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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad at the way DH treats me

74 replies

HeySweetieSweetie · 08/10/2018 11:58

DH and I have been together our whole adult lives. We have a lovely life with two school aged DC. Over the past six months, DH has shown resentment towards me and says in arguments that it is because he works and I don't work. He has started talking about 'his money' and makes snidey comments. He will also bring up in arguments that he is unhappy and not sure that he loves me. He sometimes says he is thinking about leaving, however I'm not sure if all this is because of the resentment.

I want to work, I really do, but I am having trouble seeing how it would work. We have three DC, one of whom has special needs and cannot be left in childcare. I really only have maybe four hours a day during school hours. I do 100% of the housework/admin/everything that needs doing. I also do 100% of the childcare, getting up at 6:30am, getting ready for school, homework, anything school related, after-school clubs, bedtime routine, etc, etc.

I have thought about starting my own small business so that i can work flexibly for those few hours from home, however i am worried about suggesting this to DH as he will not see it as a 'proper job'.

I feel so stuck and feel that DH hates me. I also don't know whether, even if i got a part time job, he would say that it still wasn't enough.... :(

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/10/2018 13:52

Sounds like he is unhappy with his job and taking it out on you which is totally unfair.

^^ I think this is at the root of his resentment, he's stressed and unhappy, so he's taking it out on you.

As PPs have suggested, sit down with him and show some understanding - you don't want him to be unhappy, etc. - and then talk through the situation. Explain your schedule and ask him to help you come up with some ideas for paid work...he'll start to see the true situation and it'll show him jut how limited your work opportunities currently are!

I'm lucky as I've been able to find something part-time that fits with the family's schedule, but my two are older and no SEN, which makes a huge difference. I'd rather be full-time, but it would be SO hard at the moment and create additional stress for DH (who has a stressful job anyway). Sometimes you just have to wait a few years.

Good luck

jannier · 08/10/2018 13:52

Have you actually discussed why you cant work with a SEN child and are you in agreement that there is no care available? I am a SEN childminder so we are out there charging the same rates as for any other child.
Do you get respite care (ss often refer children to me for 9 hours a week to give parents a break) maybe you could use this to get time to be a couple or even rest, not knowing what the SEN is obviously makes a difference and some needs are just too hard to get care for but support groups may have rotas and details some specific SEN's.
It can be hard on all of you coming to terms with this have you both had any support?

heligoland · 08/10/2018 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlphaBravo · 08/10/2018 14:00

OP I agree, you need to look for the other woman here. He is picking fault to build his exit route.

AlphaBravo · 08/10/2018 14:01

Ask him outright "who is she?" mid argument and see if he flusters or falters.

ravenmum · 08/10/2018 14:08

What happened 6-12 months ago that has made him start acting differently?

LaurieMarlow · 08/10/2018 14:17

This is not about a job. It sounds like he's already over this marriage. There may be an OW, there may not. In a way it doesn't matter.

Get your financial ducks in a row and then call him on it. If he doesn't respect you/doesn't love you then time to leave.

recklessgran · 08/10/2018 14:19

Mmmm. Tell him you're going to get an evening job in a pub and he can take over the childcare and cooking when he gets in from work OP.
I think that should shut him up!

possumgoddess · 08/10/2018 14:31

Tea and Toast's suggestion of you both working part time hours is a good one, however have you thought about going back to work yourself and letting your DH be a SAHD for a while? I don't know if it would work for you as I won't know what your relative earning power is, and of course you would need to have 'the talk' about what the responsibilities of a SAHD would be. Even the best SAHD does sometimes need a little managing so you might have to set up reminders for things, but you could see if it would work for you, maybe just on a temporary basis for a while if he could get a sabbatical period/extended time off without pay, for a year perhaps?

FruitofAutumn · 08/10/2018 14:35

I think if your DC are in fulltime school he has a point. Presumably they start at 9 and finbish at 3 or later so I don't see why you only have 4 hours to work.If the school have an afterschool club, I don't think they would be allowed to refuse a child with additional needs out of hand.

Jux · 08/10/2018 14:41

He doesn't deserve you.

ShizeItsWeegie · 08/10/2018 14:50

A PP said that if he leaves he will have to fund two homes, child maintenance too as well as having to wash his own pants and socks. I can't see that suiting him either. He could have a wandering eye and be about to hop it. In which case he will swap one cushy set up for another but still be vastly out of pocket.
Posters are trying to get you to try and get him to see how unreasonable it is that you work but...it might be worth outsourcing the care etc and getting a job and being worse off for a while just to illustrate that actually the current situation is actually quite sweet for him.

Grobagsforever · 08/10/2018 15:38

He needs to find a way to enable you to work because you cannot remain financially dependent on this arse

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 08/10/2018 16:14

I think if your DC are in fulltime school he has a point. Presumably they start at 9 and finbish at 3 or later so I don't see why you only have 4 hours to work
Well she will have to consider the time to travel from the school to her work place so Not 6 hours available for work but at best 5.
You are also assuming that the before and after school club will be happy to look after the child with SN.
And that the cost of childcare before and after school PLUS ALL THE HOLIDAYS will be less than her working.
And of course there is the very small issue of him stepping up and actually do some work in the house, taking some time off the take the dc with SN to appointments etc....

I have a good friend of mine who has a child with SN needing 1-1 at school. The before and after school club was hard but manageable. There is no way that that child would have been able to also go to a CM or holiday club during the hols. Just as well that my friend is a teacher....
The other person I know with a child in the spectrum would NEVER have been able to leave her dc with a CM or the after school club. Different child, different needs even though they have the same diagnosis. But she has never been able to work because of that.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2018 19:37

I think if your DC are in fulltime school he has a point. Presumably they start at 9 and finbish at 3 or later so I don't see why you only have 4 hours to work.
Drop off at 9, get to place of work for 9.30 at best. Leave at 2.30. 5 hours so legally she needs at least 15 minutes break. So yes technically 4 hours 45 assuming a short commute and no traffic. Still not partic easy hours to do
If the school have an afterschool club, I don't think they would be allowed to refuse a child with additional needs out of hand. but that doesn't mean that it's suitable for the child. My child has a 121, funding wouldn't provide 121 to cover wrap around care. Some children with SEN can't manage the extra hours in wrap around. Op knows her child and doesn't feel it's appropriate.

And within those 4 hrs 45 minutes there's all the days lost for clinic appts, consultants, therapy sessions, school meetings etc.
It's great that as an SN parent you've managed to hold down a job and juggle all that Fruit but most of us simply can't. I'm assuming you're a SN parent as you're so convinced it's possible and surely wouldn't presume to know better than OP without your own experience to draw upon

ShizeItsWeegie · 09/10/2018 05:53

But then when does OP have any down time. Him with his 'proper job' probably has breaks throughout the day with nothing else to worry him but OP is essentially having more loaded onto her with a job as well.
OP if you worked full time and he packed up work, could you earn what he does? If so, suggest you swap. You might have a nicer life and he would get to see life at the sharp end.
Personally I would bin him off for being an ass. That's how I would get my nicer life.

jeanne16 · 09/10/2018 06:16

You may well find your DH is very stressed about his job. If he is feeling insecure about it, then the whole business of being the only bread winner can be very tough. Have you asked him what is happening at work? Lots of jobs are not that secure any more.

bastardkitty · 09/10/2018 06:26

The OW has a job and you are being compared unfavourably. Please don't let him do this to you. He has to make you bad enough for him to leave you and not feel like a cunt. It will only get worse. Tell him you know he's involved with someone else and you want him to leave.

ANNIEanoniMouse · 09/10/2018 06:51

I’m really sorry, but I also think there’s an OW.

Years ago I’d have done everything I could to ‘make him happy’ and turned myself inside out to ‘fix things’. I’ve wised up. Now I would just say ‘DH, I’ve been thinking. You’re clearly unhappy, you don’t think you love me anymore and you aren’t sure you want to be here. It’s making me unhappy too and so I have decided the best thing is for us to get a divorce and share care of the children 50/50. We need to look to see how we can both get homes with enough room for the children’

...and mean it.

They are HIS children too. It will become HIS problem too that childcare is spectacularly lacking for children with additional needs. He’ll need to figure out how to work, look after his own children and maintain a house. Steep fucking learning curve for the twat he’s become.

Don’t stay and become a downtrodden woman unable to get a job & a life while he swans about building his own separate life then walks away, just don’t.

Inforthelonghaul · 09/10/2018 07:27

My DH was a bit prone to this too. For many years spent a lot of time moaning about my lack of ambition and contribution to the money pot. So I got a job. Variable hours so I could do it when he was home to do childcare if DC not at school, minimum wage as I’d been unable to work for many years but all extra money as he’d always wanted. It took about a month before he realised that actually he didn’t want to spend his days off ferrying DC around, doing washing, school pickups, packed lunches and play dates or clean bathrooms etc instead of going to the gym etc. When he had a day off he wanted to do stuff as a family too and it pissed him off when I was working so was solely responsible and a bit bored. Oh and when DC ill, who should use a day’s holiday to look after them. Really my working was just very inconvenient to the family life he wanted because he never saw the daily grind.
Sadly for him I quite like my job and the fact that he now has a much better idea of the mental load to run a family home and it’s made him a little more appreciative of what I actually do when I’m not at work.

CaveDivingbelle · 09/10/2018 07:35

Sorry OP but this sounds like he has OW. He's finding all the reasons to justify emotionally checking out of your marriage. Start looking at your finances and what support networks you have.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2018 07:43

Your response to tea and toast speaks volumes about how much he has worn you down into believing his contribution is more important than yours and he has a proper job. But actually that is all he does

DelphiniumBlue · 09/10/2018 07:44

Start looking for a job. If DH is having second thoughts you need to put yourself in a position where you are more financially independent.
You can work school hours and still manage children/ house etc, your main issue is school holidays. Start looking into childcare arrangements, or work towards a qualification for work in schools/ fe.

Jux · 10/10/2018 21:18

Ah those wives, eh. What are they for?
Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Everything else.

Said a very unfunny, ignorant and stupid bloke dh knew once (and no longer does), and with whom OP's dh appears to agree.

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