fact, buy it and give it to her to wrap. DSis could be rather cutting if her gift didn't suit, too. I just said to all the adults: Look, we're not buying for any adults anymore. If you want to still buy for the DC, well, that would be kind but it's up to you. Everyone still bought for the DC, but even if SIL doesn't, who cares? My BIL hasn't bought my DC a gift for years. Don't let her dictate what you spend your money on. She's a classic CF!

HomeMadeMadness · 09/10/2018 14:28

Just be explicit. I would send an email along the lines of "We're trying to cut down on the expense side of Christmas this year and we're all just looking forward to spending time together with you all. For this reason we'll just be giving small, thoughtful gifts to our family members. You're more than welcome to forgo gift giving to us in return or just bring something small. Really looking forward to seeing you all! Lots of love XXX"

Laiste · 09/10/2018 14:31

SIL

I'm guessing your DHs sister? Or is it your brother's wife?

If it's your DHs sister tell your DH to quite cheerfully announce that apart from his parents he's not buying for adults any more at xmas. And that's that.

Not much anyone can do about it apart from pull a bit of a cat's bum face really ... and they can't keep that up for long Grin

LolaPickle · 09/10/2018 14:34

Hmm I don't know, this lady could be very lonely and this may be one of very few gifts she has

Id buy for her, but cut the cost down to about a quarter

NorthernRunner · 09/10/2018 14:38

Adults who are spoilt and greedy like this irritate the hell out of me.
Make a donation to a local charity in her name and give her a card.

thegoosegotfat · 09/10/2018 14:39

Adults who are spoilt and greedy like this irritate the hell out of me

Yeah, makes you want to do less for them, not more.

I would never presume to tell people what to spend their money on!

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:44

THERE'S A CHRISTMAS TOPIC

PLEASE USE IT.

YES I'M SHOUTING.

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 14:46

THERE'S A CHRISTMAS TOPIC

I suppose it's just the ordinary choc bar wrapped in holly-themed paper? Not falling for that again!

Laiste · 09/10/2018 14:47

Grin @ User5895750

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:47

User, thanks for making me lol

I didn't actually read the OP, but fucking hell, what's with all the Christmas shite littering the boards?

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 14:48

It's 11 weeks TODAY people Wink

BlackrockMum · 09/10/2018 14:49

do your IL's have many to buy for aside from your family and their DD, could you suggest ( get your DP to suggest?? )you get the 5 adults into a KK, so you no longer buy for SIL unless you pick her name, not at all certain if this is workable in your situation but maybe you could convince MIL on basis that you each buy one really nice thoughtful gift ( not necessarily expensive) for one person you can focus on, if MIL hasn't done shopping she might go for it?? just a thought..

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 14:51

I didn't actually read the OP, but fucking hell, what's with all the Christmas shite littering the boards?

I think for people who have stress-causing families, the dread of Christmas starts a long time before the event. Most of the super-early threads are full of angst, I have found.

Original poster
BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 14:52

Remember that quiz about what is your love language? I do think she would score very highly on her's being presents bought. Over the many years I have heard some bizarre comments about how much money she expects her boyfriends to spend on her and how disappointed she is with the presents she gets off them. She definitely equates how respected/ loved/ well thought of she is by how much you have spent. So, small present = you don't care about me. Again, nearly 50 Hmm

OP posts: