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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad at the way DH treats me

74 replies

HeySweetieSweetie · 08/10/2018 11:58

DH and I have been together our whole adult lives. We have a lovely life with two school aged DC. Over the past six months, DH has shown resentment towards me and says in arguments that it is because he works and I don't work. He has started talking about 'his money' and makes snidey comments. He will also bring up in arguments that he is unhappy and not sure that he loves me. He sometimes says he is thinking about leaving, however I'm not sure if all this is because of the resentment.

I want to work, I really do, but I am having trouble seeing how it would work. We have three DC, one of whom has special needs and cannot be left in childcare. I really only have maybe four hours a day during school hours. I do 100% of the housework/admin/everything that needs doing. I also do 100% of the childcare, getting up at 6:30am, getting ready for school, homework, anything school related, after-school clubs, bedtime routine, etc, etc.

I have thought about starting my own small business so that i can work flexibly for those few hours from home, however i am worried about suggesting this to DH as he will not see it as a 'proper job'.

I feel so stuck and feel that DH hates me. I also don't know whether, even if i got a part time job, he would say that it still wasn't enough.... :(

OP posts:
WheelOfMisfortune · 08/10/2018 12:02

Ask your husband- in all sincerity- who he thinks will do the cleaning, childcare and house admin if you work?

I sometimes understand people who work being resentful if they are expected to chip in equally at home also, as I see this as an either/or situation, but if you are doing everything at home then I don’t understand how he actually thinks you will have time to work??

He needs to appreciate your contribution as being equal to his.

teaandtoast · 08/10/2018 12:02

Could you suggest that you both get part time jobs and that he has to do half the house stuff as well?

Original poster
HeySweetieSweetie · 08/10/2018 12:05

teaandtoast DH has a 'proper' job Hmm and part time hours aren't an option.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/10/2018 12:11

Please sit down with him with a list of everything that needs doing. Every single thing. And how long it takes. Ask him to work with you to decide how you're both going to split all this so that you could work. Where both parents work they usually split the pain in the ass stuff that impacts on work. Eg I work earlier than I used to and my husband works later so one can do nursery pick up and one drop off. Is he going to change his hours so he can do pick up or drop off? Is he going to ask to work from home one day so he can squeeze in some of the housework and do pick ups drop offs etc. Is he going to start taking it in turns to take holiday or unpaid leave when the kids are sick and need to be at home. Can he drop down his hours to care more for your child with special needs? If he is agreeing to all this then I think it would be best to try and find something and see if that improves things. Otherwise you will need to find something in evenings or weekends but that would give you no family time and he will have to step up on house stuff on his days off. If you have a business idea carry on researching and coming up with a plan to make it work. You can always do this anyway

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 12:12

You are missing the point, HeySweetie!

You have that conversation with your DH. There are all sorts of possible compromises you could both come up with, you both working part time is just one of them!

The point is that you feel scared to talk to your DH. It doesn't really matter if that is because of his actions or your own feelings, neither of you seem to be happy with things as they are!

In an otherwise healthy relationship you would just sit down and discuss/argue/ hammer it all out. Posters are suggesting that you do that and offering you some ideas for possible alternatives to how things currently are!

Knittedfairies · 08/10/2018 12:12

Does he have any idea how much childcare actually costs in your area? I realise you can’t use it, but costs for 3 children to enable you to work would probably be an eye-opener for him.

meanieleanie · 08/10/2018 12:13

Why the sudden change now, when you've been together so long? Is he in debt? Could there be an OW?

lola006 · 08/10/2018 12:13

You sound so sad and YANBU.

I also have 3 DC and am a SAHM. I work my butt off. My DH admittedly prefers not to cook or clean, and his hours wouldn’t work for club drop off/pick up so he appreciates what I do. Who does your DH think will do all the house things? Does he think you can make enough to cover childcare?

All that said, I’ve seen it on here before that the ‘resentment’ is a cover for falling out love and wanting to leave regardless. You go work part time, he might say it should be full time. You go full time and drop some housework, he might you aren’t a good wife/mum. You two may need to have a long, possibly very awkward and hard talk.

Clandestino · 08/10/2018 12:15

I am sorry, but look for the other woman.
And yeah, he's a moron.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 08/10/2018 12:16

Oh I would love there to be a way for you to swap lives for a month ! Then he would see how much you do. Children with special needs need so much extra, with appointments etc that childcare cannot usually fit around .

He needs a serious talking to and told that if you work full time he will have to adjust his hours to fit around childcare and a disabled child, so that you can share the load. Bet you he will back right off .

SadieAB9 · 08/10/2018 12:16

Your husband sounds very ignorant and cruel. How stupid can some people be? Suggest the two of you swap roles and see how he likes having to do everything you do every day... All while being belittled! Angry

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/10/2018 12:19

Yes... You need to have a sit down convo with him...

TELL him... Your absolute maximum free time is 20hours weekly... Unless you pay for after school child care (not poss from what you say...with your child with SN).

During these 20 houfs... List ll the things you won't be able to do... Plan and shop for food... Proper cleaning plus daily maintenance cleans, washing, airing and putting away of laundry... Plus all the life admin... School liaison, bills etc...

Write a long list... What is he prepared to take on?? Or what doesbt he mind letting slip....

ChodeofChodeHall · 08/10/2018 12:20

YANBU. He clearly has no respect for all the valuable unpaid work you are doing. Do you think you might be able to change his mind about this?

Lethaldrizzle · 08/10/2018 12:22

Send him an invoice for all the work you do and back date it

DarlingNikita · 08/10/2018 12:26

He's being at best thoughtless, at worst cruel.

I have to agree with pps, if this is all new and sudden then maybe he's got another woman and is disengaging. I really hope this isn't the case.

And also, have you asked him what his alternative plans are for the house admin and childcare?

Newbabies15 · 08/10/2018 12:28

You do everything other than work outside the home. He's taking you for granted. Tell him all that you've told us. And if he tells you to do one - tell him to do one too! It would be easy for you to find part time work and juggle housework. If you're not used to housework and childcare then it's very hard. Imo it's harder than going to work.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2018 12:30

I cant help feeling that you are being compared to someone else.... :(

twofingerstoEverything · 08/10/2018 12:34

OP, teaandtoast made a perfectly reasonable suggestion, so not sure why you gave them a Hmm. If he moans about working and treats you like you're not contributing, sharing work/childcare 50/50 is a logical and reasonable suggestion. It would also mean that you would be contributing to your own pension. When one person is in paid employment and the other is a SAHP, guess who comes out worse off in the long (and I mean LONG) term if things don't work out? Decisions you make now about not working might make sense now and in the immediate future, but you need to think of the impact that decisions made now can have on your old age. Your OH sounds like he needs to grow up.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/10/2018 12:34

I second your being compared, any sane human being would never utter such hurtful drivel

Ellisandra · 08/10/2018 12:38

This isn’t about you working out of the home or not. It’s been OK until 6 months ago, and he already knows that with a SEN child childcare isn’t an option.

Petty things like creating an invoice for cleaning just aren’t helpful.

I wouldn’t even start talking to him about how you can or can’t work. I’d go straight in with “you’re talking about leaving this marriage - we need counselling to understand if we can / want to stop that”.

The fundamental reason won’t be you not working. It could be work stress for him, it could (I’m sorry to say it) be an affair. But it’s really not as simple as him really not thinking you pull your weight. Could be he’s feeling angry that SEN has meant a life that he didn’t envisage - and he needs to find a way to come to terms with that without taking it out on you.

ThankyouLinus · 08/10/2018 12:39

Sounds like he is unhappy with his job and taking it out on you which is totally unfair. I think you need to have an honest conversation highlighting everything you do for the family, it seems like he is oblivious to it.

Branleuse · 08/10/2018 12:40

you have given up your career, your pension and your security so that he can advance his career and have a family and he gives you shit for it.
You do everything at home and have a kid with SEN.
He needs to wake the fuck up and if he wants you to work, then he needs to enable it by taking over childcare and housework and admin.

Heidimay · 08/10/2018 12:42

The way you have been spoken to sounds absolutely horrible. It makes me very angry when men who work think that because they have a SAHM partner, the money is theirs. If you were working you would have to find the money to pay for childcare which is very expensive. You might need to hire a cleaner or other household help depending on your circumstances. What he needs to understand is that along with the very valuable contribution you are making looking after the children (which you can't put a monetary value on), you're saving the childcare (and any other costs) so that's not really any different to if you were going to work to earn the money to pay for those things! If there is anything which you could do from home in terms of work, that might make you feel more independent and confident, but that decision should be based on what you want to do for your own reasons

Mitzimaybe · 08/10/2018 12:46

I love the swapping roles idea. Get him to take a week's annual leave and do EVERYTHING that you normally do, in that week. Meantime you spend your week (the hours that he is normally at work) preparing your CV, looking for jobs, applying for jobs etc. If you can do this out of the house (e.g. by booking a "return to work" course or something) so much the better. If you can't book a course then go to the library or even a cafe, so he can't ask your help every 5 minutes.

In the evenings you do whatever he normally does (probably relax / hobbies etc) and DO NOT help with the children (if he normally doesn't.) Make sure he does EVERYTHING - meal planning, shopping, change the bed linen, the things he isn't aware even need doing.

At the end of the week, see if his attitude has changed.

Crazybunnylady123 · 08/10/2018 12:46

I think you are doing more than your share to be honest.
I’m a sahm and my fiancé works full time and helps with our toddler and some housework. Sounds like he is making excuses for the other issues he has going on?