Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas AIBU thread

59 replies

BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 13:29

My SIL is in her late 40's, is single no DC and earns a very good salary. Every Christmas she expects an expensive present from us. She will say what she wants and expects us to get it for her. It is usually around £60, although before we had DC it was more than this. She buys my 2 DC presents and sometimes remembers their birthdays but she is by no means generous with them in any way.

Aside from parents, SIL is now the last adult we have to buy for. I do not buy any of the adults in my family (except parents) and I am getting sick of this. A couple of years back I just went ahead and bought her some consumables but she opened it and looked upset and annoyed and MIL said something really sarcastic about it.

I have cut back on Christmas quite a lot and made it more about tradition and good times. I've stopped sending cards and got the waste right down. It's not that I don't like her. Its just that we barely have a relationship with her so I don't see why I should have to buy her a present. Because she doesn't have a partner I feel that we are expected to spoil her when DH and I don't even buy each other presents. I totally begrudge the money I have to spend on her present. It seems like it is well I buy your DC so you owe me back. I would actually rather call it quits as in you don't buy my DC and we won't buy you but I don't think my MIL would like that.

Am I ever going to get out of this or am I stuck with buying for her into her 80's?

OP posts:
Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:52

yes, I dread Christmas too - that's why I want it all in a separate topic.

Nquartz · 09/10/2018 14:53

We stopped buying presents for adults years ago, MIL was horrified but I ignored it. It was a hassle & we were basically just passing £20 back & forth.

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 14:54

It was a hassle & we were basically just passing £20 back & forth

My DH and his brother do that with an iTunes voucher. Drives me nuts!

Original poster
BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 14:54

The Christmas forum is no place for angst. It is a happy place. That's why I chose AIBU.

OP posts:
ChelleDawg2020 · 09/10/2018 15:01

My first view was to just not buy her anything and deal with the fall-out.

But a more grown-up course of action would be to discuss with her plenty of time in advance (i.e., now) the reasons why you don't want to buy her an expensive gift. (Can't afford it, don't like waste, don't think she deserves one, whatever the real reasons are.) If you treat her respectfully and give good reasons, she is more likely to understand your point of view, and if she doesn't then at least you tried.

Personally I think that the fact "she earns a good salary" is irrelevant. If she doesn't have a partner or children, perhaps she just wants to feel that someone likes her, even if it is only for one day per year.

sockunicorn · 09/10/2018 15:01

how on earth does she word that request? i cannot imagine sending someone a message saying "this is what i want". I wait to be asked and even then i choose a £10 candle or give them a vague idea "wine/chocs/gin/candles/next vouchers if youre stuck".

Also how much does she spend on your DCs to warrant her £60?!

dreamingofsun · 09/10/2018 15:04

i love reading the christmas aibu threads. it makes me feel more normal and chilled

ohtheholidays · 09/10/2018 15:04

How much does she spend on your DC OP?

Could you afford(and not mind)spend the same amount on her?

That way if your SIl or MIL(not that it has fuck all to do with her)say anything you can tell them you've spent exactly on her what she has spent on your DC and that from now on you think it would be better if she treated herself with the money she would have spent on your DC and you'll treat your DC with the money you would have spent on her!

CombineBananaFister · 09/10/2018 15:08

Yanbu, I don't think xmas should just be about children but think she's being very cheeky and ungrateful. We will actually be sending out a similar email after Xmas to family members saying we are going to be stopping child gifts.
It's not because we're tight or don't care, it's just becoming really hard to buy anything any of them would enjoy or get the benefit from within our budget now they are older. Sad but true - it's all expensive labelled clothes or computer games at £40 plus. They get tonnes of stuff and are probably just embarassed about what we give them but are too polite to say. Going to give them all a selection box as a token gesture. Still going to buy for both sets of parents or they won't get much.
Feel really relieved and free having made the decision.

Butterflycookie · 09/10/2018 15:11

Do you give her birthday presents as well? You should definitely have a chat with her. It does seem strange that she tells you what to buy. But seeing as she has no one I kind of feel sad for her.

RangeRider · 09/10/2018 15:16

I have to admit that I'd be unimpressed with the old box of chocs & bottle of wine thing because I barely drink & don't really eat chocolates so I can see why she'd be specific about what she wants; if not then you're wasting money on something that won't even be appreciated. But if you're going to request (not demand) something specific then you either make it something cheap or give people a handful of ideas ranging in price.
Just tell her that Christmas has got too expensive and so from now on you're just buying parents & your kids, and so obviously you don't expect her to buy your kids anything either. And then stick to it. But do it now before she starts buying presents (and giving you specific details of what she wants!)

Andtheresaw · 09/10/2018 15:21

Your DH is her Brother. Her Christmases have always involved an exchange of gifts with him.
He needs to pick up the baton on this.

NameChanger365 · 09/10/2018 15:25

I'm another who feels sorry for her. Does she get many presents except the one from her brother? Perhaps she's lonely and just wants to receive one present every year that is something she actually likes rather than a generic gift which just makes it clear that even her own family don't really know her.

I can't imagine resenting buying my siblings a Christmas present every year if they received few other presents. And I'd get pretty annoyed with any partner of mine who did have a problem with it.

As other's have already asked - how much does she spend on your dc? Do you let her know what your dc would like to receive?

If you can't afford what she's asked for that's a different issue, can't you just tell her that you'd like to get her something that she'll enjoy, but what she's asked you for is out of your budget and ask her if there's something else she'd like that's a bit cheaper? Perhaps if she earns well she has a distorted idea of what's a reasonable amount to spend?

ThomasRichard · 09/10/2018 15:28

Going slightly against the grain here, as a single mum if I didn’t get a Christmas present from any of my family members then I wouldn’t get one at all. It’s a sad feeling being too grown-up for family presents when everyone else gets one from their DP. Not world-shattering, obviously, just a bit saddening that you run around all year and could do with some love at Christmas. She’s being a CF specifying the present though!

How about suggesting a family secret Santa this year? Everyone gives one present and receives one present, spending limit £20.

LizB62A · 09/10/2018 15:31

Suggest a Secret Santa this year - that's what we do and it's so much easier.
£15 limit and everyone gets a pressie (as otherwise I wouldn't get anything !)

user1467718508 · 09/10/2018 15:32

Off topic, but there's a Christmas forum?!

Does she give you/DP a gift, or just your DC?

Original poster
BakeItLikeBeckham · 09/10/2018 15:37

I can see why it looks like I am being mean. There is a back story. My DH hardly speaks to her because she has in the past massively stirred the pot with PIL and DH and I. She gets very upset if PIL spend any time with us and DGC and there is no way MIL is allowed to have any relationship with me. As a result, I don't have a lot of sympathy for her even though yes she is probably lonely. At Christmas though its all happy days!

OP posts:
ShizeItsWeegie · 09/10/2018 15:39

I can't get over the fact she tells you what she wants. I find this really rude. I know I will get a selection of beers from most of my family. Maximum £20 spent. I don't want more. That is what I spend on them or thereabouts. Anything else causes anxiety.
I rarely refer to people as sad but she just comes off as a bit sad. Relying on presents to feel important. Sad.

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 15:42

She sounds like a PITA. Whether she is or not, though, she does not have the right to dictate your expenditure at Christmas or any other time.

Eliza9917 · 09/10/2018 15:48

Is she your husbands sister?

Gemini69 · 09/10/2018 15:49

tell her to grow up.... and give her no more gifts Flowers

EK36 · 09/10/2018 15:56

Just tell her not to buy for the chidren as you're on a limited budget this Xmas. So you're only buying for the children in the family. That's what we do & nothing wrong with that.

morningconstitutional2017 · 09/10/2018 16:02

I'd communicate with her well in advance and tell her that you believe that it would be better for all concerned that you're only sending cards
from this year onwards and expect her to do the same. Make or accept no excuse or ifs or buts. Just repeat that you believe that it is better this way.

Sweetpea55 · 09/10/2018 16:07

Your MIL sounds as bad OP

girlywhirly · 09/10/2018 16:20

OP, I can see now why SIL is single, if she behaves like that. Related or not I don’t see why you should pander to her, especially as there is no relationship between you. It’s a shame that she hasn’t actually matured sufficiently to understand that generosity works as a two way thing.

Present a united front with DH and if she can’t deal with that, tough.

Swipe left for the next trending thread